New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/13/2009 9:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone I just wanted a place to get out what I've been feeling lately and what a better place to do it where you get support and understanding. I've just come to the realization that things aren't going to get better unless I get a job. I was thinking about trying to get a little better or just wait until I feel it would be the right time but I kind of had a ephany. I started thinking that I could go to the park, go for a walk, go walk around a store, just try to do anything that would get me and my son out of the house and basically accomplish some of my fears and feel good about it in this healing process. And it never sounded good to me because honestly I'm just so tired of being alone because I would do all of those things by myself because I have no friends. I figured that wasn't going to be my answer. I feel that the only way I won't be isolated, to be around other people, to have something to do, to feel like I have a purpose, to feel a sense of independancy is to get a job. It's weird because I did have plans to get a job but I guess I see it in a different light now. The first couple of weeks taking my meds I changed my home life into something I was happy about instead of being miserable but it didn't last long because it got old and I felt like there has to be more. I've been feeling stuck for the last 3 weeks but  I'm trying to feel good about this new thought. I've applied to a few jobs so far online and when my son goes back to care next week I'll go out to a few more places around here.
 
I had a talk with my SO lastnight and it felt good. Just letting him know that I'm scared to go back to work because I don't want to mess it up this time. I want to feel good about working and hopfully like what I get. I just want to be able to take initiative and be responsible. I also broke down and cried with him lastnight because I told him of my realization a while ago with my counselor about my parent's. And that I'm angry that they didn't raise me to have ambitions and goals, they didn't raise me with any kind of tools to be a adult in the real world. They didn't care enough that I dropped out of high school after tenth grade, they didn't care enough that I was 13 and dating a 21 year old, which ended up with 3 yrs of mental and physical abuse, they didn't care enough that I was drugging it up and smoking, they didn't care enough to give me rules and boundaries. They just didn't care enough to try to mold me into the best adult I could be to be in the real world. I'm crying right now just thinking about all that because it just makes me so mad. I've always depended on guys and relationships. After that 3 yr relationship I was with someone else for 2yrs then onto someone else for 4yrs. I've never really been self sufficiant, there have been times where I have but all my young life has consisted of is relationships. I'm not saying that I'm blaming them for my life as it stands now but I can really see why I've struggled all my life! Anyway, I will try to feel good about getting a job I hope that good feeling can stay with me. I just really need to build my confidence and self esteem. And Karen, thanks for recommending the book "Feeling Good" I'm only on part 2 but it's so interesting and I just want to soak my brain into it more! I'm going to try and read as much as I can today! Thanks for listening if you got through this. I know long posts are hard.
 
editing to add and correct. I'm a profectionist lol!
 
 

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/13/2009 9:53:26 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 2/13/2009 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey hope,

I am glad that you got the book and are enjoying it. It really helped me a lot. It does take a while to get through. There is so much information that is helpful. Kudos to you my friend.

I think that a job is a good idea. It helps you to feel good about yourself and there isn't much better than getting your own paycheck. I am so happy that you are seeking one out. And I hope that you find one that you like. Jobs are scarce these days so don't get upset if you don't find one right away. But keep bugging the ones that you applied with. That way they know that you are really interested.

Best wishes for you to have a wonderful day.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/13/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   

A job has helped me feel good about myself and I did try another job about 18 months ago but it just was not me.  I gave myself permission to quit after much guilt and beating myself up so this job is in the field I am trained for.  It is just casual but to know that I am working again and able to get up and get ready to go to a job has done great things for my spirits.

Please do take your time in looking for something that is what you want to do.  You should like your job and remember it is ok to change your mind if something else comes up.

Know I am here and reading your posts. You have my support and caring.

