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enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/27/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Heeja,

As some of you I took some time off, partly because of work (well, mainly), but also because I wanted some time to get things strait. Well, a lot of things have been discovered since, but now I'm kinda stuck in a loop or so. See, my entire life I feel like I have been the one telling me that it is OK to screw up, to forgive what I've done wrong, etc. My mum and dad don't seem to understand that. Not that they are evil or so, but they are acting on what is socially acceptable or something. Like, when someone is screwing something up, it is actually OK to be mad, because they screw up right?

Well, the loop starts here, because the more I discover, the harder it is to convince myself it actually is OK. I have no more joy in things, can't see the real purpose of life, and I can't tell myself it is OK anymore. I just don't believe it. So that's one point on the loop, I need someone to tell me it is OK since I am not capable of it myself. Also, the person telling it has to mean it, well, I have to feel he / she means it. If I don't have the idea that person is telling the truth, for example by saying it is wrong to judge but an hour later that person is judging someone, it won't work. There are people that fit the bill though. But the problem is, right now, I have so much on my mind, and they simply won't invest so much time in me. I don't blame them though, it would take hours a day. But I would love to know someone who I can always call, who will put aside their work to help, and who would encourage me to do the right things. Once again, I know these people exist, because I can say I am one of them. That's another point, I would love to know that there actually is a person who I will make happy by calling. In other words, someone who loves me.

But I just can't seem to find them. And once I think I've found someone like that, I back down.. Well, this is going nowhere, so I try again, this time describing the situation. Right now, none of my friends can comfort me in the way like I feel I need. They are all very nice persons, and I am unmeasurable grateful to know them, but they aren't the type for that. There is, however, one person I know that thinks like me to some extend. But God (or whoever is in charge, if anyone) made that a women. Now, I don't have anything against women, but there is a catch to it. In my universe, when a women my age is nice to me, when I have the idea that she cares for me, I fall in love. Not a physical attraction kind of love, purely based on the aspect that there actually is someone out there who is happy to be around. But I do get that emotional feedback. Anyway, if I could choose, I would be with that person a lot more than now, because she makes me happy. But she doesn't love me, so there must be something wrong about me. At least, that is how it is in my head. It sounds so silly all this, but isn't love the feeling you get when someone makes you happy? Anyway, there is so much too it, but the problem is this: Right now, I am happy when we talk, chat, call, etc. She gives me the joy and happiness I just can't seem to find elsewhere. But this is all so egoistic. I love her for my own happiness, and not her happiness. And as long as I can't love someone for their happiness, it isn't real love. I do want the very best for them, but that would mean I would accept the fact that I am not the one to bring to most happiness. I just can't accept that without feeling I am lacking.

And there is the loop. Right now, I can't comfort myself any more, I need others for that. But you can't want me to be happy and hurt yourself with that, in a way that you aren't fully happy when doing it. Else it would be lying. I mean, if you truly want to help someone, helping would feel like the best thing you can do, and thus it won't lack. But unless I want the best for someone without wanting anything at all in return and accept the fact that there are others out there who bring more joy to that person, I don't want the best for them. And that hurts. And now there is no one to say it is OK. I think I can state most of you do care, but the catch is, you can't do anything more than type letters on a screen. All my thinking lead to the conclusion that love and care and compassion are the only things that bring genuine happiness, and I am not capable of fully loving someone without someone who has that same feeling for me. It could be man, woman, old, young, just someone who also thinks that happiness is more important than money, status, power, etc., and is willing to take time to comfort.

This week has been really though, I am physically sick because of my mental illness. I can't sleep, unless I cry myself to it, and in fact that is the only way to get all those thoughts out of my head. But you might understand that doesn't feel like the best option and one to use the rest of my life. Everytime I wake up, I immediately get these thoughts in my head and can't sleep anymore. There aren't much things left that give me joy, real joy. I can laugh over things, but that deep sensation of happiness has forsaken me, so it seems. I am sorry to waste your time if you have read this, since unless I can drastically change my thinking there simply isn't much you can do to help.

