am i in the right place?

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uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/21/2009 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
hi, im fumbled across this site while looking for free counseling my area..i havent had any luck.
i just feel like rt now is positively absolutely the most difficult/horrific/scary/...time in my life & i feel like i am a-l-o-n-e..no where to turn, just no resources--anywhere! reading other posts,
im unsure if depression would correctly describe what i am going thru, although i feel like ishhh about life. i do realize it can/will get better, i just don't kno where to start..how to start...basically, i have been a stay @ home mom since i was 17 yrs. old, now 30, with 3 children. their father has Always been controlling. he was like a father to me, i guess, looking back now, but it took so long to see things for what they really are/always were.especially when i met him at 14, he was 18 & he took care of me financially from then until present. i feel i have been in this bubble, away from all reality..its so typical, but of course he cut me off from my family & friends even tho i have since those days, began talking with family members, None are supportive..no one is willing to help..& the friends i trust are here to listen & give advise, but i need RESOURCES. it took soooo dagGon lOng, but now that i have Finally grown up & have become aware that there is actually life beyond him, i'm Stuck. or i feel like it anyway. my youngest will be going to school full time in sept, but in the meantime, what!!
the man i have been for about 15 yrs is is in control of all & every aspect of everything. i have all the responsibilities & none of the control & it can drive a women INSANE! i have no access to anything. i have to ASK for every dollar... i blame myself. i do. but i feel like this- here we are ~ so now what. he does not support me in that i can depend on him to actually watch the kids-ever- for me to get up & do anything.every woman has a story & there is soooooooo soooooo much more to this one. i just want to get a feel if im in the right place. because at times i must say, i feel depressed. but like i said, as i read some of these other posts, with people being on medicine to fully function daily, i'm unsure. i do feel like i failed in many ways, but on the other hand, i do see a light at the end of the tunnel, without the meds. i just need advice on being with a verbally abusing, cheating, controlling individual who brings me down on a daily basis. im trying to raise 3 children the right way & feeling stuck in this situation makes it difficult!!!
my goal is to eventually get a job where i can afford to leave & take care of the kids. i am taking a civil service county test in march, & have high hopes for the outcome of that. i feel that will be a window of opportunity for me, even tho i do have slight anxiety being around adults alot...(remember my bubble)
i got past being used to it alli...im done & ready to leave this twisted warped "comfort zone"....past being hurt, semi done crying(over him anyway) ugh..i have to stop writing now because im feeling none of what i am saying is coming across as i would have liked it to.

jacq
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/22/2009 4:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Uptown,

I understand exactly where you are coming from - I used to live a life like that. You are doing better than I did though - I did get mightily depressed living like that and even attempted suicide as a result - a dreadful thing to do when you have children, but you end up feeling so bad about yourself (and that somehow you deserve to be treated so badly) that you think being out of their lives is doing them a favour. Of course that is not right, but it is how I ended up feeling. Leaving that abusive horrible man was the best thing I ever did - and it saved my life too. It sounds like you have plans and that is fabulous - I left in a big sudden catastrophic way, and that made it much harder. So you planning sounds great - open your own bank account - your running away from home account - and get working and get organised. NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. Not for any reason. Good luck - and the other suggestion here was excellent - see someone about it all in the meantime - it will help and give you strength and support. You will need both. Cheers...

uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/22/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
wow..thank u ladies for taking the time to read
it meant alot this morning looking & seeing u all responding..
.even that is Very encouraging rt now :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 2/22/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Uptowngirl,

Welcome to HealingWell.  We are so glad that you decided to join us. 

Please don't blame yourself for your situation.  You were very young when you got into this relationship.  Controlling men seem to prey upon that.

My first husband was like that.  I was with him for 23 years until he died of cancer.  I am now in a good relationship with a very loving man.  I don't know how to act sometimes. 

My first husband didn't even want me to work.  So I stayed at home with a sheltered life like you.  Once somebody asked me if I feel like a mushroom. lol...

There is one resource that I can give you to check out until you find a doctor or counselor.

http://moodgym.anu.edy.au/welcome

This is a free cbt program and I have heard people have had good results with it.  So I hope that it helps you some.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/22/2009 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   

