Inside my head.

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Beej1256
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/29/2008 2:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I find it hard to go through a night without ending it alone in my room listening to music or trying to write my own in order to feel a little bit of happiness anymore. I like to think that I hide my depression well but looking back on tonight while I was with my friends and family I realize I was with them..but I wasn't paying any attention to them all. Things have started to revolve around me drinking in order to enjoy some time with them. I want to say things are great in my life when I really don't feel that way at all. I want to say that i've been able to always control the feelings i've had when they eat me up on the inside. It seems as if people look right through me, they call me weird, quiet, stupid, they make fun of me because i'm short...it seems like everything I've got is something to put me down. I've always had mostly everything I've ever asked for besides anything that is really important to me. My parents are wonderful and I love them to death. I was deathly ill sense I was 3 years old which was my main reason for joining this website in the first place because I felt like talking to other people who have may experienced the same things. Even still I feel alone. I know I have loving friends and my loving family but everyday they make me feel like I am singled out from the rest of them. With the special treatment my mom gives me or the jokes everyone else makes. My father whos always been right next to me in the hospital never complaining, always smiling and trying to do everything he can to help me, and being the best father I could ever ask for and my best friend..I hardly see anymore and we don't hang out as much as we used to. I miss him and I don't want to say I depended on him at all to be happy because I don't think thats true. I just can't seem to find another person who seems to care for me like he does. Lately i've been trying to date more because I hadn't had the chance due to always being sick. But its hard to find anyone who will give me the time of day. For once I tell them about what I went through and what I deal with now because of my illness they turn away. Or because I was sick and was held back in school 2 years, girls my age tell me "We are just at different times in our lives" which is really true but I get tired of hearing it from all of them. Its like i'm not worth the trouble for anyone. I'll ask people out and it seems like a joke to most...and I know its normal that not everyone is going to say yes to me and not everyone is gonna like me and all of that and I don't go off trying to date every single girl I talk to but i'm 20 and I feel like my life started at around age 15. I feel like i'm years behind of where I should be. I feel stuck..like i'm being depressed. Held back because I am 2 grades behind where I should be and because of my illness. I try so hard to not complain about anything ever and obviously i'm failing...holding all of this in is killing me. I find myself becoming more and more angry with people from day to day. I used to be the easiest person to get along with. But I guess maybe thats because I would shrug everything off. Now I see myself arguing with everyone because I really honestly can't seem to lie to people and ill speak my mind to them. I know this growing anger isn't good but I can't really seem to stop it. I can't stand it when people lie, or make stupid choices, I believe that you can control anything you want if you really give a darn. I hate it when people don't take the blame for what they caused or wont live up to what they say and I wont hesitate to let them know they are a liar when its something important enough to make a fuss about. I can't stand the pain it seems like people love to put on others. With jokes or whatever it may be. Its been a little over a year ago now when my sister was killed outside of a bar in Florida. Its still very hard to believe and my mother or anyone in my family will never be the same. That night replays in my mind almost everyday. Early in the morning my cousin calling and hearing my mom yell back at her because she was crying on the line not making sense and she was scaring my mom. Her saying my sister was hurt and my mom freaking out..then later my mom calling the hospital where they took my sister and telling her that she was dead on arrival...I can't explain the look on my moms face or describe her screaming..I did my best to be strong for my mom and my family. I held my mom most of the night doing everything I could to not cry in front of her because I wanted her to feel like she had some sort of comfort or safety...and it was like that for months after. I can't forget the screaming or staring into my mothers eyes and trying to tell her my sister was fine and safe in heaven. I can't sleep sometimes because I see my sister when I close my eyes...dead but rushing into my room and just running up to my bed and looking at me. Staring me down...this whole thing totally changed my life. I shouldn't have passed up the times to talk to her when she'd call because she was bored when I wasn't doing anything important ever..This has really just pushed me to a new level of depression. And now most people in my family are full of anger and want this other girl to rot in jail or to die...but I honestly can't wish that on someone. I would never wish what has happened to my family on anyone elses no matter what. The case has still yet to go to court but I think its close..I personally don't care about the court or whos fault it was for starting the fight..I lost my sister and thats the most important thing about it to me nothing will bring her back... I just wish I could talk to this girl and she can see what shes done to us all and at least show some kind of sympathy about it. I've always tried to be the best person I could be..and I feel like im losing it...and i've always wanted to take peoples pain away but hell..Looking in my mothers eyes during that time I know that no matter how hard I try I can't do that....I honestly feel like I will fail at my part in life if I don't do something to change the way people are treating each other. And I have had people tell me i'm crazy...or stupid..or to just shut up..and I know there will be many more people to do that but I don't think I can. And I think thats why i've become the way I am...and why i've been so close to dying so many times by things I cant control and things I can but its never happened because i've got something to do first. And really this isnt like the movies..where one person stands up from the crowd and changes lives. Who am I kidding? I'm just a person like everyone else..no different how the hell am I going to change people? Thats really the million dollar question. I can't and I know that. People may call me crazy or weird but i'm not THAT bad. I just think people shouldn't be sitting around waiting for that light to start shining in someone who we see as having high power to make our lives better. People just need to take the initiative and do it themselves and not rely on someone to support us.

