Is this depression? Or just being a teenager?

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Kussax
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/2/2008 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay, so here's the background story.

I've been dating my boyfriend for the last four years. We started when i was 15, and I am 19 now. We used to be happy and had tons in common and we were loving life. Everything was fine with the first two years of our relationship.

When I was 17 and just about to start my senior year of high school, my parents, who had been married for 25 years, divorced. My mother was cheating on my father with the neighbor down the street and my father was shattered by it. I have two siblings, one is 24 (22 at the time of the seperation) and the other is 12 (10 during the separation). My older sibling had just moved to a different state and had gotten married and was busy with her life. My younger sibling was too young to really have any say in what was happening. Right after the separation my father tried to commit suicide, and then I felt like I was the only one who could be there for my father and take care of him.

So for the next year, and a half I chose to live with my dad. I hardly spoke to my mother for a year. She had gotten together with the nieghbor and they were starting their own relationship. Because I was consumed with graduating high school, maintaining a job, and taking care of my father I didn't swell on the divorce much.

During all this, my boyfriend kind of got back burner-ed. He was there, but i didn't talk to him or share my feelings, because i didn't want to even thing about the situation. I just wanted to keep busy. I pushed him away, even though he was still physically there.

Things pretty much stayed the same for the year and half i took care of my dad. I took the first semester off of college and worked full time. Then when the spring semester started I went to school.

Then I started "acting out" i guess. I became very flirtatious with people who weren't my boyfriend. I had sex with two of his best friends, I constantly talked to other boys (and girls) about the sexual things I wanted to do with them, and i even had some exchanges of promiscuous pictures and videos with people over the internet. Meanwhile, my sex drive with my boyfriend dwindled.

When he found out about all these things, he didn't get mad at me. He was dissapointed in me and was determined to try harder to make me interested in him only. But the thing is, my attraction towards him had dissapeared. During this past summer I thought about breaking up with him several times, but then we would hang out and have a good time and i would change my mind. But I couldn't deny that my attraction to him was still missing and my feelings towards him were lessening too.

I was kind of forced to take this past semester off of school, but unlike the last time I took off a semester, I don't have a full time job. So for the past 3 months I've had tons of free time for the first time since my parent's divorce. Before i had kept busy with school and work and i had pushed all thoughts of my parent's separation and my relationship with my boyfriend away. But with all the free time i've had and nothing better to do, all those thoughts came crashing back at the same time.

I worried a lot about how my mom got bored with my father after 25 years. They got married really young, when my mom was 18. My boyfriend is the only boyfriend I've ever had. He's a great person, but i worry about not getting the freedom and curiosity in me out there now before i ruin a 25 year marriage of my own. Also I thought a lot about how I had cheated on my boyfriend before and I regret doing those things, but I feel like i did them because I wanted to escape from my long relationship with my boyfriend and I needed self esteme boosts. I also feel that maybe i did those things so he would catch me and get mad at me and then break up with me, so i wouldn't have to do the heart breaking.

Then I cheated on my boyfriend with one of my close guy friends and i didn't feel any guilt whatsoever. So i took that as a sign to break up with him. I thought that if i could cheat and feel no remorse then I really don't love him.

So i broke up with him and I had never broken up with anyone before. It made my situation comepletly worse. Now not only did i not have a job, and not have school, but i felt 100 times more lonely not having a boyfriend. I would go out with friends and have fun, but sitting at home all day when i wasn't out with friends was miserable.
So that's what happened and here is what is happening now, and why i'm not sure if i'm depressed or just having normal out of school, not sure what to do with my life, problems.

So after three weeks, I agreed to go back out with him. We've been back together for two weeks now. The first couple of days I was really happy, but then everything just stopped. I stopped feeling all emotion towards everything. I would look at my boyfriend and to me he just seemed like any other friend of mine. Nothing special. I stopped feeling happy, but i didn't feel sad either. I just became very numb. I would spend my days alone, while all my friends were in school sitting on my bed leaning against the wall wishing to melt into the wall. I felt no love at all towards my boyfriend, nor anyone else.

When I told him this he got really mad at me and told me to get out of his house and never speak to him again. I my brain I could hear a voice telling me "this is your chance to be free. Just walk out that door and be free." But I had lost all control of my body and it refused to move. I didn't understand why my body would not move. I stood in his house practically speachless, my body not moving, and him glaring at me for about 10 minutes straight. Finally he and i sat down and talked about it. When i explained to him that I've been feeling void of all emotions and not just the ones towards him, he told me that I might be depressed. I left his house that day still as his girlfriend but while I was driving home i kept asking myself "why didn't I just leave and be done with this."

