feeling undeserving

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CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 1/8/2009 12:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello, welcome to 2009. a new year right? I am hoping it will be a good one. I am getting married in hawaii in july.. and then trying for a baby...
 
but...
 
I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, or that I deserve this wonderful man in my life. I try to be happy. I try to hide my depression. Why? because I don't want people to worry about me. everyone has so much going on, and I don't want to make it more stressful on them.
 
Yes I smile, and I laugh... but inside sometimes I just feel empty. I feel terribly selfish, even though I worry about what others are feeling or how they are doing. My head knows I am a good person... but my heart doesn't feel it.
 
I was doing really well with not going on the sex chats... And then I was bored and now I am on them again.. I don't cheat on my fiance but i feel as though i have.
 
I hate complaining. I always seem to do it. I feel sorry when I do, because he works so hard to make us money to pay the mortgage and bills, while I sit at home make him dinner, do the cleaning and laundry, and sit on my ass. He is very supportive of me and he says that it doesn't bother him that I don't work. Some days I feel scared to even go out of the house. I want to go out but just feel scared. and when I do I am very shakey and kinda out of it. Like I just woke up from a drug induced sleep.People say get out there get active, it will make you feel better. i don't like being all that active. And it's hard to when I don't have the energy to.
 
thanks for reading once again...

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/8/2009 3:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Cute,

You are worth exactly the same as every other human being on this planet, and I am dead serious. Does not having work make you any "less" human? There is nothing you can do that will make you be worth less than someone else, not even if you think you are only doing wrong all the time. Others don't see you as a failure of any kind, you are the only one who does that. Please realize that. You have a wonderful man, so enjoy that, maybe be grateful. If he thought you are "less" than others, he wouldn't marry you.

A good way to fill that hole in your chest is to built up some love and compassion for the world. At least, that helps me, a lot! Just simple things as helping an old lady to cross the road, or carry something for her, or even have a little chat. You will see people brighten up immediately. And even though it seems you are helping them, they are helping you too. So it is a win-win situation. If you don't like being with other people, you also could do some gardening, or helping animals. Just ask Karen, I believe she knows all about this!

A small note on the sex chats, as you say you participate in them out of boredom. Getting a hobby like the ones described above can help you to fill in the spare time. It might be worth trying.

And 2009 is indeed yet another year, see it as a new start! What happened before, happened before. What will come, that is where your focus must be with, because that is up to you fill in.

All the best Cute, and I hope you can find a big, loving smile soon!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 1/8/2009 3:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I think getting a hobby is a great idea. It would occupy some of your time and might actually lift your mood as well.

I think different people hold different opinions on sex chat... personally I dont think its any different to normal chat tbh so I wouldnt class it as cheating. Have you talked to your partner about this? Perhaps being out in the open would help set your mind free?

Everything happens for a reason so if you are getting married... you must have earned it somehow?!

Congratulations on the wedding and I hope you get your baby soon!!!

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/8/2009 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning CuteNLost
 
You are a good person and I promise you other people have the same problems that you do so no beating yourself up. Are you seeing a therapist?
Here is a tidbit I found and want to post here for you and all of us............it sure has opened my eyes and I can see I have some work to do on my own.  Your in good company here.

Are You Compulsive or Addicted To The Net?

Using the Net is not a problem for Internet users who are on-line less than two hours a week. Heavy users are at risk when they are plugged more than 18 hours a week. There is no official diagnosis for an addiction to the Internet. The proposed disorder is called Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD). There is rather exact criteria proposed but it essentially easy to spot a problem. A compulsive and potentially addicted user is on-line more than 10 hours a day in non-work related activity. Answering the question "Am I addicted?" is based on four questions.

Do you feel better when you are on-line, chatting, or exploring the Net?

Are you or have you been spending more and more time on-line?

Are you on-line when you should being doing something else?

Have you tried to cut back and don't?

You probably have a compulsion if you feel a strong need to get on-line when you should be doing other things in your life. For instance, "Are you forgetting to eat?" Or, "Are you getting up at 3 a.m. in the morning to go to the bathroom and checking your e-mail before you go back to bed?" Checking e-mail at night when no one else is up and for no reason is a compulsion. You may even have early signs of addiction if you feel a need to be on the Internet more and more and feel worse when you stop.

I see myself in this scenario.................

I do hope you seek medical attention and please know we are here and we care.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 
 
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 1/9/2009 4:11 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi and welcome- i was wondering if you are in therapy/counselling, or are medicated at all? also is your fiance aware of the sex chat? i think in my opinion that sex chat is emotionally cheating- as in how would you feel if the roles were reversed? if he was chatting- would it bother you?

i hope you can get some relief from your depression, im sorry its rough right now, but id give an arm and a leg to be marrying a great guy- and in Hawaii! im jealous, lol!

try and focus on the positives in your life. write them down if it helps. know that we are always here and will not judge you- we are here to provide support, advice, encouragement.

 keep us posted!

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD,  IBS, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


CuteNLost
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 1/9/2009 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
Thank you for your responses.
 
I am not in thepy as stated in my prev post so lost.
 
I am on Ceprilex (sp?)
 
I have ghood days and bad days like everyone else.
 
I am very lucky to be with someone who loves me for who I am and the way I am. I have told him about my addiction to the chats. He says we will get through it together. He used to have a **** addiction and we got through it. So we will get through this as well.
 
My head is pounding today. I think it's because we are in for a chinook. ( I live very close to Calgary alberta canada) so the weather changes constantly.
 
I still have issues falling asleep at night. I don't want to keep complaining as I know there are many other people who are worse off than me. So I should be happy that I am alive and have a good family.. right? I am but somedays it takes so much to roll over and get out of bed.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/9/2009 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
CuteNLost

I am glad to hear you and your fiancee are working on your problems together   Honesty is the best and youwill get past this.
Please know you are not the only one that wants to just stay in bed on not so good days but try not to give in to that.........get up and dressed and sit down and journal or come hear to talk to the other members.
 
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 
 
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/10/2009 4:21 AM (GMT -7)   
CuteNLost sounds great that your honest with your hubby and working things toghether good work! everyone has good days and bad days so don't worry too much about it , when your having a bad day try think of something exciting to do, try to fight it by reading a book or getting out of the house maybe do some excersize like aerobics or simply walking. I have problems getting out of bed sometimes too so your not alone there :)

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