Okay, I am really sorry. Late me just state right here and now that I am having my very own public meltdown. This meltdown makes the ones my daughter used to have at three look like nothing. So, if you are not up to reading this please feel free to move on. ....And if you feel the earth trembling at some point it's probably me stomping my feet.
I need to pull myself together and get my act together. I have been so depressed and "low-functioning" as my therapist stated that I have been downright irresponsible. I just spent 3/4 of my day filling out remediation and appearance paperwork to bring to the courthouse and send to my bank's attorneys and everyone else that was recently named in the summons/foreclosure papers that I just received. I spent almost 2 hours going to the courthouse to personally deliver these forms and sent four packets out to other parties via certified mail.
I come home to start a little bit of homework before I have to start doing my financial statements that I will need for the remediation. But first I picked up my mail and what do ya know...I received a policy cancellation statement for non-payment of my auto insurance policy. As this was not the first time that this has happened my insurance agent was not able to get my policy reinstated. Thus, at this very moment he is calling around for quotes from other carriers. He doubts that I will be able to get another policy because of my credit...you know currently being in foreclosure and all. I may end up in some sort of "pool" that has astronomical rates.
The other day my therapist said I am functioning at a very low-level. I haven't been able to keep everything together. I have two kids and I need to be together. I am so mad at myself for being so stupid and irresponsible. I have two children and I need to have a healthy and responsible household for them. I don't know what it will take, but I swear to whatever higher power might be out there that if I can live and survive through the auto, the house and all the other bills piling up.....that I'll find a way to be a better person.
But in the meantime I know I am fully responsible for finding a way to handle all of this correctly - like a normal adult. But I still hate this depression. I hate who it has made me into. I hate the good parts of myself that it has taken away. I hate that the medicine has made me fat and uncaring. I hate that I'm not being the kind of mom I should be. I hate that I can no longer be proud of who I am. I hate that I can no longer feel happy and only feel pain - when I am able to feel at all.
I guess I'm done for now. Perhaps I'll take some of my Xanax and crawl under my covers. My girls are with their dad until tomorrow night so I can feel free to spend some more of my own time irresponsibly.