thank u...thank u-just for taking the time~when people have been thru similiar situations it gives me hope.i am not married to this man, he reminds me "that im nobody's wife" every other day.i think thats the biggest obstacle for me aside from everything else. if we where married, i could possibly leave..like yesterday! but being that everything he's  built over the years, house, good credit, ect...w/o me, i have nothing to my name xept unpaid medical bills, giving me bad credit w/o any credit at the same time.....we agreed that i would be a stay home mom, but now that times are rough finacially, he's pushing me out the door to go to work. i would love to work. to get past my fears & be out of the house sometimes, making my own $...but there is no one to watch to my children.my youngest is 4.. no one that can care for them properly anyway..he wont pay for childcare, & he won't assist me in watching them himself. he says his mother will watch them. she's 70 yrs old & needs a babysitter herself! i dont want my children to turn into a burden for there grandmother..i want them to enjoy eachother, like it should be...i feel like im going crazy most of the time, because i have to hold everything in so the kids don't see me break. even though they have seen me at my worst,,& i vow to never let that happen Again..i try to get it all out at night, when they are asleep & he is gone..just cry & pray & rant & rave & feel sorry for myself & more so the children....i try to push my feelings of insignifigance away & reminde myself that i am playing a major part in my childrens lives & every move i make has an impact on them. its tough tho..because those feelings are so strong. when u dont feel good about urself those feelings so easily take over. but i do kno in my heart i am good person, a good women,,a good mother. no matter what any man says about me.my family knos the situation is abusive but i dont even talk to them about any of it anymore because its been overlooked so many times. his family is all in agreement that since i've done "nothing" all these years, i have no right to be on the house, afterall, its not mine, he paid for it. they say i've brought nothing to the table. mind u, my oldest son has been on the high honor roll for as long i can remember, he has recieved numerous awards for citzenship & his writing abilities. he is musically inclined, & has an A average! my little ones are the same way! i'm not just twiddling my thumbs over here! my house is clean, i cook everynight. i take the children to all of there activities. i Find activities for them to do...i mean really. my days are FILLED..form mornign until night..i am a stay at home mom for goodness sakes! on top of it i feel like ishhhhhhh most of the time while im doing it all...but i hide it. but ask his family & im "spoiled rotten ruined"wow.unfathomable. all while hes a strip joints.smoking  & drinking,, spending money on women. its just not fair. my 6 yr old informed me the other night that she doesnt think sh'ed be able to live w/o me, because i am her first love..(wow),,& then went on to say but she thinks she could live w/o daddy, beacuse it's like she is already. that saddens me.

well, basically, i feel like i have been in treatment here at home, by myself. reading, praying, alot of self help techniques. jsut to make me feel like a worthy citizen, doing my part in life. it has gotten better. ive learned as long as i keep my mouth shut, there will be no confrontations. and as long as there are no confrontations, there is peace in my home. i just cant stand the thought of my children looking back thinking i was weak beacuse i kept my mouth shut when there father lashed out on me..but its either ignore it & it goes away, or confront it & its an ugly showdown...i pray they understand why i do the things i do & one day they can look back on it all & realize i am doing/did my best to get us out of a bad place.

 


Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/22/2009 2:52:28 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 2/22/2009 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   

I can see you are doing what is easiest at the time in spite of you not being happy.  I guess we do what we have to to keep peace and make sure that everybody is happy except ourselves.  But is it the right thing to do? 

You still have rights even though you aren't married.  If you were to leave, and take the children, he would have to pay you child support.  So you do have options. 

Has he ever physically abused you?  Or is it mostly emotional abuse?  I just hope he does'nt get physical towards you.  That makes things seem better, though emotional abuse is abuse. 

You might like getting out to work.  You can pay for child care with the money that you make if you have to.  I am sure that you could find somebody who will work with you until you start getting a pay check. 

There are no easy answers in your situation.  I can understand why you keep quiet and try not to make waves.  That becomes a habit for survival.  But eventually you will need to do something for yourself.  Keep praying, hopefully things will work out on their own.  But you, my friend, are going to get to a point where you need to be treated right and will want some freedom.  You might even want to regain some of the youth that you will figure that you have lost. 

I really hope that things work out for you, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


jacq
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/22/2009 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again, Uptown girl!

And once more, I feel for you because I was there. And it was awful, but it sounds like you have just tremendous children and guess who takes the credit for that!! YOU! I am very impressed that you have doen so well with them despite your difficulties. And yes, Karen is right - being a stay at home mum gives you plenty of rights to property and income. Your plan sounds good, although you would need to make sure you manage the money - if it goes into a joint account you will never see it! (Been there too!) Find a counsellor to help with your plans - they will become a rock for you when you make the big move. And you need to - you will look back one day (like I do now) and wonder why you didnt do it years earlier. He and his family will try every nasty trick in the book to control you and get you back and deprive you of what you are entitled to - so you need good support to get you through. THe feeling of loneliness is strong and created by abusive men to control you and keep you weak and vulnerable. You will gain your freedom though when you break free and no amount of money can compare to that great feeling! You can be YOU again, and you can be yourself for your kids. What a gift that is to give them... All my love and lots of luck.

uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/22/2009 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
thanx jacq!
i really got chills when u said "You can be YOU again".thats it..in a nutshell.
do u kno of any councelors that help with this sort of thing?
i am not married, so it wouldnt be an actual divorce.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 2/22/2009 9:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that she means any mental health counselor would help you with a plan to get some normalcy into your life. Help you with steps to get on with your life. But I could be wrong. Just be patient and we can discuss this throughout the forum and maybe give you some direction as to what to do.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


jacq
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/22/2009 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Not sure where you live! Start with the phone book I guess or ask your doctor maybe? So i am not sure about the law as it applies where you live either, but here in Australia it makes very little difference. The main thing the law here (and I am guessing it is not so different in other places) is that the kids are well cared for. Regardless of whether their parents are legally married or not. Again, a counsellor can help, but work on getting yourself organised and happy - no point staying there and being miserable because of "legal" reasons! Life is too short - you need to make the most of every bit you have left! You go girl!!

uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/23/2009 8:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I have never been subjected to any kind of Help or anyone reaching out like this!
I so appreciative of WOMEN right now!!!! wOW~very overwhelming to me.
i live in southampton new york, Suffolk County.

mANY thank to everyone reaching out,
U have no idea what this means !!!!!!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/23/2009 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello uptowngirl,

This is Kitt and I am just checking in to say hello and let you know you have received great advice from our wonderful members.

