New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 12/4/2008 5:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm just so tired of feeling the way I do. I feel like I'm such a different person when my boyfriend is around still depressed but able to relax and not think. He was on vacation for 9 days and went back on monday. This whole week has been crap. I feel like a zombie, I'm here with my son and I don't even feel like I'm here. I spend way too much time on the computer because it's almost like a way out. I just can't stand being the person I am. I feel like I can't focus on the day, I do whatever I can to escape it. Why can't I just get up take a shower get ready and be who I want and need to be for the day. Sometimes I think it's my own darn fault. I know that getting help is right around the corner for me but I can't help but feel like such a zombie lately. I just can't wait until my son is in daycare for 2 days a week. I almost feel like a part of me will be relieved because I can't be who he needs me to be. He will benefit greatly being in a more stimulated environment. And I'm hoping that I can connect with the right place and people this time when I get help.....I seriously want to get into counseling. Maybe I'm just anxious for all of this to happen and another part of me knows that it's going to take a lot of time.......Thanks for listening everybody.......

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 12/4/2008 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I know exactly how you feel. You get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You need that break from everything. Some time to yourself for yourself. Use that time wisely. Do nice things for yourself. Maybe take a leisurely bath, light some candles, play some music that you like. When we get depressed the first thing we do is stop doing things for ourselves.

This is also a difficult time of the year. The days have gotten shorter, it is cold. The holidays are rushing up upon us and the stress starts to kick in. So we all need to stick together and cheer eachother up. At least just be there so that none of us feel alone. That is what is so marvelous about this forum. We all understand eachother.

I hope that you feel better soon. Try some meditation for yourseslf to relax and feel less anxious. We can beat this, we just have to keep trying.

Best wishes to you and have a wonderful night.

TAke care,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/4/2008 11:15 PM (GMT -7)   

HOpe,

I hope you do get into counseling as I have a feeling that is what will help you the most right now.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it through this rough time.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 12/5/2008 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you both for giving me support.......I'm actually having a rough moment this morning......Something upset me so I've been crying, cancelled a interview for a daycare provider but made it later because of this......Didn't get my son out of bed right away which made me feel guilty.......It's just kind of a long story......So this may get long. A year before I met my current boyfriend I used to work at a hospital, was a clerk in the x-ray dept. After some time working there I began having feelings for a ER Dr....They were very strong....He made me feel something I've never felt before......Not even with current boyfriend that's kinda why I have problems in this relationship.....Anyway he finally asked me out after some time.....We hit it off......I always felt so connected to him and wanted more in the relationship then he could give me......He just wasn't at a time in his life where he could give me that....He's 15yrs older then me by the way too......So after a few months it ended.....I wasn't very happy about it but tried to get on with my life......But the thing is after it was over, of course there was a lot of time that went by that we didn't talk but he contacted me after some time......By then I had moved to a big city and was in my own place.....I thought that maybe it could change because I had my own place.....And he did not, I know it sounds crazy that he didn't have a place of his own......it's complicated.......I ended up getting hurt again.....But we have always stayed in touch.....Not alot though, there could be a year or months that have gone by without us talking because obviously we were both trying to live our lives......Well when I had problems with current boyfriend last year we were in contact at that time.....All my feelings came back......He was telling me everything that I needed to hear from him after so much time went by.....I felt stuck at that moment in time because I knew that I had made a life with someone and here I am feeling this connection with this other person....plus he was telling me everything I wanted to hear....Like buying a house and that he wanted to make me his family.....I just hate the fact that I still feel deeply connected with him even though I've made a life for myself......I ended up getting mad at him at that point because he kept expressing how he felt for me even though he knew I had a family and I get mad at myself because I feel things for him.......So I stopped talking to him.....A few months go by and he sends a message wishing me a good holiday......Being the nice person that I am I write him back tell him whats going on in my life....Tell him that it seems no matter what happens we will always be in touch.....Supporting him because I know he's in Iraq at this time (he's also affiliated with the army) blah blah blah......The last couple of nights I've had dreams about him and they are always the same....I hug him or kiss him and feel this deep sigh of relief because I feel complete with him.....He writes me back not even a sentence just telling me we are very very good friends and that he's glad that I'm seeking help for my depression....

