No optismism for the future

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tamothi
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 4/5/2009 2:40 AM (GMT -7)   
this may be long but i really could use some advice...

Hello, i guess i just dont feel comfortable talking to anyone i know about my depression. I am a 19 year old male and currently a freshman in a community college. Im just really confused about my life right now. I feel like im a normal kid in an extraordinary situation that im not strong enough to handle. In the last couple years my family has just completely imploded. I am the third child of four and live with my whole family. In the last two years a number of things have happened to me:

My dad became very sick with an autoimmune disease and is currently disabled, He currently sits around the house watching tv and movies all day without energy to do anything harder than changing a lightbulb. Its really hard to witness this because he has been the stronghold for the family my whole life. He is also diagnosed with being bipolar, and suffers a lot from the depression. My mom and dad hate eachother and i cant go a day without overhearing them argueing about something. One lives in the basement while the other lives upstairs. My mom is completely clueless about anything going on. She is very loving, but we just dont connect mostly because i can not stand being around her for too long because of her tendencies that i will not go into (nagging etc...).

My junior year in high school was horrible, I ending up quiting everything i loved like lacrosse. I started working every weekend and as a result didnt have a social life for a year. 
 
I walked into his ( my brother) room one day  so i called 911. He was put into a coma and finally came out of it days later. It was a shocking turning point for my family. He hasnt been the same since. He is very pestimistic and just a complete downer. My second oldest brother also attempted suicide later in the year. I also have a sister that is one grade below me. She is very depressed and turned to sex to feel accepted. I found out that she had been sleeping with a number of my lacrosse buddies and acquantences (sp?). She never hooked up with any of my best friends but it still really hurt. To top things off my dad came home one day while i was playing catch with my dog (really like my best friend). The dog ran to the car to welcome my dad home and my dad ending up running over it with the car. I was 10 feet away and couldnt look away as my dog layed in a pool of its own blood. It was at this point that i decided to go on anti-depressants. They worked reasonably well and my senior year was the best year of my life.

I soon went off my meds and joined the lacrosse team again. Life was amazing, my eyes were opened to a new lifestyle. I had a tight nite group of friends, we would just get messed up and have a great time. I went off to a State school and partied like a rockstar. At the end of my first semester i just felt burnt out. I had partyed 5 times a week,  didnt make any true friends ... it was just getting old. I decided to live back at home and go to a community college ( this semester). My problems from junior year have all flooded back since im at home again. If anything they are worse. I have developed a lot of anxiety about life. I cant go a day without thinking about my future and its uncertainty. I am undeclared and have NO IDEA what i want to do as a profession. It seems like everyone has a major and a job they want to get once out of college. I dont feel like doing anything anymore. I cant even get a  job (mostly dont have energy to find one) This makes me broke and unable to do anything like going out to see a movie.
I decided to go back on paxil two weeks ago. I learned that i really cant be on it now. This is really scary because of my family past. For this reason i have stopped taking my meds. Everyday i worry about where i will be in five years. I dont want to have a bad job and no friends. I am lonely and want to find a girlfriend, but i feel as though im too unstable and broke to have one. I have thought about being a state trooper possibly or going into the army but i've realized theres no way. My anxiety wouldnt let me do these professions. I have started to get panic attacks at the most random things. I was watching a movie the other day and almost fainted after seeing someone get killed. Ive never experienced this before. My friends were talking about how one of them cut their finger the other week and i almost fainted while driving thinking about it.  As a summary i just feel lost, sad , depressed, have no energy, and no optimism for my future.

Has anyone been through something like this before? I dont know what to do i want to live a happy life, I feel like i have so much stress its just too overwelming. Oh and we are about to lose our house because my dads insurance for disability is about to run out. I cant sleep at night, i just start thinking about how i cant get a job now, and how i wont be able to get a job in the future.
______________________________________________
Edit:

I am sorry but I had to edit a lot of content out of your post. Please review the HW rules before posting again.
Thank you
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
 
12. If it shouldn’t be viewed by minors, then it shouldn’t be posted to the forums or chat rooms.  This is a public, family-friendly forum. In addition, if something would not be considered “work safe” (to a boss or co-worker), then it shouldn’t be posted.
Thank you
Kitt
 



Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/5/2009 6:39:52 AM (GMT-6)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 4/5/2009 3:03 AM (GMT -7)   

dear tamothi,

i read your post, it run out in the end but i get the picture. first u need to contact psych services in your state & country if you are feeling like harming yourself. i feel you have a lot on your plate, with uni, home life, etc. i feel that at your age you have and are expereincing a lot of pain, mental, physical. the issues with taking drus and alcohol is very worrying, alcohol is a depressant, combined with cannabis is a bad combo. the other stuff-yeah i have been there & some ok. please seek support, you may need to be out of the environment you are in. this i feel. i would talk about my expereinces, but i can't because of the community rules. just let me say, you are still young, your life is just beginning, you are worthy my friend, you are unique & and have insight, otherwise u would not be seeking help.

please talk to the community, i am in australia, time difference and stuff, i am frantically typing and tears are flowing, yeah i am male, 37, and been down roads that i am trying to avoid you taking. please seek help, please, i will be up 4 awhile, please post, vent, but please call your hosp if you feel you are at harm. jamiee.


tamothi
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 4/5/2009 3:26 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for replying. I agree that i should get out of my household but i dont really know how. I dont have any money and have no job or car. As for suicide im more worried for my future if things stay constant. Right now its just thoughts, but if i find myself completely alone after college i dont know what will happen.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 4/5/2009 3:40 AM (GMT -7)   

hey tamothi, what options due you have?  glad that u are safe. i really think that some counselling would benefit you. if home is too toxic maybe being somewhere less stressfull for a short time may be benefical. money, heck, can't help, i know that there is good stuff on the web, hey community, for those in tamothis state/country can you suggest anything.

if you have telephone counselling services i would strongly recommend calling them. speaking to your doctor is something i highly recommend also, in terms of treatment options, and other possibilities. the more honest u are with your doc the better help you will receive. yeah hard, keep busy when feeling like you are at harm, read, play music, poetry, etc.

keep posting the community, we care okay!

jamiee.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/5/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear tamothi,

I welcomed you in the A & P forum but want to take the opportunity to welcome you to the Depression Forum also.

I see you have already received some great support.  I am glad you feel comfortable in letting out your feelings here in HW.

I would just like to add that after reading  your post in depth, I  feel like you know your problem is linked to your use of drugs and alcohol and you have chosen this way of coping verses sticking with the Antidepressant medication.  IMHO you really need a physician to work with you to help you get through your problems and they are multiple.  We are here to support you but we are not professionals. In no way would we judge you as everyone makes mistakes. 

Please do seek professional help.

Again keep talking to us.

Kitt 



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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Post Edited (stkitt) : 4/5/2009 6:53:52 AM (GMT-6)


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/5/2009 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tamothi,

First, let me say that my heart goes out to you for all that you've been through. You sound like a smart, kind, sensitive person who has been through a lot of difficult situations. It's really good that you came here to post about it.....the people here are very compassionate and supportive.

You said that you are currently a freshman in college, and you are worried about not knowing what to do with your life after college. IMO, that is pretty normal!!! And....lots of people, even after they graduate, take some time to figure out what they really want to do. Some people get jobs in their field of study from college, and some get jobs that are seemingly unrelated to their studies. It's always good to explore the options and think about what you might want to do in the future, but I don't think you need to be overly concerned or down on yourself for not knowing this right now. You *will* have the time and the opportunity to figure this out.

I'm sorry to know about your family situation. It's hard when our home life is unhappy and unsettling. Do you have a place that you like to go when things become too much at home?

You also mentioned that you have tried Paxil for your symptoms. Are you talking regularly with your doc about the stress you are under and your anxiety level? Does he/she know about your family history with s- attempts? Have you sought counseling up to this point? I think it would be worth looking into if you haven't already (as Jamiee has already said). You're dealing with a lot of stuff, Tamothi.

Keep hanging in there, and please keep posting to us.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 4/5/2009 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
thanx raniah. i seem to have a little difficulty with expressing my thoughts on lenghhy posts. very good feedback to tamothi. bit tired. going to bed. jamiee

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/5/2009 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks.....and nighty-night, Jamiee. Hope you have a good rest! :-)

tamothi
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 4/5/2009 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the warm welcome guys. Ya i do have a place to go if things get too crazy. I have some good friends that i spend most of my time with anyways. I'm also going to the doctor soon and will see what he advises. I've tried counseling and didnt reallly like it, perhaps it was just the specific therapist.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 4/6/2009 5:17 AM (GMT -7)   
good to hear. keep ya chin up okay!! jamiee smilewinkgrin

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/6/2009 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Tamothi,

Glad to know you are seeing the doctor soon. Perhaps he can refer you to a counselor who might be a better match for you than the one you saw before. I hope your appointment goes well and gives you some more tools for working through this. It's also good to know that you have friends to spend time with.....support is really important! Please let us know how things go for you. We care.
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