I have been MIA lately and sorry I have not been more available but I do support you and I am very glad to hear we are meeting your expectations.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/24/2009 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank You So much for doing that research 4 ME.
I have looked into a few, one imparticular seems to be just right for what I Think I need,
Its an overwhelming feeling just to speak w/ people who deal w/ situations like mine & don't just brush me off as CA-raZy. Not only do they not brush me off as crazy...but my feelings are Actually Validated in a way!

I cannot thank u enough Frances_2008. Really, I just can't.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 2/24/2009 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I am in tears right now, tears of joy. To see how you have helped uptown girl. You really did a very sweet thing for her and I wanted you to know that.

Keep on being you,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/24/2009 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
THERE REALLY IS HELP OUT THERE.
I AM SHOCKED & I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THESE RESOURCES ARE NOW AT MY FINGERTIPS.
U MUST UNDERSTAND, I AM NOT COMPUTER SAAVY & HAVE MORE OR LESS THOUGHT OF ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET TO BE A SCAM OR HAVE A CATCH..I DECIDED, RELUCTANTLY, THE OTHER NIGHT TO JUST
I GOOGLE ONLINE COUNSELING & WAS LED TO A POST SOMEWHERE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, WHERE A GIRL WAS TRYING TO FIND THE SAME SORT OF THING... A GUY HAD RESONDED TO HER POSTING, about HEALING WELL...SAYIGN U HAVE TO SIGN UP, BUT IT'S FREE & ITS WORTH IT....SO HERE I AM.....
& I BELIEVE MY PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED AS WE SPEAK-LITERALLY.
"LORD, PLEASE SEND ME RESOURCES"..THAT HAS BEEN MY PRAYER FOR SOME TIME NOW.
HE HAS SENT ME FRANCES....THRU THE INTERNET! OF ALL PLACES.
ITS JUST UNBELIEVABLE 2 ME!!


WELL, KAREN. UR NOT THE ONLY ONE IN TEARS :)

jacq
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/24/2009 5:51 PM (GMT -7)   
The internet (like many things) brings out the best and worst in humanity, but the best is what keeps us going! I am so happy for you - I fought my battles alone and had pretty much given up on other human beings - they only caused me pain. Its sites like this that help me to build up trust in others - bit by bit. You and your darling children have a long difficult road ahead, but if those of us around the world via our computers can ease the load just a little then we will do our best - as you can see! So lots of luck with those difficult first steps, but they are the hardest ones. Once you are on the journey you will see the light ahead and we will all be here to help. Lots of love. J.

uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/25/2009 11:43 AM (GMT -7)   
hI frances,
u kno ive been trying to figure out how to save the entire email.
even tho hes still computer illiterate id like to save them ino a personal file somewhere.
i dont have a printer,
but if i have to copy it down by hand, i dont mind.
i wont be able to do that until later this evening tho
i will let u kno when i have figured it out..
i have to run rt now tho.
THANK yOU xo

uptowngirl
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/27/2009 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
got it. everything is copied now, safely.

things have actually been going smoothly the past couple of days, which happens from to time on this rollercoaster ride..but my confidence has been boosted, knowing people have my back, so the confusion & fog @ times like these, evaporates a bit more easily than the last time, and its easier for me to see things clearly, for what they really are, which was always something i struggled w/
(things being really bad, then "good"..then me believing it will stay "good")
i realize now, & really always have known in my heart, that even when its "good" its not close to gOOD. its twisted & its manipulation & its nothing healthy, for anyone involved. i kno i deserve better.
and Thank the good Lord above, I have no problem w/ being alone.
I look to my future & i am Excited. I realize there will be obstacles & struggles trying to provide, some lonliness from time to time, but I am Excited & look forward to great things..i think it was u who said,,gettin me back,,because somewhere i got lost along the way,,but i love who i am, who i was & i cannot Wait to be just ME!!!

Big Squeezes & Bear Hugs Francesxo

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 2/27/2009 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I am truly happy that you are feeling good about yourself. Try to keep that frame of mind. I know how it is to see things in different ways, we are not always sure of which way is the right way. But often they both are. And in time you will see things for what they are.

You are a good person, remember that. And you are in the right. Manipulative men can really be a head trip. I use to be married to one. I blamed myself for everything. But it did all work out for the best in the end.

You are a strong person. And I know that as long as you keep trying, things will be okay. Keep your childrens and your best interest at heart. Especially your children, as it seems you are already doing. You will get through this and be smelling like a rose. Best wishes to you...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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