DEPRESSED DUE TO BIPOLAR SPOUSE

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GSAVA1
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Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/27/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I am severly depressed.  I am the one who figured out that my wife is Bipolar about 2 years ago.  But like most people who suffer from it, she is bad about taking her medicine.  And, when she is under stress it aggrevates her bipolar symptoms.  She is very mean and hurtful to me when she is stressed or has an episode.  She would go from talking about having kids to wanting a divorce.  Everything always ends up beinng my fault (according to her).  I even get blamed for her not findg clothes to wear for work.  I love her when she is herself but when she has episodes she is abusive.  I dont know what to do.  I have put up with her abuse because I knew it was her illness but I am getting burnt out!  My therapist says that i am handling everything correctly but then why am i in so much pain.  Please help ASAP!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 2/27/2009 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi GSAVA1,

If your therapist says that you are doing all the right things then you are. It is hard to live with somebody with bipolar disorder, as you know. Especially when they don't take their medicine.

You are doing something wonderful by tolerating her manic episodes. I would insist that she takes her medication. You can't change her, all you can change is your attitude about the situation.

I hope that you have the patience to see this through. But if you can't, don't beat yourself up over it. You know that you have tried and given it your all.

I hope that you keep posting. I am sure others will be along with some more advice.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/27/2009 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   
SHE GETS EXTREMLY ANGRY AND DEFENSIVE WHEN I ASK IF SHE TOOK HER MEDICINE!  SO HOW DO I MAKE SURE SHE TAKES HER MED?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 2/27/2009 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I would insist on it, let her get angry all she wants. Explain to her that you cannot tolerate her when she doesn't take her meds. You have to be honest. Hopefully she will eventually see the difference too. Be insistant. Let her know that this is hurting you. You don't have to be mean or anything. You care and that is why you want her to feel good. And you want to be happy too.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
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   Posted 2/27/2009 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to HealingWell, this is Kitt.

Treatment of bipolar disorder involves medications known as "mood stabilizers." Lithium (Eskalith, Lithobid) is the most commonly prescribed mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder, but some anticonvulsant medications, including valproate (Depakote) or carbamazepine (Tegretol), also can have mood-stabilizing effects and may be used in the treatment of bipolar disorder.

I hope your wife is on one of the mood stablizers as this can really make a difference in her moods.
 
I do not have a great answer for you but I can tell you need to take care of you too.  Please do that and talk with your therapist on how to master the art of making sure your wife takes the responsiblity for her meds.
 
Bless you
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


CassandraLee
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 2/28/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi GSAVA1:

I can't even begin to imagine the position your wife has placed you in.  It is great that you have come here for help.  I just wanted to note however, that I have done a lot of reading from the other boards too in trying to get answers to my own questions about myself.  You should also check out the BiPolar board.  I have noticed that there is an even mixture of spouses of spouses with Bipolar and they often support and give each other advise to questions such as your own.  Perhaps you could find even more answers there?

I will be thinking of you.  Hang in there.

Cass

 


GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED ABILIFY BUT SHE HAS NEVER TAKEN IT.  THAT IS THE PROBLEM, SHE HATES TO TAKE MEDICINE.  SO SHE FORGETS TO TAKE IT OR IF MANIC DOESNT FEEL SHE NEEDS IT.  IT IS A CONSTANT FIGHT TO GET HER TO TAKE HER MED.  I AM SO BURNT OUT FROM STRESS OF DEALING WITH THE UPS/ DOWNS, STRESS FROM WORK, ETC.  I LOVE HER BUT I AM SO TIRED OF BEING A PUNCHING BAG.  EVEN THOUGH I AM 6 FT3 AND SHE IS ONLY 5 FT 1, SHE REALLY HURTS ME (EMOTIONAL/ PHYSICALLY).  WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH.  ITS HARD FOR ME TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HER.

Agmaar
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 2/28/2009 10:36 AM (GMT -7)   
The mood swings are tough.
 
Maybe this is a little easier to understand if you think of it in terms of the grief cycle.  Google it or find a good book on the grief cycle.  It just sounds to me like she is stuck between the denial and anger phases.  That's a tough place to be.  I went thru that for several years when my wife wouldn't accept that she had a seizure disorder. 
 
I would guess she's not "forgetting" at all.  She's not taking her med because she thinks she doesn't need it - and she thinks she doesn't need it cause she thinks she isn't bipolar.  Can you even get her to go to counseling?  Same thing - why go to counseling if she's not bipolar. 
 
Anyways, that's where the anger is coming from when you try to get her to take her meds.  I've seen it too. 
 