What upsets me is.....I have been this sweet, caring, compassionate and supportive person to him all of this time over the course of almost 5yrs when he never deserved it in the first place and all he writes me is that.......I get so tired of being there for him and not getting much back......I know that he doesn't mean to come across that way.....but darn it, it hurts......I feel so stupid that I can still get hurt and upset over this person......I wish he was never a part of my life.......I know that he cares about me more then I'll ever know but it's little things like that, that can upset me......I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's kinda hard to explain the whole story......He has told me in the past that he messed up with me.......That he regrets letting me go.....that he cares about me deeply....I just don't understand why I always let him get to me.....When I know that he doesn't have his life together at 42 and still after all this time......His mind has changed because he used to be a man of few words but when I talked with him when me and current boyfriend were having our problems 6mo ago and he became this person that had everything to say.....Almost like everything that I wanted to hear.....And now after a few months of not talking he writes back almost nothing......It hurts that I still think and feel like I have this connection with him when all I've done is try and make a life for myself......I get mad at myself because I don't even know why I bother.......And it's crazy that I can still feel disappointed and hurt after all this time....I know he didn't mean to come across so abrupt but I just don't think he realizes that something like that can really bother me! So here I go again with not talking to him....


Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 12/5/2008 10:39:27 AM (GMT-7)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/5/2008 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hope,

I am sorry but your problem is written right here.  You want someone else so the man your with is not getting the whole picture.  IMHO, you owe it to your b/f to tell him the truth that you are not in love with him..........you care for him but to keep him dangling is not fair.

As for your ER Doctor, you need to let go............he is not the one for you.  You two are playing games back and forth, when he is in the mood your ok to talk to but when he is not you're history until the next time.

As long as you keep sitting there crying over why he won't commit to you , your just hurting yourself.

You would do well starting fresh and going to counseling to work through your problems.  They won't go away as they stand now.

I have been in your shoes..........I know where your coming from but one day I just got mad and decided to go find my own life.

I have found it and you will find yours too.  But you have to get up and move, go hug your little one and remember your baby is the most important thing in your world.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 12/5/2008 2:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I know, I can sit here and read that whole post and I can see everything in between the lines. That's why a big part of me feels so stupid about it. I do have plans to go into counseling with my current boyfriend......He knows how I feel....That I've really never been in love with him like I need to be.....I just thought that over time things would grow.....It's not that I want someone else....I've tried to create a life for myself but always end up feeling that deep connection when I talk to the other person.....I hate it, because I can't help that these feelings come back....emotionally and in my dreams......I can tell you right now that if it ended up that me and current boyfriend were to break up....I would stay by myself for a very long time.....Not run to this other person.....it's not like that. I just needed to get all of this out even though the picture is fuzzy because it's hard to explain a span of 5yrs. It's really something that's hard for me to talk about too......I know that I need to let go of it all.....Because when I think about it rationally it's really dumb......I don't cry over why this other person won't commit, I cry because I can't believe after all this time I still have feelings and I can still be dumb enough to give him the time of day....I cry because I'm mad at myself that I let him bother me enough to get really upset and ruin my whole day. I cry because sometimes I just wish he was never a part of my life...Thank you for giving me some feed back and the support because you understand.....I am going to put myself through counseling as well as couples counseling.....Because even though sometimes I feel like I'd rather be my current boyfriends friend I have a willingness to try and work it out.....For us and our son....I also love my son to death.....He is my world....I don't talk about him much because I try to keep him out of all of my problems.....It's just a personal thing but I know that he is a part of the picture and my life......I'm just generally saying all this....Not to be rude....

