Thank you for your advice. As always, you make a lot of sense. The problem for me is the lying. I've lost my trust in her and she seems to have such an easy time of lying to do the things that she wants. I'm even scared that she may have had an affair (I would never be able to forgive this...no proof though, just a hunch). Not suffering from depression myself, I don't truly understand it. However, I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder that is just making my life miserable. We had a long talk today and unfortunately, I made the decision to leave her (saddest moment of my life). The funny thing is she was telling me that I should just let her go. She admits she can't give me what I am looking for and that I should just get out and let her go. She was not emotional at all about it and seemed more mad that I had brought up all of these issues that had been boiling up inside of me.
So sadly, we are now going to get divorced. We are going to stick it out for the holidays for the kids sake. I really just want her to be happy and between her depression (though not always there it seems) and my anxiety, we were just making each other more miserable. I'm extremely sad about the fate of my marriage (wonder if I'll go from anxious to depressed) but am so appreciative of all the support I've gotten on this website. Thank all and God Bless.
While I have decided divorce is the right thing to do right now, it is not final by any means. I think I've been enabling her way too much and letting her get away with whatever she wanted to do (even her own family cannot believe that I am still with her and they actually fully support me in this). I really believe this decision needed to be made not only for her (I'm hoping it will push her to seek therapy that she was referred to but hasn't gone to yet). In addition, I really have to think about my 2 kids. They are really feeling the effects of what is going on. With my ever developing anxiety disorder, I'm starting to get into a position where I won't be the optimal parent that I want to be. Thus, the divorce decision has actually let my mind settle down and focus on the task at hand. I told my wife I would still be there for her no matter what and that I will always love her. I will continue to take her to the doctor (we went on Wednesday) if needed and take care of the kids so she can concentrate on healing herself.
We are actually still living in the same house (economy issues) but just won't have the intimate contact that we don't actually have anymore anyways (hhmm, nothing really changed). I think it's just the word "divorce" that making her realize that she really needs to seek the consistent help that she needs.
Thus, I am not running away from this at all. We still have the same living arrangement and I am still going to be here for her (although, she still pushes me away when I want to help). I think the divorce decision is allowing me to maintain a logical frame of mind that is most beneficial for the kids and for myself.
Thank you again for all of your support. I really respect all of your opinions and will consider to seek all of your wise guidance. I will continue to work on keeping our marriage together, although it will need to wait until she has taken care of herself. Thanks again and God Bless.
Thank you so much for that. I do love her and you're absolutely right...I don't know what depression is like so I can't truly understand the pain she is going through. The quotes are very telling and very powerful. While I don't think she is going through a major depressive episode (since she is still able to go out and have fun with friends...although it may just be a temporary fix, I'm not really sure), I've decided I'm going to stay with it and just be here for her whenever she needs me (even if she doesn't come to me at least she knows I'm around). The meds I'm on are really helping me keep my head straight as is my daughter, who knows just when her daddy needs a hug or an "I Love You". I know this will take time but I did make a vow to stay with her "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health". I am going to honor those vows and see this through to the end. Of note, I have my first therapy session tomorrow so I'm hoping to get more coping mechanisms on how to get through this situation and how to help my wife in the best way possible.
Thank you again for the insight. All of you on this sight have been a godsend. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your advise.
No. She wouldn't want to do that right now. I believe she is currently taking her medication so it will take time to kick in. I'm not so sure she is that lucky. We are having a lot of marriage issues related to trust right now and I'm not sure if its just us or if the depression is having anything to do with it (this is increasing my anxiety). It doesn't make sense that she is able to go out with friends and seem to be fine but when at home, she always seems down. The only thing that is making me think that she is more depressed than I may think is that she hasn't been doing nearly as much stuff with our daughter or her parents and sister. She is really close to all of them but has been spending little time interacting with them (getting better with my daughter though only hugs/snuggling....no interactive games or anything like that). This is totally against her character. I'm even doing all the Christmas shopping and wrapping for the kids (yikes). Every year she was always into buying stuff for the kids but this year is different. She really doesn't have a lot of interest in it.
When we went away for a couple of days last week (after the first time we decided to keep working on this), she seemed to be happy when we were out (there were times when her sadness would hit her though). However, both nights she wanted to stay out and do things until she was totally exhausted. She said this was because she was feeling it and wanted to be able to sleep right away. Thus, while we had a great time (I guess she can have fun with me as well as with friends), it seems it was more to help keep her mind off of the sadness. **I guess my question to this is, "is this characteristic of someone who is depressed? Are you still able to go out and have fun but then still have the underlying sadness there?"**
Well, all answers will be appreciated as always. Going to work hard to make it through another day. Thank you all.
Thank you for the insight. That makes sense and is really going to help me keep it together knowing what you just told me about depression. There are so many misconceptions out there about depression that I was getting extremely confused (her sister told me "how can she be depressed but still go out and have fun with friends?"). I do think our home is a depressing environment for her (hence, her always being away from home).
As for me, I just saw a Psych MD today and she put me on meds that will help to alleviate this overwhelming anxiety I am feeling. Just reading your responses as helped me a lot too.
Kitt and Karen, you are both unbelievable people for taking the time out to help a distressed husband deal with a disease that I have/had very little understanding of. I greatly appreciate you both.
I moved your post to a thread of your own so the members would see it. Welcome to our world.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/20/2008 9:36:57 AM (GMT-7)