My mother was very abusive both physically and emotionally. My sisters got the worst of it. My oldest sister was a handful, probably hdad. My mother used to lock her in a basement closet in the dark for hours. She was never able to sleep unless she had a light on. I got the least the abuse as I became the good child. Always did everything right and got excellent grades. I never gave her a reason to go after me. My father was a very busy surgeon so I don't think he was aware of how bad it was. The thing that hurt me the most was one time my mother was mad at my grandma who lived with us. She came up behind her and slapped her on the back so hard it took her breath away. My poor grandma just sobbed. I still cry to this day thinking about it because my grandma was my saviour growing up and was so good to me. And after my sister died I took my mother into my house and took care of her for 10 yrs. I did it because it meant being able to stay in my house and keep my sons in their same schools. My mother treated me badly even though I cared for her while she was so ill. But it is in the past and that is where it needs to stay.
My defining moment was the day my birth Mother died in a car accident when I was 18 months old. I lived with my Dad and Grandmother until I was 5 years old and my Dad married my stepmother...............from there on my life became difficult but not nearly as bad as many of the members on HW.
I know I cannot live in the past but it does creep up on you when you wonder how things may have been better or maybe not better. I will never know.
Bless each of you.
Karen, I am off to orientation now................Hugs to you for holding down the fort.
I too have been thinking about the good things in my life. Christmas was always wonderful when I was a child. My grandparents lived with us and that was a great comfort. I was lucky in the respect that I had many advantages - nice clothing, a beautiful home on Lake Michigan with our own private beach, very wonderful vacations to Europe and the Caribbean, dinners out at fancy restaurants, college all paid for. So I have to say there were good things in my life. Unfortunately it doesn't take away the pain of being slapped and abused and told I was stupid. Forget that I was a Dean's list student and always had the best grades. I have worked very hard with my therapist on overcoming this past. I do admit that I miss my family very much now that I am older and only have my sons. And of course I no longer have any of those things I had as a child. I struggle very hard to stay afloat with bills just like everyone else. But I am learning to put the past behind and know that I have raised my sons with love and compassion and understanding. And having good friends like all of you here is more important than any material posession. As Erik says acceptance is the key.
Post Edited (Akram) : 1/13/2009 2:57:01 PM (GMT-7)
I had a pleasant, 'normal' childhood. loving family etc. all good. however i got Panic Disorder at 10yrs of age and my very first attack was extremely traumatic. mental illness runs in one side of the family, there is a clear and decisive link, but im the only grandkid that got emotionally ill. the chemical imbalance got just me, and im grateful cos id hate to see my sister or cousins go through what i have been through, if that makes sense. i feel that i was robbed of some of the joy of childhood, as i lived in a constant state of confusion and fear- im no longer bitter about this, but it does make me sad. at the same time, im blessed with an amazing network of people who help me when i struggle. ive also battled alot of grief.
I am so sorry what you went through and I know the things we go through in our early years set our core values. So please look back now and know you had a right to be afraid and feel confused. What happened to you was setting you up for belieiving you were different and something was wrong with you. Now look back and tell yourself that was so wrong, you were normal and the kids around you were in the wrong. You are a good and kind person.
Remember when you start to have sad thoughts about the past to pull your thoughts back to the present as this is the moment you are in right now................it is your moment and live it well.