Is this how a depressed spouse acts?

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lespaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 1/7/2009 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello, my wife has lupus and within the last 3 months has been through alot with her new profession as anew grad nurse. After a big disapointment, losing a dream job, she suddenly became distant and quiet to me. We have been happily married for 11 years, she has always been a very loving and affectionate wife. Now she says that she is not sure of our marriage and still loves me me but she is unsure if we really knew each other. She only answers my questions and hardly talks to me like she used to. however she acts "normal to her family and friends. Her sister said that the only place she feels depressed is when she is home or going to conseling. She doesn't think she is depressed, it's because we never really communicated. The counselor thinks she has depression but my wife does't want to take any medication for depression. She is breaking my heart, is this typical of depression or is this probably how she really feels toward me now? 

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/7/2009 12:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Lespaul i`m not sure only a professional can really diagnose depression but it sounds like it .
I know from my own experiences as one who has had major depression for may years i tend to push away those who love me the most but it`s not intentional but it just happens .I vent my anger on the ones closest to me .When i`m out with others i hide my depression even from the medical people no one ever knew anything about it until i hit rock bottom .
Do you attend counselling with your wife .If not it might help but ask her first or seek some counselling for yourself on a way to help and understand her depression a bit more .
Your wife has had a lot go on in those past few months and added to her condition it will talk it`s toll on her mental status .I really cn`t see 11 years go down the drain witout a fight .Hang in there .She does need a lot of support .
Good luck.
Snowflake

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/7/2009 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Heej Lespaul,

I agree with snowflake, it could be so many things, and a professional would be able to give you the best advice. Things that it might be are popping up in my head, but it all will remain a guess, so I find no need to say it here.

Keep showing your love and compassion towards her well-being is always a good thing to do. Show her that you care about her happiness, and are willing to do your very best to improve it. It is easy to get dragged down in that spiral of sadness, or become irritated by it, but everything she is hurting you, please think that it is the depression speaking. Imagine your happiest moments with her.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/7/2009 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lespaul,

I honestly think that it is the depression talking. I don't think that she actually feels that way. Give her some time. Especially where the lupus is concerned. We have a wonderful lupus forum too if you would like to visit it.

Don't give up on your relationship quite yet. Though I feel that she probably could use some medications, she is facing a big thing. Stick by her side as long as you can. And don't be afraid to get some counseling for yourself, you could use the support with all that you are going through.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/7/2009 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Lespaul,

Welcome to Healing Well and the Depression.  I feel like Snowflake does.  I have major depression and my safe place is at home but when I sit here with depression and no motivation I feel angry that this has happened to me.  I love my husband dearly but he has to bear the brunt of my pity parties and deal with me when I am really down.

When we do go out I put on a happy face but that does not always mean I am happy.  I am a great actress and can not let anyone see how bad I feel.  Thus you wive's family thinks she so happy except when home.

Therapy is good for her and her therapist will help her accept her depression and  get through it. 

I am so sorry you have to go through this as I know you are sad too. My prayers for you.

Keep talking to us.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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lespaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 1/7/2009 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
OK, thank you helping me see what she is going through. I hope you are right and this is not really how she feels. My question now is what/how do I proceed?  I have cooked her dinner, taken her out to exhibits, given her flowers, jewelery, a handbag she had been hinting at for a long time, I decorated the house for Christmas while she was at work to surprise her, washed and waxed her car myself, installed a new custom closet system for her shoes and clothes while she was at work, I am trying to be a better communicator and i try to always ask if she needs anything. Please understand, this is not a burden to me I want to make her happy and I want to be the man she needs me to be, but I don't know if I am helping or just making her more depressed. I would do anything to help her be happy and see her smile. But, nothing seems to help and I didn't realize how precious her talking to me and her reassurance was in how i felt about myself. I'm so afraid to do the wrong thing and lose her. Could you give me suggestions of things to do for her? Thank you for your help, I have been to the counselor by myself and she told me to hold back for now and just be there for her. She also said that I need to do things for myself, but my wife is my world.     

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/7/2009 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Lespaul,

Your counselor is right. The best you can do is be there for her. That is what she needs. You are doing all the right things. Don't over do. Keep some energy for yourself. The two of you are actually both healing at the same time, doing what you need to do for yourselves. This will bring you together. It is a gradual process. So dont' give up on her.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lespaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 1/8/2009 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you again for your words of encouragement. I'm feeling down this AM, I called my wife to say hello and asked her if going to a marriage seminar sounded OK to her. That was the wrong thing to do! She stated in a incredulus voice "Are you kidding! We're going to conseling is'nt that enough. She did return my "love you" at the end of the call so I hope i didn't mess up too bad. I just want to know how will I know when she hits the bottom and recognizes that she needs help. Are there signs or do I just have to be prepared to go for the long haul? I will never leave her, I made a promise to her on our wedding day and with the LORD's strength I will hold on. Thank you again for all your kind words. It really has helped me get through this week.  

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/8/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Lespaul,

Unfortunately, I think you will be unable to tell when she hit rock bottom, and it probably will be a long haul. However, I do believe that when she gets out, your relationship will be better and more intimate than ever.

Keep showing your love towards her, and of course towards yourself!
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/8/2009 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Lespaul,

Just don't blame yourself for her reaction. That was all hers. And hers to keep. It wasn't your fault. All you did was make a suggestion. The way she acted is upon her shoulders, not yours.

I hope that things work out well for you. I hope that you have a nice relaxing day.

Keep talking to us.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lespaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 1/8/2009 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again everyone! Snowflake, Erik, Karen and Kitt.... I thank the Lord for you! You have really helped me get a handle on this whole situation. I better put a smile on and get back to work!
Thank You!
Lespaul

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/8/2009 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Awesome idea lespaul, smileys are the cure for everything :-)

Please make sure to check back here whenever you want to, we won't leave

Have a wonderful day!
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 1/8/2009 11:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Lespaul just take each day as it comes and remember it`s not your wife pushing you away it`s her depression and if it is like all of us she does not know she is doing it so it is not fault of yours she reacts like she does .
Remember what the counsillor said do somethings for yourself .Take a nice walk and enjoy mother nature maybe that is something you can do with your wife if she likes that sort of thing .
But you are not going to be any help to your wife if are not looking after yourself .I know it`s so easy to say that rather than do it i.I have and am still there myself .i feel guilty just doing something for myself but now understand i have to feel good also and that applies to you too ,yes your wife is your life as is my hubby mine .It has taken a long time for my family to understand some of what i`m going through and i`m not talking weeks,months but years and many of them .
This is a very slow journey you and your wife are on and small achievements are what we all make there is no quick fix or no miracles .Just plenty of time and tiny steps.
I wish you well .
Snowflake
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