I Feel so lost

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/5/2009 3:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Some years ago I found out I had Hep C, I managed to deal with that am thankfully am living very healthily with it, then last year my ex took my 4yr old for 3mths and sexually abused him while he was with him, I have been fighting the family court since then to keep him away from my son but they seem stuck on the fact that they share DNA even though my son says straight out what he did and that he doesnt want to see him they still want my son to continue a relationship with his abuser, I was just managing to hold on then just prior to X-mas my 10yr old son was killed in a tragic accident, it was so sudden, I kept myself sane by trying to keep myself busy, we moved house to make a fresh start to a beautiful little place, but now things are settling down his death is really hitting me, no one seems to understand that I am going through something huge, I am only 30, my mother died when I was only 14 and my father and I arnt particulary close. I have a boyfriend of two years that lives with me but he doesnt get it and I cant talk to him about it. I feel like my whole life is to serve others, I am the only one who does anything around the house, and I get no appreciation for that but theres a shocker, I love him to death but since we moved here hes been at me so much I cant breathe, I am so scared, I cant fall apart because thats the last thing I can do in the middle of a custody fight, but I cant talk to anyone I know either, my boyfriend isnt usually this heartless person hes been lately and if I talk to anyone I know they will hate him and they will never forgive him for putting me through so much more crap when I really dont need it. I have never gone to a site like this before I dont know what to expect or what I even want out of it, but I needed to talk because no one that "cares" will actually listen. I just feel so lost all the time, sometimes I dont even know why I bother getting up in the morning because its just another day of pain, the only thing that gives me any comfort is my son who is now about to turn 5 he feels like the only thing I have left. I dont know if I am depressed, grieving (badly), or just being a sook, but it just feels like life keeps throwing me curve balls and they keep hitting me in the face.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40391
   Posted 2/5/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Lost,

You definately have a lot on your plate.  You might want to open up to your bf and explain what it is you are fighting.  He needs to know in order to understand.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  This is a lot. 

Are you seeking any counseling?  You definately need the support at this time.  It is so important. 

I know that things will work out in the custody battle.  As long as you are honest about what your ex did.  He shouldn't be able to see your son.  He should be in jail.  IMHO anyway.  This must have been so devistating for you. 

I am glad that you came here.  You really need to vent.  There is so much going on in your life right now and I feel you need much support.

We are here for you.  So keep posting and we will help you as much as possible.

Hugs, Karen

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 2/6/2009 10:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi so_lost.

I just want to follow up to Karen's welcoming you here with my own. Life is certainly difficult for you right now and you have every right to feel sad, hurt, and frustrated. I can only imagine the pain you are going through in grieving the loss of your son, especially during a time when you are trying to protect your 5 year old. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I agree that counseling would be very helpful for you right now. In my experience with counseling, I switched three times after the first appointment because I didn't feel a connection with the therapist, but then I did find one that I felt I could open up and talk to.

You sound like a wonderful, kind-hearted person. Please don't give up. This world needs more people like you. We are all here to listen so please keep posting.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/7/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -6)   

Dear Lost,

Hello and I too am glad you found us.  I too lost a son to a horrible car crash a long time ago but I still miss him and always will.  I adopted the role as the tough person who could handle my loss even thow I cried every day for at least a year.  I still cry on bad days when I look at his picture.

Please know I understand your pain,  time will dull the pain but you will never  forget that one child that is gone.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression .
When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty.

I would like to encourage you to consider counseling to help you through this painful time. One on one counseling can help you understand your feelings as well as teach you skills to cope with your pain.

I am so sorry about your support system being poor, I was fortunate to have a husband who still supports and holds me when I cry for my son.  You have us and we are here for you.

Gentle Hugs,




Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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