An old blog:
Most of you couldn't understand and I see that. Believing that you know more because you've been told more. Not seeing what I see because you are to focused on being told what to look at. Your happy living in the demise of humanity because you will be dead before it all ends. Its no wonder why so many people are depressed. And the ones who can see the reasons leave us all with no goodbye. The ones that don't know anything look back for there happiness to save them and when that turns its back on them they give up to. You can save yourselves today but you kill humanity in the long run. Because everything you fall for is another bullet for the clip in the gun. Looking for fame, creating art for the sake of money and not for the sake of love and feeling. We all focus on what will help us have a "good life" full of money and happiness causing us to turn our backs on everything that is really important. Only a few can see that this is not living and choose to not stay in hell anymore. With constant ridicule from those who believe that they are better and smarter but have no chance in seeing the consequences of everything they do. Because you believe that because this is the way everyone just like you says things should be, that means that it is the way it is. You can't see the fear in yourself and everyone who controls you hopes that you can't see the fear in them to..so you can still be ruled over. Few of us have dreams for the better of humanity as a whole and act on it. Some of us do but are killed off by the rest of you. I've been through hell sense the day I was born..But the worst of everything is happening now that its all over. Seeing how warped and lost people are these days is depressing and I hope to bring something good back to people before they kill me. The most important things in the world have been lost and I ****ing hate it. And I've constantly been told that I need to change and you probably wouldn't even notice that you say it. But its time for things to change for the better. For people to help others and be better people. To change the focus of the world from money and power...to a real peace and happiness.

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 12/29/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Beej!

First I have to make my apologies for not reading your entire story. I have a bad headache, and it is just too much text for me to handle right now. From the bits and pieces I have read it seems you are full of hate and misunderstanding towards others. Well, you certainly have a point there, as mankind is quite a weird form of life.

A few things that strike me is that you say people need to take the initiative towards living a better (read, more loving, compassionate, and joyful) life, instead of the going on battle for money and power. But if you think about it, how can hatred, anger and rage contribute to a more loving world? Isn't that a contradiction? Hate is always negative I believe, as is anger. It will destruct, rather than mend. It will bring war, more hatred, etc. Hatred is contagious. Just as love. Love is the opposite of hatred, and will mend rather than destroy, love is a positive force. And no, I do NOT mean the love for a woman you want to have as a gf, because for man our age (I am 18) that is most of the time based on craving rather than genuine love. True love is having love and care for everything, no matter what it is. You will know your love is true when you can wish the best for your worst enemies. And true love is what we need in this competitive world.

