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Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/29/2008 10:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I haven't posted on here in awhile and I'm usually on the Crohn's forum... I was having some relationship, job issues last time I posted.  Now I'm down again.  It seems like I can't figure out a happy medium with my emotions.  I'm stressed/down right now cause I'm having a hard time financially and it makes me feel really bad about myself.  I'm almost 34 and I can't seem to get life right.  I'm a Christian and I pray about it but still haven't felt at peace...
 
I know everyone struggles with money and bills and even more when you have a chronic illness.  But why do the negative emotions have to go along with it.  I feel like my family isn't proud of me and at 33 I should have done so much more with my life! 
 
Thanks for letting me vent.  I know things won't be horrible forever but boy is it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
April
 
 

 



stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/29/2008 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   

April

I am sorry you are having problems with your depression.  I wouldlike to suggest you see a therapist to help you work through your chronic illness and depresssion or Work through the CBT program.

I am sure others will have answers for you too.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/29/2008 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi April,

First of all, I really like your name. That is the month that I am looking forward to.

I am sorry that you are struggling so right now. I agree with Kitt, you should try to get into some type of therapy to help you through this difficult time. It really does help.

The economy is bad. It is hard for a lot of people to even find a job right now. Hang on to what you have and keep praying for help.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Remember that you are NOT a failure. Just somebody going through a hard time right now. I wish you all the best.

Keep posting,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/29/2008 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for responding!

I was seeing a counselor but I don't have insurance so I can't go anymore. I'm very thankful for the job I have and I love it but it's part time and no benefits so I'm starting to struggle. I'm afraid I may have to move back in with my parents. That thought makes me nervous, sad, mad, and frustrated. I should be able to take care of myself... I feel like my hard time has lasted forever!
 
 

 



getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/29/2008 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   

There is a site that you might want to check out that is free and very helpful.

http://moodgym.anu.edu/welcome

I understand it is like behavioral therapy.  Check it out and let us know how it goes.

Best wishes,

hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/29/2008 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi April,

What struck me from your post is that you mentioned feeling bad about yourself because of your finances, but I think the deeper reason for the depression is in what you ended with when you said: "I feel like my family isn't proud of me and at 33 I should have done so much more with my life!" I can so relate to that and in that sense I know for me, a lot of the depression I've struggled with is based on how I have felt about myself. Often times our families don't really know who we are and can't understand a context besides the usual expectations society teaches us all to put on one another, you know, job and financial success, and external things we've built and done with our lives. For that reason and others they have been unable to give us what we needed to develop that inner strength inside ourselves. THat just means we need develop the gift of seeing our worth and feeling proud of ourselves outside of what our parents can't give us and also according to things that are deeper than what the eye can see.

As a christian myself, I do have a residing peace in the Lord, but at the same time, when those old emotions of low self worth get triggered, the prevailing emotion isn't peace, but the heaviness. THe peace never leaves, but it can get buried, and I do have to find my way back to reconnect with it. To struggle in this way is normal when things are hard - outside or inside. And emotions take time to even out when dealing with deeper hurts in our hearts.
 
Like you, I havn't been able to afford a counselor either, though I have felt it woudl have helped me process stuff. But I journal A LOT. Just writing how I feel and praying or singing it out. That usually gives me a lift and if I struggle again, I just go back to that place again. So daily I can reconnect with my strength that way. And over time I get this deposit inside of all those moments of strength and light and truth, and things slowly but surely begin to change in how I see myself. Self image does take a long time to change, but gradually, from glory to glory, the changes to come as the sunshine reaches in and we find a way to work through those old emotions. Love and truth as we bask in them are very good companions on the journey through the valley of depression as I'm sure you know. Sometimes they are hard to feel, but every little movement towards them helps.  So journalling might be helpful?

I havn't been able to work in about ten years except a bit of part time work. My health took a pretty big nose dive in 98. But after a decade, I am finally seeing my dreams re-emerge even though they look differently than I expected, at least for now.  BUt yes, there really IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I can say that is true from experience.
 
 
As for health, I still find it hard to accept my limitations. It still hurts. But there again, journal the pain and frustration out and then refocus on the health you DO have. Find the perspective that will bring you strength. And of course, vent here and reach out here for support when you need it. There's a lot of love and compassion going on in this forum.

I think the fact that you are working part time rocks! It shows you are trying and not letting the chrohns win the war.

You know, I just re-read your post and I remembered something. When I was at my lowest - just getting in touch with having ptsd and other stuff going on, I said in essence the same thing as you did re. "I'm 34 and still can't get my life right." I was 27ish and I said that to my mentor/friend I looked up to and her reply was "Well, I'm 44, and I havn't either." We are all so hard on ourselves. At the same time, I think part of what you are feeling is just the struggle of having to push uphill and find the forest clearing. The lack of peace is maybe more a feeling of discontent and unrest? It can actually be a good thing because it can be used to propell you to keep searching for the breakthrough your heart desires and to know the peace in an even deeper way. Sometimes I think certain things are not given to us in full because if they were, we would stop searching for more. So let that seeming lack of peace be the hunger that keeps you searching for a greater awareness of peace and whatever is you need met.