Please take care everyone,

Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/27/2009 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Erik,

I am sorry that you are feeling so down.

You are not a bad person for wanting happiness. And I think that the depressioin is taking over your thinking. So take a step back and access this situation.

Love grows. Even if a person isn't in love with you doesn't mean that they don't love you. It sounds like you are looking for immediate gratification and sometimes that doesn't happen quickly. I mean it takes time to get to that point.

I feel that you are being too hard on yourself right now. Think, relax, breathe, meditate, and just go with the flow for now. You are caught up in a way of thinking right now and that will subside in time. Go with the thoughts, but don't dwell on them. You are young and at the age where we think too deeply. That happens. You are not a mental case, if that is what you are wondering, you are just going through a hard time right now. I am happy that you came here to vent. I think that you need that right now.

As I say, love grows. At first it is usually a physical attraction, but that eventually comes to an end and you find that you love the other person deeply, only in a different way. A way of caring for the other person, wanting them to be happy. And just because you don't feel that way right now, doesn't necessarily mean that wont change. So don't feel guilty for wanting to be happy. That is only human. And I know that you are very human.

Are you seeing anybody right now for counseling? You might need some direction at this time. A way to change your thinking if need be. But I don't think that you are bad for wanting some gratification. Like I say, that is only human. We all go through that. So don't beat yourself up for the way that you feel.

You know for yourelf that another person cannot actually make you happy. They can help to make you happy, but no matter what you think at the time, your happiness is coming from within. It just seems like the other person is responsible for it. They are just helping you along.

It sounds like you fancy this young lady. And maybe you think she doesn't feel the same way. But you don't know that for sure. She might like you a lot more than you realize. It might not be love yet, that comes in time.

So keep trying to learn to make yourself happy. Remember, turn up the corners of your mouth and see how that makes you feel. You might want to check out the laughing buddah. That is cool. It is a good way to take the tension off.

I know that you know how to meditate, try that when you can't sleep. I think that you are trying too hard right now. The answer could be right in front of you and you just can't see it right now. That is normal too. It happens often to me. We have a tendancy to look too hard, when the resolution is right in front of us and naturally it is the last thing that we think of.

Keep trying, I know that you will get through this. You are a wonderful person filled with kindness and compassion. Also understanding of what others are going through. You are truly an asset to this forum. You always have a good answer to other's posts, maybe you have the answer to your own.

I hope that your day gets better. I am glad that you posted. You will get through this, it is just a matter of time. Keep trying, but don't wear yourself out looking for answers, they will come in time.

Take care, my dear friend. You are a wonderful person and never forget that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/27/2009 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Karen,

Thank you for taking all the time to respond. What you say is true. But smiling, though it makes me smile, doesn't have that real meaning to it. I just can't seem to take life as light-hearted as I used to do. Yes, partly because I am already down, but this time I can't see a way out.

The world just seems such a strange place all the sudden. I do want the best for everything alive, even for the people which behaviour I used to hate. The world is a perfect place, yet I am not. Yes Karen, I do blame everything on myself, but I just don't know how to change that. I don't, won't, and maybe even can't blame others for things they do, and that feels right. But I can't stop blaming myself. I've tried to see it as a test, that in order to achieve something good, you first must experience the bad side as well so you can see the entire picture and be more grateful. And that brought me so much, but now I just don't know what to do.

I am so sorry to say this, but it seems like I have reached my limit here. I've never been this down for such a long time, and I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to be afraid of falling in love any more, I don't want to stay awake and cry every night, and I don't know a way out. I feel ugly and lost, and maybe by thinking this or maybe not, everything that happens seems justify this. I'm sick of being afraid, fed up with the sadness, but seems to be nothing and no one out there who can help.

Karen, I have all the answer I need. I just can't apply them to myself. With everything around me, all other human beings, animals, trees, plants, I am grateful that they are here, and I can see them. I even enjoy mosquito's for the simple fact they are alive. But when the answer need to be applied to myself, so far I haven't been able to do that, and everything suggests someone else has to do it. I've tried everything else I know.

And I have someone for counseling, yes, but she doesn't understand me. She's a nice lady, but not much of a help to be honest.

I just don't know anymore :S, sorry...
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/27/2009 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I think Karen is right you are thinking too much, I too can relate because I'm a obsessive thinker and it can really destroy you. I also feel at times that there is no purpose in life, what's the point if I am always struggling right? Just from your post, it sounds like you need to try and get a different counselor. I think you need to work on yourself and get some therapy for your issues and get to a place where you have a better self image. I just had to change counselors myself because the one I was seeing wasn't helping or giving me what I needed. You need to seek the person that will be right for you because it surely will make a big difference. I'm not sure what the road of medication has been like for you or if your taking any but maybe there needs to be an adjustment there? I'm sorry your feeling so down I know what's it like to be there, we just have to keep fighting and advocate for ourselves. Hang in there we are here for you!
Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/27/2009 4:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand what they mean when they are telling you are thinking too much, but Im not going to do that because you already know that you are thinking alot!

I completely understand you though. I've been going through the same thing for a long time. I feel the world is a strange place for me, but everyone else seems like they fit into it...just not me, us.

I have issues because I used to attach to people very easily and I did think I was in 'love' but I didnt know what that meant. The person whom I loved most, and whom loved me most(my Grandma), passed away and since then I havent been able to love anyone. I havent been able to connect to people. I want a relationship with someone as much as the next person, but Im so scared of getting into that and fall in love and they run away from me. I just cant take that...

Im actually talking to someone now and I want to let myself get out there and have a relationship with this person...but I know she has issues with getting attached as well and falling in love and it not working. I guess you could say theres alot of baggage on both parts. But, at the same time I crave sharing my life with someone else. Its seems Im happier talking to her and hanging out with her, but Karen is right.... having a relationship with another person shouldnt be the root of your happiness, thats you. True happiness comes from within ones self. I also think that environment and reltionships DO play a role in that. I mean it helps when you like someone who likes you just as much and Im sure that helps. But, you cant rely on that as your ONLY source of happiness.

You are an amazing person. I dont personally know you, but I can tell. You are honest and you express yourself. You are a great listener and are always willing to help. There are many people out there and you will find the right person, it takes time. You just have to get out there and run with it. Thats what Im trying to do. I know its tough, but Im trying to be strong and reassure myself that it takes time to find the right person. And when you do, it'll be special and it'll be a good part of your life. But, without someone, you are no less of a person! You deserve the best, and although thats not easy to come by, it'll happen.

I would suggest finding a different counselor. Find someone who you feel is helping you, if they arent, why even go? Its there JOB to help you and if they arent you have the right to go elsewhere. Dont give up.

You a great person and I always appreciate you being around. And Im always here for you as I know others here are also. If you ever need feel you need to talk to someone, you can always email me. I would be glad to help you out as much as I can. I know how it is. And you arent alone, as much as you feel like you are, you arent, but you know that!

So, dont give up. You have alot to live for and you have lots of potential! It sucks, I know, but it takes time. Time to heal and time to change things. But, you are capable of making the right choice, you know is right for you and I know you will succeed! Hang in there and talk to us when you need to...our doors(metaphorically speaking!) are always open!
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/28/2009 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej,

Thank you for your responses :). The both of you are absolutely right when you state that happiness comes from within. And I know it is still there, but it simply won't come out and say hi to me any more. Maybe all that obsessive thinking is the cause of it, though it certainly has brought a lot of good things as well. I honestly think that if I weren't such a thinker, emotions like anger and hatred would take over and cause a lot more damage. I am just very alone. I have no more things that make me happy, at least, that are available to me.

The world just seems to be such a non-caring and violent place, or is everyone like me?
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/28/2009 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Erik,

What can I say after the wise ones have all spoken. They have given you great advice and insight into your issues.

You know I am one of your huge fans ! :) 

The obsessive thinking is always a downer.  I will start with all of the "what ifs" and sometimes really have to put on the brakes and pull out of the downward spiral.  I pull back to staying in the moment.

