First of all I want to apologise to everyone here for not being around. My argument, however no excuse, is that since my new job started I've been cut a lot in my time, and it also brings so many new experiences that at the end of the day I have the feeling that I can't be of any use to you here.
So, 'bout the job, it is my first job ever. I am working at a large financial institution doing some administrative work, fun though. There are 8 other colleagues that share a pretty large room with me, and they are all very nice, funny, and cool individuals. What I love the most about
working, compared to school, is the lack of homework. I still feel I have vacation or something, because when I'm done with work, there is nothing more that needs to be done.
However, work also brings stress. I need to take a 40 minute trip with the coach in order to get there, and I don't like coaches. Not only because of my car sickness, but mainly because of all those unknown people. I don't know why, but most people in a coach seems to isolate themselves and have a rejection at everyone around them. Well, so it feels to me, and I just feel very uncomfortable.
But there are other things on my mind that I feel a lot more uncomfortable about
. Some of you here know about
my problems with girls. To those who don't, when someone is nice to me, I immediately become happy and grateful to know that person, and wish the best for them. And while I am really grateful for this attitude, when it comes to girl another aspect mixes in, love. And whilst this might not sound as a problem, for me it is. I've overcome my fears of certain foods, animals, well mostly everything, but I just can't seem to overcome my fear of losing someone who I feel comfortable with. Things as foods were easy, as facing the food by eating it was enough. But I can't imagine how I should be able to overcome my problem with love. The only things I can come up with is losing the love of everyone and see all the love after that as an added bonus. I think I won't last a second in a world without love towards me.
To make things a bit more clearer, my love towards a girl isn't physically. I just feel that a girlfriend is someone who wants the best for you, who's only concern is that you are happy. I wish I wouldn't, but that kind of unbiased support is what I am looking for, and never found. Mostly because the more I think someone wants that same thing for me, the more afraid I become of losing that connection. And instead of continuing the way we deal with each other, my fear takes over and I start trying to avoid that person in fear of doing wrong. That happened too many times, and the once pleasant feeling of love now is one of total agony. I managed not to fall in love for nearly a year, but now that pain is back. Yesterday, while driving back from helping a friend with moving, I broke down in the car. Fortunately, it was dark, so they didn't know what was happening, but last week I've been crying nearly every day.
I, well, hate myself for falling in love with every single girl that is nice to me. I just wish that I can act and behave without that ever present fear of doing something wrong. Because I do want the best for them, and everyone else, but when I am in such a mood I isolate myself and aren't able to help anyone.
As some of you might have noticed, the only difference (at least to me) between a girlfriend and just a very good friend is the physical aspect. I don't bother about
that, so in theory I should be able to get the support I want from good friends. The problem is, I don't feel comfortable telling others about
how I feel, again for that fear of losing. And at the moment, there is only one friend I feel like understands me. I don't want to lose that friendship over my problems. You see the dilemma here, someone like that is what I feel like I need, and at the same time I won't because of what we already have is too much risk to lose.
To summarize, a lot has been going on lately. Right now, I am experiencing very pleasant situations as well as rather nasty ones. Two things that don't mix up very well, and it just confuses me, a lot. Because of my fear of expressing myself, most people don't see that there is anything wrong with me, whilst I feel the things I need the most is someone who just tells me that everything is OK the way it is.
Thanks for letting me vent, and all the very best to all of you!
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 2/8/2009 9:42:16 AM (GMT-7)