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CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 1:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
 
this is my first time doing anything like this. So please be kind.
 
I will give a bit of background...
 
i am 24 and I have a wonderful man in my life. We are getting married next year. He provides for me, cares and loves me just the I am. He is so sweet and loving and honest, and I could not ask for a better man.
 
I have a history of cronic depression in my family as well as in myself. My uncle killed himself in 2004, it hit me very hard. But I slowly was getting over it. And then i found myselfextremely depressed, and I went to my doctor to get help as i didn't want to end up like my uncle. I got better and have been doing very well until recently.
 
I have no reason to feel sad or upset. I just can't seem to control my emotions or anything. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I feel so lonely even though I have a wonderful supportive family. I feel so guilty for feeling this way when I don't have anything to be sad over. i also have cronic daily migraines. There is not one day I wake up without pain. I am in pain all day and all night. I have no tumors or anything. I have been on so many different kinds of drugs and group therapy. Nothing has worked. I feel exausted all the time. It takes so much out of me to just even cook dinner for my fiance. The littleest things will set me off either crying or me getting upset or mad. I don't want to yell, or be upset, or get mad, or be condensending, or talk down to him. It just happens, then I feel sooooo horrible I start bawling and apologize. i feel that no matter who I want to talk to they will say I have no reason to feel this way. And it's true. But i also don't want to feel like I am weak by going back on antidepressiants.
 
wow well that should be lots for now
 
thank you for reading

CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 1:47 AM (GMT -7)   
i also have an addiction to over the counter pain meds for my migraines. I have been taking them for so long that I have become immune to their strength, and as a result I take more to try and dull the pain, even for one min.
 
I am also addictied to online sex chats(yes even though I am very much in love) I feel I am a horrible person for doing this. I have never ever cheated on my fiance, and I never will. I just chat online because it's something to pass the time. At least that is what I tell myself. I have a horrible darker side to me that I am so ashamed to even tell anyone about. this does not help things i know. i feel i don't deserve this wonderful man, I don't want to hurt him. I have told him about the online profiles and he did not get upset. He wants to help me anyway he can. But I don't know if I am worth saving...

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 12/10/2008 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Cute!

Welcome to HW!

First of all I want to make it very clear that you are worth just as much as anyone else. If you love your partner, and he loves you, then there is nothing else to worry about. Though I know exactly what you mean.

about your depression, every day it is becoming more clear that depression has a large genetic foundation. If your family had trouble with depression in the past, the chances are high you inherited some of those genes that trigger it. Anti-depressant can counter this, and I think it is a good idea to try some medication again. Maybe you find something that works this time. You want to be happy again right, how can that be weak? I think you are so much stronger when you acknowledge you have depression and try to make it better, than when you just sit back and do nothing.

Please visit a doctor for your migraine and your counter pain meds, maybe he will know something. I don't know what is in that pills, but it would be awful if they would do damage in any way.

Cute, I am so proud of you for writing all this down here. It can be really hard to take this step, but I firmly believe that telling others does help. There are so many wonderful people on this world willing to give you all the love and compassion you need. Just as negative thoughts can do harm, positive thoughts can heal. Love and compassion are great healers as well.

Take care Cute, and feel free to write down everything you want, it can make you feel much better!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your words. But it's so easy for people to say "think good thoughts, or think happy or positive thoughts" I try and I try but the bad ones keep seeping in. And the over the counter meds are the only thing I seem to have control over. How much i take, what kind. Tylenol is not strong enough anymore, I used to be up to taking the max daily at one time. I have had my migraines day in and day out for 10 years. Since I was 13.. wow I guess it's 11 years now.. I have been to my doctor, he has put me on every kind of preventitave and accute drug there is, I am allergic to some, and most don't work, and the ones that do even a bit of relief they stop working after 2 months.

I hate disappointing everyone by not being stong enough to get through this without pills. I am just not strong enough.

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 12/10/2008 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Cute,

Whether I have to say a thousand times, you are strong enough. You just need to see it. Maybe it will help if you try to look at your problems from a more basic point of view, as things can seem way too overwhelming. Ask yourself the question "Do I want to be happy?". If yes, ask yourself the question "Do I truly want to be happy, is being happy more important to me than having money or a good career?". If you answer yes again, it will mean that happiness really important to you, and thus you could try to put just as much energy into it as you would do with your job and career.

