.........O_O............. It's time for change

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BlueChicken
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 1/15/2009 2:12 AM (GMT -7)   
  So it's been a really long time since I've been on here! My computer crashed and I lost this site =(  Ok, I've been dying to rant on here for a long time, so I'mma do that now.
 
 I wake up in the mornings and I wonder why I even get up anymore. I know I have a job and I need to be there, but sometimes the feelings are just so overwhelmingly bad that I can't get up. I don't miss work very often, and it kills me to miss it at all, but sometimes it's just too hard to find the will to make it.
 
 A couple weeks ago was probably the worst I've ever felt. I didn't take my sleeping pills one night, cuz I was afraid that if I opened the bottle I wouldn't be able to stop myself from taking the whole thing, instead of just the two I needed. I fell asleep at 8 in the morning then. And when I was at work a few days later, I was cutting the potatoes when all of a sudden it hit me that I was holding a really sharp knife. The thoughts that went through my head right then totally freaked me out, but luckily my boss walked back in the kitched at that moment, so I snapped back to reality.  Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I don't want to die, I know that for a fact, and that's really the only thing that matters right now.
 
 We just finished our ballet performance of the Nutcracker about two weeks ago, and I was a complete and total wreck the last night. That was my last Nutcracker ever cuz I'm going off to college next year. I guess I never really understood how important doing that show every year was to me. And it wasn't just like I was crying, it was the full out sobbing and shaking and freaking out. I've only got the upcoming spring show before my dance career comes to an end. I don't want to go professional with my dancing. I'm going to find a small company when I go to college next year, but I'm not going to do any more performances. I've been doing these shows since I was 6 years old, and it's a major part of my life. I dance more than I do school, how weird is that? Everything just kind of hit me on that last Nutcracker night.
 
 I've got a couple good things to report though =) I'm 5 foot 8 inches tall, and last spring I weighed 150lbs. I know that's not too bad for the average person, but for a dancer it's totally different. But I just got weighed last week, and I lost 17lbs! I'm now 133! I'm so happy =) My ballet instructor took me aside a few weeks ago, and she told me that she really wanted me to be Odile in our production of Swan Lake this spring! I just need to buck up and come to every single class from now on and work really hard, but I'm so excited! That would be a great way to end my dancing =)
 
 Okie dokie, it's 1am here and I really need to get to bed and try for some sleep soon. Thanks for letting me rant once again!
 
 ~Blue

Edit:

I took out one sentence but I am sure the members will still understand your post :)

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 1/15/2009 8:21:17 AM (GMT-7)


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 1/15/2009 4:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Blue,

Have you tried some counselling to help with the way you are feeling. I think maybe it would be useful for you to talk through your problems.

Don't worry too much about your reactions at the end of the Nutcraker, I think it's probably a normal response to the changes that will be happening in your life!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/15/2009 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Blue,

Sweetie, you are going to be OK. I would really like to hear that you are in therapy to help you deal with the bad feelings.  I do undertand you sometimes wish you could just sleep away your problems and wake up with the world right side up all the time.

The end of your senior year and your dancing is an emotional loss of something you love so try to remember how awesome you have done and this memory will be with you forever.  Life is always changing and learning to accept what we cannot control which is time......will help you.

Keep positive thoughts in  your mind about what a great life you will have.  Why do you have to give up dancing?  Is there no other dance organization you can join?

Kudos on the positives you posted, that is what you want to do is enjoy each moment of each day.  You are a winner and please know we care and support you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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