Anyway, I relate to what you posted. And I wish you all the very best. Even if your feelings don't come around right away with teh truth about your value and your life's achievements etc., you can still choose to give yourself kindness. You should...you deserve it!

Take care April, (I agree with Karen. I like your name.)

manyembers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 12/29/2008 5:52:46 PM (GMT-7)


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/29/2008 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks alot for your post manyembers...It was just the encouragment I needed.
gettingby, thanks for the site link. I will look into it! And thank you both for the compliment on my name even though I can't credit for that one! :)

I pray everyday for peace. My faith has got me through some very trying times and I know I'll get through this a stronger and better person. It's just hard to be patient. I read this scripture to remind myself to trust God!

Romans 12:12
Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.

Thanks again!
April
 
 

 



manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/30/2008 12:15 AM (GMT -7)   
 

  Hi again April,

  I'm glad you are still posting.  Your strength shows in your posts...

  I know circumstances for you aren't comfortable now, but at the same time, don't underestimate the value in suffering, because suffering or hardship can actually be the tool to prepare you for greater things.  :0)  about ten years ago the bottom fell out in my life, and I had to move back to my mothers and drop out of university...health problems and losing just about everything I had built up to that point.  It was the beginning of many difficult years.  But it was those years in the desert that helped me become who I am today and to lay better foundations in my life so I could build a more solid version of myself and my life over time.  

  I'm 37 now and feel like I am really just beginning my life but this time knowing more who I am and what really counts etc.. Stronger, just like you said, so I can withstand the storms that might come this time round when I begin to build my dreams anew.  So just to reiterate what you already know which is that sometimes humbling circumstances are what make us stronger in the end.    The scripture you shared is so good.  That's where I go to get my mind aligned and my soul refreshed.  I really like the psalms.  My husband used to say:  "When in doubt, psalm yourself."  Good advice eh?  :0)  Works for me!  Though there are no pat answers, yet there is always hope and a way through.

  I know you'll find the treasures in the sand as you keep on keeping on - enjoy these gifts in the journey as you hold onto hope and wait for the season to change to where you are on the other side of things.  No matter how long it may take, you can't go wrong holding onto hope.   wink    

    embers


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/30/2008 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
embers-Thanks for your advice.  I had to go to the ER last night due to my Crohn's.  My mom was there the whole time and we joked about me moving back home...little did she know I was much more serious about it.
 
I'm worried about what my family and friends will think of me if I choose to live back with my parents.  I know that my mom would let me move back in a heart beat but is that fair to them?   I don't know what to do! 
 
I truly feel that I need to get healthy for me to enjoy anything that life has offer but I don't know what I need to do that.  I'm going to continue to pray about it.  That's all I can do right now!
 
April
 
 

 



manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/30/2008 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
 
  Hi April,
 
    How are you doing today?  I'm sorry you had to go to ER.  That is never fun.  I hope you are okay now.  I'm glad your mom could go with you.
 
  When I moved back in with my mom, it actually was an amazing experience for me.  I was so broken and needed a lot of help, and it was the first time I ever felt her like a real mother.  She had been abusive growing up, but had gradually mellowed out.  Moving home gave me the gift of having a time in my life when I actually felt close to her.  She didn't understand everything, but she did well at supporting me.  It was my siblings that were, in part, putting ideas in her head and not getting it. 
 
  I know how hard it is when you are hurting and understanding from others is such a balm, and lack of it just makes the difficulties feel even worse.  There are probably a lot of people here on the forums that could share ideas of how to let your friends and family know your situation in a way that might give them a context for understanding.  But do you think that maybe you are the one who is most worried about what they'll think, and that in the end, they may actually understand better than you expect?  Sometimes that can also be the case and we are delightfully surprised by the good reception we get from those we least expected it.  In my case, my mom sure surprised me by how she accepted and reached out to me at that time. 
 
