son depressed after break up, how do I help him

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cathylynn
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Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 2/20/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Sunshineno1, reading your letter makes me want to cry. I sure feel for this boy, makes me wonder what she said happened to their relationship, did she just fall out of love with him, or was another boy involved. I know that is what happened with my son, they were so happy a couple of months ago, she wouldn't leave him alone, together all the time. She spent Christmas with us, everything seemed great. I know some boy was showing her attention and she decided she was just too young to settle down. My son didn't want to know, he didn't ask too many questions, he didn't want to be hurt anymore than he was,he has alot of pride. Sounds like the boy is starting to accept that the relationship is over, that was so great what he said, she will remember that, and maybe in the future she will want to try again. You are so right about the boy giving her space and not seeming pathetic, he needs to get involved in as many things as he can, someone that is confident is so much more attractive, if not for your daughter, for some other girl. My son has his music, he plays guitar and drums and is in a band so he has that to really help. After the break up he wouldn't even play his music, wouldn't eat, or sleep, so its so wonderful to see him doing those things and he even went out with a girl last night, haven't heard how it went yet, but hopefully it was good. Keep up the good work, sounds like you are giving him great advice, and he is so lucky to have you. I'm so glad that your daughter has you too, its probably hard for her too, and you're right, our kids are so lucky to parents that care so much, and they know that.

Lisa13
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/2/2009 12:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I know everyone has probably said all that can be said about this topic, but I need some support. My son is a sophomore in college and his girlfriend of four years broke up with him today. They have been together since high school and although they both dated a little before, this was obviously their only serious relationship. They both attend the same college about 2 hours away from home. She called today to inform me of the break up, the first reason because she said she was concerned about him and the other reason because we were planning a family trip with her included and I was about to purchase airfare this week. Unlike some of the other situations discussed here, my son does not have a strong network of friends at school. Most of his friends are in school near home, a bigger school that he was already planning to transfer to next year. I know I have to give him space but it is killing me to know that he is practically alone there and he doesn't want to talk to me, at least not yet. Not to sound selfish, but I feel so bad that I can't sleep or even go an hour without crying. This girl was such a close part of our family, I actually thought they might get married one day. I think the main reasons for the break up were that she felt they grew apart and he did not do anything with other people besides her, which I agree with, but I feel so helpless to help him. Any suggestions?

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 3/2/2009 2:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lisa,
I know exactly how you feel, I thought my son and his girlfriend would get married someday too, its so hard to see them go through this. Its a little easier on me this time because my son is at home, so I can see him everyday and see if he is o.k. The first break up he went through, he was in college, and I know how hard it must be for you to be away from him. I hated it too, you just want to hold them and tell them it will be o.k. in time, but they don't want to hear that.
I feel for you, I couldn't eat or sleep too, its like I lost something too. I just hate to see my son hurting. He's sitting here with me, has no idea I'm doing this, but we need people to talk to too. He has gone on a few dates with this girl that he says they are just friends, but he still looks pitiful to me, quiet. My son doesn't want to talk about it either, I guess its just too painful, he would rather just try to forget, I know he can't, because they feel like what is wrong with me, when he is just great, it will take time for him to realize that again. Do you think he would read a book about break ups, it might help him get through it, you could get him a book, or you could read it and give him advice. My son is laughing at a show right now, you can't imagine what a wonderful sound that is. Lisa, you and I sound alot alike, I feel for you, and hope that you can find some ways to help him and you. Keep calling him and checking in, maybe he will feel like talking in time, its just too raw right now, but let him know how much you care, I'm sure he knows that. I know you say he is alone now, but he has you, and I know he is so greatful. Whenever you feel like talking I will be here, take care.

Lisa13
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/2/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cathylynn,
Thanks so much for replying. I was hoping you would, you do seem to understand what we're going through. It was a tough nearly sleepless night for me. All I could think about is "how is he feeling right now if I feel this bad?" I thought about the saying, "God never closes a door without opening a window." I know that it is true but you're right, this is all too fresh and raw to try to comfort him. I just prayed and prayed that God would give him some peace and strength to help him get through this. I'm so torn between being sad and being angry at her. Which is silly because I know this is just a normal part of growing up and a small part of me expected it. My son is such a smart, funny, compassionate and wonderful person. I hope this experience doesn't destroy any of that. Your son sounds like he is on the road to getting better, I hope so. I guess we shouldn't expect miracles but we can certainly hope for them. I guess if this was going to happen, I wish it would have been next year when he had already transferred schools. I also wish he would call me.
The only thing I got from him so far is a text message. And I only got that because after trying to call him a hundred times and then texting that I know this will be difficult and I love him and am here for him, please call. He didn't call so a couple of hours later I texted again to call or I was coming down there. He then texted, "Mom, leave me alone, I'm fine."
I am so worried about him that I'm physically sick. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.
Lisa

