death and depression

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Kellylynn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/25/2008 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I was never a super happy person - I kinda got used to being just ok, then this summer I watched my dad die of cancer - in 6 very short weeks. It was very shocking and I am trying to live with the regrets that I couldn't really talk to him before he died - he wasn't much of a talker either. Now, it has been 3 months and I know I am depressed - I can hardly drag myself out of the house, I work on autopilot and I cry at night when everyone else is in bed. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard and I am wondering how to get feeling better.

Advice anyone?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 11/25/2008 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi KellyLynn,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to the HealingWell depression forum. You have come to a good place where everybody is very kind and compassionate.

I think that you should talk to your doctor, get a physical and make sure that nothing else is going on. Then tell him about your feelings. You might need some antidepressants and counseling to help you through this difficult time. Remember, there is no time limit on grieving. No rules, no rights or wrongs. It does take time to get over such a sudden death. And being it was your father, it will probably be difficult. Cry all that you need. Get the feelings out. It is healthy.

We are here for you. We can help you through this grieving period. But I think you need the extra support through medication and/or counseling. It isn't easy. You are normal. This is a normal occurance. So don't rush the grieving process. Take all the time that you need. This is yours and you need to embrace it.

I hope that this helps in some small way. Keep posting, as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Kellylynn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/25/2008 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I am glad I found this forum. I am calling around my small city trying to find someone to talk to and all I am being told is that everyone is short staffed and there is no one to talk to for weeks...............

I want to just curl up in a ball and shut out the world but another part of me wants to shake myself and wake up and try to feel better (like I used to) but it doesn't seem that easy anymore.

What other resources can I access online or perhaps a good book - I love reading and I need to get a hold of something to try and heal.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 11/25/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
There are many good books that you can get Kelly. The best one that I know of is The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D.Burns. It is easy to find.

Also there is a free online service   http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome  

Give that a try.

I am so happy that you are happy with this site. There are many wonderful members here that can help you with their advice.

Best wishes, keep posting

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/25/2008 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Kellylynn

This is Kitt and welcome to HealingWell.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my Dad to cancer and it was only 3 weeks from the time he was dx. I was his only child. I do know how you feel.  He was my best friend and I knew he loved me more then life.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression .
When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty.

I would like to encourage you to consider counseling to help you through this painful time. One on one counseling can help you understand your feelings as well as teach you skills to cope with your pain.

Karen post the web link for CBT.  The site is free and you may learn a lot about yourself.  You can work on your computer right from home and go at your own pace.
 
Again I am so very sorry.
 
Gentle hugs and prayers
 
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/26/2008 2:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi KellyLynn,

I know how you must be feeling as I also lost my Dad this summer - 5 months ago, it was a massive shock & I feel like I've felt a rollercoaster of emotions since then. Before I lost my Dad I'd been feeling depressed for a long time & it acted as a bit of a wake up call for me, to appreciate my life, because you don't know what is round the corner. I really feel that my outlook has become more positive, although I do miss my Dad like crazy.

Have you tried any counselling? It could be good to talk to someone out side of you family & friends about how you are feeling. You could also try journalling some of your thoughts and feelings, i think this can be helpful.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


Kellylynn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/26/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I have tried to find someone to talk to and all I am being told is that the agencies are short staffed and they aren't taking new patients. That is why I have come on the forums to try and gain some perspective.

I am very surprised how my dad's death has hit me and I am even more surprised how I am feeling physically. That is what scares me. I feel like I am shutting down and everything is an effort.

I have ordered some books from the library about depression. I sure don't want to go on pills to feel better.

I am reaching out to find a friend or two.

Kelly

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 11/26/2008 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kelly,

I am so glad that you picked HealingWell as a place to come for communication. Right now it is kind of slow with everybody heading for their Thanksgiving destinations, but, I am sure that you will eventually see how kind and compassionate everybody on the forum is. So be patient with us until the holiday is over. I am sure there will be a lot more posts on this thread.

