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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/10/2009 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
How do you get beyond the past when it is still affecting you in the present?

I try sometimes, but today I am having a really hard time. My family knows that I have back problems, but what they don't know is that my docs told me it is because I got a fractured vertebrae when I was younger that was never treated. Let's just say that it was not due to any accident & leave it at that. I try not to tell them b/c there's nothing that can be done about the past anyways so no reason to make them feel all guilty for either 1) causing it or 2) sweeping it under the rug rather than taking me to the doctor when it first happened.

I get so angry at them sometimes when they tell me that it's not fair to tell them I am depressed about my pain. I think that's really lousy of them. I had to put up with all their garbage for years & now they tell me that I am expected to attend family functions but that I better come prepared with a list of happy topics to discuss. Ohhh, I can think of several choice words I'd like to scream at them instead!!! I'm really mad right now b/c there's an event scheduled for tomorrow & I'm under a lot of pressure to go but I am so furious. It's not fair of ME to tell THEM anything that could possibly make THEM the slightest bit uncomfortable??!!! What about all the discomfort I felt during years of brutal beatings, broken bones & all (this isn't the first by far to be found that either didn't heal or healed crooked) all the while keeping quiet about everything. I am SICK of the silence! In a fit of rage I just want to scream at them that they are entirely to blame for my problems. My mom keeps asking me why the docs can't figure out what caused my back pain. Well, they figured it out some time ago. I've just kept quiet about it.

Oh, I don't know. It probably is a bad idea to tell them. They are horrible people. My sister's the only good one of the bunch & she has the same probs I do. OHHH, so angry! mad

Okay, I'm done with my crazy screaming fit. :) Seriously, has anyone found a good way to deal with something like this? Sometimes I just skip the family functions. Maybe I just need a new phone number & a fresh start. I don't know. It's okay if you all don't have any thoughts, but if you do I will listen well b/c I just want things to get better. I'm not normally so angry like this all the time, just when I'm told I have to play "happy, happy". I really don't like that. I'm not depressed all the time any more; just sometimes things get overwhelming. Maybe I need to plan to disconnect my phone when I get too down about things so they can just leave me alone?

Sorry, hope it's okay to post this. I know you all have enough problems of your own without borrowing my troubles. I just thought maybe someone would know how to handle this better than me.

-frances

PS - I have mice that moved into my house & they are freaking me out so if you could say a prayer that I will catch them all before bedtime b/c I really need to sleep that would be great. Thanks.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/10/2009 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Frances,

If I were you, I would either tell them and get it out in the open.  Or I would disconnect myself from them.  Right now the way that it is you are only torturing yourself.  So I think it is time to make some decisions. 

If you decide to tell them, be ready to experience some denial.  They aren't going to want to face what happened. 

You might want to accept what happened and break ties and start fresh.  Either way you decide, we are behind you.  Go with what feels most comfortable to you at the time. 

And I hope that you catch the mice.  I know it must be unnerving for you right now.  Thinking about things.  I hope that you can settle your mind and get some rest.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/10/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Karen.

I've known about it for a few years. My sister just started having similar problems this past autumn. I just get so mad now that she's getting screwed out of a normal life, too. They just keep saying to leave the past in the past & move forward. Well, moving forward in my case means facing a host of current medical problems that may have been caused by the past but have a very real impact on the present. Broken bones don't get magically cured by "the power of positive thinking". Anyways, my mom denied it forever. Finally, when my brother was brought up on hate crime charges at college she started taking my little sister's & my allegations seriously. She still denies a lot & constantly parrots her favorite line "I didn't know" or her second favorite line "I didn't realize it was so bad". I'm really not sure how all the cuts, welts, bruises & such weren't enough. When I was 20, my podiatrist pointed out all the misshapen bones in my feet to her. The broken bones were from trying keep him out of my room by holding the door closed with my foot & getting it run over so many times that I apparently got a total of 5 hairline fractures and one broken bone that healed crooked. All she had to say was "I am a good mother. Frances exaggerates things. If her feet really would've been broken I would've taken her to the hospital right away. She's always saying I'm a bad mother, but I'm not." For the record, I never even mentioned my mom except to say that she was my ride home. I didn't tell the doc anything. She just said I had several poorly healed fractures & asked what happened. I lied and said I didn't know what could've caused them.