Now it's a week later. My boyfriend has done lots of research and is convinced I am depressed. He even convinced me that i'm depressed. His mother and sister is a nurse and his brother-in-law, whom i respect very very much, has had to deal with depression himself. They all agree that I am depressed. I have an appointment to talk to a therapist and I've been taking vitamin B and talking to a lot of people about it. And a lot of people have told me "it's natural to feel like you don't love your boyfriend when you're depressed like this. The worst thing you can do is to leave him because then you'll be depressed and lonely and you won't have someone supporting you so strongly" 

But then I got really confused. I was talking to one friend and he said "i don't think you're depressed at all. I think you're just losing yourself because you're in a relationship you don't want to be in. But you've given up trying to do your own thing. You went back to your boyfriend after breaking up with him because you were lonely and you hated seeing him miserable without you (which is true). Now you're just shutting down your personality and desires to try and make him and yourself happy again. And now you've become a zombie with no emotions at all. I just think you need to be free again and not give into him this time."

I'm so confused and it's hard to think straight because my brain doesn't want to work it seems. Every time I try to focus on a problem, my thoughts switch to something else. And i'm usually very good at focusing on things.

So I don't know what to do. And I guess the questions I need advice solving is: Am I depressed due to lack of work and school and post trama from my parents divorce and am just numb from having nothing but free time to think about all these thoughts? Or Am I just having relationship troubles because I keep giving in to what my boyfriend wants me to do instead of doing my own thing? Am I using the excuse "i'm depressed" as a reason to stay with him but not feel guilty for not loving him? Would I be running away from depression and the people who can help if I leave him?

(sorry that was kind of long, but i wanted to get the full story out so anyone reading could understand me better)

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 12/2/2008 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kussax,
in answer to your questions -

I think you probably are a bit depressed due to lack of work and school & your parents divorce, you have had a lot going on and no time to digest it, I also tend to feel a bit down when I have a lot of time on my hands, can you not go back to school or try & get some sort of job? or even do some volunteering or spend time on your hobbies?

But I also think that this relationship isn't for you. I don't think you love this guy. Sometimes it is hard to end a relationship & sometimes being alone is even harder, but being in a relationship that isn't right for you is harder then either of those things. You need to leave this guy imho, and you need to be strong about it & not go back - because that will just lead him on & hurt him more.

I don't think you'd be running away from anything because only you can help yourself. Maybe see a counsellor or your doctor, but you can do all of these things without your boyfriend? Have you maybe tried speaking with your Father or sister about how your feeling?
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/2/2008 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, you have defn. had alot going on. I can sympathize some as I am only 17 myself. I can tell you that dealing with depression isnt an easy thing. But, I understand what you are saying about not feeling emotion. I am convinced that you are depressed, to what level, I am not sure. Maybe just a little or maybe not. But, nevertheless, its good that you are going to talk to someone. Its better not to wait, trust me. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for over a year and a half. I am just now feeling better because I just recently talked to my doctor about it and started taking medication. But, it took me a VERY long time to have the courage to speak up... So, its important that you talk about it now.

I understant trying to juggle work, school, and everything else in your life. Its not easy. But, you will make it. When you dont feel any emotion its hard to really process thoughts because you dont understand how you are feelings towards things. I remember feeling numb. I would sit out on the porch and just stare at the world. And the world stared back! I remember feeling so lonely. I was single at the time and going through some really hard things just with that. You said you flirted with both guys and girls, so maybe you could understand, I dont know because I dont know that much about you. But, 11 months ago I came out to my friends. It was such a hard thing, and still is. But, I remember feeling so alone because I didnt have anyone there for me. And I couldnt talk to people about my feelings. I was too stubborn, but more than anything I wanted help.

For me, I got WAY worse. I didnt start messing around sexually like in your case, but I started the whole self-harm type thing. Trust me, thats not the way to go! So, I can understand how you had no feelings.

I suggest you go talk to that person. They will be able to help you more than we can. We will help you as much as possible and be your support system! Most of here can understand one way or another what you are going through. Im not sure about the boyfriend. It sounds like he really cares for you.

My suggestion on that part would be to wait for a while. First of all, he will help you through. Its sounds like he's an okay guy. But, right now if you are numb to your feelings, you cant distinguish how you feel from how you dont. Maybe the divorse and everything stressed you out and you have alot of feelings that are there and causing this. Im not sure. Maybe you dont really like your boyfriend.

