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mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/14/2009 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes writing gets me to organise my thoughts. Not looking for help (no hope), blessings from God, or suggestions of self forgiveness. This is just anonymous sharing. Sorry if this post saddens anyone.
Background (30 years): I believe that I've sufferred from chronic, low grade depression (dysthymia, my GP says) for about 30 years. I have had major depressive episodes during that time, one of which almost led to my death 19 yrs ago (still amazed that I survived). Loss of love (rejection by me or of me), and feelings of failure are the triggers.
Recent past (last 10 yrs): Father, husband, new house, stable job...good times. Wife becomes frustrated, angry, hostile after first baby, but she refuses seeking help. I try to understand and help, but over 2 yrs it affects me/us. After a failed 2nd baby, which was hard on my wife, follows another pregnancy and her negative behaviour increases. I consider leaving. Then I fall in love with another woman that began working at my place, and she begins to love me. She offers me to be with her, and will help me be a dad, too. After 3 confusing years, our jobs moved. I could have gone to work with her, or be at a school where my kids will be attending. I was torn between a chance for love, and a sense of duty to my family, and with a fear of the damage my leaving would cause. I chose duty, and she and I rarely saw each other. She was deeply hurt. I never said, "Good bye" properly. I couldn't. I buried myself in my kids' lives (24/7), at their school and at home. My summers are filled with busy family work, but I fall into despair whenever I'm alone.
Currently: She's married. I understand. I'm glad for her. I'm devestated. I'm wracked with guilt and regret. I sought GP help. On Cipralex, max dose now. Must take care of family, but want it all to end. Can't face another lonely summer. Thanks for taking the time to read this sad post. Bye.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/14/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

Can you turn your negative into a positive in your head. Look at the time you had with your friend as a good experience and even though it is over, you have fond memories. We never know what tomorrow will bring. So try to take your life one day at a time and live in the moment. That is the best advice that I can give.

I am sorry that your wife is depressed. I hope that she gets some help. It would be best for her and the whole family.

Let us know how things are going, get rid of the guilt. It is a wasted emotion. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Take care my friend, welcome to the forum. Keep posting as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/14/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your time.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/14/2009 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   

my thoughts,

Your taking the time to post to us sends me a message that you are reaching out and looking for help. We are here so please do talk to us about your sadness and feelings of depression.

Please keep this list of crisis numbers handy and remember you can be happy.  I know you will have to let go of the past and live in the moment but you can do this.  I have done it.  So I know it can be done.

U.S. Helplines


The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696 


Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357 


Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999

------Online Hotline Resources--------

SuicideHotlines.com

Befrienders International :: The Samaritans

Metanoia :: Online Therapists

www.selfinjury.com/index.html

Welcome to HealingWell, the best source on the net to find other people that know where your coming from and what you are going through.

Sincerely
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/14/2009 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Kitt. I'm not in the US, but appreciate the emergency contacts. I have local contacts, and have been offered psych services, but have declined.
My post was not intended as a 'reach out'. It helped me focus my mind, even for an hour. That's what doing right now instead of sobbing and having panic attacks. And I just have no support with whom to honestly speak, to reveal details mentioned above, and those which you have suggested with the contacts. The meds don't seem to work, and I've not had positive experiences with short term counselling or psychiatrists. I' m glad that they work for others, though.

I'm also glad that living in the moment has helped you. I'm sure that it helps others. For me, 5 years of trying to live in my moments with my kids has kept me going, but I'm so tired. I just am overwhelmed, angry with myself, and want it all to stop.

Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 3/14/2009 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand how sometimes getting things out of your head can help you sort things out. It sounds like a lot of factors have contributed to your sense of being overwhelmed. All of us here support one another, and anytime you feel like getting things out of your head, someone will be here to listen, if that's what you need.

You mention that you devote yourself 24/7 to your kids, but do you have any hobbies of your own. Anything that makes you happy, or just something that you enjoy and takes your mind off things? Maybe this would help.

Keep posting, you're not alone, and we understand your struggle.
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Seroquel, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12; phenergan, ultram, clonazepam as needed


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/15/2009 1:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Becky. I'm still awake, 22 hours later. Don't know if today's insomnia is from the Cipralex or my anxiety. Yes, I do try to have a hobby: exercise, downstairs before the kids awake. 8 h sleep, eat well, exercise and I can get through a day. But when I'm hammered by a trigger event (wife's miserable, or see the other woman's name on a list..now with a new last name), I'm 'knocked off the log'. Severe mood downturns disrupt my routine. Hence I have not excercised, or eaten much, since Wed. I've tried other things, usually concurrent with my kids hobbies (eg piano), but I get 'mood' disrupted and don't continue. School reports were due Thu, but mine are not in. I can't be bothered. Just couldn't go to work Thu or Fri (and thank Goodness it's now our March Break). I feel pathetic, and everything seems unreal, like it's not happening, and I can't believe that I didn't go with her 5 years ago, and I can't stand that she doesn't love me anymore, that she loves another, and I can't go on, and that I'm letting my kids down if I completely fall apart, and I don't want to hurt my wife with the whole truth, and I want to die.

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/15/2009 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, some asked for updates, so here I am, with two hours sleep, not eating. My famly knows that I'm troubled, especially after leaving for a long country walk to cry without being seen or heard. Now I'm sitting in a parking lot rear, trying to pull myself together to buy my daughter the 3rd Twilight book. Keep sobbing and hyperventilating. I have been waffling around the 5 stages of Grief for 8 years with all of these issues, and each issue often at a different stage: my marriage, not as it should be, nor do I want it to be anymore; my love for a woman that does not love me, because of me; my being (obviously) mentally ill, that is, something being horribly wrong with me. Failure. Hate myself. Miss being loved with intimacy, not anger. I decided 5 years ago that my kids' love would get me through. I would have done anything for them, even not leave, but it's not enough anymore. I thought that I didn't need anyone, that I could be emotionally alone. I thought that I could lead 2 lives, loving my family, but secretly missing her, accepting her moving on. I was wrong, again. Have to try to hold on. My youngest's birthday is this week...

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/15/2009 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
And I can advise myself, too. I know what a proper plan is: get stable with further medical intervention; wait again for the acceptance of her moving on and being happy (acceptance may come again); deal with the marriage issues (way easier said than done); keep loving your kids.

Yeh, I know the plan will work, but I'm so tired. I'm having my slight upswing, but it could crash again at any moment, up and down for days, weeks, months, years.

And now I feel together enough to enter the monster book store. Hope I don't see anyone that I know/teach/still love. Keep the shades on.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/15/2009 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad that you are going to the book store. Keep your children's best interest first. That way you can never go wrong. You have to put them before yourself and before your wife. That is the route to take. Things will work out as they are suppose to.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/15/2009 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Karen. I usually try to do 'kids first', although mental illness can interfere with what seems to be the correct action.
Just finished several anxiety attacks in the car while talking with my wife on the phone. Went over issues (that I mentioned in my earlier posts)(her idea to do it on the phone). No solutions, but no anger. She offered her feelings. Talked about hospitalisation tonight for me, but I'm going home again (no where else to go), and see what the night brings me. Maybe a few hours sleep. Go see the doc (GP) tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my rollarcoaster ride. It ain't over...

Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 3/15/2009 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
So from your posts, I see one theme....you're trying. Sometimes we have to just try. You don't have to do anything perfect. Sometimes you might even fail. But you just have to keep trying, and you're doing that.

I hope you get some sleep....on top of everything, not sleeping will only make things worse. Your emotions start going crazy with lack of sleep!
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Seroquel, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12; phenergan, ultram, clonazepam as needed


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/15/2009 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate your comments, Becky. Thanks.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/15/2009 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Becky....your post really rings true to me as I read it. "Trying" is a positive thing, even during very dark times, because it shows that we still have the will...albeit even a small will at times...to keep going. And yes, lack of sleep can change the way we see ourselves, our situations, EVERYTHING. I learned that myself, the hard way.

"Mythoughts": Please don't give up. I see a grain of hope in what you are saying, even though it is clear that you feel very bleak about things. You are wise to keep talking with your doctor and keep reaching out for an answer. Please keep trying....you are worth it.

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/16/2009 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Raniah. Got a few hours just now. Maybe more tomorrow. My daughter asked me to keep trying, too. She doesn't know the details, but knows that I am unwell. Hope that you, a new member, too, are trying.

Jezzie51
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 3/16/2009 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
If the writing(posting) helps keep doing it. That`s how I wound up here someone from my circle of support said writing a journal might help. I decided reading and writing here might help me and someone else in the process. All I will say in the form of advice is NOTHING is is insurmountable. Through out my life I have lost a sister when she was 23. At 39 my first husband died suddenly of heart attack. Remarried 4 years later only to have him die this past June of cancer. We had gotten to be together 7 years. I have days the despair seems like a lead curtain surrounding and smothering me. You have your kids and it would be great if you and wife considered counseling together and apart. I know her heart feels dead as mine does too. You can only lose so many things you love before you are afraid to love again(my fear is they will die if I love them). Keep posting you need the outlet.

