son depressed after break up, how do I help him

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cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/22/2009 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello everyone, I'm new to this, but I am feeling so depressed for my son. He is 22 years old, great kid, and he is going through a major break up. They have been together for 2 years, had wonderful plans together, his whole life was invested with her. Now she is saying that she isn't sure she is still in love with him. That is what is hurting him so much. They were so happy, never so much of had a disaggreement. He always put her first,and now i'm thinking maybe he just got to boring for her, she needs drama, I don't know, but it seems alot of girls like the bad boy. This is his second big break up, his relationship before was in high school and again it lasted about 2 years, he said its like the same thing happening all over again, he doesn't understand, he says he could understand if he was a jerk, but he isn't that way at all. He has tons of friends, and they are there for him, so that helps, but it is killing me watching him go thru this. I can't sleep, cant eat, I have always felt so strongly when my kids are hurting. I guess I was just hoping any of you could help me, help him, wondering if you had any good advice to help him thru this. He isn't suicidal or anything, I hope, but he is wondering what is wrong with him. thanks

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 1/22/2009 3:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Cathlynn,

I'm 26 & I guess I am in a similar situation as ur son, my relationship is ending ( i think) and I guess I thought this was it yano, forever! But now I feel like everything I was counting on, the future I had planned is not gonna happen. I think thats the hardest part, that life can change in a minute!

I think the best thing you can do is probably to leave him too it, but let him know that your there if he does need to talk to you or anything else. I say leave him alone because thats what I need right now I guess! I'm finding it hard to get the energy together tp even speak with anyone.

Another good thing is to get out & do things, take his mind of things. i find that is the best thing to do!

Don't know if this helps!

Li
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35083
   Posted 1/22/2009 4:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cathlynn,

Welcome to the depression forum.

I think that Li has a point. You have to let him experience this for himself, but you could plan to do some things together to get his mind off of it. He is still young and will bounce back. This is his experience and he has to learn to deal with it. He will probably be over it before you know it.

I know that it is hard watching somebody when they are hurting. But that is about all you can do. You can't fix it. But you can be there to suppport him.

Best wishes for a lovely day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/22/2009 4:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry to hear what your son is going through, but maybe it's for the best, if things aren't working well between them now, its good that they haven't gone deeper in their relationship, since it doesn't seem to be meant to be, he now needs to get over it which will require some time but it should be ok in the end, he will surly find his match , god bless you and your son :)


cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/22/2009 4:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Li, its nice to get a perspective of someone going thru this. He has said the same things as you. His whole idea of the future has vanished, all of their plans, gone. My son isn't real talkative, keeps alot inside. This just happened yesterday, so it all pretty raw. He can't keep still, he comes home, then he's off again. He has been seeing alot of his friends, they are pretty supportive. You think I should carry on as usual, give him space, is that the way you feel. I can tell he wants to talk, but I don't know what to say. He is holding out hope that she will come back. I wonder if I should be supportive with that view. I'm just hoping he doesn't go back to the distructive behavior, drinking, like he did with his first break up, now he hardly drinks at all, he's been so happy.
Thanks Karen, you all make alot of sense, I will always be here for him, its just tearing me up inside watching him go thru this. I have never gone thru this, I married my first love, and he sees how happy we have always been, and can't understand how you can invest 2 years of memories and just walk away. thanks everyone, Cathy

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 1/22/2009 5:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Its not necessarily space he needs, it's just I personally find that I don't really want to talk about it, so it's nice just to sit with my Mum & watch TV or chat about something completely different, it's just that sumtimes my Mum pushes me to talk about how I'm feeling & stuff & I don't really feel like doing that yet & your son might not either - as in it's better to do it in our own time if you know what I mean.  I guess just be there for him to spend time with & supportive, I don't know if you should encourage the idea that she mite get back with him because he mite get his hopes up. But then he mite get mad if you disagree!!  Bit of a no win there!!
 
I think its good that his friends are supportive.  Mine are too & thats really good, sometimes its just easier to talk with friends than family I guess.  I think it's hard to talk to your Mum about thesethings because you don't want them to know how much you are hurting! You don't want to upset them.
 
Maybe just do little things like cook him his favourite meal or something like that
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/22/2009 6:25 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Cathylyn,  I had a similar problem with my son about 1 1/2 yrs ago.  He is older, 29, and he and his girlfriend eventually worked out their differrences.  They went to counseling together and that really helped and they are now getting married.  But what I want to say is that my son went through a period of months when he was just heartbroken.  He could barely work, he didn't want to stay in his apt. so he slept at my house.  He wanted a lot of comfort from me and that is what I did.  I just let him pour his heart out to me and listened and gave advice when I could.  I let him cry on my shoulder which he did plenty of.  I told him that time was the best healer. Time is the best healer for all things. And you just have to wait it out and let the weeks go by.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son.  I imagine he is a very nice and considerate young man. You just need to be there for him whenever he needs you.  If he doesn't want to talk then let him be.  It is good that he has a lot of friends that can help him.  He may feel more comfortable talking about this with his friends.  One other thing I did was I found a book on losing a relationship and how to survive the loss of a breakup. I don't remember the name but if you were to go to a book store or go on amazon you might find one. And this book did help my son in understanding how things can go wrong in a relationship.  You say this is the 2nd breakup for your son but keep in mind he is only 22.  And I know that nice guys do not finish last.  If this girl is a drama queen he may very well be better off without her.  I know right now that is not how it feels to him but if they are not meant to be together then he will be better off in the long run.  The reason my son had problems with his relationship is that his girlfriend went away to school in another state to get a masters degree and she was meeting a lot of new people and new guys and I guess she was just taken up in the idea that there were other people to meet.  She eventually realized that she had invested several years in their relationship and my son truly had the qualities she was looking for in a partner.  I am only telling you this to let you know that there will be other girls coming along in his life and he will find the right girl for him.  And don't forget he is still young and has a lot of time to meet others.  Just make sure he keeps busy, maybe join a new group or sport. If this girl doesn't want to talk to your son then he should stay away from her for his own benefit.  He does not need someone who plays games with him.  I wish both of you the very best - I know how your heart aches for him but I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Please post again and let us know how things are going.  I will be glad to answer you anytime.  Take care of you both!

Many hugs,

Aurora

Aurora


cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/22/2009 7:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow, everyone thanks so much, you are helping so much. This is what he needs to be doing. It really helps to talk with people, to get a different perspective on things, to hear what helped in your own situations. Keep the advice coming, I look forward to each post. Aurora, it must have been so tough for you too, I'm so glad it all worked out in the end, and maybe that is what happens with my son. They are young, and she is probably thinking the same thing, I want to test the waters out there. My son is a content boy, when he found someone that is it, he's faithful and giving. He said I would never think about another girl when I am with someone. He doesn't feel like he is missing out on anything. His first love was devistating to him, I wanted them to get back together so bad for him, but in the end she would have been so controling, spoiled, and a regular pain in the a** and he knows that now, but his latest girlfriend was so much nicer, he is wondering what is wrong with him. so sad, because he is wonderful. thanks Cathy

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/22/2009 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   

Cathy, just wanted to add that the qualities that your son posesses are the most important to have in a successful relationship.  Kindness, consideration and loyalty all work to make a good relationship.  Yes, he is sad because he is such a good person.  That is what my son would always say to me that he was so considerate and doing so much for others.  All this will pay off for him in the long run.  He has time and he will find the one who appreciates him for his true self. Give him a hug from me, just don't tell him - he might think i'm a little nutty.

Aurora


cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/22/2009 11:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Aurora,you are awesome. Thanks so much for you kind words. I'm sitting at my sisters campsite, I came for a visit, but at the same time I am worrying, wishing I was home to see if he needs me. But he is with his friends, that is what he needs right now. We are so close, he told me to go, so I will have to try and enjoy myself. Why does life have to be so hard.
I am so thankful that I have got to chat with all of you, hugs to you too.

ad1
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 1/23/2009 2:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I wish my mum was this worried about me after my break up! I think she was glad it was over..

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/23/2009 9:47 AM (GMT -6)   

ad1

I have a feeling your Mom was worried about you during your relationship as she may have seen the break up coming and was fearful of your getting hurt.

As a Mom of 4 I have had to watch my children go through this painful experience and each one reacted differently. As a Mom..........just being there and letting my child know that they were loved unconditionally by their Mom and nothing was ever so bad that they could not tell me............I would never turn against them.

My oldest is going through tough times in his marriage and they have 3 children,  I am worried sick about what may happen but in reality I can not live his life for him or control anything between him and his wife.  All I can do is be here and he is living on the west coast so telephone calls is the best I can do to show him I care. I cry for him but when I am talking to him I stay in the open minded zone.