I understand how difficult it is to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Somebody that is so dear to you. I lost my nephew to suicide this past December and I still haven't recovered from it. It was such a sudden death, I don't know if it has even really sunk in yet. I know that things are becomming more difficult for me as of late. But I wonder if it is also the holidays that is setting me off. I am not super depressed, but just not right. A little more on edge and kind of off kilter. It is hard to explain. I just wish that I could turn back time and change everything, but I can't.

I also can understand how hard it is to get into counseling. I wish it wasn't that way. But make an appointment anyway if they will let you, even if it is some time off to when you can see somebody. In the meantime, keep posting here. We are all here for you.

I know that sometimes depression can cause physical ailments. But I have fibromyalgia and I have a lot of pain and fatigue. That is something that you might want to talk to your doctor about. It is long and grueling trying to get a diagnosis, because they have to rule everything out before they can say it is fibro. There are no tests to determine fibromyalgia other than a tenderpoint check and ruling everything else out. So you might want to check into that.

I can understand that you don't want to go on medication, but if your depression is a chemical imbalance, you might need to. But it could very well be situational with losing your father and all. It is still hard to deal with it without some type of assistance. So don't rule that out, you might find that it helps you.

You are so welcome to continue posting here. We will be here for you. We can all use a friend during these difficult times. And here is a good place to find one. I have made some pretty good friends here and I will never forget them.

I hope that you have a lovely day. And if I don't hear from you before, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/26/2008 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kelly,

I am really sorry that you are depressed.

You obviously believe that this depression stems from the death of your father so I feel your first move should be to get help from Grief counseling which is an organization for bereaved people. They have local support groups which you can usually get information about from any of the local churches as well as from most of the funeral homes in your area. .

If you have never really accepted/got over the death of your dad, it will help you greatly to talk about this.

You may feel you have talked to to friends, but of course there is always a kind of cut-off time when you feel that people are bored with the subject, or you think that they believe you should now have got over it.

Talking to a counselor is different because they know that grief is a personal thing and that it takes as long as it takes to get over it.

I'd also like to suggest a couple of books to you that I'm sure you'd benefit from reading:

'You'll Get Over It' by Virginia Ironside, published by Penguin.

'Living With Grief' by Tony Lake, published by Sheldon.

I hope this advice will help. But if after reading these books and getting help with Grief counseling support groups you find that your mood is not sufficiently improved, then I think you should see your own Doctor about more general help for depression. I know you have a Pdoc appointment but a Physician can check you out to make sure nothing else is going on with you.

There is the free, online site for CBT therapy that was mentioned before.   Many of the members have used it.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations.

Here is the link for the free site:

The MoodGym Training Program

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/

Keep posting to us and know we do understand your pain. Hugs, Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 11/26/2008 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kelly,  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad.  It is very hard to lose such a close family member.  Do you live with your Mother or any siblngs?  Are you working or are you in school?  The reason I ask is that if you are in school they may have couselors that can help you.  I think it would be a good idea to get a complete physical check up with your dr. to make sure you are healthy.  Also, your dr. may know of some way for you to get counseling.  I know you said you live in a small town.  Is there a hospice located anywhere near you?  Most hospices have grief support groups and they are amazing and kind.  And if you are a young person they may have a group just for people like you.  I am only mentioning this because when my Mom died she had been in hospice care and they had counselors and grief support groups and the support was wonderful.  You don't have to have a family member in hospice to join their grief support groups. There is no time limit on grieving.  Allow yourself as much time as you need and don't be afraid to cry.  Lettiing out your emotions can help you to feel better.  I will keep you in my prayers and do post here any time if you need support. There is always someone who will respond.  Take good care of yourself.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/26/2008 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Kelly
I can feel your pain as well
I lost my Dad ..My Hero just this summer as well

I am not doing so well with him gone and
I was in that big dark hole for a long long time
I was supported and basically carried up
I have called to join a Bereavement Group