When we are fully in the present moment our minds are focused on what we are doing and not frantically jumping from the past to the future.

It's really important for myself to be able to stay in the moment. I have found that by avoiding things like dwelling on past or worrying about the future I am usually able to get done what needs to get done when it needs to get done.

If you can learn to stay present in the moment then you can rapidly and gracefully change your life for the better!

Our personal power is accessed in the present. We are creating our futures right this very second through the thoughts and energy that we are sending out. What future are you creating for yourself if your thoughts are filled with anxiety, anger, and fear? What would your future look like if you could send out love, joy and prosperity?

Just food for thought my dear friend.  You know how much I believe in staying in the moment. cool

Take care of you and know I am here for you.

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/28/2009 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

Yes this world can seem to be a violent place full of selfish people. But that is a part of life, I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go around. But you can surround yourself with good people and situations. You can find calmness within you and the serenity. Chose quiet and kind people to be around. Take stock in the beauty of nature and hold that close to you.

Over thinking can drive us crazy. It took medication to help me with that. It was an obsession. I could not clear my mind for the life of me. I always had a thought in my head. Once I got on the right medication it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I know that you aren't one to want to take meds, but I did want you to know that there is an option out there to help you. Though I understand you will probably deal with this in another way and I respect that. It is just that life is so much simpler when our minds aren't going in circles all of the time. And believe me when I say that it is a relief to stop.

I hope that you are having a good day today. Here is it cloudy, but hoping that the sun will be out later so that I can walk my dogs. The highlight of my day. Not a very exciting life, eh? But it means the world to me.

Take care my friend,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 3/28/2009 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Erik, I don't want to repeat what others have said.  I think we are all too hard on ourselves at one time or another.  You mention a counselor you see but you don't think she understands you. Can you find another therapist you can relate to better?  The world is not all good nor is it all bad. Things happen that are just random.  You are at a low point right now and I truly understand how that feels.  You said you have taken some time off and that is good.  The best advice I can offer is to take each day as it comes.  Don't project into the future, don't go back to the past -it is gone, just concentrate on what is happening this one particular day.  Sometimes it is baby steps.You have done a lot in your young years and you have accomplished many things.  We all make mistakes.  That is something you need to learn to accept and not be so hard on yourself. You have a lot of accomplishments to be proud of.  You have many, many friends here who care very much about you.  Keep posting and let everyone know how you are doing.  We are all here for you to listen and to learn.   Keep your chin up.  You are a very special, dear person.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 3/30/2009 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Howdy,

Thank you all so much :-), I really needed that. Just got out of what I guess was the worst week of my life so far, but now I am doing way better again. I have emailed my therapist that I might need someone else. Maybe there is in fact a counselor out there that calls you sometimes just to check how you are doing and to provide some comfort or so. Someone who is in my experience more concerned with your well-being than the therapist I have now.

And I have to admit, when I couldn't a day ago, now I can see the positive side of this all. It really helps you to focus on life, and what you want to do with the time you have. And that no matter how hard I will try, I can't do that alone. Which is quite a good thing to know.

Thanks again for you support! I hope to be back in the evening, now I have to enjoy the sun while I can!

Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 3/30/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Erik,  It is so good to hear you sounding more positive.  You had a rough week and now it is past and that is where to leave it.  Finding a new therapist sounds like the best solution.  Your therapist should truly care about you and what is happening in your life.  Just keep looking, I think there is someone out there for you.  I have seen the same therapist for many years and I have always been able to call her in between sessions and she always calls me back.  And when she knows I am having a very hard time she just calls me to be sure I am OK.  She was a pillar of strength when my son had his car accident. I don't know how I would have gotten through that terrible time without her help.  So, again keep your chin up and positive thoughts.  Enjoy the good things in life like the sunshine.  Is it going to be tulip season soon where you are?  That alone would truly make me happy to see. Take care and know how much I care.

Many hugs,

Aurora

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