Hugs to all

Kitt 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/23/2009 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Ad1, how did you get thru your breakup, or are you. My son is so restless, he hasn't slept at home yet, he stays at friends, but is fearful that they are getting tired of him. He is very quiet, sighing, restless, he has too many memories at home with her. She is kind of keeping him hanging on, saying she needs to have time to think. I feel like someone has been giving her attention and wants to see where it will go, and wants to keep my son on the line, just in case it doesn't work out, and of course he will go back to her. Was your relationship bad, or did your mom just disapprove, so sorry you didn't feel support from her, I can't stand to see my kids hurting. hugs to you, thanks for writing.
Kitt, sorry to hear about your son too, especially in a marriage with kids involved, that is really tough. I know you wish you could be near him, it must be hard when you're so far away. But it sounds like you putting up a brave face is what is needed. I'm trying to do that too, try not to cry in front of him, its hard though. thanks

ad1
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 1/23/2009 4:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I still am cathylynn, we broke up in November. I've suffered with depression/anxiety since i was 13.. I'm 20 now and she was the first real friend/gf I had had since that age and I got pretty attached. It's good that your son is staying with friends, I spend most of my time alone and the majority of the time I just wish i had someone I could talk to.. my ex contacted me yesterday for the first time since the start of December and it upset me quite a bit and I think I made a bit of a fool of myself.. anyway, it's tough but we've all just gotta get through it! Our relationship was perfect it was just she had a one year old son, I don't think my mum approved of that and actually she didnt tell a single person I had a girlfriend, nobody knew! Only my family really, she seemed happy when it was over!

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/23/2009 5:24 PM (GMT -6)   
ad1, that is how my son feels too, he can't stay still, wants someone to talk to. But he feels like they are getting tired of it, its hard for them to see him that way. He had his first real love when he was a sophmore in high school, it lasted 2 years too. It was so hard on him, and I didn't think he would get thru that break up. But then he found this girl and he was happy again. So hopefully he will realize that there are other girls out there, and I hope you will too. Is there any chance for your relationship? I know my son is holding out hope, so I don't want to discourage that, I just don't want it to prolong the pain. Don't worry about making a fool of yourself, we all do it. He certainly did too, begging and pleading, it just that your emotions are so raw.
Its so nice to talk to you, gives me a guys perspective, and if you feel like chatting I'll be here. thanks Cathy

ad1
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 1/23/2009 6:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I did the begging/pleading too at first but it only made things worse, I think it's best he realises it's over sooner rather than later, if it is really over that is. Still doesn't really make it any easier though. No there's pretty much no chance.. I kept trying to talk to her after we broke up but I just got the feeling she didn't wanna talk, I haven't actually spoken to her over the phone or in person since it happened, she wouldn't take my calls so it's only been either by text or online..

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/23/2009 6:29 PM (GMT -6)   
ad1, i'm so sorry its over. Have you tried putting yourself out there with girls. Or are you still just too attached to her. I feel like you're right about getting it over soon than later, and with her kind of holding on, its giving him hope, when really I don't think there is any. His first break up was so hard because after she broke up with him, she didn't want him to have any girlfriends so she would cause trouble, so he quit trying. Then all of his friends tried to date her, it made him so mad and sick. So i'm sure its going to be so hard for him to see her around with other guys, we live in a pretty small town, so everyone know each other. He isn't even thinking about girls, he's a loyal person, and he wants to give her every chance to come back. bye for now, Cathy

ad1
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 1/23/2009 7:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Well since I left school I haven't really had any friends and she was my first girlfriend since about the age of 13 I think and she was my first serious girlfriend. We actually went out back when we were about 12 and we only got back in contact through facebook so it was perfect for me really so not much chance of me meeting other girls in my current state really. She lives over 30 mins away so I don't think I'll see her again

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 1/24/2009 2:21 AM (GMT -6)   
ad1, I know it will take time, when you're ready. Don't rush it, the drama isn't worth it. Hopefully you will feel like it soon. I hate to think of you alone, hopefully you can start getting involved with something, finding your passion and then you can meet some people. My son is really into music, he's a drummer in a band, and he loves it, doesn't feel much like playing lately, but I'm hoping he will soon. He works at staples, and its been really hard. He can't wait to go to work, but when he gets there, he can't wait to leave. He looks pretty pitiful, I hope he can come out of this soon.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 1/24/2009 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   

ad1, I have read your posts and just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru such a hard time. A breakup is never easy at any age.  If your gf is not near you and you won't see her then you will be able to go on a bit easier.  If you read my post above my son went thru a similar time as you and Cathy's son.  It had a different outcome but for months we were trying to hold him together and give him all the support we could and that really helped.  I will tell you what I told Cathy and that is time is the healer of all wounds.  You just have to let the weeks go by and you will find that you are starting to feel better.  You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  You sound like a very nice and considerate young man and the right person will come along.  And it usually happens when you are least expecting it. Right now is porbably not a good time to be looking for a new relationship.  You need time to get over this.  And I would block her from contacting you.  If you feel this relationship is not good for you and is over it is best to leave it behind you.  Can you talk to your family or friends for support?  I'm sure your mother cares very much but maybe she doesn't know how to approach you.  Maybe if you started a conversation with her that would help.  Are you in school or are you working?  If you play sports or have a hobby or some interest that can occupy you that will help.  Please know that you can always come here and get support from the many members.  I am thinking about you and hoping you will feel better soon.  And don't hesitate to post me as I will always be glad to help you and talk to your.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


