I need a shoulder to cry on

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Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/17/2009 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been feeling terrible all day.  My sons treat me so badly.  I feel they have no respect for me.  I am always so good to them.  I also try to detach from them but there is always an issue that comes up.  My younger son was really snotty on the phone with me today and  he was asking me if I would give him some of my frequent flyer miles since I won't be using them. I told him he had to do the calling because he knows the flights he wants and he is the one who has to transfer the miles to his account. He gets mad at me if I repeat myself and don't happen to remember something.  I just can't take them always being mean to me and hurting my feelings. My son says I am too sensitive which of course I am.  He didn't grow up with abuse and being slapped around like I did.No wonder I am sensitive and cry a lot but he doesn't want to hear it. I feel like moving away from here.  There is a wonderful retirement community in Maine and it is affordable for me but then I think I will never see them and it seems so drastic to move so far away. But I just want to escape all of their problems.  But they just keep dumping on me.I never seem to be able to convey to them how much they hurt me.  I know they would be devastated if I wasn't around.  But I am 63 and I need to have a life. I have helped my younger son so much over the past 2 yrs both emotionally and financially.  I don't know what to do anymore.  If I tell him he has hurt me he just gives me the same old "your'e too sensitive." I just feel so bad. I know you all will tell me not to help them but that is not so easy to do. And then they will turn the whole thing around on me and blame me and tell me I don't care about them.  They just don't understand me.
Any advice would be appreciated - even just to say it' OK and I will get through it.
 
Aurora

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/17/2009 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
My mum feels the same as you do , she's not depressed though, but me and my father are. I have disapointed her in so many ways but mainly because I'm unable to keep a job for the past 6 years and my depression causes me sometimes to get angry and say things I should not be saying to my mum. so me and my dad are a big burden on her, she frequently says she wants to find another house and just get out of here and leave me and my dad.

I'm sorry I may not have great advice to you but I want you to know your not alone, and your feelings are normal even for a normal undepressed person he can have this type of feelings.

I hope you will go through this, be patient and try your best. if your sons are 18 or older remember that you have finished your job of raising them, how they act after that is their responsiblilaty and not your fault in any way.


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/17/2009 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm not answering my own post here but I do have to say how disappointed and disillusioned I am that no one has bothered to answer my post or even write a few words of consolation. I am feeling such dispair right now.  I have answered so many of your posts and helped so many of you, I thought I might possibly have someone return the favor.  I am wondering if this is the place for me.  Someone else made a post and got a reply 2 min later.  I am beginnning to think that I am not liked here. If you want me to help you then why can't you help me? 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 1/17/2009 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,

You WILL get through it. I know that. You have to learn to let things run off of your back. They probably don't mean half of what they say. But we can control our reactions. We can chose not to get upset. You tell yourself that you are not going to let these things bother you or hurt you anymore. And you practice that. Eventually it will work for you. I knkow that it sounds hard, but really it isn't. I am not saying that it wont hurt, but you will learn not to let yourself react to it. That is what cbt does for us. It teaches us how to control the way that we react. And eventually the mind goes with it. Then you stop letting it get to you at all.

I hope that this makes sense.
And I hope tht it helps some.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/17/2009 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora, if not enough people have replied it's propably because they are not online at the moment, and the rest could be buesy doing something.. so it's not that they don't care.. I can see your really upset right now and going through a hard time, I really wish there is something I can do , all I can tell you is take things one at a time and maybe you will find it eazier to deal with your issues with your kids, try and prey and ask GOD to help, because he can.. but remember to thank him for what he has also given you, I don't know how old are your kids really, but if they are teen-agers then that's typicall of teen-angers to be out spoken and rude sometimes, yes not all of them but it happens a lot I think, they will hopefully grow up and learn from their mistakes, keep your faith in GOD and he will also take care of you and make things eazier for you hopefully.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 1/17/2009 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,

\With this being the weekend, there are less people on the forum. Sometimes nobody posts on the weekend, so give it until early in the week, I am sure that somebody will answer you besides me and Akram. I wasn't on most of the day till tonight.

You are a wonderful kind person and we all know that. You are special to all of us.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 1/17/2009 11:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,
It's an important question that you asked. Sometimes people (or me at least) can shoot off a quick reply to someone if they don't need any time to think up a good response. I don't think anyone meant to ignore you. I know I didn't. You are very kind & caring to all of us. Try giving it a bit more time so people can log on & go through the posts until they get to yours and then have a chance to think about it. We really do care about you and wish the best for you.

As for your sons, they are entitled to their opinions whether right or wrong. In this case, you say you agree with them about being overly sensitive. I don't think that you should NEVER help them. I just think you need to decide on some limits & stick to them.