I have got to get to the place I feel I will be okay
without Dad here
I NEVER want to be in that hole again

Somedays are better than others but I still know for ME
I need grief Couselling

Sorry for your loss

LYN
 DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD

Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                               Moderator@Alzheimer's..
    CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator   @ Crohns                    
                            ~ FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE ~
               Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
  We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us         
   
..........LYN


ryn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/30/2008 11:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kellylyn,
That is such a pretty name. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was just a little one, three years old. I don't remember him but his absence was a large factor in how my life turned out. I have been affected by depression most of my life and for a long time felt like I would die at the same age he did which was 21. I have beat that age twice over, lol. At 21 I had to face my fear of death and my depression over his leaving by having a 'talk' with him. They are never really gone so long as there is a connection there, however slight. A memory, a picture, others memories and stories about them. And we are assured by the word of God that there is a life beyond this one. I had to face my feelings and deal with them, it can be in a letter to your dad, or just a talk out loud to him. It gets your feelings out there, takes care of the unfinished business that you were not able to take care of before his passing. There will be tears, but there is a release afterwards. Also a good grief support group is a good idea, there you will find others who have felt like you do and you will realize you are not alone. If you cannot find a grief support group you might seek out a minister or pastor who you can share your feelings with. Dealing with grief is a process and it will take time, it does get better. Doesn't go away completely, because there will always be that empty spot in your heart, but the pain will not always be so intense.
Huggs to you Kellylyn. That name makes me think of bright warm sunshine, and I believe you will be there again, out of the shadows and into the sunshine. God Bless you! ..........Ryn


DX: Fibro, Diabetes, CF, Clinical Depression, Seizure disorder, Arthritis.......and all the fixin's, lol
Ryn


Kellylynn
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/1/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Ryn

That is a nice name as well. Thanks for your post. I will say I am surprised at how the grief is affecting me. I am 40 years old and thought I wouldn't feel the grief like I do. It is crushing at times. The only person I talk to about it is my brother. I don't belong to a church and there are no counselling options in my small town that I have found so far which is a bit upsetting.

My dad knew he was dying but he didn't want to talk about it and we were never really talkers him and I so it made it hard to say much when he was dying. I just froze and couldn't say much except that I loved him and I wish he could've said a lot more to me but he didn't and then he couldn't and I think that is the hardest thing to deal with.

My dad was never sick. Then 2 1/2 years ago in a routine blood test they found Leukemia. He still wasn't feeling sick so he didn't change his life, except to retire from working. When he finally had some Chemo for the Leukemia they found he was full of cancer (this time Lung cancer) and once we had that information he was only with us for 6 weeks. It was a horrible summer and I am having trouble finding any joy in my life.

I hope to hear from you again.

Kellylynn

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 12/1/2008 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi KellyLynn,
 
When my Dad died I felt the same in a way, I had never once in my life told him that I loved him, we never really talked much, and I guess there is a lot I will never know about him - but when I look back on it, I realise that the things were left unsaid didn't need saying, I never told my Dad I loved him & he never told me, yet we both knew that we did.  Actions speak louder than words.  Maybe you could look for joy in memories, try & cherish the happy times that you had.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 12/1/2008 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Kellylynn First let me say how sad I am for your loss.I still have my dad but I lost my best freind,other half of my self, My twin sister suddenly almost 7 years ago.I did not know how to even begin to deal with my pain and depression so I tryed telling myself that I was O.K. but I was not.I went into a deep self-destructive state that ended in me almost destroying myself.Now that I look back and think that if I had got some help with counselling and anti-depression meds. How much pain I could have evoided causing my family and myself I wish I could go back in time and then I would have got help then.So what I want to say to you is Try your best to get some counselling and please talk to your DR. about trying some anti-depression medication.Remember that not everyone needs to take them for the rest of there lives.Alot of people only take them for a short period of time.Just long enuff to help them deal with something like this.I will pray for you and I hope that I have been able to help you even if it is only alittle bit. Debbie.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

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