  I think you said it well, that you need to get healthy.  If that's the bottom line for you and moving home for a time will help you with that goal, then maybe gradually bring the idea up to your mom.  Take pride in the fact that moving home would be a pro-active choice for your healing and not a defeating choice.   And especially in these times where the economy is crumbling in so many ways, to draw closer to family is totally understandable.  How's that song go?  "We all need somebody to lean on."  wink
 
  I know you will find the best way to resolve your worries.  I'm glad you will keep praying about it. It's funny in life, sometimes when we feel the most desperate and need an answer, all we can do is just pray and wait and trust and things will work out.   I learned from that time I mentioned above that when heaven seems silent and things around me seem to be closing in, that actually this is when God is working the most, but in hidden or unseen ways.   I'm talking to myself now.  Being in a situation presently that I want to change TODAY and make something happen, yet the thing to do is to be still and wait and let Him work it out.  So hard!  But I have learned that even though He is all powerful and can change things in a flash, yet there is a lot of preparation and step by step movement in how He works things out, and we just need to wait sometimes to see the results of His intervention in a tangible way/realm.  So hang in there till the answers come.  I know you will.  It can't be easy what you are feeling and going through, but I'm glad you have a mom that seems supportive and hope in your heart to help you through.
  Hope you have a kind and gentle day today,  yeah  
 
 
  manyembers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 12/30/2008 1:34:22 PM (GMT-7)


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/30/2008 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Today wasn't too bad Crohn's wise...Thank God for pain meds! :)

I'm just struggling back and forth about what to do about moving out. I'm praying but how do you know when He answers. I don't think I ever experienced that and I don't know what to expect or know when it's Him answering me or me answering me. (That probably makes no sense...LOL)

Thank you SO much manyembers for your support and advice. It's much appreciated! Blessings to you!

April
 
 

 



manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/30/2008 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  Hi April,

  It has been really nice chatting with you.  I have been spending a few days in my bed resting and watching dvds, and coming back on the forums for a few days as I rest up from the holidays and other things going on.  Sharing back and forth with you has been good company.   Thank-you for writing back and forth with me!   :-)

  I'm glad to hear you've found some pain meds. that work.  Sometimes I wish I lived back in the mid 1800's or something before the world got so commercialized etc., but they didn't have any of those kinds of things back then and I like our modern day bathrooms, so that always brings me back to reality.  lol!  Anyway, that is a bit off topic,isn't it?  Just glad you have some help to ease the pain aspect of the crohns.  I just remembered as I was writing that, that I have a friend actually who has a very cool testimony of recovering from crohns.  The first thing she had checked out was for food allergies.  They found several and quitting those foods made a big difference.  There's more to the story, but from there it was pretty much a "God thing" as people sometimes say.  She was so excited the last time we were in touch.  Things were really looking up for her. 

  I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2001 and my present doctor confirmed the diagnosis, though I am not sure if it is actually fibro. or a mix of chronic fatigue syndrome with fibro or what.  I try not to get hung up on the diagnosis though as whatever is going on, I struggle with pain and fatigue but am finding ways to improve.  When I use diet and supplements I can hit a place where I don't struggle too badly with the pain.  THe fatigue is crappy though.  So just to say I know a little about how dealing with a chronic health condition can be.  I keep hoping to keep getting better and better.  At times that is hard, but other times, it's easier to touch hope and to count my blessings right now even though things aren't perfect.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about!

 You asked "How do you know when He answers."  THat is a big question.  :0)  The common denominator is you'll have peace deep inside.  Even if you have worries about how it might go, or you doubt in your mind, yet deep down the peace should still be there.  Also, sometimes He speaks in a way that I have a strong sense of His voice and leading.  Other times He is silent and I know it's a situation where just making the decision with the wisdom and understanding I have is HIs way for me to choose what to do.  Then I just trust myself and take the next step.  At that point, I'll either have a strong sense that the way I am going is right, and events might happen to confirm that, OR I get an uneasiness (or things go 'off') which tells me not to proceed further in that direction.  I have some more specific things I could share about this but out of respect for the nature of this forum, I think it is best to just keep it short and sweet and reassure you to follow your heart!  If your heart is seeking Him, He will find a way to reach you.

   I am on the boards from time to time, depending on my mood and how busy I am, but I check my e-mails daily usually.  So I have put my e-mail addy in my profile in case you want to carry on our conversations that way.  It might be fun to keep in touch and also to encourage one another in the journey of faith and share more about these things.  So feel free to e-mail me if you'd like. Otherwise, I shall try to drop back in soon and from time to time like I usually do.

  Wishing you a pain-free and encouraging evening tonight.

  Blessings to you too!

  manyembers 

 


sadsoul
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/30/2008 9:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi April,

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I have two daughters 25 and 23. While they may not want to move back home, they both know they are always welcome. Everyone likes their independence, but sometimes it makes more sense to move back home until you get back on your feet. Don't worry what other people may think. You need to do what is best for you at the moment. I know I would much rather have my daughter moving back home rather than struggling. I would even bet your Mom would welcome the company.

Best wishes,

Jean

Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 12/31/2008 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Jean- I know my mom and dad really wouldn't care I just feel bad intruding on them in a time that they should be enjoying an empty house.

I really appreciate all the advice and encouragement. You guys are great!

manyembers...Thanks for your email address. I really enjoy talking to you. I will send an email so we can chat more!

April
 
 

 


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