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/5/2008 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Hope,

I am so glad you did not take my post wrong.  You are not dumb, your are human. When I did something very similiar I knew I was going to get kicked in the teeth but I did it anyhow.  I was dumb enough to move to the city where this person lived after already havng him walk out on me before. Why did I go and do something so dumb.............I will never know but when I moved to where he was I had 3 little children. It did not even last one week, I was left with nothing but bills.  He snuck out in the middle of the night. He took the car, it was his.............left me high and dry.

I cried a river and then swallowed my pride and called a friend for help. He was much like your Dr, he would pop in and out of my life but after his last stunt I got really mad at myself and decided never again would I fall for that trick again.

I know I will have memories of him but I won't be remembering any of the good, only the way I was treat in the end. 

After he snuck off taking the car and leaving me alone with no phone or transportation my 3 year old got very sick with high temp and I had no way to go to a Dr.  That was the straw for me.  No one messes with my children.

That child died in a car accident when he was 21 and I still feel guilty for putting him in a precarious situation way back when he had that fever.

Well I am rambling but I wanted you to know you are not stupid. You are not dumb and your are trying to heal by going to therapy.  I am proud of you.

Stay strong.  Let the tears out and then get up and keep taking babysteps.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 12/5/2008 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Kitt,

I have decided for the last time that I'm just so done. I can't deal with this crap especially right now that I'm in the process of going to get help for me and that I made the decision to get help for my current relationship. You can't help your mind from running with it you know, I wonder why this connection with him always comes back, I wonder why I keep being nice, I wonder why he contacts me when he knows all he ends up doing is causing me grief. Because I thought about it and the past 2 yrs he's always been the one contacting me. I wonder why I keep doing it when I know all of the realities, like he's the one that let me go in the first place, he's the one that asked me out when he knew he couldn't give me a relationship, he's never been there for me in my life, he hasn't been in it, he's always the one telling me how he feels about me when he knows he shouldn't go there.....So in the end why should I keep caring. There isn't a lot of people out there you know, that would still be here for this guy. What a smuck he is......Because at almost 43 if he knows this isn't going to go anywhere.....if he knows that I've wrote him off before and told him not to talk to me but still will.....I've even put him on my ignore list on messenger......but have taken him off after some time, then he will end up writing me...why? I've tried to tell him that I can't have him in my life but he can't be mature enough to let ME go and let me live my life. I know I'm at fault too but just explaining what he does. I know that I am bigger and better then this.....I just really need to tell myself the whole thruth to it all and not let him in my life.and that I'm done being nice......I actually uninstalled the messenger on my computer......I feel better just getting rid of it period instead of just ignoring him.

I am feeling better now as you can tell.....And I've been through this many times so I do know all of the truths about it. I'm just done with getting upset over a nobody and I can't believe I did it again when I told myself I was done last time but you know what? I just need to tell myself that it isn't going to be like this anymore. And I need to care enough about myself to get it in my head that I am too good to be there for him in any way and that he is beneath me! This coming new year, here I come!!! Because I really do want to work on myself and my current relationship.....He's a really great guy.....We do have a lot invested and I will hope for the best.

I'm sorry for your loss....I just couldn't imagine.......I am really glad that you got through your ordeal and created a better life for yourself. That takes a lot of courage and strength....Something that I'm going to need this next year! And thanks for telling me I'm not dumb we tend to feel that way though........And thank you for understanding....


Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 12/5/2008 6:39:21 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 12/5/2008 10:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hope,

I am so happy for your decision. And remember that we are here for you and will help you get your self esteem back.

I am proud of you for going through therapy. I know that will help make you stronger and stronger.

You are doing all of the right things for yourself, your child and your husband. This is wonderful.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, December 07, 2016 11:38 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,734,164 posts in 301,185 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151309 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, waterfall79.
345 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Chask, JayMot, Jen77, Skyy, Tick41, Girlie, pmm73, NotQuiteAntonio, julymorning


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer