My Thoughts....I Need to Think Out Loud

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 2/28/2009 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   
This isnt for anything special, I just need to get some things out of my head right now. Im doing lots of thinking right not. I have an appt with a Pdoc Monday. Im really scared and nervous about it. Its a new place with new people and I dont know what to expect at all. Any advice on that?
 
Also, Im getting off my Lyrica. I started skipping doses last week, and yesterday I missed. I am having a very hard time dealing with the withdrawal, but Im following the docs instructions. Its been 15 months so I can imagine my body is having trouble adjusting to life without it. I have been in a bad mood all day. Just staying in bed. Hurting more. Feeling quiet, lifeless. Everything is bothering me, over-sensitive to sounds and everything. Feeling paranoid about things. I just took it a while ago and already I feel a little better. So, Im worried about life without my Lyrica. Im starting to wonder if Im doing the right thing. But, I dont want to live life full of meds. Nor a life of pain. Between a rock and a hard place.
 
Mentally, Im not here right now. Im off in my own world, thinking. Imagining. Im not fully here. I cant help but wonder about everything. Am I doing the right thing. Will people understand me. Im just not sure. I feel locked up from the world and letting the world know Im here is the hardest thing ever. I cant talk to people. Im stubborn and I hold everything in. How am I going to get past that.
 
I am SO stuck right now. I am only expressing my thoughts here. I feel so trapped. In a round box. Im so far away from reality. I feel like I should be locked up. I need to be away from people. Quiet. I need to figure things out. I havent found my place nor a purpose. Why do things have to be this way. I know its so common for people like us to feel this way. But, I still feel so alone. No one understands what I feel or how I view life or the world. I observe. I analyze. I see. But, I dont understand. I dont see meaning. Nor purpose.
 
Im so lost right now. Im really stuck and my feelings are all over the place. Everything is rocketing through my head. Through my eyes. And I dont know what to do. What to say. Where to go. Lifeless and meaningless is what is running through my veins. I know something is wrong, but I cant do anything. Im cornered. Somethings wrong with me, I feel it, I know it. My mood, my personality, me, I've changed and I dont approve. I dont like who I am. I hate what I feel. I dont understand what I see.
I only wish to vent this stuff and get it out. I suppose this is my 'diary'.... I just need to talk right now. I have to get all this out. Its killing me. Its overwhelming me. Its suffocating me. And I cant stand it any longer.
 
The end.
Lyrica(14 months) and Paxil(about 6+- months)-both helping some, but would like to see better results
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Please, I just need someone to talk, someone to tell me something. Im having an attack right now and everythings not what its supposed to be. Im not me. Trouble breathing. Crying. Im freaking out here. Im all jittery and I just cant handle it. I think Im surrendering. I need to. To someone. Anyone. I cant hold all these feelings in.. When I put my hands over my mouth, I scream so loud, it all comes out and I cant control it. All the pain and suffering I have inside is rupturing. What do I do. Im so tired of everything. Of even trying. I cant. I just know I cant. But, I can.

I had to write this. Im stuck in my room here and I was freaking out, I had to talk to someone. Even if no one replies. I had to get this out some... thanks.


Lyrica(14 months) and Paxil(about 6+- months)-both helping some, but would like to see better results
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I feel for you right now. I've been in the situation you're in, feeling like there's so much inside and you can't handle it all. It's frustrating, but hopefully it'll pass.

I'm going to log into chat now, so if you'd like to, I'll be there for you to vent some more if you need to get more off your chest!
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/1/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks bar, I appreciate the talk we had.

Last night, my friend who stayed over, we talked about all this. Out loud, yes thats a big deal to me! Im better today. Really exhausted mostly from fighting feelings yesterday and last night. It helped knowing I could come here though.

But, I suppose the point is that Im not like I was last night. My appt is tomorrow, I'll let you guys know how it goes... thanks
Lyrica(14 months) and Paxil(about 6+- months)-both helping some, but would like to see better results
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 3/1/2009 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

I am sorry sorry I wasn't here for you this morning. It sounds like you're having a tough time thinking about things.

The appointment with your pdoc sounds like this could be triggering you to get really anxious. I wish there was something I could say that could stop you having to feel this way. Though there is nothing-you are not alone hun. The thought of a new doc must be terrifying. I've been there myself, but eventually you get there, you get to know them, it's just the first step is always so hard.

I can understand how badly you want to be off the meds, that you don't want to be reliant on them. It must have been a hard choice for you to think about not taking them, but it's a harder decision to keep taking them. There is no advice here, because whether you take meds or not should be your choice. But, if I was in the same situation, I think I would be reluctant to actually stop the meds if stopping them is doing harm. That would be my choice, though does not have to be yours.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to come here and vent. I'm glad there is somewhere you can talk about your problems. I know we may not be there right by your side, but we are here in spirit for you.

I've probably not said much to help. But I just wanted to let you know someone was here thinking of you, and wishing you could feel calmer.

I hope things are better today.

I'm around on MSN, though hiding. I won't be up late though-I've been too tired this week. But, just say hello when you need to talk-if I am awake, I'll talk to you no problem hun.

Hugs
Gem x

EDIT: You know, that took me 10 minutes to write, as your latest post wasn't there when I started typing Christi. I'm getting slower lol


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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 3/1/2009 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I am so happy that you were able to come here to vent and to chat. That is what this place is for. I am glad that you utilized that. I hope that you are feeling better.

Don't be afraid of your pdoc. I know it is scarey at first. I went through that but mine turned out to be a really great person. And very helpful.

They will most likely recommend counseling for you. Which is good. And maybe some medications. I hope that you don't mind that. They do help. But I find counseling helps even more. I have a great therapist and I hope you find a good one too.

Remember that you can always email me. I am always close by when you need to talk. I wish that I would have been on last night, but it sounds like you found somebody to talk to and I think that is great. It sounds like it really helped to talk to Becky. Often that is all we need, to get things off of our chests.

Take care my friend, I hope that you are feeling better today.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/1/2009 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen and Gem. Means alot that you guys are here for me. Its okay that you werent here Karen. I made it through.. I stayed up all night talking to my friend. He always bugs me about talking to him, so I just did, but it irritated me because I kept telling him he didnt understand, or couldnt, and I could tell he was getting mad. So, I was getting aggravated I suppose.....But, Im okay.Thanks
Lyrica(14 months) and Paxil(about 6+- months)-both helping some, but would like to see better results
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 3/1/2009 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

Know that I am always here if you ever need to talk. I have a little blue envelope that comes on when I get an email from you. So it lets me know even if I am in another program.

I am sorry that you feel that your friend doesn't understand. But maybe you should talk a little to him, he might understand more than you think. I am happy that he is always trying to be there for you.

And you know that you can always come here to get some support. We all care about you, I think you know that or you wouldn't have posted. Duh... My brain for you...

Take care friend,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 3/1/2009 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey christi-

Good for you, talking to your friend. Even if he didn't understand, I think it's a good step for you that you spoke with him. Sometimes it's so much easier "talking" to us here because you know it won't change how we feel and think about you, whereas a friend might treat you differently.

Just remember tomorrow that she's just a person also, and she's there to help you.

I look forward to hearing how things went!
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12

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