Deal with one before the other.

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Cowboy up
Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 3/4/2009 10:37 PM (GMT -6)   
You guys will be sick of me pretty quick but if I dont keep trying to understand this I will get pulled in .When my wife spoke to the counselers today about her appointment they are setting up . She told them that she needed to work on her issues before trying to work on our marriage. confused I know this will be a long process but right now I just need to vent and do feel better just posting what I feel.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40386
   Posted 3/4/2009 11:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cowboy up,

She really has to work on her own issues first. If she doesn't take care of her first, it would be hard to say how working on the marraige would go. And she can only do one of these things whoeheartedly at a time. So it is better if she gets herself well first. Then she has a clean slate to work on the issues of her marraige. Besides at least you know that she does want to work at it and that she will be thinking more clearly when she does it. This is actually a good thing for you if you really think about it. I think she would only get more frustrated if she were to try to do this now.

Please have patience thoughout all of this. At least now she is trying. It may be baby steps for her, and one day at a time. It really looks like things are looking up for you. I hope it comes out the way that you want it to.

best wishes to you,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 3/5/2009 12:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Have you thought about scheduling some counseling visits for yourself? You've been carrying a heavy burden for a while and you have all kinds of frustrations and concerns. Talking about it with a professional will help a lot.

Eventually there will be a time for sessions with your wife. And we have to resist the temptation of viewing counseling as a way to "fix" another person. We can really only control how we will respond to the things going on around us.
Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae
"... expect the unexpected ..."  (O. Wilde)
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." (Mark Twain)

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/5/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey Cowboy,

I am glad you feel comfortable posting here.

I agree she needs to work on her issues and what is causing her to feel depressed, how to deal with depression and if she is to be on meds she will need time to see how they work.

IMHO is she is not in a better place herself she will not do well in marriage counseling.

Don't stop believing. 

I agree you may benefit from a counselor of your own.

Blessings to you




Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Cowboy up
Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 3/5/2009 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I have no insurance at all. I have really taken a lot of time to examine myself though and can see a lot of ways that I could have been a better husband. The problem was that as I look back at the our whole situation I beleive she was already in the early stages of the depression and I would get annoyed with things not being done . I knew that she had a heavy scheduel with school but I wasnt having a cake walk either . Working the extensive hours 6 and 7 days a week was taking its toll on me also. Now looking back at it I could have had a little bit better way of dealing with things and I have resolved this problem .The biggest thing is that I have learned from my mistakes and really am thinking things out and not being critical and just trying to be understanding. If she decides to never let go of things that I have said wrong I cant do anything about it. I just keep telling her that I love her, I beleive in her and I beleive in our marriage. All of these things I truly beleive to be true. I can see how she wants t focus on negative things but this is common to depression. It is hard because she doesnt see the positive things we have had in this relationship which there are many. It was a really important thing for my wife to have a baby I would look for excuses not to go to church on mothers day because it would break my heart to see my wifes eyes well up with tears when the pastor would have the mothers stand up to receive a flower or talk about the importance of being a mom . I would look for an excuse not to make it to church so it would not hurt her. Thank God we were fortunate enough to have a son who is now 2 and a half . Up to 2monthes ago we were talking about trying to have another baby. Like I said I guess it is normal for someone that is depressed to only see the negative things, but thats alright Because I am going to stick this out.

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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 3/5/2009 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I would venture to guess that you already knew that, right? Hearing it just makes it more true, and some things are hard to hear. You know she does need to work on her before she can work on you and her. You can make it, though. You're a strong guy! If it helps to vent, that's what you should do! I agree with the others that you should look into counseling for yourself. It could help you get through this time, and know how to help and be there for her.

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12

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