There is way out if you believe in it. If you keep saying to yourself "I will never be happy", then you probably are right. If you say "I want to be happy, and I believe that it is possible", you will probably be right too. As you say, it ain't easy, and just saying to yourself that you are happy won't work. It requires hard work and dedication, but isn't this worth working for?

Take care!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/10/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cute,

And welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have found us.

The truth of the matter is that you will most likely have to go onto medications to help you. You can't beat this alone. Also you have us to talk to.

My friend has migraines and takes something to prevent them before they start. I think that it is a fairly new medication. I will find out the name of it for you.

I hope that you can start feeling better. I hope that you will stop the online sex stuff. Even though your husband doesn't seem to mind, I am sure that to some extent it hurts him.

Keep talking to us, let us know what is going on.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/10/2008 10:46 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Cute,

I have had Anxiety and depression for 26 years and you can beat this and you are strong but you do need the help of the medical field to help you learn to draw on your strengths and turn those negative thoughts around.

When ever you think a negative thought, stop, turn it around and repeat it in the positive vernacular. Change "I am just not strong enough."  to  I am strong enough.

Cybersex Addiction is a specific sub-type of Internet addiction. Estimates suggest that 1 in 5 Internet addicts are engaged in some form of online sexual activity.  You are not alone so understand you have an addiction and you can find help through your physician.

Right now you are the most important person in your life. You need to learn techniques to overcome your problems. You are not a bad person.

Coming here and remaining anonymous has been your first step in asking for help..............we are here for you. You have our support and our caring. You are welcomed by all here.

Let's work on your problems and let others take care of themselves right now.  I am glad your b/f is understanding but remember guilt is a wasted emotion.

Gentle hugs and prayers for you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I think i took a good step.. i started taking my ciprilex again.. but i wonder if i take 5 pills instead of one will it work faster.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/10/2008 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't take five pills instead of one. Your body has to get use to this gradually. You could get very sick.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't know what is going on with me today. I have no energy, I have not cried today (I don't know if that's good or bad) It took so much out of me to even have a shower. I can't make an easy decision like what to make for dinner. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am high on something but I have not taken anything. all I want is for my boyfriend to come home and hug me. and he will, when he is done working. But I want him here now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/10/2008 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I am hoping that by now, your bf is home hugging you.

Keep posting

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/10/2008 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   
It's 11:30pm.. I am awake as per usual. I can't sleep.. It's always hard to fall alseep. I lay in bed listening to my boyfriend sleep. And I feel alone. I know he does his best to be here for me. I know he loves and supports me.
 
i told myself I would not take any muscle relaxiants or excriden tonight. But as i am sitting here my head is pounding... I am in such a fog.
 
Some days I think it would be easier to just feel the physical pain. So I think that is why I go onto the chats and talk about horrible things. Mean and rough ideas. I have a need to feel like I am in physical pain so I can hide from my emotional pain.
 
But can anyone actually truely hide from it?
 
I don't think I can ... Today was a really bad day for me. I hope tomorrow will be a bit better.
 
i will be honest the thought of me not being around does go through my head from time to time. But I will never hurt my mom the way my uncle did when he left. I could never bare the thought of giving her so much pain. So I will try to become a better person...
 
But can I

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 12/11/2008 5:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Cute,

Sorry to keep saying things might sound really unhelpful right now, and maybe always. You ask yourself if it is possible to become a better person, well, why not try it and see what happens? The road will be hard, it will require all of your attention and dedication to walk on it, but it is worth trying, isn't it? Else you will never know.

I tried to hide my fear for many years, only to find them increasing in strength. Instead of always running from my fears, my mistakes, I learned to stand my ground and face them. Running away is only a temporary fix to the problem, with the risk of getting closed in by that what you are running from. Facing your fears is tougher, but the result will be permanent destruction of that fear. Please bear in mind that the fear can not win when you face it, the only thing that could happen is that you start running again. As long as you hold your ground, you will win.

See it as someone who is afraid of water. At the beach, he is always dodging the waves. One day, he had enough of it and stand still, let the water reach his toes. No harm is done. Step by step he is going deeper into the water, and eventually he is able to "swim" in his own fear. Of course, he could drown if he plunged into the deep immediately, so take things one step at a time. Learn to cope with what is bothering you.