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/16/2009 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate your comments, Jezzie51. I am sorry that you have had such loss in your life. I'm impressed with your emotional strength, although you may not feel so strong at times, as you say.
My update: GP fit me in today, and with my more forthcoming personal info, he has asked me to go down to the hospital that has the Emerg Psych, for an assessment. He's worried that I won't make it through the night, hence the immediate referral. I went home to see my family, take out the trash and switch vehicles, and the docs all started calling, wondering why I hadn't arrived. Guess they keep track of people like me.
Feeling up and down, but more steady. Yet I know that hopelessness is right around the corner. So now I'm sitting in the Emerg Psych's interview room, waiting. To have complete strangers (I hope) probe me with invasive questions (yech). And the police just brought in a more serious case. Now I hear screaming/ranting down the hall. I've experience with kids having serious mental health issues, but it's about me now, and I just want to leave...but I'll give them a shot.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/16/2009 2:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Mythoughts,

Just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you. Let us know what is going on.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Jezzie51
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 3/16/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
MY THOUGHTS Please keep us posted Am glad to see you seeking help. Just remember if you don`t get what you need keep looking. Never give up the fight against Depression. With support and proper guidance you can live a good life.

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/16/2009 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, again, Karen and Jezzie51.
I'm staying overnight in the Psych Emerg, since there are no beds on the psych wards. Promises of a sedative and plan review tomorrow. Maybe I'll eat tomorrow, too. They have a nice coffee shop here, as long as I can be 'buzzed out' of the area.
My phone's power is almost gone, so I'll be quick.
I wish that anyone who is reading this post is well, or will be soon.

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/17/2009 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm still here in a Emerg Psych bed. Calm. As if I'm just 'hanging out'. Could be leftovers of the Adavan (sedative) I got last night. I did sleep more (6 hours).
Nevertheless, I'm not feeling hopeful, as I started getting more depressed and anxious as I went to get a coffee last night. I know that I could go 'sour' at anytime, which I have of the past 5 days.
I'm just chillin', glad that I have my phone and can get a solid data and voice signal in here.
Breakfast is served, but I still don't want to eat. I'm sure that the food is good, and the staff work very hard here, but I lack interest.
Maybe an extra large, garbage can sized tea...

sad

Jezzie51
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 3/17/2009 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I know I have the same issues with not eating. Have lost 34lbs. Nothing seems to make me hungry, Never feel hungry anymore just make myself eat so I don`t fall away to nothing. Maybe cutting back on some of the caffeine might help. There are some very good decafs in tea and coffee now. Can`t have tea myself because of migraines but can still have my coffee but do drink the Folgers half caf. Has helped. Can tell the difference in my anxiety level when I have regular or half caf. Am glad to hear you are ok. Hang in there. Keep your chin up and looking forward to a healthy happy life. You can get there!

mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/17/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
You're right, Jezzie51. Decaf makes sense, although not eating means less energy, and that's where the caf is useful. Nevertheless, I'll consider decaf more.
I am hungry, but my self loathing causes me not to eat much, just crackers or bread to settle the stomach a bit. Kind of punishing myself, I guess.
I'm being moved to a psych bed upstairs. Still voluntary, but have been told that if staff consider me not ready to leave, and I try, my stay becomes involuntary. They are worried about my family's suicide history, and mine, too. My wife wants me to stay, too. Could be a few days, or weeks (yikes!).
Feeling very uneasy, but understand their position. I'm not a raving lunatic, but I have had a distressing weekend, filled with plans of ending my life.
I feel OK now, and want to go home. But everyone wants me to stay, so I'll stay. They nursing staff are professional and caring. Some of the docs so far, well, we might butt heads. I'll listen, but I won't be jerked around (treated impolitely...poor bedside manner). We'll see.

This is all overwhelming, but so is wanting to die. Getting to hospital was a prudent move.
shocked

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/17/2009 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Mythoughts, I am so glad you are seeking support and taking care of yourself by being there. I'm sure it is overwhelming - I can only imagine! - but you sound like you feel good about your choice and have adopted an accepting attitude about it. I hope each day gets better for you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/17/2009 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I am so glad that you posted. I think it is a wise decision to stay and see what there is to offer you. Hopefully you will get some good guidance there. Probably any medications that you may need. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks again for posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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