Take care

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/13/2009 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear wishdreamhope,

I can empathize with how you feel. I have had a bad childhood too. My parents only cared about their social image. I had bipolar since I was 10 but they never took me to a psychiatrist because of the stigma attached to mental illnesses. I spent my teenage years and my early twenties suffering deeply because of the disorder. I did well academically but my parents always obsessed over the fact that I had to get married early so they could feel relieved of their duty. They started introducing me to suitable men as early as 16 and had even decided on my life partner by the time I was 18. All this time I was in deep pain because of my bipolar so nothing ever worked out with any of the guys they picked till I was 24. I got excellent grades but no one ever encouraged me to focus on my career. A year and half ago, I became psychotic and my parents still did not take me to a psychiatrist. They were nasty and told me to behave myself or they would cut off my money (I was in grad school at that time). After a series of accidents that could have cost me my life, I was finally court ordered to get myself tested. Today I am 26 and aimless in life. I am starting work from next month but have no clue what to do for the rest of my life. Because of all the abuse, I have developed a co-dependent personality. I am a crazy women clueless about life. All my classmates have careers, goals, stable relationships, etc. I sometimes wonder why some people get lucky in life and why others don't.

I have tried to do something constructive. I have started a book club to get rid of the nagging feeling of loneliness. Maybe, you could try something like that. I also write and am planning to start a blog soon. Maybe that might be therapeutic.

Good luck with the job hunt.

Sheeba

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/13/2009 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Shebsy, thank you so much for your words. I don't feel so alone. I was actually diagonosed as bipolar last month. I have hypomania and I'm not sure if this diagnosis is going to stick because they have to see how I do on the meds but it made everything that I was experiencing clearer to me. I have been taking Lamictal and Strattera for almost 5 weeks now. Just had both dosages increased almost a week ago. The Strattera has helped a lot with making my mind calmer, it's been a relief. I have just felt at a stand still the last 3 weeks. I just turned 28 and I feel as you do, aimless in life. I also look at other people I've seen around me and feel that they are more successful then me. I know that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but of course I've thought about it. Feeling like you haven't accomplished much in life and feeling like you have no meaning almost makes me feel like I'm stupid. Getting pregnant with my first child and having a high risk pregancy left me being home because I couldn't work, the job I did have before I became pregnant I got fired from. So feeling useless and all the crap I went through with my pregnacy just made my life worse. Since becoming a mother I also feel like I'm stuck in a way and it's been a difficult path. I have felt stuck about creating a life for myself and have been stuck at home with no friends or family close for 3yrs. Anyway enough of that. That's just exactly how I feel like my parent's didn't encourage me to be somebody in life. The funny thing is I have a close relationship with my mom, ever since I was a teenager. It's just weird because just looking back on things and feeling like I do now, made me realize that my parent's weren't good to me. It's been difficult to realize because I'm angry about it and I definately have plans to raise my son better. I don't have any plans at all to have another kid so I feel like since my son will be a only child we as his parents will have the love, time, energy and will be able to focus on him through his life stages. Although I am in a relationship now for 4yrs and we have a son together, I still need to establish myself. I feel like I'm starting over at 28. I also have no clue what I want to do in life but I'm just going to get a simple job now, get tuned in with working and maybe down the line go to school. I just realized I can't be home anymore, I'm wasting away and I need to make something of myself because I can't keep wasting more time plus where would it leave me when I'm old. Don't ask me why I'm realizing it now after 3yrs but maybe getting the help did it. Lately I just have no motivation to try and make things different, like getting out of my house! It's sad because I'm literally a hermit. It makes me sad just saying the word hermit because I know it's true. I'm just "here" everyday but with the new thoughts on getting a job I hope I can stay positive about it.
 
I'm sorry I'm going on here but sometimes it just feels good to get everything out. How are you doing with everything now? Have you been on meds and for how long? And I'm sorry you went through all of that with your parent's. That had to be tough at such a young age. Just like me being in relationships from the time I was 13. I thought about it and I think the longest I have ever been single in my whole young life is for a year. I think that's what bothers me so much because I just never focused on myself to establish MY life. I am glad that you have found some things that have comforted you and I hope for the same. Hang in there and I'm totally with you! Thanks for your post!

