My cry for help has turned into a disaster

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sadsoul
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/3/2009 8:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi fellow depressed people,

Some of you may remember me from a post a month or so ago. My job was (and still is) overwhelming. Everyone here is so caring and supportive. I'm actually home from work today. Finally, after 8 weeks of massive overtime, I made a cry for help to my boss. Her and I have been working together for close to 30 yrs. I've been working about 10-15 hours a day during the week and about 8 hours on the weekend for 8 weeks now. I went into the office Sunday after going to an Urgent Care center for neck, back and bladder pain. I had a temp of 101 and was given meds for a UTI. Most normal people would probably have gone home, but I knew if I didn't go to the office Sunday, there would be hell to pay Monday. I prepare documents for mortgage closings and if people don't have their documents in time for their settlements, all hell breaks loose. So... I put in about 5 hours at which point I decided I simply can't do this anymore. I sent my boss an email saying as much. What I wanted was for her to help with the closings. Everyone in my dept has been working the same crazy hours as I have been with the exception of her. Well, OMG, what a bees nest I stirred up. She was very sympathetic and suggested I take a week or so off. I said I cannot do that to my co-workers who are as sick of the OT as I am. I said I would be fine if I could just work a normal 8:30-5:00 day with occasional overtime.

What she did is pull about a dozen of my loans and distributed them to my overworked co-workers. Then had a meeting with them, telling them I could not work anymore overtime for personal reasons. Fine, but to top it off, she decided to make a brown noser in our dept Asst Manager (I have always been her backup) to her. This meeting took place at the end of the day while I was still working on loans for the day. Now one of my co-workers who has more time in than the brown noser felt like she was punched in the stomach. She was crying, I was crying and apologizing. Not only is she terribly upset, but her and the rest will have to make up for my lack of working OT. Needless to say, my eyelids are quite swollen today and I have a raging headache. I emailed the new asst manager and told her to call me when she got it. I had a 9am and 10;30 am closing for today that I had not done yet. She called and said she'd take care of things (I did get a little gratification out of dumping those on her). I am home sick today but riddled with guilt for the situation I created at work. I've been riddled with guilt for neglecting my husband, who has heart disease and has taken over a lot of the chores I do because I couldn't work those hours and take care of the household crap too. I have a terrible fear of his dying and couldn't bear if it happened while I was putting in so much time at work.

So, I got what I wanted, no more OT, but am just sick over the situation it has caused at work. I thought maybe I'd get some things done around the house today, but all I can do is cry and I am not a cryer. I hope I can get myself together enough so my husband is not distressed over my state of mind and health when he gets home from work. He's been quite worried about me and then I worry about him. It's just this horrible viscous circle. I am on depression meds, but they can only do so much...

Thanks to all who have taken the time to listen to me whine. I know so many people have it worse than me and of course, I feel guilty about that also.

Jean

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/3/2009 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Jean...........
Guilt my dear friend is a wasted emotion. Guilt is a natural, normal emotion that passes through us when we believe we have done wrong or done someone harm.

You did not do anything except to take care of yourself.  You did not purposefully set out to dump on others, your body became ill as it has sensed you are overstressed.

Your boss made the decisions and if she chose to give part of your load to other members of the team and they did not feel they could handle it, they needed to speak to the boss. 

Also as far as the new assistant manager............trust me on this one,  being a manager or an assistant manager is a huge stress and headache...........people often want the title but do not realize that all of a sudden you are what your title says. It consumes your life.

I was the Nurse Manager of an ER...............I made it for 26 years and then I crashed.............never to be able to get back up again and carry on..............I was devestated and for 3 years I have sat here at home crying over  how I was not strong enough to go the distance.  I took early retirement and lost my identity as I was a Manager and now I was a blob sitting around crying.

It has been a long 3 years, a lot of med changes and therapy but I have learned to accept I am not a failure.  I just over extended myself.  I have had depression and anxiety for 25 years or so and I kept pushing the bar.

I am very proud of you for speaking up and remember you are NOT responsible for saving the world.  You have to put yourself and your family first.

Perhaps your boss should hire some extra help instead of paying out so much OT.  There are plenty of very smart people out there looking for jobs, even part time jobs.

Take care and know I support you

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
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Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 2/3/2009 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Sadsoul,

it is great to see you back, but I am sorry for your situation. LIsten to Kitt, she is very wise. She only has your best interest at heart. Take care of you. I think your employer should hire an extra person too.

I hope that you can relax and have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


sadsoul
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/3/2009 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, thank you so much for your kind words. You are right, guilt is a wasted emotion. I made the mistake of checking my work email and have been extremely upset with my boss. She wants to put me on a "leave' but practically in the same breath, berated me for not getting my loans for today done when I was still closing yesterdays loans at 6:00 yesterday. We have a new guy who started last week in our dept that has not been trained yet. He's very likable and needs to be trained on our system and way of doing things, but that hasn't been done yet. Boss tried calling me but I didn't answer the phone. I was afraid I'd say something I would regret. I just emailed her and told her I'm not in the mood to talk and would see a shrink - which is her stipulation for me to not take a leave. Oh, the things I want to say to her....but am holding back because I need the job.

Kitt, I can certainly see where all your years of nursing brought you to a breakdown. My Mom was an RN, shift supervisor that covered when the full time one was out. God Bless you nurses. You have such stressful jobs - life and death, unlike the stress I'm going through. Nobody is going to die if I screw up, although they like to act like they will!

Thanks for your support and best wishes to you and Karen.

Jean
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