Have you laid out ground rules for how you expect them to treat you? If everybody knows the ground rules up front, I really think it would help.
Ahead of time:
1. Be specific &, if possible, put your expectations in writing for them (e.g., "if you want to borrow something of mine and I agree to lend it, you will need to do the legwork to get it").
2. Tell them what the consequences are for breaking one of your rules (e.g., "if you start to tell me about your personal problems, I will hang up the phone and not take any calls from you for the rest of that day.").
Make sure the consequences are ones you can live with. Unenforced rules are worse than no rules at all. One key benefit is that you don't have to get into arguing emotions when they are doing something that you have said is unacceptable.

When they break a rule:
1. Just state the rule & consequence (e.g., "one of my expectations is that you don't call to talk about personal problems, but you did that today. because of that I am hanging up the phone & will not be taking your calls for the remainder of the day. please take care of yourself. i love you, son. good-bye.") and,
2. then enforce the consequence (e.g., hang up the phone and don't call back/take his calls for the rest of that day). It really does help keep the emotionality from going so high that it ruins the day.
3. Don't hold it against them going forward. They already heard the rule & consequence. Go forward with your relationship. If they break the rule again, follow the same steps unless it really becomes routine for them to break the same rule, in which case you may need to step up the related consequence (e.g., don't take phone calls for a week when they break the rule).

I know it's not always easy at first to be so open with people about your expectations of them. There is this false assumption that everyone should just know how to behave or that we don't have any right to expect people to treat us well. The reality is that we teach others how to treat us. You are too valuable to continue being miserable. Please consider whether this is something you can do. Perhaps your counselor can help you with it.

I'm sure things will work out okay & you will get through this. It sounds like you really care about your sons & would do anything to help them out. Once they learn how to follow your example and show the same care & compassion back to you and others, I'm sure things will be much happier for everyone.

Also, I think Karen had some really great advice about practicing not letting what people say get to you so much. There is a lot to be said for that. I'm always trying to work on that myself. It is so hard to do but really makes life much more enjoyable when our happiness is not tied to what others think, say or do.

hugs & prayers,
frances

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/17/2009 11:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Aurora,

I had two tough days on the A & P Board and was not ignoring you.  I am very sensitive too and I let some words on the A & P board bring me down a bit tonight so here I am at almost 1:00 AM in the morning trying to catch up.

I am sorry your son is insensitive to your needs but I have found out the hard way that in order to be happy I have to take care of me and quit worrying about my kids really caring what is going on with me.  They are so social and busy that if I am lucky I will get a cell phone call from my daughter while she is driving to an event and she want me to do something for her.

I went out and got a job, casual, to keep myself from feeling alone and useless.  My kids are fine without me, my hubby is busy all the time and I have no "girlfriends" to hang out with or go to lunch with.  Would I move to a retirement community.................heck yes in a New York minute and I would make sure it had a big great room so if my kids did want to come and visit I would have the room.

So sweetie, you take the bull by the horns and do what you feel will make you happy.  You have been lonely to long.

Again I am so sorry I just got to this now, forgive me.

Luvs ya

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 1/18/2009 5:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Aurora,

I think you need to start making yourself happy. I am like you & oversensitive about things, I am not sure if we can change that about ourselves! But I think & what I am trying to do is to stop depending on others for my happiness & take matters in to my own hands.

sorry to not be much help!!

Li
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/18/2009 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I have read the above posts and agree with a lot of what was said. I'm speaking as a child and not as a parent, so the reason I didn't reply right away is because I feel like whatever I have to say won't matter as much as if it had come from a parent. Maybe (and this is just a theory, but hear me out) your son feels guilty. If you've helped him out financially before, maybe he's embarassed that he's not completely independent yet. Maybe he's scared because he doesn't know what he would do if you moved away or weren't there to help him. I'm way too old to be thinking it all the time but I'm away at school and think (or say) to myself "I WANT MY MOMMY!" way more than I should. Am I always super nice to my mom? No. And I know it's because I don't want her to know that I still need her. I have an older sister who has (despite coming home for short periods) managed to get a job and move to a big city whereas I keep taking time off from school, avoiding getting a real job, etc. I want my parents' help but feel I am too old to ask or it, so it manifests itself in anger. Maybe this is what is happening in your house, too. I would sit down with your son (either in person or on the phone) and express your concerns. How much are you willing to help him financially? How much of this is really about him needing to grow up (no matter how much it might suck)? You should let him know how you feel and give him some reasonable expectations. e.g. "I am your mother and I will help you financially, but you should also think about x, y and z...." or... I don't know. But in a way this is the conversation I as the child want my parents to initiate with me. The fact that if I want it to happen I'm going to have to be the one to start it is another reason I get angry, so ... try it. See what happens.

Best of luck,
P

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/18/2009 2:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Heej Aurora,

As a son myself, I can tell you a mother is a different specie than the rest of mankind. A mom is someone who is always there for you, who is always helping, showing love, just because... well... because it IS that way. We sons don't realize that a mom is a human being too. Of course, I am not justifying any of their actions, I just want you to realize that even if they tend to behave badly and not respect you and your emotions, they still can love you.

All the very best Aurora!!
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)

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