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/13/2009 1:38:28 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 2/13/2009 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I just have to stress that neither one of you are worthless. You both play an important roll in life. Embrace yourselves and know that we here care about you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/14/2009 5:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear wishdreamhope,

I think having a bad childhood has more to do with feeling worthless and being aimless in life rather than being single. I have been single all my life and have had all the time and energy to focus on myself but haven't been able to because my day to day life has been a struggle. Even when I was living away from my parents for 8 years, they involved me in their conflict. My parents would come to visit me during their vacations - my father's behaviour would border on being sexually abusive. Instead of seeking help for the family, my mother would get jealous and try to find another boy for me. She thought marriage and children would be the solution. I have been on meds for over a year and half but since I am living with my parents now, my recovery has been slow. My psychiatrist thinks we should all live together and work things out instead of behaving like Americans and going separate ways (he is an Indian and I think he should be locked up in a mental asylum because his advice is ridiculous but we have to follow it since my parents have so many issues that they can't be bothered looking for another doctor. They think bipolar will go away with time and they are living in their own delusional world). After I get a job, I will save up and get my life back on track. I plan to move out by the middle of this year and get another psychiatrist. I don't think you should let your past issues stop you from having more children. Each child needs a sibling for company; they need a dear one to take care of them once the parents grow old (that's what most old people advice in India). I love children and would like to have them someday but I have to first sort out my own issues and get my parents into therapy. I realize that they have been such rotten parents and such rotten people because they have too many issues themselves. If they can get their issues sorted, they might be nicer to their children, the maid, the driver, their co-workers and employees, etc. I hope you are able to go to school and establish your own life. Going to school is a wonderful experience. I enjoyed my time in school. I just wish I had been treated for my bipolar at that time so I could have focused on building a career instead of taking the most interesting classes. All my teachers and professors said I had a lot of potential but I was wasting myself. I still am. But I am hopeful I will find a mission in life one day. Maybe it will involve saving the environment or helping underprivileged children. I don't know. Time will tell.

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/14/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think that being single can't make you feel aimless or worthless, that's just what my life was, being in relationships. And sometimes I do feel like I should of focused on myself instead of a relationship, know what I mean? I'm sorry that you have had such a rough time with your parents and I have to agree that living with them isn't the answer. I hope that you can have the strength to rise up like you want to. It's good that you have a plan. And not having anymore children was actually a personal choice not anything that happened in my past. Anyway everything does take time....and one day we will be where we want...I don't have much time today but thank you for the conversation and being there for me.
Dx Bipolar II Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 2/15/2009 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Wish,
I think it is great that you have set a goal for yourself to find a job. I am looking for work myself, but have decided to take on some volunteer work while I'm looking for a paid position. I work at a food pantry & it feels really good to get out of the house & to help other people. Plus, I realize that I am not alone in my financial situation & I can talk about it with some of the people who come to get food. So I just wanted to encourage you to consider maybe volunteering if you don't get a paid job right away. It could get you some time out of the house (I think every mom needs an occasional break from her kids) and to practice getting ready & going to do some kind of work without the stress of worrying whether you will be good at it or whether it will work out okay or such. Plus, it is something you can add on to your resume & can really be looked upon favorably by potential employers.

best wishes with finding a job!
frances

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/16/2009 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Frances, I'll keep it in mind if theres something I could do for 2 days a week though. I also wanted to add that I've been feeling better since Saturday. Don't know what has come over me but I feel like I have energy and I have the motivation to do things. I think that I just needed to give my increase in meds some time because it has been a week now. I also started taking Deplin a week ago so maybe thats kicking in. My Dr gave me a 7 day trial and I didn't want to waste it. I actually just ordered some b-12 vitamins and L-methylfolate which is what deplin is but a much smaller dose of course. Also a good multivitamin, so I'm hoping that will all help me to just feel better. I'm glad that I did some research on the Deplin and found that I could just order it at a place that sells vitamins, not Deplin itself but what it's main ingredient is (L-methylfolate). I think Deplin is overated if you ask me and at too high of a dose that you really don't NEED. So I'm doing what's best for me. I'll see my counselor tomorrow haven't seen her in 2 weeks because we weren't able to put my son in care. Hopefully the good days will last a while!
 
Eta I just wanted to add that I'm not trying to bash Deplin, it's just a personal choice for me.


Dx Bipolar II Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/16/2009 4:02:24 PM (GMT-7)

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Thursday, December 08, 2016 5:17 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,039 posts in 301,269 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151368 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Martinese.
373 Guest(s), 13 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Bololidat, Lymepilot, Wanda1225, Sarebear89, Girlie, mpost, yancync, LG13, DennisinNY, gfields, Ariel Smith, ChickenArise, HeyNoodles


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer