Feeling guilty for being depressed

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/18/2009 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm at my wits' end. I used to be a morning person and now can't wake up before 10 even if I try and have trouble getting out of bed (I'm using laptop as we speak) even if there's things I have to do. I'm in college, and clearly this can't work. I took an entire year off from school ('06-'07) where I did nothing but sit on my parents' couch and cry. The one stipulation was that I go to counseling and I did - but it didn't help. I feel so guilty for putting my parents through this. They're paying so much money for me to be at school and I've said to them (and myself) "I can't commit to a major; nothing interests me". Even when I say it I realize how selfish that is and how much I must be hurting them when I say it, but it's true. I can't. I have no desire to work. I auditioned for the school play as a last ditch effort to make friends and be social, but don't know what I would do if I actually got a part. Hopefully I won't. I have a loving, caring boyfriend but he's graduating (whereas I took a year off and won't graduate until next year) and I'm assuming planning that we'll just break up. I realize this isn't the end of the world. It just sucks to think about it.

I never go out and party. I sit in my room and think "oh, I can do homework" and then of course never get anything done because I'm too busy crying. I worked at University Health Services last summer and would feel very embarassed going back there, to the same people I met in a professional environment and saying "oh, hi. I'm depressed. HELP!" because there are no other job prospects for this coming summer and I might have to beg them to hire me again. Is that stupid? I don't know. I just want the pain to go away. I have a loving family, but they never talk about how I was depressed. I don't want to tell them that it never really went away and that I can't function because they won't listen. They'll just tell me to suck it up because I'm old and need to graduate. I think a lot of people think that I am just a coward. I can't grow up and need my parents' to do everything for me, ergo school is scary. But I don't agree ! I am really depressed, incapacitated and find a lot in common with these other threads. I've made feeble attempts to find help, but nothing has worked. Not even the meds. I'll go through periods of time (months at a time, sometimes) where I'm perfectly happy, functional, etc. and then periods of time where, like now, I'm completely useless. I'll know I have to be somewhere at a certain time but I can't make myself get up and go. I've already missed classes, appointments, etc. and this is totally inexcusable. I'm not proud of the fact that I sit in my room and cry. I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I think everything would be better if I wasn't around anymore.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/18/2009 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Bluemoon,
 
Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  We are a peer group support that are here to help each other, support each other and our goal is to help you get well.
You posted "Sometimes I think everything would be better if I wasn't around anymore."  Now just how would that make things better?  It would break you parent's heart for one thing.  
IMHO you need to start working on getting better and get off the couch.
So lets get you off the couch and working on a different couch.
There is a new FREE online self help you can work on from home on your computer.
 
Please give it a try and remember how hard you work on the program will influence the outcome.
 
 
e-couch provides evidence-based information about emotional problems (including depression and anxiety disorders) and teaches strategies that may help you to prevent problems and understand yourself better.
Please do give it a try.  It is a great tool.
 
Also do see a therpaist and are you on any medications.
Exercise is another good way to get off that couch.
 
Stick with us and we will help you as best as we can.
 
Kitt
 
 
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/18/2009 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   
no doc and no meds currently...

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/18/2009 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   

I think that should be number one for you sweetie, please talk to Mom and Dad about getting you some medical treatment.

It really will help you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 1/18/2009 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bluemoon,

I think that Kitt has given you some very good advice. Remember that the depression is not your fault. So don't blame yourself for it.

But you need to work on some things to get better. Kitt gave you a very good website that I think you should check out. Also I think that you need to get back on medications to help you. Let your parents know how you feel. Otherwise they are going to think that you are just lazy and I know that you are not.

Keep trying, don't give up. Depression is hard, but if you try a little, one day at a time, you will get better. And remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 1/18/2009 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Heej Bluemoon,

Kitt gave you a link to the moodgym website, which is a very good start. You obviously want to get rid of the depression, and that is a very good thing. I am sure working on the program on that website will benefit you.

And bluemoon, never say you don't help. A simple message to someone will help, and if you believe it or not, you are helping me right now. You are helping me by giving me the opportunity to think about your situation, try to feel how you feel, and by that helping myself to understand and be compassionate. You are perfect the way you are, the only one who doesn't agree is you.

And hé, we all feel down sometime. Especially on those moments it is important to reward ourselves for what we can do. Even a simple things as getting out of bed it worth a pad on the back, rather than to think "I feel worthless for having so much trouble doing this". And if you can't pad on your own back, we can.

Take care, and all the very best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/21/2009 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
That's my point. The meds didn't help the first time around, so no one thinks I'm depressed. Had I been depressed, surely SOMETHING would have worked. I feel like I'm a drain of resources on my parents. They're sick of bailing me out, ergo I can't ask them to help me with this. Plus, isn't that really self-centered ? cry

*elmo*
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 1/21/2009 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey BlueMoon,you didnt choose to be depressed no one does and to be honest i think its practically impossible for anyone no matter how close they are to fully understand what we are going through. i found HW around october last year and it has help me so much. I pretty much spend all day reading the various threads whilst im at work and everyone is so kind and will definately make you feel tons happier. With regards to what you said about maybe it'd be best if you werent around, i can safely say that it'd 100% not be. In one of my depression books it said to sit in a quiet place like your bedroom and close your eyes picturing the reaction the people closest to you would be have to finding you. They'd be devestated beyond all believe. I pictured my mom being paralysed with grief, and that spurs me on to trying by best to claw my way out of my depression. Like the say goes Rome wasnt built in a day, take each day as it comes.I thinks that you've been very brave to open up here it takes real guts to do this. I know what you mean about meds not working, and then us second guessing what people were thinking that we're justing making up being depressed. Everybody is different hun, but with determination there will be something that helps you. The good thing about the mood gyms is that you can do as little or as much as you want to do when you want to so it doesnt have to be completed all at once!!take it easy :-) xx

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 1/21/2009 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Of course it's not self centered to ask your parent's for help especially if it has to do with being depressed.....If the meds didn't work the first time, that doesn't mean anything...It can take a while to find the right medication that will work for you....I know that when I first got help it didn't really work out and sadly I waited a year and half to do it again....But this time around I'm getting the help and treatment I really need! Just don't let your experience with whatever med you were on deter you from getting help....Sometimes you just have to try try again....Take care

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/21/2009 11:14 PM (GMT -7)   
what wishdeamhope is saying is really true, you don't usually find the right medication the first time around, and it may take more than one medication before you find one that suits you or works for you, don't give up , do you want to stay misrable and depressed or do you want to fight this? I suggest excersize such as aerobics too, it can lift you up :)


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 1/22/2009 2:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Dont EVER blame yourself for your depression. you did not choose this. you just have to fight it one day at a time, sometimes, one STEP at a time. you are worthy. you are valuable. you are special and unique.

 

stick with us, keep us posted,

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD,  IBS, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium. Phenergan.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/23/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I keep calling my doctor and leaving messages. I say "call me back on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays" and he doesn't and leaves messages when I can't pick up the phone. I'm at the point where I don't have enough motivation to call him back, because we're playing phone tag. I can't help feeling like it's a sign. At the same time, my guilt has gone haywire. I go to school in the same town where I grew up. My older sister is betweeen jobs but moving back to NYC in a week. I haven't spent time with her because I've been too busy moping around my room feeling sorry for myself. So many things to do, and I can't even make myself do the most basic ones (e.g. shower)

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 1/23/2009 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand how frustrating it is to deal with Dr offices sometimes....And if somewhere deep down inside you wants something to happen, you need to try and find the strength to call....Maybe you can find someone else willing to be flexible with you.....Or just keep trying to get a hold of your current Dr....I hope that you are able to get connected with your Dr soon....Once you do it's your first step closer to feeling better.....Take care!

mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 1/26/2009 12:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I just want to say that you should not feel guilty for being depressed. Its not like we want to be that way.Most of us would love to be O.K. You have to keep telling yourself that it is not your falt but on the other hand since you admit that you are depressed you need to get help.It will not get better by its self.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Surgery to fuse L3 and L4 vertabra Dec. 31,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

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