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 3/2/2009 2:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Lisa,
It is so nice to talk to you too. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to be sad or mad at her, i'm still feeling that way too. We live in a small town, so I don't know what I will do when I see her. I feel like she just threw away the best thing that could have happened to her. I don't know how you can love someone one week and then not the next, he didn't see this coming at all, they got along perfect. I knew another boy was involved, my son found out about him last week, so that kind of got it all going again, so he's been more quiet lately. I think the one thing that kept him going was thinking she would come back to him. Now knowing it won't happen has got him upset again. He is also wondering why she would choose the boy she did. He was a friend on my son's basketball team when he was in school, kind of turned into a loser lately, he's on drugs, doesn't have a license, so he doesn't understand why she would choose him. I think some girls need more drama, so really when it is said and done, he's alot better off without her. Time heals, when he lost his first true love, he wouldn't say anything bad about her, thought she was an angel, did nothing wrong, now he see's her alot different. So in time he will see this relationship differently too.
When you talk about your son I can see what a wonderful person he must be too. His ego is really hurting right now, his whole life plans have changed and he doesn't know what to do now. I sure wish he had some friends to talk to, do you think he keeps in contact with friends from home. My son ended up dropping out of college, after his first break up, he just couldn't keep his mind off things, he regrets it so much now, he let her do that to him. Your son will make it thru this, time heals, he really needs to keep busy, focus on school, keep his mind off of it as much as possible, and in time he will think of it less and less. He can start fresh when he transfers to a new school.
I know I sound so much more positive now, it took me a while to get to this point, I made myself sick too. I still get that sinking feeling every time I hear him come home, wondering how he will be. Will he be happy or sad, he is just quiet now, not the same, but I can tell he is so much better. I will pray that your son finds his way too, he will, sounds like he has alot to offer the right girl, and he will find her. Maybe just send him a card telling him everything you want to say, then he doesn't have to talk, but he knows how much you care. I think it will help you to write it all down, and encourage him too. Tell him you will give him space if he wants it, but that you are there at anytime to talk, or a text just to let you know he's o.k. I will sure keep you guys in my thoughts, I totally understand, keep me updated.

Lisa13
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/3/2009 5:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Cathy,
I heard from my son again, although only by text. He said he's fine and he talked to 'her' yesterday for awhile. He wants me to pick him up from school on Friday. He said he would talk to me more on Friday. He was suppose to come home with her and go to a waterpark with her parents for the weekend. Now she's bringing some friends from school.
I found out from my other son (they're twins) he's in the Marines, that she had changed her relationship status on Facebook. Like an advertisement it says "*****'s relationship status is now single" She had changed it within hours after breaking up with him. I also talked to her mom last night and I wish I hadn't. She says she was shocked as well. But of course, she insinuated that the cause for the break up was all my son's fault. He didn't give her space etc... I guess my son told his ex he would like to go to counseling with her to try to work it out and she and her mother both think that it's my son who should go to counseling on his own. I really don't like his ex making him feel like there is something wrong with him. I agree that he does need to get out more and do more things but he is an RA at school and his classes are a priority for him. He needs to do well to be able to transfer to the school he wants to go to next year. I think he is very focused on his education and career goals and is also very devoted to 'her'. Apparently that was enough for him but not her. I understand that they are young and maybe this is a necessary part of growing up, but I just think that after four years, she owed him more than a quick ten minute "I want to break up" as she dropped him off at his dorm on Sunday. After they had been home all weekend and everything seemed fine. I guess announcing her new "Relationship status" to the world was more of a priority to her than my son was. I know I sound angry, and maybe I am. Being angry hurts a lot less than being sad, which I also am. As an added bonus her mom also let slip that she thinks her daughter wants to date other people. Kind of gives me the impression that maybe she already has someone in mind. I will not mention any of this to my son. I just hope he is able to get beyond this asap.

cathylynn
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 3/3/2009 9:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Lisa, this all sounds so familiar, like were reading from the same book. After 2 years dating my son, I felt it was all too easy for her. He and I don't see how it could be so easy, I know people can grow apart, but not this quickly when everything was fine a few weeks earlier. I know how girls think. She had other options going on, and I fear that your son's girlfriend is the same. Someone is showing them attention, and they want a change, maybe it is getting a little boring, they want excitement. My son grew up in a household where his parents loved each other, very content, we put each others happiness first. and that is the way he is. She on the other hand comes from a very disfunctional home, so giving up so easy seems normal to her. I wish she would have decided she didn't love my son before he spent so much money on her, gifts, trips.
You sound like you have a wonderful son, so dedicated, wow, wouldn't that be what every mother in law would want, does she want someone that is wild and unpredicatable. I hope they haven't made your son feel like its his fault, and for her mother to say that just makes me mad. She should keep her nose out of it, your son is hurting, she should understand that. He sounds awesome, she is going to realize that some day. Our son's are loyal, loving, guys and would never cheat, I think these girls have alot of lessons to learn. If they go to counseling, it sounds like maybe she is still willing to try, is that what I am hearing? How do you feel about that. Do you want them to get back together? In my son's situation I don't, i'm so afraid that she is going to come crawling, when her new guy dumps her. I want him to go on with his life. I guess I'm mad at her,I don't trust her, but I know my son would take her back. He didn't change his status on my space until a few days ago, and he wrote divorced in the space, I guess thats how he feels.
I'm so glad you will get to see your son on friday, you'll get to see for yourself that he is o.k. It will get better, I have learned that, I was a nervous wreck in the beginning, but now things are looking up. You just don't want this to change our boys, my daughter and her friends mentioned, oh no, he's going to become one of those jerky guys, that doesn't want to get hurt again, put up a shell, but with my son I can't imagine that happening, he's just so sweet, I know I biased. Take care Lisa