Cute, you know we all love you here! Take care!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/11/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Cute,

Yes you can change your life around and know it takes hard work and I truly would like to see you in therapy. Did I miss that you are?  If I did I am sorry.

CBT is often used to help people control their addictions.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts
cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think.

Here is the link to The MoodGym Training Program.  It is a free online program.  Just click on the link but you do have to register.

CBT  

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/

Take care,
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/11/2008 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all for your replies. No I am not in therapy. I want to be, but we cannot afford the money it takes to see the same person on a regular basis. I have been to the free one, which is a walk in first come first serve basis. However, it is a drop in only, no appointments and you cannot be gaurenteed to see the same person everytime.
 
I would like to be able to talk to someone, the same person, but we can't afford it right now.
 
I am not having a good day today. It is like my body and mind are not mine anymore. They are also seperate from each other. Part of my mind says end it all, it's easier than living with the pain. The other part says no, you will not take the cowards way out and hurt the people who love me. Which is why I know I never will, because I could never hurt my mom that way. She is too special and I would never do that to her. Knowing the pain hurt and betrayal she felt when my uncle killed himself, is enough to make me never do anything.
 
But that doesn't mean I don't think about going to sleep and just staying there. Letting the darkness take over me.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/11/2008 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there,

Never lose hope in dealing with your fears and depression. Notice your feelings, figure out what's real, ask 'so what?', make it bigger than life, walk through it, and celebrate who you are. Do these things, make them habits, expose the ridiculousness of your fears (but in a loving way), and all by themselves they'll go away in time..

Check out the online free therapy. 
 
Take care
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/11/2008 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cute,

Have I told you how happy I am that you are with us? Please know that you are cared about here. We do understand how you feel. This is a difficult time of year. So give yourself a break and realize that you are truly needed in this world.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/12/2008 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I just want to be numb, that way I don't have to feel the pain.
 
It's so hard to be happy for everyone else. If I try to think about myself first then I am being selfish. so everyone else must come first.
 
Arrrgg I am not even making sense anymore
 
How can I expect anyone to understand what I am feeling when I don't understand it myself?

CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/12/2008 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   
ahhhhh.. Is it too much to ask for just one full good and restful nights sleep... That's all I want is a restful refreshing sleep... I had such a bad night, waking up, going to sleep, waking up, can't sleep, woke up 1 hr before the alarm, then 30 mins, then 6 mins. Now I wait for my boyfriend to get ready for work, make sure he has breakfast and drives carefuly and then i will go back to bed.. but will it be a good sleep.. probably not, I will have to take something to help me relax to even fall asleep... as usual.....

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/12/2008 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cute,

We all have been there at one time or another so we understand more than you know. It is so hard to function when you don't get any rest. I can sleep and sleep and still be tired. I take ambien though and that does help some.

I hope that you have a good day today. Do think of yourself. When it comes to healing, you have to think of yourself first. You aren't being selfish.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/15/2008 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Now that I am back on the ciprelex I seem to be starting to feel better. But is it actually working or am I going to crash? I seem to be having a strange reaction to it this time.. i seem to be extremely shaky. I have never had any reaction to it before.
 
Picked up some night time sleep aid. so I hope that will help with the sleeping.. I just want a restfull good full nights sleep.
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 12/15/2008 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Try not to question how long you are going to feel good and enjoy it while it is happening. One day at a time. No worries.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/15/2008 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   

If you are starting to feel better please enjoy it. Don't anticipate the worst.  Stay in the moment, if you feel good.......terrific.

I use Trazadone 100mg for sleep and it really helps.  Check with your Doctor and see if that is something that may work for you.  Each person is different, just a thought.

Peace

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/15/2008 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your words.
 
I guess it was just a short time I felt good. I am back to feeling nothing again. Some days I just want to give into the darkness.

help me plz
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/15/2008 7:36 PM (GMT -7)   
hey cute,
well i had this stage with same symptoms for 3 months last year. am totally depressed about my school and i got into that stage and i had the exact same symptoms of what you mentioned. i think it would get better if you try to go out and get back to your routine. i did the same thing it worked.
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