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samoascookies
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/8/2009 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone
 
It has been awhile since i have been online. You can follow my story by earlier posts.
 
Briefly my wife moved out and soon after I was diaignosed with chronic depression and mild hypomania, which delayed my discovery of nearly two decades of depression. 
 
I have concluded almost six months of P.doc sessions and have come to grips with my separation and recent bankruptcy.  One year to the day of my wife leaving me she called and wanted to get back (move back in) together. She cant seem quite yet to divorce me. I was hesitant and insisted on family therapy in this phone converstion if she wanted to proceed.  In the following weeks i attempted to set a time to "talk", I believe I may have called it a "date".  Both times she was busy with moving from her apartment to another, that truly did make sense! In the meantime I was in the process of getting an appointment with a family therapist.   Three weeks latter I emailed her on a time for our first therapy session and was told via email since i make no attempt to "talk" she did not wish to follow-up on changing things. 
 
A few things come to mind:
 
A. She needed a place to live hence the call
 
B. By blaming me "again" that (i didnt drop everything and talk) It was my fault.  This is a continuation of a theme "everything is my fault". 
 
In a follow up conversation she told me that "the problem may rest with her", and told me that she would shut out my family (and her family also) because they "took my side".  My wife shut out over the years many of her own family and friends.  I just listened, as she continued a theme of "they are all against me" and "I will shut them out"  Even if we got back together. 
 
This is unacceptable!
 
Many things i know, my wife suffers from depression, abandonment and control issues.  She is money centric also.  My question is this: 
 
My wife in a round about way is asking for help! I will not go back to how things worked before, she made the descisions and I followed, that was my chronic depression talking.  Today I am much better but wish to help my estranged wife.  I did visit my P. Doc one more time and she worried could I do this and not become personally invovled.  Good question!  I desire to help my estranged wife, but i am absolutly convinced i cannot "carry her over the goal line".  Her limited contact with family and friends makes it difficult to help her by having others encourage her to seek help!  Besides my attempt was rebuked by "I've tried that before"  on the other side I am in a place where my confidence has returned.  I believe by helping her I am helping our baby daughter. 
 
I am a realist, only she can make a change, I need the right words or actions to convey help! 
 
Thanks 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 2/8/2009 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
You are right, only she can make the change. Please don't feel responsible for her problems. Keep your child's best interest at heart. That way you can't go wrong.

I hope that this helps some. You seem to have a lot going on, so take it one thing at a time. Stick to your guns. And don't let her control you.

Best wishes my friend,

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


subdued
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3231
   Posted 2/8/2009 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I think you are doing the right thing by insisting on seeking family therapy. Now it is up to her.
Joy - 47 yrs and counting
Diagnosed w/ UC Dec 06 (also have IBS)
Currently in remission

Lexapro (for stress)
Probiotics and Vitamins (a whole bunch of them)
Anti-inflammatory foods: turmeric, seaweed, garlic...
Avoid: anything with high-fructose corn syrup, foods high in fructose, artificial sweeteners
Previous treatments: Fecal transplantation (worked), Prednisone (stopped working), Colazal (stopped working), Asacol (stopped working)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/8/2009 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello and I am glad you were able to come here and share with us.

Reading your post my red flag went up with "One year to the day of my wife leaving me she called and wanted to get back (move back in) together" and "Both times she was busy with moving from her apartment to another, that truly did make sense!"

That did not make sense to me as why would she move to another apartment if she wanted to move back in with you? 

My best advice to you is to remember the good about your marriage, but don't forget the bad and the pain you have gone through. 

Be very careful before you agree with her ideas as you may be getting your hopes up just to be hurt all over again.  Just my 2 cents.

Take care.
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


samoascookies
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/12/2009 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for your imput. All curcumstances of approach are very individual.  I believe she is dealing with "fear".  Fear of confornting my family, fear of maybe being "wrong".  Fear of abanonment of her "its the princilple of the thing"  I'm not saying this to be smug! Believe you me I was just as much at fault, that is not my point.  
 
My wife needs to know from a person who probly cares the most, if not me, who!  If not now, when!  This is kind of funny!  I am dealing with my own fear here......Should i just tell her my take?  Really what do I have to lose!  Not that she can do much more to me mentally.  Any word craftmmen or women out there....gotta leave to see her in 40 min.....    

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 2/12/2009 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Just be honest,

I think that she would appreciate that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


samoascookies
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/12/2009 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
On my way, lets see if i can deal with my own fear! keep on with idea's I may chicken out today.
Thanks
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