You need to change. Yes, I read that you hate it when people say it to you. Hate it. Hate. Unless you can stop the hating, the world won't become a better place. Rather than resistance on what those others have to say, open your mind for them. You hate the world, you need to change. A pretty logical solution, isn't it? The world is nothing more than what we think of it. It won't judge you, it won't tell you what to do. There is no Right or Wrong, no Good or Bad. It just is. So we can hate the world and feel angry, or love the world and feel happy. We decide.

To make my last point a bit more clear, try to imagine a football game. The winning team and their fans will be happy, the losers will be sad. It isn't the game itself that is the cause of emotion, else everyone would experience the same emotions (like all be happy). No, it is our minds that decide whether to perceive a situation as "happy", "sad", "good", "depressing" etc.

This is good news, as we change our minds. We can change them from hating and rejecting minds to open and loving minds, caring for everything around us.

Beej, please watch your reaction towards my story. Do you feel like I am a stupid not knower for trying to love this wicked world? If so, who is the not knower? The one that live in hatred and sadness, or the one that (is trying to ) live in happiness and joy? You choose.

I can ramble on about this for hours, but that won't be very helpful. I hope this somewhat shed a new light on your state of being, and if not, sorry for writing this.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/29/2008 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I do like what you said about the artist painting for money. I am an artist and I can't for the life of me paint for money. I can paint for the love of the art, but when money comes into the scene, I can't do it. So that made me feel better.

I can see where Erik is coming from. He wants to see you love the world no matter what. And I think that you can do that. I can read compassion in your post. Even though you are angry right now.

Keep trying, dont ever give up. You are a good person and things will change.

Hugs, karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Beej1256
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/30/2008 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Tonight was another night with my friends and my family. I forced myself to get drunk to have a good time but a half hour into it I couldn't stand being around them anymore and I stopped drinking and began to shut down. and I do completely understand that I contradict myself from time to time its something that really bothers me and I do it because I am an over thinker..and I think things like..everyone needs to love each other more and change how they are. but how can I say that because if I want them to change I don't love the way they are. I know as well as everyone that hate will always be apart of life. You can't completely take that away or will ever be able to. I have found myself sitting up like this countless times thinking about how wonderful this world is...and how its amazing how this planet and everyone and thing on it came to be. maybe i'm slightly crazy but darn you have to stop and think how the hell did all of this happen. I went camping with my friends last year out in the country and stayed up all night long doing nothing but looking at the stars by myself and just laying in the grass in silence. It was one of the best times of my life i've ever had alone. I watched the sun rise and heard it when the world seemed to have woken up. I say I hate it when people tell me I need to change because of the fact they want me to be completely just like them...to start dressing the same and to not give a darn about anyone other then a select group. They want me to be "cool" and follow the trends and not care to think about the things I really care for and to not do things like stay up all night outside by myself looking at the stars and watching the sun rise because its "weird". Thats what I ment when I said I hate it when they tell me to change...because I know change is a part of life its natural and everyone and everything changes as it grows but I don't want to change into being just someone else.

I love people for exactly who they are..but I hate how they treat each other or myself. And its that element of it that I want to change. People don't all have to be the same and if that was so the world would be a boring place. I can understand it when someone chooses to believe in whatever it is they believe in but I can't understand it when someone puts another person down for it. No matter what it is. If you look at the bare essentials of life we are just things living on a planet with a bunch of other things. We can hate but we need to love and respect we are all the same but not. The sort of yin and yang factor placed into everything. The whole concept seems like a big contradiction...and when you fully think it through its impossible to not form it into one.

I feel lost in my thoughts right now and im going to stop for tonight....

I really do thank anyone who read my posts for reading them and replying if you did.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/30/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beej,

I think that it is cool that you want to be your own person and I hope that you do. Sure you can do what other people think is cool, by following the trends, I guess. But that takes away from your individuality. Be who you are. You are happy with that and that is what it is all about. I commend you for you.

Enjoy the stars, and the mornings. You are a wonderful person. And if you don't want to get drunk, don't. No sense in punishing yourself for what others want.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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