Let me introduce myself please

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/9/2008 6:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Once upon a time on November 28, 1992, a son was born. His mother was alone that night he was born, he had no one in there to say hi to but her. Her brothers and sisters just dropped her off, and her husband was in another country.

A quick fast forward about one year.

The father divorces the woman and takes his son and leaves behind his daughter, supposedly because he did not have her passport. Now, he raised this son on a firm bases:

Your mother never cared for you,
I'm all you ever had,
You have to be a preacher and a man of God,
Go against me and I'll throw you on the street or send you to your mom,
Be smart and intelligent - anything below an A means you're worthless.

The boy took this to his heart, and lived on those very facts of life in humble love for his father, his only lover.

He became the top of his class. He brought his bible to school and preached to the kids. He even typed out strips of bible verses and left it on the desk of one of his classmates, whom he would have loved to be best friends with. Though, yes, he was firm in his beliefs, he did not push anything on anyone. The kids beat him up, robbed him, harassed him, and left him alone of course. I can recall the days that boy would get chased all the way up his apartment, greeted with fists in the morning before school, and even more during and after school. This boy would never defend himself however; his father said it was a sin.

He grew up with a hatred for people and his mother. One day he got sick of the years of torment. So at the start of the sixth grade, he became like everyone else. He sagged his pants, wore baggy clothes, began to curse, and all of that jazz. Well, at least that brought him a few people that were amused by his jokes and humor.

His father married another woman. The woman beat him and cursed at him so much that she gave him nightmares. Literally. That's where his suicide attempts began. Note: This was 3rd grade, some years before he changed. The kids went home and played outside with friends. He came home and would try to with his covers. But he was a child, afraid of death, and he would fall short every time and just cry himself into a headache, then think over his life. He'd think until he fell to sleep.

Back to 6th grade: At this point the woman gave the father problems. He divorced her. The boy had a sister by then, and he had come to forgive his father for letting him be mistreated for so long.

He went on up till the beginning of the 8th grade thinking his problems were over. His father became engaged to another woman. The boy was fed up. He did not say anything against her, but actively avoided his father. His father sensed this and caused him hell for a good amount of months.


He went to court one day and filed to have the boy removed from his possession. Luckily enough, and even I am amazed at the timing, his mother called. The mom came and picked up the boy. She listened to the father's story, and to this day believes the boy was the one who was at fault.

The boy's original sister and himself became friends. His mother was great at first, but they always fought. Always. Even though the boy had found in his heart to try to not believe the things his father said anymore, they still ended up in fights. He grew to love his sister though. Love.

A series of events occurred and the boy found out that his little sister was having . He was struck hard by this. So  dam hard. He despised her. He felt as she betrayed him. What if she became pregnant? The boy and his mother and sister would just fall deeper into poverty.

**** that *****.

He was at the up most peak now, right? Nothing bad could happen worse than that right? He hated everyone now. His father, mother, full sister, and the rest of the world. **** those *****s for hating him right?

His uncle comes into the picture. He tells him how much he loves him all the time, and every time he visits. Oh yea. That boy was feeling the love. That was his second father right there.

The boy went to CT over the summer to spend the time working for his uncle in law (who ripped him off out of his money at the end of the summer). His father, oh, I mean uncle, gave him some alcohol, and he got a little tipsy. A little tipsy with his uncle. He just chilled with his uncle while his uncle and his friends told jokes in a different language. Best day of his life. None of the friends really liked the boy though; because of him his uncle have to leave early every night so he could get home.

When the boy went back home, he got into problems with his mom. His uncle found out and eased him through the situation. He felt relieved to have him as his uncle. He woke up one day to overhear his uncle tell his sister that he ended the conflict because it was for his sister, the boy's mother. Dam.

The boy had come back from CT by the way with a turned cheek for his sister. He had just felt that great. They grew close. One day they were playing, and the girl told him that she implied by saying "I know what a high school kid like you thinks about in his head wink ."

The boy was appaled at first, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But the boy had felt feelings for her too. They would wrestle and play together, but the wrestling was way to . It was just . The boy began to go through an inner conflict where he hated himself for all of that. But he still wanted her.

Today he came home to that girl, determined to be a 'man' about the way he felt, and let things out. He came home to find her . Dam. I don't even know why it changed anything. The boy himself relied on  ,whenever he could get some, to blow his pains away. But, he got them from his friends. And the boy has only had  once inside his house, but alone. The  she was high on was not from him. It was just like before. He can't trust her. He can't trust anyone. Not even himself. Look at how he betrayed his past feelings to play the role of a fool. How could he?

I am that boy. I am that fool. I am that retarded **** ****. Somehow I forgot to mention my dropping grades and status from spectacular to worthless. I'm so lonely. Jesus it hurts me. I would take a . Any day.
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/9/2008 5:50:36 PM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/9/2008 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, thank you for clicking on this forum thread.

I know that out of the say 20 people that will check this thread, one will get atleast half way through, and realize they would rather write a book.

That doesn't matter.

Whatever happens in my life now, I believe I'm pretty well backed up in my belief that it ain't getting any better. It's not even a belief as much as it is fact.

I'm a 16 year old boy that has no friends and nothing to live for. All I'm waiting for is to get mugged and killed on these streets of Brooklyn, NY. Or maybe my taburculosis will kick in, and I will cough some sweet blood up.

Who knows. One can only hope.

Good Game life.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 12/9/2008 7:59 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi there NPC,

I sense a lot of anger in your post.  But you are young.  And learning to deal with your feelings.  I wish that I could explain to you how life will change and things will get better.  But you have to do some work. 

I think that you should get into counseling.  Maybe talk to your school counselor.  There is a lot of good in life, you just have to stumble upon it.

I am sorry that you had such a rough childhood.  But that isn't your fault.  And you can change your attitude towards things if you want to.  There are a lot of us who had a lousy childhood too.  Some, much worse than yours.  But in time, we change and things do get better. 

You need to change your relationsip with your sister if you haven't already.  You can love her as a sister, but nothing else.  You need to get off of drugs and see a counselor, that is the only way that you are going to change the way that you feel about life.

We have a lot of people your age on the forum.  They will post on this, just give them time to read it.  Things don't happen instantly, that is something that you have to learn about too.  Things take time, people don't always do things when you expect them to.  And people do make mistakes, we are all human. 

So start working on getting better, and keep posting.  Note the rule that I put at the bottom of your first post and try to stay within that rule.  It is very much appreciated.

We are here for you, this is going to take time for you to work things out.  But you can do it.  I have faith in that.

Hugs, Karen

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/9/2008 8:49 PM (GMT -6)   


I would like to welcome you to HealingWell.  We are here as a peer support group to help people deal with their depression.

You have obviously been emotionally and physically abused all your life and I truly believe you need serious help, more help than we are qualified to offer you.

We are here to support you during your time of healing but please do take these numbers and find some help.  You have been resilant in managing to take care of your self so I hope you put the hard work into getting one on one help for you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Crisis Numbers:

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

Child Abuse Hotline | Support & Information 800-792-5200

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357

Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
Also you were raised in a religious enviornment , and not all preachers/ministers are like your father.  Find a good one that will help you.
Do get your sister some help too.
Bless you and know that inside you are full of good and just let it out.  Believe in yourself.


Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 12/10/2008 4:24 AM (GMT -6)   

You seem to be filled with so much anger. It is only hurting you to hold on to this anger, you need to start letting it go & becoming responsible for your own happiness.

Counselling would be really good fro you I think, It would mean that you would have someone to talk through things with, is there maybe a counsellor at your school that you could speak with?

I think you also have issues with self esteem, you need to learn to love & look after your self.
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 12/10/2008 9:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Heej NPC!

I am sorry for all the things that have happened to you. Being 16 means a lot of hormones rushing through your veins, new insights, overall a major change. Things can seem hopeless, but please bear in mind that there is always hope (seen LOTR? :-) ).
Karen is right with the counselling. Staying solitary doesn't make things better in most cases. I am proud of you for letting us now, it is a major step towards getting better.

There is this quote by mister Ford: "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you are usually right". If you keep thinking there is no way out of the sadness, then you will probably never get out. While thinking you can get out and work for it will in most cases get you out. It is up to you which of the two you choose.

And NPC, you have just made a friend! :-) He is called Erik, lives in the Netherlands, and is 18 years old. Please keep talking to us, and please convince yourself that there is a way out!

Take care!
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 12/10/2008 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

You have been given some fantastic advice already from other people. I, too sense a lot of anger in your post and wonder whether a place / person to vent to would be benificial to you. There is always hope for people, especially when they are young and full of potential like you are.

Please keep talking to us

Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/10/2008 6:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I tried venting to people. All they did was just avoid me, or showed complete lack of care.

One of the times I had run away from my house because my dad was giving all those issues, I went to my friends house. They asked me what was wrong, then after I answered, they asked me if I had my mom's number. They said they cant have me around them because it would be kidnapping. Ok. So I left. the next time I saw the friend, he avoided me and wouldnt talk to me.

My mom and I got into numerous fights. Not only fights, but just times of emotions. I've spilled my heart out to her OVER and OVER, but each time, she did not show care. She just called me a liar or a negative person.

I can't talk to my school counselor. She doesnt have the time to listen to some boy rant on, nor do I feel it safe to talk to her. I dont even have time during the day.

I'm too poor for a counselor. And I dont want to ask my mom. I cant call a hotline because I have no privacy during the day.

I've decided to ignore my mother and sister; to block them out of my life.

If I need professional assistance, then I'm guessing you all cant help me. I'll take a leap and guess that all you will have to say to me is, "things will get better" or "life isnt all that bad". I love what you guys do here, but that isnt helping me.

It's like someone left a hole in my chest and it burns. You can tell me things will get better, but I'm saying after sixteen years -sixteen long years- I have not gotten better. No one has given my heart back.

Please. Please. Just tell me what to do to fill this hole in my chest. Telling me life gets better is not what will help me.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 12/11/2008 12:07 AM (GMT -6)   
But, life DOES get better. I am 50. I remember 16. I felt the same way. I was in love with an 18 year old. I almost made the mistake of running away with him. I am glad that I didn't. My girlfriends talked me out of it and I listened. He ended up shooting himself, I would have been most likely pregnant, and no where to go. Wouldn't have known anybody. But I was in love and all I wanted to do was be with him. And nobody was going to stop me. I am glad my friends changed my mind. But I became depressed over that. My parents never let me do anything, they were strict. Now I am glad that they were. I know that this isn't like your story. But I do know how you feel. My mom was abusive to me. I was scared to death of her.

We aren't professionals, so we can't tell you what to do, we can give you advice of what we think is best. But we have to advise you to seek help. But don't give up on us. There are a lot of other depressed teens here who will be more than happy to try to help you.

So keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 12/13/2008 7:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear NPC,

Could you please e-mail your story to Dr. Sudersanan at sudi_sudi@rediffmail.com. He is an Indian psychiatrist who will talk to you for free. He has been my doctor for the past one year and he has helped me move on with life. I had a lot of issues like you - disturbed family life and I also have bipolar. He will help you find a free social worker or psychologist who can correspond with you on e-mail. Hope this helps.


Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/17/2008 2:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi NPC. Welcome to the board. Sorry you're having a tough time.

Used to be a depressed teenager myself. Here are some things that have helped me over the years. Meds and therapy. Call some govt offices and see if you can get help. State, county and city (if you live in a big city). The the mental health dept., the welfare dept., the children's health dept. Any name that looks like a possibility.

Self-help books might help. Try Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.

See if there are any 12 step programs you could attend like Emotions Anonymous. I don't know if there are any teen programs or not. I think there's one for teenagers who have family members that drink. That might be helpful because it's people talking about emotions, depression, etc.

In a few years you will be an adult and have more control over your life. Do your best to be prepared e.g., stay in school, don't do drugs, etc.

Please check back with us and let us know how you are doing. Good luck.


New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/19/2008 12:27 AM (GMT -6)   
You have found a great group of people here. Keep sharing & know we all truely care. You are Gods child. He loves you. He will never turn his back on you. Pray to god. Let him know you need him. He is there for all of us. I too agree you need to let go of the anger & begin the healing process.
Your young an you have many years ahead of you. God has a great plan for your life. Think good thoughts. Stay away from negative thinkers.
Stay in touch with this group. I am a new member, but i sense a warm feeling here. We are all here for each other.
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