My mind is a mess

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weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/16/2009 1:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm not doing so well, I think it's because my meds aren't working. I've been on the new dose (which was a increase after 4 weeks of starting them) for 5 weeks now. All together been taking my meds for 9 weeks. I've been noticing that the mania has come back over the last week and I still have depression on and off. The thing is I really don't know what I have. My first appt with the Dr she said bipolar but she can't give me a definate diagnosis until we see how the meds work. Well there are different forms of bipolar, she never elaborated about what form it could be. I feel a little lost and my mind is just making everything a mess. I'm not sure if it's mania, anxiety or even adahd. And I have depression on top of this. I've noticed that the depression has never really gone away, it's always on and off. I've never been on a even keel. I am going make a appt with the Dr and try to get in next week because I have so many unanswered questions. And I'm just thrown for a loop about what's going on with me.
 
Sometimes I feel that maybe the reason I'm not doing so well is because my situation hasn't changed. I just stay home and use the computer for a way out. I know that I have plans to go back to school but I'm not excited about it. I feel scared, unsure about whether or not I'll really be successful, will it be something that I'll just give up on like everything else? I'm even scared to go to the college, almost like going to a place that's unknown to me. Not sure what door to go through and who I need to speak to. I feel timid about it. Is it me? Because I'm not really doing anything to change my everyday life or the meds aren't working? I find that I honestly just don't know HOW to change. I don't know how to cope other then what my life has consisted of for the last 3yrs. And it's sad because I'm not happy with how I've been living the past 3yrs. I'm mentally exhausted being a mom, I'm tired of feeling guilty as a mother, the guilt alone just eats me alive. I'm tired of feeling sorry for him because I feel like I do anything just to escape the everyday reality of being here with him. I know that he goes to daycare twice a week but the past few weeks it has been inconsistant because the provider ended up not being reliable. So last week I found someone else and actually a better place for him. He starts this week. There is just nothing here for him not even his mom because she just can't get with it. I just feel like he's starving to learn, play with kids and do activities and I can't give him that. I love him so much and he's my world but I wish I could just go away for a week. Anyway, I wish that I could just get help and guidance to heal and to learn how to get better. I'm seeing my counselor this week so maybe I can ask her what I can do, I actually haven't seen her in a month because of complications with daycare among other things. I'm just feeling lost because I blame myself and this is all just so confusing to me! Thanks for letting me vent.


Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 3/16/2009 2:24:04 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/16/2009 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hope,

Needing time away from your son does not in any way make you a bad mother. So don't even go there with your thinking. But you are now in a situation where your life has changed. He will be a part of your life for a long time to come. And if you can bring your mind to accept that, it will make your life so much better.

I think that with the weather getting nicer, you will be able to get out and enjoy some sunshine days. Everything will look better. I think that the overall situation will look better to you.

There is a very good chance that the meds aren't working. Or you might need an adjustment or a change. It takes time to find what is right for you. Ask him about abilify, that is what I take and it is fantastic. It works for bipolar and it is a mood stabilizer too. I take it for obsessive thinking and it helps me to live in the moment. It doesn't change you or make it so that you don't feel anything. You just feel good. But that is me, I don't know if it works that way for everybody.

I hope that you can feel better. Do you have somebody close or a relative that could take your son for a few days to give you a break? I think it would really help you if you did.

Keep trying, you are going to be feeling better soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/16/2009 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen, I was just going to come back on here and say that this is the part that I hate the most. Is crying my eyes out and there is nobody here for me physically. I was thinking about abilify so it's funny that you mention that. You know, it's really hard for me to actually talk about but I've struggled with motherhood from day one. I don't really like to talk about it because I don't want people thinking I don't love my son. You telling me to accept that he will be part of my life for a long time is really groundbreaking for me. Because I know it's true. I just hate feeling like I'm in a dark hole of hurt, guilt, despair and confusion. And I'm really tired of being alone. Nobody can help me with taking him off my hands for a few days, that's just the way it is and has been.
Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/16/2009 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
It is so obvious that you love your son and like I said before, there is nothing wrong with needing a break. You are doing the job of two and that is hard. Being a single mom has to be one of the hardest things in the world as far as I am concerned.

I hope that the abilify works for you. It has done wonders for me.

Feeling the way that you do is normal. I am glad that you have day care to help you. At least you get a little bit of a break. That relieves a lot of stress, so take advantage of that. Keep posting, You are also welcome to email me if you ever need to. Sometimes it does good to write things down. It frees you somehow.

Take care my friend,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/16/2009 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I'm not really a single mom, although my SO works a lot and has limited time at home, it is hard. So I wouldn't want to put myself in that catagory because I'm sure single parents have it really hard. Parenting is definately not equal. Thanks for letting me vent and being here for me. I just had a really bad day and crying actually felt good. It's also one of those times where your life could be worse but yet your struggling! That confuses me too and I'm tired of the struggle, tired of the depression, tired of my life. I know things will get better eventually (hopefully). I'll come back and update after my counseling appt and Dr appt. To my friends on this board I welcome any support I really need it because it actually scared me how low I felt today, wow haven't felt like that in a while, thanks!
Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 

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