sunshineno1
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/19/2009 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone although my worries are simular they have a twist.  My daughter started dating her best friend and were together as a couple for almost a year.  They have shared so much together and were so in love.  We love this lad like our own, he is the most caring, loyal and beautiful person.  Over the last couple off months my daughter seemed to be losing interest in her boyfriend and treat him wrong.  It broke our heart to watch him trying to salage their relationship and finally she ended it 3 days ago. He is devastated and it is so hard to watch him suffer.  He lost his mum when he was small she just up and left and he has a terrible relationship with his dad.  He said that our daughter was his soul mate who he cant live without he has lost her as a love and as a friend. and feels he has no one. He has stopped eating sleeping and is grasping on to any hope they will get together.  People tell me I should cut ties but I cant he has no one to talk too, I spend hours on line to him desperatly trying to comfort him, and I find myself in tears as we miss him so much..... Please help sad     

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 2/19/2009 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Sunshineno1
I'm so sorry to hear about your Daughter and boyfriend. I know he is devistated, my son was too, couldn't understand how you could share so much with someone and they could just walk away. We have had ups and downs since the break up, he found out a few days ago that she is dating a friend of his, so that was a bad day, but then today he informs me that he has a date with a girl and seems happy. I worried myself sick, and in the end they do move on. I'm so happy that he has you, does he have alot of friends to keep busy, encourage that, its so sad he doesn't have family to lean on, that is why you are so important to him. I know what you mean, its not just them breaking up, you had time invested with this boy too, just like I did with my sons girlfriend, its sad to see it all end, because you become close, we had 2 years invested, she was  like part of the family. I just keep thinking it wasn't meant to be. They are so young, she wasn't ready to settle down, and maybe that is what your daughter is going thru too, maybe in the future she will see what a great guy he is.
I don't think I would give him false hope.. but you could encourage him to meet new people, and to go on with his life with dignity and respect. A strong person is so much more enticing than someone who you pity. Just be understanding, there are alot of books out there dealing with this subject, maybe you could get him one as a gift, on amazon there are several books and people have rated them and say they have really helped. I sure hope he finds his way, I think if you abandoned him that would just be too much, and I think in time he will slowly pull away.

eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/19/2009 8:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Cathy I dont know if im up to parr at giving advice on this forum, but your son sounds a little like me, always making people around him happy befor himself. Im sufferinh from a break up as you read this, though im not diagnosed with depression, but my ex-GF is. Its a long story. But do know that close friends do help to calm thyself down, and that the parents cant exactly understand everything because of generation, having a shoulder to lean on is a Great help. In my current situation with my break up, I came here cause I didnt have no one close to turn to, and in turn as you see you got alot of helping suggestions. This may sound a bit silly, but I read a book by Gary Chapman... Titled "THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES" its focus is on marriage but the book makes alot of sense...at least to me...It gives alot of insight about critical aspects in a relationship....

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 2/20/2009 12:44 AM (GMT -6)   
I think this is a great place to come talk out a situation, even if you do have alot of friends to talk to, they get tired of it after a while, so its nice to have friends here to talk to. Thanks for the book advice, I think it wonderful to read all that you can, and hopefully it will help the healing process. Sounds like a good book.
My son is a great kid and i'm sure you are too. Hopefully you guys can stay wonderful, I worry that this will change my son, make him not trust, think he's too nice, but hopefully you guys will find girls that will appreciate that.

sunshineno1
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/20/2009 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you cathylynn so much for your kind and encouraging words they do help a great deal. I was begining to think I was strange fr being so sad about their breakup but I suppose we have lost someone who is like a son. I am pleased you feel that I should still be there for him as people were telling me to cut ties but my instinct told me to stand by him, I appreciate your honesty. I cant imagine what it must be like if this happened to my own son, it must be so painful. But even worse if he had no mum to turn to, your son has the most genuine and loyal support. I have been honest with my daughter by telling her that I am supporting her ex as I feel to keep it from her would be disloyal and I have made sure she also has lots of love and comfort. I have advised her ex togive her space and not to chase her or seem desperate a this will only push her away, she needs time to think about what she is doing is right. He has been so mature telling her that if letting her go makes her more happy then he will stand back even though he loves her dearly. Hopefully this experience will have a positive affect on our boys and make them stronger. Thank you again Sunshineno1
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