Dear Ne Ne, None of what happened is your fault. There are always some bad feelings when such a sad event occurs but I am not sure how you can get your questions answered. You say you have been married again for 25 yrs. and have daughters. Can you put your energy into caring for and about them? It sounds like you have a very nice family now. Have you tried to write your thougts out? Sometimes if you just sit at your computer, type what ever comes to mind. I know this happened a long time ago but have you considered going to a grief support group? You may even be able to find one online and that could help you write what you are feeling and get some feedback from others who have been in your situation. Things happen in our lives that we may never be able to understand or have the answers to. I think acceptance may be the key to moving on from your pain. The past is gone and that is something that cannot be changed. I think a support group would help you and trying to look forward to the future with hope may bring you out of this. You have 3 daughters who must have events going on in their lives. Any graduations or big birthdays or maybe even weddings to look forward to? Look to the future with the idea that you can put the past behind you and share the joy of all you have with your wonderful family. Please let us know how you are doing. I really care and would like to hear from you again. I will always be here to answer your posts.