My dad is worthless. I broke ties with him already. He just kept saying "boys will be boys". What kind of father says something like that?!

I got a real nice lady from my church to help me with a lot of my problems in college. She was from my church & it wasn't formal or anything but she was trained in art therapy and helped me with both on-going safety issues and with the flashbacks and stuff. I really liked her b/c she had been abused herself so she didn't say any idiotic canned comments like a lot of other counselors have. I've tried to find someone else like her that I can trust but everyone just gets this morbid fascination with the stupid details and doesn't do anything to help me and often even makes things worse.

I tried a self-help group once for adult survivors of abuse. It was too much at the time, but I'm thinking maybe I will try it again. There aren't any counselors there so sometimes the meetings would get kinda too much plus when I went before I was still having a hard time being anywhere near males, but at least everyone understood all the fear & shame & anger & anxiety and stuff that sometimes come up even years later. I was glad for that. Plus, now I'm not so scared of all guys, just the mean ones and hopefully they won't be really mean in that group. I gotta try something. I think maybe with all the financial troubles & not working & not being able to afford food or medicine & now those horrid little mice just put me in a real vulnerable situation and I felt like I couldn't handle it earlier, but I'm trying to pull it together now and you definitely did help me feel more self-confident.

I am going to sleep on it for tonight & try to get myself together enough to go to church tomorrow so I can pray about what to do with some friends at church. I can't even tell you how much your response meant to me. I was feeling like I was about to go over the edge. I have been working so hard to turn my thoughts around when they start getting real negative, but I just couldn't manage it myself today. I'm so glad to know you will support me in my decision. I am going to think real hard about which way I want to go. I don't think either of them are very good choices since they both have possible downsides, but I think you're right that the secrecy is tearing me apart so I need to move to either the left or the right and get out of the middle.

Thank you so much. I hope you get some rest tonight, too. Hopefully I will wake up to some dead mice come morning. Oh, that would make for a good start to the week. :)

peace,
frances

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/10/2009 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Frances, I agree with Karen that you could talk to them and also break your ties with them.  It sounds like you were badly abused and of course they will deny it but deep down I think they know the truth.  If you want to move on from your past your best bet is to sever the ties with your family.  This may sound harsh but if this is what you need to do to feel better and go on with your life then I think you should do what you are comfortable with. Your mother doesn't sound like she can stand to hear the truth.  But ultimately this is your decision.  I would like you to go on to have a better life.  And if you have good friends in your life just stick by them.  As far as  mice are concerned I have almost always had them creep into my houses.  You can get those traps that they crawl into and then they close up so you never have to see the mice.  Just dispose of the trap. If you want to attract a mouse to a trap just put peanut butter in it. If you live where it is cold like I do the mice come into the house because they want to get warm. They can get thru the tiniest of spaces.  Don't leave the trap anywhere a pet might get at it. Put it under your kitchen sink or basement.  Please post again how you are doing.  We all care about you and only want to see the best things come your way.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

 


fanatic
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/11/2009 12:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances

my thoughts are with you, I am well practised at the happy happy it tends to come naturally now. I havent had a bad childhood by any means but with several things that have happened my mother is the same she wants to leave the past in the past, unfortunately I have trouble trying to do this myself so therefore what are we supposed to do just keep our mouth shut about it, NO!
I have started voicing my opinions lately and man do I feel better for it. I think unless you let your family know or completely disown them you are not going to get over this and it will slowly but surely eat you up. As for the anger have you ever tried a physical sport to let it all out, one of my most favourite things to do when I am angry is chopping wood what a great frustration release every chop.
I wish you luck and happiness in whatever road you choose to take and remember you are never alone if you dont want to be :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/11/2009 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,

I am glad that you are coming to make some decisions. Either way, we stand behind you. I know that this is difficult, but you can get through this. We are here for you and you have our support.