momz
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/10/2011 1:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi folks...
 
Found this forum after as I'm dealing with a despondent son who had a gf of almost 4 years of hs break up with him the weekend he went to college and she's nearby at another college. She had been there 2 weeks crying for him to hurry down and after 3 days, was already pushing him away......he's devastated, I'm devastated, her family is also. We're small town friends and these kids seemed like forever even though we truly knew they needed to experience adulthood on their own terms. Her mother says she gets nothing out of the gf and my son is very mute himself...slight things pointing towards she didn't just want him hanging around with her, she told him he needed to find friends of his own,....the shocker is, she had him tied around her finger for the 2 weeks she was away herself: skyping, calling, crying she was so alone she was counting the days til he arrived and then BAM...get lost when he gets there.....
 
I cry, I don't sleep, I can't eat, I go over and over what went wrong and how could this otherwise kind hearted girl do this to a bf of so long so quickly....it's been a week, he's still reaching out to her and I've reached a point where I want him to just cut off ties with her...he's only going to rip open the pain everytime she brushes him off.....
 
And for him to be dealing with the stress of going off to college as a freshman and all the struggles that go along with classwork and now add to that totally broken heart......at this point, if this girl never walks into my line of vision again it would be too soon and I bite my tongue about sharing my thoughts to son about her...but this is not the girl we have loved and welcomed in to our home and family and life for so long....
 
Seems she has connected with a harsh bunch of new friends who are pretty wild acting and bold which is a side this girl never showed....and that's what college; trying new things,  but wow....to trash my poor son's heart is so unloving...
 
So to others who have gone through is especially during the colleges years, did your son fare ok? Did they reunite? I truly wish for a new beginning for this kid but we have no say in that do we....I just don't want him to become a doormat.....
 
Broken hearted myself not for the loss but for his sadness......parent weekend next weekend and I hope I see a kid who's doing ok or it will be hard to walk away.....
 
a mom  

Post Edited (momz) : 9/10/2011 12:12:32 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34980
   Posted 9/10/2011 2:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Momz,

You posted on a very old post. I hope that you get some replies. I wanted to welcome you though to the forum.

It is so hard to not worry about our children even after they have left home and are on to college. I think that it is when we worry the most because we can't always be there. I am sorry this has happened to your son. And I hope it doesn't effect his schooling. He has to focus on school now nomatter what is going on in his life.

If his girlfriend is hanging around a different type of people and is acting totally out of her character, then she is easily influenced by other people it sounds like. Maybe she is immature. Not even realizing she is hurting your son.

I think maybe you should be there for him, but let him learn from this experience. I know, easier said than done. But let him know that you are there for him. Try to keep him focussed on school. I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen
 
PS  Feel free to start a new thread about your situation.  All you do is click on "new topic" and go from there.  I fear this older thread may go unnoticed.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

momz
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/11/2011 6:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you....I realized it was old but thought maybe some of the originals may catch it and pass along some thoughts on how their son's fared...I'll try the new thread andsee what that kicks up....

sar58
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/6/2014 9:17 PM (GMT -6)   
How do you logoff this site?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 34980
   Posted 8/7/2014 2:28 AM (GMT -6)   
On the second or third bar down from the top, to the far left, it says "log off"?

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Debmar
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/26/2014 8:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I'd love to hear how your son is doing after 2 break ups. My son is 19 just moved on campus and his girlfriend is there too. They've dated for 2 years and now college is a new chapter and she wants to party and he doesn't. He can't stop thinking about her. Is afraid he's gonna see her on campus. But all his friends are there. He's overwhelmed with his new classes the new schedule. I'm worried he's getting depressed. What should I do?

Debmar
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/26/2014 8:28 PM (GMT -6)   
We'll your posts are from 2009 but I'm experiencing pain from my son 19 just moved on campus in our hometown and so did his girlfriend and things aren't working out. He's heartbroken and so am I. How did you get through this difficult time I'm not sleeping and I'm constantly worried for him please give me words of encouragement
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