My GF and her 3rd episode

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eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all my name is ed...i've read and gotten alot of good info on how to handle/deal/cope with a depressed partner. However i feel like my situation is in its own way unique....I may have to do afew post for my explanation because im using a PS3 as my computer for now until saturday evening..Well it goes like this...i've known my GF for 18yrs..but 10 of those she spent in another state...so technically at least 7...I Know shes been through alot in the past 10yrs relationship wise...from having a child thats now 5...to her last relationship with another female that scarred her emotionally. That one lasted 3yrs of ups and alot of downs for her.NEXT POST PLEASE

eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Well she called me one day 10yrs later and we talked like friends. She explained all that happened between her and her GF, her depression while being with her and the attempt at a suicide from an overdose of meds because of depression. I gave the best advice i could over the phone on a topic that know very little about as an illness. I supported to the best of my abbilities. I know the suicide attempt was long ago. This was with her first episode which was at least 5yrs.My support to her was during the last 2 months of her relationship. As time went by she seemd to be alot happier. Shes well aware of her depression and is taking meds...150mg effexor xr. and 30mg mirtazapine. NEXT POST PLEASE SORRY

eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Everything sounded to be going good for her. I knew that i was childhood crush for her, and she told me this befor. We continued to talk and text back and forth. Now shes an awesome girl..For all that shes been through, she still managed to be independant, and a good mother to her son. We'd talk about our relationships and wonder why 2 people that always try there best in a relationship get burned. Weeks go by of conversations between us. We offered ourselves to give each other shot. I know that sounds wrong on many levels, but with our conversations, we seemed to be fallinh in love. I told what i'd expect from her and her from me. Of course reasonable expectations. So i bought a plane ticket to visit for a week in mid Oct of 08. After 10yrs we finally got to see each other. Sure the week went fantastic. We seemed perfect for each other..NEXT POST

eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Well long story short till i can better explain through a differrent computer...I moved in Jan 09...3 and a half weeks in she gets another attack..hoping its just a mild one, We still went along...But she started to get more distant, no more affection, no more laughing together, just no more normal us. After the 3rd day, I confronted her to tell me whats wrong, i told her if its hard for you to tell me face to face, write it down. She did. The night befor she wrote it, I asked her if I can come with her to drop off her son to school..i didnt get a direct answer, cause 2 hours befor, she had written the letter of how she was feeling. We woke up in the morning, and I stayed in bed waiting for her to tell me lets go. But all i got was a brief hug after a week with out one so knew some thing was up.NEXT POST

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/17/2009 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
What did she write in the letter???

That would let us know her feelings about it. It will be easier to give advice.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
When she left, I got up to get a drink, and noticed an envelope taped to the TV saying "FOR YOU (ED)" ..I immediately thought that this was something that was gonna hurt, and it did. She explaind that it wasnt me at all, had no intentions for this to happen, that she thinks the love she had for me was more of a friendship love, and was hoping that it was just her depression taking control. I was hurt, but i knew that deep inside she really loves me more than a friend and that i should move back till shes back up. Then I go check my email and open a message from my dad, he told me that my mom just had a stroke, that shes fine, but things will never be the same. Thats when I just fell apart...I wrote a 7 page letter explaining to her what ive been feeling, and what happened to my mom and that i decided to go back but un sure when.

eddiebaby
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I went for a long walk befor she came home. Just to clear my head, I came back to her reading it, and yeah she was crying a bit, but all i did was go straight to the room and start to cry. She came in 10 minutes later and held my hand for a moment, I rolled over to embrace her but she was already getting up. I couldnt help my self but to cry more. Mind you this is 3 days befor Valentines. We tried to talk about whats going on and what triggered it but I just keep getting an i dont know. She still manages to hang out with the mother and younger daughter of her past relationship, she chose to buy me a plane ticket under my nose, I know that shes an app. to see her Dr. on the 26th this month..And now im leaving on the 16th this month. I do truely love this girl, and want to support her with all she needs, but with our current situation, im forced to be away from her for at least 2 months, I dont know if she'll even talk to me while im away. kinda like Out of sight, out mind is what im scared of.. NEXT POST

eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I know her normal dosage got bumped to 225mg. And know it could be 4-6 weeks befor we begin to see an improvement. As much as I wanna stay for her, to support her even though shes so distant from me, I cant. I heart broken cause I know I can help her through this just as I did befor we started dating. So my question is, do you think that after she pulls through, after my help and after all the claims she made to me, that she'll take me back? I know she's strong and has a good mind set, and the fact that she's been through this befor, she can come out. Im just wondering if I had any affect of her depression cause I loved her the way she deserved...Any answer is greatly appreciated. and thanks for reading....