I hope that you killed all of the mice. I think we have one too. So it is time to get out the traps. They are sneaky little buggers, aren't they? And yes they can go through really small spaces.

I remember when I was in my 20's. I lived in a little cabin in the woods. I had a bachlorette party for a friend. We had crackers and cheese for a snack. The next morning all the crackers were gone off of the tray (I didn't put them up). I automatically thougth my dogs did it, but come to find out it was a packrat. A little mouse that took the crackers one at a time to his (her) nest. It must have been a lot of work, because there were a lot of crackers left on that plate.LOL...

But sadly I had to set a trap for that guy too. It was glad to know that he was gone. They can be quite agrivating. But sometimes they can be cute. In a cage maybe, right?

Let us know what you decide to do. And if you can't decide, one day at a time, things like this have a way of working themselves out when they are too overwhelming for us. Have faith that the right things will happen. And remember what comes around goes around, they will be punished in their own way. You wont have to lift a finger for that, it will just happen.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/11/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Frances,

Just stopping by to say Happy Sunday. You have received some very sound advice and support.  The members of HW are all here for you as we are for each other so please stick with us and know we care.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
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Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/11/2009 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I told my mom. Not surprisingly, she denied everything, said it must have been caused by something else. Probably I took up a secret cage fighting hobby or such. eyes

It does feel better that at least it's over. I didn't think I was really stressing about telling them but maybe I was because I do feel relieved. That kinda seals it for me. Other than my sister there just isn't really any point to trying to work at any sort of relationship with the rest of them. They are living in a fantasy world. I've learned I like living in the real world better. So I guess I'm leaving them behind and moving on. I feel like I should feel sad or disappointed or angry or bitter or something, but I don't. It just feels okay to be moving on & not difficult like I had expected. Isn't that strange? I never felt that way before even though I've tried in the past to break ties with them. Maybe all the secrets were somehow keeping me fettered to them.

Thank you so much to everyone who helped. Aurora, you were right that I was thinking I was being too harsh wanting away from them, but you're right that it is for the best. Fanatic, because of my back probs I'm severely limited as far as physical activity but I did spend some extra time cleaning last night/this morning & it did help me feel better emotionally (though I am now in horrible pain physically, but if I had to choose between them, physical pain is more bearable). Karen, again your support was wonderful. I'm still chasing those evil mice. They are crafty creatures & I see them cleverly darting around my traps as they journey through my home -- never fear, I will catch them yet! Kitt, it was a happy Sunday of sorts. You're right about all the great advice everyone had.

Blessings on you all,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/11/2009 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

You just took a huge step. But it is in the right direction. You need to deal with this and then put it all behind you and get on with life. And that you are doing. I truly wish you all the best and know that we are all here for you through any rough patches that you might go through.

Have a good evening. And a wonderful day tomorrow.

Keep posting

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 1/12/2009 12:23 AM (GMT -7)   

You know how people say to leave the past in the past and move on? it makes sense and its a healthy thought process, but try as i may, i come back to dwelling on the injustices of my past- and i cant get over it. i try and try to move on and not look back, but sometimes its just so hard, and its so easy to remember all the sad times, the hurtful times. i know its bad for me but i dont know really how to best deal with it, as my Pdoc is big on bringing up the past and making me dwell and have a pity party etc

Frances i think you did the right thing in telling your mum and i am so sorry you have gone through such brutality- its not fair. but i admire the guts it took to tell you mum and i hope you can keep going strong-

Always, Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD,  IBS, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


fanatic
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/12/2009 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Frances,
Well done to you I take my hat of to you after going through all the torment now you have stood up and spoken. Although it may not have been the response you were hoping for at least now you dont have the tormoil in you eating you up.
I myself also have a bad back and at the start of last year was quite physical and for the first time in my life I had very little trouble with my back, the exercise included walking and biking and swimming is also a very gentle way to exercise, I also love spending time in the garden I find it extremely therapeautic but have to remember not to overdo it thats all.
I wish you all the best I believe that you have an extremely strong personality and to have the guts to speak out is huge, just put all that energy into keeping well and happy.
All the best on your journey through life I send you a smile :)
Fanatic
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