You also cant compare what happened to your parents to yourself. Things happen to people, but its unpredictable. You have to be trusting. You cant assume everything bad will also happen to you. You cant think that because of what happen to your parents its better not to get involved, that way you wont have to go through that... you just cant think that.

So, like I said before, go talk to someone. Get everything out, and get some help. Hopefully you will start to feel better soon. Then, maybe you can think clearer and know how you truly feel about things! I dont know if this helps you or not, I can only hope it helps some! lol But, if you ever need to talk, Im here. My email and everything is on my page, just click on my name. I wish you the best of luck! Take Care! =]
Lyrica and Paxil (both working quite well might I add!)
   "Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
    "Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Kussax
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/2/2008 7:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I am planning to go back to school in the spring semester. The job I currently have is only on weekends, but they mentioned giving me more week day hours during the holiday season which i hope they follow through with. I've just started volunteering at my local theater company but their in between shows and there's not much to do right now. Other than that I lose all motivation to try other things. I've tried to spend my free time teaching myself to play the piano or cooking new foods. I went through a phase where i made puzzles everyday. But lately I've wanted to so nothing but sit and stare.

My friends invite me out and i go and i enjoy myself, but afterwards I just go back to having no feelings and emotions.

As for talking to someone, I have a thereapist appointment upcoming in a week, but other than that I have a couple of close friends. The only problem with that is they're all pretty busy with finals and such for the end of the semester. I live with my dad still, but we hardly say more than a few words to each other all day. I would talk to my mom, because I started talking to her again about 6 months ago, but she's going through another divorce now (yeah with the same neighbor as before) so she has her own problems. And my older sister works like 18 hour days. It makes me feel even more alone with everyone so busy and preoccupied. I feel like my boyfriend is the only person willing to help, and though i appreciate it, i feel like i'm just going to hurt him when this depression is past and i still might not love him.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/2/2008 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Going back to school is a good thing. I will be starting next fall and I have already been, I enjoyed it because it kept me going with things to do and I met alot of interesting people. I think working some more would help, not enough to stress you out, but enough to keep your mind going. Volunteering is nice, I volunteer at our local hospital. I love it! Theatre sounds like it would be fun!

Let us know how it goes with the therapist. I think your friends or someone would have time to talk to you. My friends would make time if I needed them, and I do the same for them. Your friends care about you and are there for you. Maybe you should focus some on school. It will be starting soon. That gives you something to look forward to. Make plans to do things. Have things to look forward too. You are NOT alone and that is a good thing. You have friends and you have us on here. So, dont be a stranger! Im about to go to my next class so, Take Care! =]
Lyrica and Paxil (both working quite well might I add!)
   "Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
    "Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 12/2/2008 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kussax,

I think that you have gotten some very good advice. I think once you start seeing your counselor that you will feel better. Remember that you are not your parents, so don't anticipate acting like your mom. Look where it got her. You are you and you sound like a very good person.

I think once you sort things out, you will know how you feel about your boyfriend. I can understand how you are confused about your feelings though. He does sound like a nice guy and wants to help you. But only you can help yourself and get better. Who knows, you may love him after all, but don't let the guilt of not loving him control you.

Let us know how you are doing, stay with us, we are here for you. I hope that your counseling goes well. It can only help.

Keep us posted,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/2/2008 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Kussax

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum. I understand exactly what you are saying as your story is similar in the way I behaved at your age.  I had a boyfriend at age 15 who I litterally grew out of when I was 17 but he would not leave.  He just would not go and he would cry so I stuck with it as everyone thought he was really nice.  I guess really nice was not what I was looking for but I let everyone push me into marrying him.  Well I acted out alright, I regret now my behavior.  I should have been strong enough to find someone to talk it out with but I always did what others thought I should and it ended very sadly for both of us after 7 years.

Right now you need professional help and don't hold back with your therapist.

As for the boyfriend,  you are not ready to make a commitment, you just feel insecure and unsure. Leave him out of the picture for now and perhaps in the future you will get back together but you both need to work out your own problems.

Bless you and know we care.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 12/5/2008 12:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel like you really need some counseling.You need to deal with your problums you cant keep sweeping them under the rug.Sooner or later it will come back on you.I think that is why you feel like you do right now.Trying to ignore what was going on around you,you have lost yourself.Its time to put your boyfreind and anyone else that you need to aside and work on finding yourself once more.I wish you the all the best on your search for you.let us all know how the counseling go`s.GOOD LUCK
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

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