Struggling a little

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weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 1/26/2009 2:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I just needed a place to talk today so here I am....I'm not feeling too good today....I don't feel like doing anything and I just put my son down for a nap, walked out of the room and lost it a little....I was holding it in so he didn't have to see or be around my sadness...Lately I've just been really frustrated with my relationship....I don't know how to balance having a relationship, being parents together (just helping me out would be nice) and everything in the mix when my SO is just not here enough....He works 60+ hours a week and only has one day off....I'm so thrown for a loop because I don't know how to make things better when bottom line he's just not here....He was on vacation the end of Dec and everything was so great between us....I even felt a bigger connection within myself at that time....Something I haven't felt in a long time....And it seems as soon as he goes back to work things just turn into crap....I actually had a talk with him about a week ago to let him know where I'm at because it always seems like I push him away, I don't want to be touched, I'm not in a lovey dovey mood and I don't want him near me....I know he was begining to notice my behavior towards him so I talked to him....Before the talk I was thinking about all this and I always end up thinking it's something to do with me and it's my fault....But I realized it wasn't because there are things that he does or doesn't do that don't make the situation better....So the talk went good...I got him to realize a lot of things mostly that I don't want to be that way with him, (pushing him away) and that his working a lot is a big problem...I know that things at work won't change anytime soon but I walked away from the talk thinking that if we could just try and be good to eachother (now that he understands why I've been pushing him away) when we are around eachother then that would be good....Things were good for a few days but now I'm back to the same way....I just feel like maybe it is me!
 
I just feel like I don't know how to be good to him, I don't know how to be loving to him when I resent him so much for being gone all the time....And I know that it's not going to change....It's not only that but I don't know how be the person I want to be to him when I'm going through my own personal crap...Like having a bad day or not being in a good mood or a day like today.....I feel like I pull all the weight around here....And I'm ok with doing everything around here because it's my responsibility for being home....But I'm tired of having 95% responsibility for our son, I'm tired of feeling like he just doesn't get it, what I go through and the things that I do....I'm so greatful that my son goes to a wonderful lady 2 days a week so he can have fun with other kids and be in a different place because I think I would go nuts if I didn't have that...I also want to throw in that it doesn't matter that I don't work and stay home, he would work like this anyway because of the position he holds....I don't know, I'm just feeling tired of my life....I was doing so good with keeping myself busy around here....Keeping up on everything and doing little projects (not like it never got done before but I felt good about it!) but I'm just finding it hard to have a good day today and I'm finding it hard to keep up the stamina that I had...I'm tired of being in and out with my SO and it just leads me to believe that there is something wrong with me and that it's my problem...Which it tears me up inside because I don't know how to fix it! Sorry this is long if you got through it thanks for listening to me!
 
wishdreamhope

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 1/26/2009 2:33:30 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/26/2009 3:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hope,

I don't think that it is 'you'. I think that you want him to share in the responsibility of your child and to do some things around home that he probably needs to do. You said that you had a talk and things have gotten better and then went back to the way that they were before. That means that he was doing things in the right way and then he stopped. So maybe if you say for instance "It really helped a lot when you did such in such", that he would start again to help you. If that doesn't work, I would talk to him again and hopefully with some constant reminding, he will get use to it and do it all of the time.

I hope that this made sense. Hopefully somebody else will have some ideas for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 1/26/2009 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't really have any advice, but wanted to let you know that I support you. You have a ton on your plate right now & 2 year olds are more than a handful. It is amazing all you do & hopefully your husband can go back to giving you more support.

hugs,
frances

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 1/27/2009 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks you two for the support, that's just the thing I really can't distinguish if he did change anything....I just needed to vent and get out my sadness....I hope today will be better.....I would appreciate any words of advise, support or if anyone can relate, it seems it's not coming soon enough.... shakehead  
 
ETA: My counselor will be here today so maybe that will help.

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 1/27/2009 9:35:04 AM (GMT-7)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/27/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Hope,

I understand you well.  My husband was much like your SO when we had 4 young kids at home...........He worked swing shifts and each week was a different shift.  Day shifts he would come home, play with his toys, motorcycle, mow lawn, take care of yard and he did well with the kids but he would never go to any parent-teacher conferences, or social events that we were invited to where he did not know anyone.  I went alone.

He picked up all the overtime he could get at work so there could be weeks when he worked 11PM - 7 AM 7 days in a row and I had to keep things quiet in the house with 4 kids etc.  He was a light sleeper.

When he worked the 3-11 PM shift again it was the up keep on the house, snow shoveling, oil changes on the car etc.  Then off to work he would go.  So I often spent 7 evenings in a row with just the kids. I cannot say I was happy with this routine as I had the dream of a Hallmark Home..............everyone happy including Mommy. smhair

I joined a volunteer group but again there were socials and my hubby would just not go. 

I finally decided when our youngest was 6 years old I wanted to go to nursing school.  So I did and my hubby sold one of his prize possessions, a classic car, to pay  my way through school.  He was very supportive of my goals and when I took a full time job in town he did his share at home.

For me I believe part of my problem was excepting that dreams sometimes have to be rearranged and I love my husband so with time I came to accept my life and my need to take care of me.  I had a carreer and my family,  life was good maybe far from my dream but it was and is good.

I know that lonely feeling you speak of.

Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 1/28/2009 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks stkitt for relating....I do plan to get a part time job at some point....I will do it when the time is right....Getting a job scares me and sometimes I think by me saying that I'll do it when the time is right, that it's an excuse....But I want to believe that I'm taking it one step at a time to try and be in a place that I need to be in order to do that so I try to tell myself, that way of thinking is a real thing and not an excuse, if that makes any sense lol....I'm finding out that it's really all about taking baby steps....I feel like I'm starting over in life....I'm not feeling depressed anymore.....It's always a hard thing to take when your doing good and then bam! You fell a little....I really don't have anything to say about my relationship at this point, I did talk to him about my bad day that night and it felt good to get it out.....He doesn't blame me for the way I've been with him because he said that I still have things to straighten up in my head and that we are in this together...It just felt good to vent here!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/28/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hope,

I am happy to hear that your husband said that you are in this together. That is so good to hear.

I hope that you are having a good day today.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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