Stuck in a rut

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justagoodol'girl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/23/2009 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I was dating a guy for a almost a year.  It was a long distance relationship.  I drove 800 miles almost every weekend to see him.  He was verbally abusive and the meanest man I ever met.  He cheated on me with a 16 y/o and we broke up.  I haven't seem to be able to attrack a good guy since.  I have taken some positive behaviors in my life.  I refuse to have a "friends with benefits" or sleep with anyone with out a committed relationship.  I met someone about 2 months ago that I have alot of fun with because he is funny and we laugh alot together but his wife cheated on him so he is bitter.  He has told me twice in 6 weeks he isn't ready for a relationship but the both of us seem to ignore the fact that he has said that and we continue to see each other but I refuse to sleep with him after he told me he wanted a relationship and was committed and I finally gave in on Valentines Day and he dumped me the 1st time 2 days later and then started calling again the next day.   I waited another 10 days before sleeping with him again and again the next day he tells me he isn't ready for a relationship and again he hasn't stopped calling.  I have refused to sleep with him now for good.  He called last night just to have someone to cuddle with so like a dummy I went over and only cuddled.  I  really like him as far as he is a great dad, takes cares of his girls, pays his childs support, has a great job, his own home but he is just a Jackass and bitter towards women. His divorce will be final April and I'm the first women he has dated since they split in October.  I don't know what to do about this complicated situation.  Is is healthy or not and what do I tell him?  We are close to the same age and could have a great healthy relationship if he would just give it the chance.  If he doesn't I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm looking way to hard to settle down and find myself depressed when things don't go the way I think they should so I crawl  in bed when I'm not working and sleep and watch tv.  If I'm not doing that then I out drinking and getting drunk.   I feel like I'm spiraling down hill and I don't know what to do.  I am taking an anti depressant but I'm not interested in anything except finding my prince charming.  I'm tired of being single.  HELP!

Mom2sophia
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 3/23/2009 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
This situation sounds a lot like my twin sisters.  The best thing I can advise is to find a way to feel better about yourself!!! You deserve better and are settling for less.  It is an emotional attachment to this man, as well as others in the past...an unhealthy attachment.  If you find yourself hoping this relationship will turn out to be good, I would remind myself this it probably won't be.  Great dad or not, you will need to step up and take on the role of a step-mother, deal with his bitterness, etc.  I think you are just an item wrapped up in this world of depression he is in and is using you to comfort himself...you don't need that! 
 
Get out, get some fresh air, get some exercise, join a local group...to get your mind of this guy and find a healthier way to love yourself....
 
If you love yourself, you will attract a wonderful man!
 
HTH

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/23/2009 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi welcome to the forum, your in a great place! Honestly to me, you need to focus on yourself and start learning to love and be happy with who you are. I can agree that this guy isn't ready for a relationship because his divorce isn't even final yet and look at his actions towards you. I don't think it's right that he tends to lead you on then backs out and I'm sorry that your going through this. I would just stand tall and go on with your life because you want a relationship and obviously he can't offer that. And I don't think he will be able to offer that to anyone for a long time because he is freshly separated. Maybe your medication needs to be looked at again if you find that it's not working. You have every right to feel down if this isn't going the way you thought but just know that your better off and you haven't found the right person yet. It's his loss and you deserve better, you have all the power in this and you just need to know that your a great person and you don't need to spend your energy on someone like that. I know that this doesn't make it easy because I know your going through a hard time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Try to live in the moment and take one day at a time. We are here for you and keep posting!


Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 3/23/2009 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I too feel the way that these guys do. You need to work on you first. Then go from there. You are a special person, and you need to learn that. If this relationship is meant to be it will. So work on you and see what transpires.

Cheer up, we are here for you.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/23/2009 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Justagoodol’girl:

I hope, so much, that my straightforward answer will not seem harsh to you. I can tell that you are hurting, and I will say right off the bat, you don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy, and to be treated with respect. I have to be honest…..this guy’s behaviour is sending up huge red flags for me. You have said that he is bitter, that he has said (on and off) that he is not ready for a relationship, that he dumped you after the first time you slept together, then pursued you again, then told you again he is not ready for a relationship…..and you have identified for yourself that he is a jackass and bitter towards women. I had to learn the hard way that when the signs are there, you need to pay attention to them. I can tell that you have strong feelings for this man, but I am very concerned about how he is treating you. You asked for an opinion as to whether he is healthy or not…..I would say these behaviours are not healthy or beneficial for you at all. You deserve to be with someone who knows for sure that he wants to be in a relationship…..someone who is not bitter and angry towards women…..someone who would never be so insensitive that he dumps you after your first intimate experience with each other. He is treating you very badly, and you are worth so much more than that.

Girl, take care of yourself in the best way you know how. You are going through something very difficult, and you need to focus on yourself right now, and not on this man. Trust me.....there is someone MUCH better for you in your future.

grayeagle017
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 3/23/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
Read your post three times listening to what you were saying. Sounds to me like your answers are right there in your post. You do have decent morales you are trying to adhere to: "I refuse to have a "friends with benefits" or sleep with anyone with out a committed relationship. ". Just for some guy that you have come to enjoy being around to say "i'm commited" shouldn't be enough for you to jump in the sack with him. Any type of serious long lasting relationship takes time. If you spend time in a relationship long enough you will know if you have found "prince charming" and you will know if he is committed without him saying the words. Any prince worth having will respect you wishes of postponing a sexual relationship untill a deep friendly relationship has truly developed. Take one piece of advice from an older guy: Finding someone to spend your life with as a good friend is worth more than the best sex you'll ever find.
I think you already know everything you need to know about this guy: "he is just a Jackass and bitter towards women" This guy is not ready for a commitment.
When you start taking care of yourself better and start feeling better about yourself you are going to notice something happening that you've always wanted. Those decent guys that want to fullfill there lives with a commitment of devotion just to you will start to take notice of you. They ARE out there looking for that kind of woman that is just as devoted and wants the same things in life. You are feeling depressed and that has got to show. A person that drinks a lot has got that look. If you spend a lot of time in bed you've got to look tired.
Sweety it's time for you to start feeling good about yourself and start looking too. It's time to get out of bed and stop the drinking. A bit of exersize will help with your meds. It takes two to have a great relationship. Are you ready to get in shape for your half of the relationship? There is a TRUE prince charming out there that is looking for his princess as hard as you. Feel and look your best so he will notice.
You can do this. It takes a bit of work to achieve the best things in life.
We all deeply care about you.
Grayeagle.

JournalDan
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 3/23/2009 11:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the boards,

I was sad to hear about your story but I was unfortunately not surprised. Guys can be cruel and very hard to understand sometimes. Not all of us are lucky enough to understand women, and in your case it sounds like some of the guys you were with were just flat out no good.

But listen, that doesn't mean you are no good. Just reading your post I can tell you are a sensitive and sweet girl. You can't let your experience with these guys get you down. First of all you don't need them to be happy, secondly you can do much better.

My advice to you is that if you feeling like you are settling for a guy and having doubts, you probably shouldn't be with him. I can tell how much you want to be loved and to share your love. You will be able to do that, and the same spirit that is causing you to stay with bad guys, will, for a good guy, grow to be something amazing that he loves.

Keep your head up, I promise you, I've met some, there are good guys out there. Just be confident and steadfast.

We are here for you.
All the best.

JournalDan
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 3/23/2009 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
P.S. NEVER let a guy abuse you again no matter what the circumstances, if a man does that to you it has to be over.

Thinking about it gets my blood boiling. No woman should ever have to fear a man she is with.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/24/2009 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Just,

Welcome to HealingWell and that is just what we do here is heal.

I see in your post that you did recognize you were being abused by the first man but this new one is abusing you too.

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse - & yet least talked about. Part of the reason it is so easy for people to overlook is that so that much of what is considered normal & acceptable forms of communication is in fact abusive. Many people don't know that they have been - or are being - emotionally abused. In addition, a lot of emotional abuse doesn't appear to be severe or dramatic, although its effects can be.

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation & control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequent enough, is usually internalized by the victim & leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving & unlovable & as if they were bad, deserving of punishment & to blame.

My best advice is lose the current guy as he is using you and manipulating you right into the bed. If he has Issues he owns them and you are not his therapy.

Do look into getting some therapy and learning to love yourself first and also try to stop the obsession that you must have a man in your life to complete you.  That is only in the movies.  Let fate take care of meeting the right man at the right time.  It will happen but make sure you increase your self esteem and know you are a worthy person.

Take care and know we are here for you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


justagoodol'girl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/4/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank all you for your response.  I have gotten rid of the guy and have no communication any longer.  I did realize he was causing me to react in ways I didn't like.  He was disrespectable and I allowed him to be that way.  I am trying to work on myself but don't know where to begin.  I have not drank in 7 days and I have stayed home and out of the bars this weekend.  I'm spending time with myself and watching movies and for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything or meeting prince charming.  I have a little bit younger guy that keeps calling to hang out and I have a gut feeling that he is after one thing and so I have refused to go there.  I feel like that is a giant step for me (respecting myself).  I read all the responses and appreciate the feed back.  I'm just tired of feeling like I need a man to complete me letting them determine my moods.  I used to not be this way but some how I have taken some steps back along the way and have to get the self esteem back for me.  I have so many things to be thankful for and I need to start concentrating on the things I have instead of what I don't have. 

Most of all, I wanted to thank all of you...your responses are so apprectiated.



getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 4/4/2009 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Justagoodol'girl,

I am so happy for you that you are taking time with yourself and learning to be happy with yourself. You said that you didn't know where to begin, but I think that you are doing just that. And that is wonderful.

It looks like you are starting off on the right foot and I am very happy for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Wasted-Potential
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 4/4/2009 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I know this situation all too well. I've been cheated on, strung along and even physically abused by ex-girlfriends. The whole experience leaves you desperate for some stability from someone who will treat you the exact same way they expect to be treated by you. I went through a phase of just wanting a girlfriend for the sake of having one. It wasn't healthy and as soon as I thought I was happy being single this girl showed up, did and said all the right things and then looked for an excuse to leave when something better showed it. It makes you wonder if you have 'doormat' imprinted on your forehead. You have to take time to realise that you don't need someone to determine your happiness although they can influence it sometimes. It sounds like you've realised that and are acting on it. We all need some 'me time' to discover who we are when it's just ourselves and it makes us realise that we can be happy without people or things. I'm so happy for you and I hope to be reading about the next step of what I hope will be the begging of your happy one in life :-)

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/5/2009 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Just,

You sound so much better already....and I am so glad for you. You've obviously done a lot of soul searching and have found a way to focus on the positives and the things you are grateful for in your life. Keep up the good work, my friend! This renewed love and respect for yourself that I see in your post is truly wonderful. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how things are going!

grayeagle017
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 4/6/2009 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Justagoodol'girl,

Finally stopped by and sorry i missed you but wanted to say I'M SO PROUD OF YOU AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Looks like you're heading in a much better direction in which you can be proud of yourself.

Happy to hear you're taking care of yourself first.

Hope you come back soon and let us know how you are doing.

grayeagle017

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