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/17/2009 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
HI Ed,

I think that it all remains to be seen. You can't really predict something like this. They say that when you love something, to let it go. If it is meant to be, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be. So only time will tell on this one.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
One more thing I remembered from reading an oldpost here is an increase in chocolate consumption...also is there anything else that i maybe do or say to reassure her that im here for her??

eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/17/2009 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen....... Well in a nutshell she said that there was no intentions on this happening (of course there wasnt), that the love she felt is more friendship (at the moment i hope) that if i chose to go back to san diego she understands, or if theres any other reason for me to stay here other than her thats fine too( I dropped everything i had in SD to be with her), she doesnt feel that bond in a relationship, felt bad that i did give up everything and move 1300 miles to be with, that she thinks that she wasnt mentally or emotionally ready. I'd have to read it again to get more info....

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Ed,

I am so sorry that htis has happened. And that you made such a long move to be with her. But I guess it is better now that you know how she feels instead of down the road. Try to not look at it as a failed relationship, but as a good experience that is now over. If you want to, stick around until her meds start to work. Which takes four to six weeks. Or take up root and go back to where you are comfortable and can find work. This is very unfortunate, that is for sure. But at least she is being honest.

I hope that you can figure something out that best suits you. I am sorry for the situation, as I said above. Most of all, we are here for you so keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Confusedli
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Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 2/18/2009 4:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Eddie,

It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, I think the space of you going away will do you both some good. It will give her a chance to think about how she really feels.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/18/2009 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen...... Thank you for the reply, I was thinking about some thing you wrote, "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO. IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE, IT'LL RETURN" I really was calming to me, but hard at the same time. As much as I would like to stay by her side until her meds kicked, I cant...Simply because she purchased my plane ticket already, and the health of my mom. It hurts me so much to have to decide who's side to be by at the moment...But after reading your anecdote, I knew what I had to do, and going back is the best choice. I still have alot of years left ahead of me to hopefully spend the rest of my life with this girl, and my moms health is slowly going. Now im just venting...Its so hard here when you have no one to talk to. A shoulder to cry on....Hell, im tearing posting this.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/18/2009 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ed,

I am glad that what I said helped you. You do need to be by your mom's side right now. And I think the meds will help her. This will give both of you some time to heal. I am sure tht this will work out for the best. Have faith, and patience. I know that you can do this. And remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Best wishes to you.

hugs, big ones too (((((HUGS))))) Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/18/2009 7:20 AM (GMT -7)   
I want to be here with her. We did have a conversation on valentines, about how shes feeling, she said that she knows shes distant and acting more unusual to close ones and friends. She explained that she doesnt feel like being touched and just wants to be alone. Now what I dont get is while going through this, that she is constantly at her ex-gf's mothers house. And is texting her younger daughter alot. (the older daughter was her ex) I know that my GF is completely through with her. Even the mom and daughter dispise her for what she has put her own loved ones through. My only conclusion is that because they were there for her to give her comfort and support. But I did that too...and I get the shortest stick??

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/18/2009 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Did you ever think that maybe she avoids being around you because she doesn't want you to see her so down? Sometimes a change of atmosphere helps to feel better. Maybe she can open up to these other people about how she feels because they aren't so close to her like you are. And when we get depressed we tend not to be the most pleasant people to be around and we don't want to hurt others so we avoid them. Plus she is talking to women who may have been in this situation. I am not giving her excuses, but just trying to look at her side of it. She wasn't able to talk to you so she wrote you a note, right? Well I have a hard time talking to my husband about how much I love him. So I make him cards. I know that I should say it more. But for some reason I can't and I can't explain it. But I want him to know so badly. So I do the card thing. I just thought that maybe she is going through the same thing. I don't know, but when you said that you liked the quote, and felt that way, I didn't realize that you had more questions. Feel free to keep asking, we will try to help you in any way that we can to understand depression. Is she going to counseling? I remember that you said she was on medications and we discussed that in four weeks or so she should get the full effect of the meds, but she could start feeling better before that time. I hope so.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/18/2009 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen.... Yeah she has a specialty Dr. that she see's, and actually has an appointment next thursday the 26th to see him because of what happened. I understand what youre saying about her not wanting me to see her like this physically, and it makes absolute sense. Befor I moved to be with her, we'd speak our mind to each other, she'd told me that I was a big help in her break up. Our conversations were always positive, and I was always able to make her laugh during that period. But this was over the phone. When I did move in, it was fantastic, we were so happy. I'd read a book a while ago by "Gary Chapman" titled "THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES". turns out that her Dr. recommended the same book awhile ago too. She told me one time long ago befor we got together, that she's scared to fall in love again, only to be let down just like the past relationship that she tried so hard on...

eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/18/2009 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen... Thank you so much for your responses, Im not diagnosed with depression, im just depressed that she has to go through this again after all she has been through already, and I feel like theres nothing i can do to help, or anything to reassure her that im here for her and my love is stronger even while she is so distant...I havent been eating right the past 2 weeks, I get about 4 hours of sleep, and I now smoke nearly 2 packs a day as opposed to 1 befor...I've even taken xanax to calm me down. I just feel like I failed dramatically to be able to understand her depression and how to support her through it...

weirdspace
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/18/2009 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
After reading the orginal post this is my thoughts, sorry haven't really kept up with the replies. I think that you should go back and try to focus on yourself and your family. I know that this is a hard thing to go through because you love her but it sounds like she needs some space to get herself together. I honestly wouldn't even try to communicate with her while your gone because I just think that it would make things worse. I feel that if she told you that her love was just a friendship type of thing, I don't see you two being together even if she does get better mentally. Because how can feelings grow when they were never there to begin with? Know what I mean? Especially if you two spent a lot of time together, you think that it would of been there or grown in that time. I'm not saying that she never had any type of feelings for you but the feelings it takes to be in a relationship need to be there. I'm really not trying to be harsh, I've had a similar experience. And believe her when she says it's not you because I'm really sure she didn't want to hurt you and I'm sure she feels really bad about all this. Sometimes we think that things will work and in the end if it's not there, it's not there. You can't "try" to love someone or make them love you, period. I know as hard as it sounds I don't think it would be wise to invest yourself into her while your gone and the reason I say that is because in the end if you spent all this time being there for her and waiting for her, then it doesn't work out, your going get hurt even more. Just some insight from a similar experience because I went through what your GF is going through, so I know how it feels to be in those shoes. All though I don't know your whole situation, I hope you can see my points.
Dx Bipolar II Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/18/2009 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I also wanted to add, just know that it's not your fault. I understand that your going through a rough time right now. And it's going to take a lot of time to heal. You have a right to feel everything that your feeling right now and just try to take it one day at a time. Hugs to you!
Dx Bipolar II Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/18/2009 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I thank you guys for all your positive insight, I now have1 one more dilemma thats eating me alive...I have very little time here till I depart back to SD. she hasnt shown any signs of at least being a friend. We have spent about 20mins together in the past 3 weeks. I asked several times in the most calming voice I can use if that me and her could at least (more her) try to spend what little time is left with me? Even its me giving her a bath or a back rub??? We havent been intimate for some time, but thats not what im looking for..Should I even try to ask one last time? I dont even mind if its us crying on each others shoulders.. I just would like an acknowledgment that i was here and im leaving, soon. Like this Sat...???? TIA!!!!!

Post Edited (eddiebaby) : 2/18/2009 6:15:17 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 2/18/2009 7:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Eddie,

I just wrote a long post and lost it. I hate when I do that. But the jist of it all is to let things happen as they may. I wouldn't put any pressure on her right now. Especially if you want to remain friends. Try to take things one day at a time and stay in the moment. That is the best thing to do.

By the sound of it, your mom needs you now and if you put her best interest at heart, things will work out for you for the best. And as Hope said, this isn't your fault. It is just the way that it is right now.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 2/19/2009 8:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Well when you asked her what did she say? And the obvious is there, you shouldn't have to ask. If she wanted to spend the time with you she would of. I know it's a tough time right now but you have to let this go and move forward. Hang in there! And hugs!
Dx Bipolar II Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


eddiebaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 2/19/2009 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I chose not to ask, and to leave it as it is. I dont want to force her, or make it seem like im desperate (but I am of course). Im an adult, But I did find some disturbing messages on an old phone of hers. (I shouldnt have been nosey, but im desperate for answers that only she can give) Messages were to her ex GF in Sep. 08. Messages that were disturbing to me, and almost answering a doubt I have been thinking of. Im not gonna confront her about it, and just see how things end, or go...???
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