It's really tough when someone gets hung up in the grief  cycle and can't move on.  It will help you to read about it tho.
 
And it's hard - but please quit taking the anger and the mean things she says personally.  I know it's difficult, but that's not really her - it's the bipolar condition and the anger phase of the grief cycle.  There's no reason for you to internalize this stuff and take it seriously.
 
Unfortunately, everyone has to come to acceptance of an illness at their own pace.  It takes time - and that can be agonizing for others who are affected by it.  This is a good thing to dicsuss with your therapist.
 
 
Rich
 
Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae
 
"... expect the unexpected ..."  (O. Wilde)
 
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." (Mark Twain)
 
 


GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/28/2009 12:23 PM (GMT -7)   
HOW DO YOU NOT TAKE THE MEAN THINGS TO HEART?  IF WASNT COMMING FROM HER IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER TO DO!  WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH.  I AM BURNT OUT.  I HAVE LET MYSELF GO DUE TO THE STRESS.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 2/28/2009 1:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I take abilify and it works wonders. I wish that she would take it. I think that it would really help her.

I understand if you can't take it anymore. Maybe it is time to have a serious talk with her and let her know how you feel. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to her about your feelings. You might need to take a break from this relationship in order to help yourself. I know that sounds awful. But you have to think about yourself too.

I hope that she gets better and starts taking her meds soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
You mentioned that she abuses you physically as well as emotionally. This compounded by her refusal to take her medicine and the emotional abuse she heaps on you sound like "enough" to me. Just because you are a man doesn't make this any more acceptable. For your own well being, you have every reason and right to leave her without feeling any guilt.

It doesn't sound like anything else you have done has helped. By leaving her, it might be the wakeup call that is needed. If not, you will at least be on the road to helping deal with your own depression because you took an active step to remove yourself from a harmful situation.
 
(BTW, my medicated bipolar spouse agrees that you should remove yourself from the situation for your own health and safety.)

Post Edited (theronson) : 2/28/2009 9:30:34 PM (GMT-7)


Agmaar
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 3/1/2009 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel like you can improve your situation by changing the way you view it.  So I'm going to keep trying :-)
 
Here is a link to the five stages of grief:
 
 
Quoting directly from the info on the website:
 
Denial:
 
"Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored."
 
Anger
 
"Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset."
 
It is helpful to understand that her objectional behavior is due to her illness and her trying to adjust to her illness.
 
There is actually a choice for you to make.  You can take everything she is saying personally, get even more depressed, and tell yourself you are a bad person in some way.  When we do this, we go on the same roller coaster ride as the person who is ill.
 
or
 
You can recognize she is in denial, anger, or manic espisode and remain detached and objective.  You can tell yourserlf, "Oh wow, she is still really in the Anger phase.  I'll have to be patient while she continues with her adjustment."
 
I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult position.  I have been thru something similar.  It really really helped me to remain detached when my wife was in an anger episode. 
 
I hope this helps in some small way.  One purpose of this forum is give people an opporunity to vent and get it all out.  Another is to learn an alternative way of looking a situation.
 
 
Rich
 
Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae
 
"... expect the unexpected ..."  (O. Wilde)
 
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." (Mark Twain)
 
 


ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 3/1/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
GSAVA1,

Hi I am the spouse of theronson and I am Bipolar. I have read your situation and you need to leave and get out of there. I am on a support group and on my medication. I know if I am not on them, I am irritable and angrey for no reason. You need to think of your safety first. If you leave this might be the wake up call she needs. You can not help her until she is ready to help herself. I also do not like taking my medication since I have to talk other pills for my heart condition. But I know if I do not take my Bipolar medication it will ruin my life and marriage. When I was not on my medication I felt like my life was chaos but I did not know how to control it or even care if I did. Until she stays on her medication and keeps on it she will not care about herself or others around her. I have been on my medication for about 7 months and do not want to ever go back to the way I was. You are justified in leaving her since she will not help herself. If she is just punching you now what is not to say she will not get more violent has she gets worse. We Bipolar's do not get better unless we stay on our medication and we can not "get over it" either. You have to find the courage to save yourself.


Bipolar Spouse.

GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 3/10/2009 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I AM SO CONFUSED AND HURT. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PART OF ME GETS HURT/ UPSET WHEN MY WIFE TALKS about A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR EVEN THOUGH I know we need one.  I guess that I am just afraid that they will say to leave her because she is abusive. Its just when she has her episodes she is very distant from me or mean to me.  But, then she will have moments where she feels good and its the woman that I fell in love with.  i have a lot of trouble no taking her actions or words personal and it has really taken a toll on me.  Disrupts my sleep and stresses me out.  When its good its great but when its bad..............!  i always worry which wife will come through the door.  she doesnt see a lot of the pain she causes due to the illiness and if i bring it up she gets extremly defensive.  she hates taking her medicine because she feels like (in her mind) a freak because she has to take a pill to feel normal.
 
Reminder your caps lock is on..........this makes it hard to read and also is consider as shouting on the boards.

Thanks
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/11/2009 4:45:51 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 3/10/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Tell her she is not a freak. A lot of us have to take medications to be 'normal'. It is not just mental, it is a physical thing we need to do. Just like a diabetic needs a shot to be able to be well, we need medication.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


chappie
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/11/2009 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I have heard a alot of great words from the posts that I just read...it took me many years to relize that meds are a positive thing , not something a person should look negetively on...being ADHD and bi-polor makes for a long day sometimes...noone should have to take any sort of abuse for any reason...your wife is in denial and is making life unbearable for you as her husband...you only have one life so you cannt say that maybe the next time it will be different..if you have done all your work with her and have put your best into it then it is time to move on....I believe your wedding vows did not include taking abuse from your wife...there are hundreds of women out there that will appreciate a man who cares.....try and then move on....I will pray for you and your wife.God bless you.....

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/11/2009 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   

GSAVA1

Anyone can give you advice and tell you to leave your wife or even a trial separation but in the end it is your decision.  No one can tell you what to do.

This is where you need to look at the pros and cons and if you love this woman and are willing to continue to try to help her or leave.

I will say a prayer for you to help you in your decisions.  Either way you are in a tough spot right now.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 3/12/2009 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
WE ARE TRYING TO GET INTO SEE A THERAPIST. BUT I GUESS MY INTERNAL STRUGGLE IS WHAT IS MY BREAKING POINT.  SHE GOES FROM BEING VERY DISTANT AND COLD TO TRYING TO FIND A CLOSER HOME FOR US TO LIVE IN SO THAT I WOULDNT HAVE SUCH A LONG COMMUTE.  SHE WILL ACTUALLY SAY THAT SHE FEELS EXHAUSTED BUT WIRED.  I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN SHE IS HERSELF BUT WHEN SHE IS DOWN/ AGGETATE IT GETS BAD.  ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE IS ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK.  SHE USES THAT AS ESCAPE FROM REALITY.  MY PROBLEM IS THAT I FOCUS SO MUCH ON OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS THAT I NEVER TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I NEED TO LEARN TO BE SELFISH.  I WILL FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE BUT I AM AFRAID MY SANITY WONT MAKE IT THROUGH THE PROCESS.

GSAVA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 3/17/2009 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife just started taking abilify today. How long before she would start to see improvements?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 3/17/2009 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I felt improvements pretty quickly. Though it can take up to four to six weeks before the full effect. I am really happy about this. I hope that it works for her.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 3/17/2009 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
GSAVA1,

I wanted to wish you the best with your wife's situation. I hope the Abilify kicks in asap. Please let us know of her progress.

Olivia
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator
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florida guy
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 3/18/2009 12:45 AM (GMT -7)   
 

Hi GSAVA1,

You're not alone, im in the 5th yr of being with a  girlfreind that behaves identical to your wife.  I can relate to everything

you describe, i'm sorry! In my case, shes medicated for yrs, self medicates with alcohol, we are not married and we live in our own seperate homes, (we tried living together years ago and it was impossible for both of us)  I am a very understanding, loyal, accomodating boyfreind, I have tried everything to make this work and regardless she treats me like crap. For the first time, I have really had enough of this, i'm tired and going to have to accept this isnt going to ever work.   shakehead


Jezzie51
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 3/18/2009 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your wife. Whatever decision you have to make. Hope the abilify kicks in swiftly and with great results. Leaving a marriage with a person you love is hard and you may have a hard time with guilt thinking you left a sick person. However you must keep in mind hers is not a rational decision to not take her meds. It is the disease that tells her she doesn`t need them. The facebook addiction is another hurdle all in itself. Am sorry for all you are going through. Keep venting and take care of yourself you are a person too and it is so hard living with mental illness.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 3/18/2009 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Florida Guy,

I wanted to take a minute and welcome you to the depression forum. I hope that you enjoy coming here. There are a ton of wonderful members on this board.

Keep posting, start a thread of your own if you wish. Also there is an introductory thread that you can go on and tell us a little about yourself.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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