follow your gut. if you have a supportive family, regardless of offsets i would be with a supportive family myself. i wish you well, sorry that you are depressed, keep posting, we care okay.
jamiee, 37, male, iddm, major depression, severe borderline personality disorder, hormone deficency, back & feet probs, plumbing issues.
I'm glad you came here. This is a great place to talk about things with others and get your feelings out.
It sounds to me like you are a woman who likes to set goals and go after them with all your might. I think that's a wonderful quality. That being said, I hope you can see that not every experience is right for everyone, and just because some of the others in your program are enjoying this experience in Morocco, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you if you don't. Maybe you are more sensitive than some of these people with respect to the environmental and cultural differences, for example. I spent some time in India when I was younger, and although I loved certain aspects of it, and loved the people I met, I found myself to be very emotional and fluctuating between anxiety and depression throughout my time there. I attribute a lot of that to the stresses of being somewhere unfamiliar, without my usual sources of support (my friends back home, etc.), and dealing with the extreme poverty I witnessed....I think you know what I'm getting at here. Perhaps your expectations and the reality of the situation are at different ends of the spectrum, and you are wondering if there is something wrong with you because they don't match. I think you are being a little too hard on yourself, Astaraels, and I think you need to cut yourself some slack!
You said in your post: "if I have nothing else, I have my grades and my good-name school and the things I have done and the big dreams I have chased after." Those are all wonderful things to have....I agree with you there. However, I would hate to see you define yourself solely based on external things, like your 'good-name school' and your academic accomplishments. You are obviously a thoughtful, sensitive person who values the richness of life and relationships, and I think you have a lot to offer no matter what your accomplishments are on paper. I know it's tough, when you're used to 'going for it' and reaching the finish line, to accept that something you have tried might not be right for you, but I think it's also a sign of maturity and self-awareness. We are all different people with different likes and dislikes, different abilities and strengths and weaknesses. I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for trying something so adventurous and challenging, especially at such a young age. You should realize what you have accomplished just by reaching out for it and having the experience.