A secret for 38 years kept

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justagoodol'girl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/5/2009 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I am 41 y/o and thought I would tell my story and get some feed back.
 
My mom was married to a man named Richard but they got separated and while they were separated she became pregnant.  When I was born in 1968 she put Richard on my birth certificate and told me that was my real dad.  She remarried when I was 2 and that Dad name Frank raised and provided for me very well.  He treated me as his own and is the best man i have ever met.  When I was 16 I started looking for my real dad and actually had phone conversation with him.  I didn't contact him again until I was 21 and that is when he told me he wasn't my real dad and there was another man my mom slept with.  Luckily I was seeing a counselor at the time who told me to keep a diary and I did. I wrote down everything Richard told me about who he thought was my real dad but I neve persued it because I thought my mom wouldn't lie to me about something like that and especially seeing me cry everytime Richard rejected me.
 
When I 38 and recently divorced I was going out a lot and met a girl that was recently divorced too and lived in the same town I grew up in and worked in.  We became best friend and inseparable.  Her family kept asking her to bring me over so they could meet me but we never thought anything about it.  Everyone would asked if we were sister and we would laugh.  We became friends in October and in February her mother tells her that her bestfriend is her sister (me).  Her dad is my real dad.  I asked her all the questions that Richard had told me about him years before and it was him.  I met the whole family the next day.  I waited a week to confront my mom and she went balistic on me.  It seems Bill (the real dad) walked out on her when she was pregnant.  There was a lot of drug abuse in the family. The good part is I understand what my mom protected me from and I'm not mad at her but I am angry at her for her behavior now.  She decided she doesn't like my bestfriend/sister and is very rude to her.  We all live in the same town and I have to make sure my real dad isn't where my mom is at any time because she makes a scene and is very mean.  She doesn't want him to have anything to do with my children.  He is clean from drugs now and has been for a very long time.  She seems to put all the guilt on me and I didn't create this problem they did 41 year ago and has left me to deal with it. 
 
My sister and my neices mean the world to me and we are very close.  I would like my mom to be apart of that with me.  Maybe I'm asking too much but I would like her to respect my sister and not talk about her and be rude to her.  She says she can't stand to hear me mention her name and she is a big part of my life.  I am bonded to my sister.  I don't see my dad that often but we do text every other day just to say I love you.  He has given me and my kids money. 
 
I don't feel any different about the dad that raised me.  In fact he means more to me than anyone but my mom acts like I'm hurting him by having a relationship with my dad's family. I feel like this her and my dad problems and they created this.  I have done nothing wrong.  We are fighting now and she said a lot of ulgy things about my sister again and how much he hates my dad.  I don't know how to handle this.  I'm mad at mom now because she won't let it go.  She's been caught at her lie and wants to blame me because I have relationship with him.  I think she is cruel for the things she says about my sister and it hurts me.  She now wants a DNA when there is no doubt he is my dad.  I feel they should have done that a long time ago.  It's not my place now.  i wish mom would just get counseling but she doesn't think she is wrong.
 
What would you do?  I'm not talking to mom but only if I have to.  She has hurt me lately with her words and action that I just need a break. Today is her birthday which I did call her and send her flowers but I didn't go see her because I don't want to go fake my feelings any longer.  I'm tired. 
 
 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/5/2009 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Wow, I am so sorry you have all this going on.........  As a mother I think your Mom may feel afraid and threatened that you are going to turn on her and leave her and in a way you have as your not talking to her.  She is fighting back by  trying to defend her feelings..........
 
Are you her only child?  I am sure she is afraid and IMHO you both need therapy to work on this one.  You are plenty old enough to make up your own mind but remember your Mother is older and probably feeling like the odd person out right now.  You have found a whole new family to replace her and I am sure she is heart broken to have you find out what happened in her past.  She has lived with this secret and the stigma that goes with it for many years.
 
Please take this very slow and keep talking to your Mom and letting her know that no matter what she thinks or is feeling that you still love her and always will.  I hope neither of you put the other in the position of choosing one or the other parent here.
 
Take care and my thoughts are with you.
 
Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


justagoodol'girl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/5/2009 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I would never put my mom in a position to choose. She raised me and provided for me all her life. I love and respect her and my step dad. I just wish she would quit throwing it in my face that I have a relationship with with my real dad and sister. She hates them so much. I'm mad because she wont let it go and acts like it my fault when it's my problem that I know have to deal with her secret that she has to deal with. I have trouble understanding where she is coming from because she is so hateful about the situation.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 4/6/2009 4:30 AM (GMT -7)   
hi justagoodo'l girl, jamiee here, agree with skitt, slow and steady. sending you compassion, we are here for you. all the best my friend. jamiee, male, 37.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/6/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Justagoodol’girl:

This has been quite a journey for you, from believing that Richard is your biological father to finding out, and meeting, your real bio father, Bill. It sounds like you have made great strides with the situation as far as bonding so well with your sister and getting to know Bill a little better. You are right in saying that you didn’t cause this situation 41 years ago, and you have done nothing wrong by trying to get to know this part of your family. I think your courage is amazing, and I applaud you for embracing the truth in the way that you have.

I’ve been thinking about your mom’s reaction to all of this, and trying to put myself in her shoes. I can imagine that she must have been devastated at the time she was pregnant with you, for losing not one, but two important relationships in a short time. I would guess that being abandoned during pregnancy was incredibly painful for her, and she has probably held a great deal of that pain and resentment inside over the many years that have passed since then. It sounds to me like Bill hurt her very badly, and that she has never gotten over that hurt. Perhaps this has opened a very deep wound for her now, and I can’t help but wonder if she is feeling concerned that your feelings may be hurt at some point, too. She knows this man as someone who loves and leaves, and being a mother, she probably doesn’t want you to be in a position to be disappointed or hurt by anyone. Obviously, she is worried about your children and their happiness as well. I’m not saying that I think she is right or wrong in her feelings…..I’m just trying to imagine what it must feel like from her side of things.

Do you think she sees your sister as the catalyst for all of this, since you found out the truth by initially having a friendship with her? Or do you think she views her as an extension of Bill, and a symbol of all that he put her through?

I also agree with Kitt that maybe your mother is acting out of fear, from seeing you with this new family and worrying how it will affect your bond with her.

I completely understand why you are hurt and frustrated, Justagoodol’girl. You would like your mother to be able to let things rest in the past, and to not be mean towards your sister when she is an innocent party as much as you are in all of this. However, as much as I hate to say it, there is very little we can do to change other people’s thoughts and feelings, and as much as you don’t understand her views on this, I don’t think she understands yours, either……and you may have to accept that her feelings might not change - at least for some time.

In the meantime, let her know that you still love her and want a relationship with her. EmoKid posed a good question…..have you spoken to your stepdad about this, and if so, what is his take on the situation?

I hope I have not hurt or offended you by trying to take a look at your mom’s views on things. I only want to help you, and to offer my support to you. I pray that you and your mom will someday be able to understand each other better, and will continue to have a relationship without so much heartache and pain over your family circumstances. (((Hugs))) to you, Justagoodol’girl.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/6/2009 5:01 PM (GMT -7)   
 
I too understand how difficult this situation is for you and as an outsider looking in and having dealt with dysfunctional family situations I am just trying to give you options to choose from.
 
Remember that you and your Mom had a bond before you knew all of the other things that have come to surface so please do take it one day at a time and  keep the lines of communication open as IMHO it is sometime all about communication and helping another past their own fears.
 
You have obviously been a wonderful daughter or you would never have taken the time to post here and ask for advice and support in how to deal with your issues.
 
You have my support and I wish you peace and happiness.
 
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


justagoodol'girl
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/8/2009 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your comments.  Raniah, I really liked how you put it in perspective for me from my mother's point of view.  I can see where she would be worried about my well being getting involved with my real dad knowing he left her during her pregnancy for me.  My mom and I are really close and have been all our life.  We are talking now and visiting from time to time.  I have children and I can see now how I would have reacted had the shoe been on the other foot.  Although I'm not going to quit my relationship with my real dad but I will protect my relationship with mom more.  As far as my sister, my mom is going to have to respect my relationship with her.  We are bestfriends and now sisters and that's not going to change.  It's hurts because I know my sister is hurt from the way my mom has treated her and she really loved my mom.  Her mom isn't one to be proud of and mine is and she looked up to her until my mom was ugly to her.  One day at a time, I know.  I'll give it time.  Things are quiet now and everyone seems to be content so we will leave it at that for now.   I really like this place.  I can here and get a lot off my chest.   Thank you all.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 4/8/2009 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Always remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/8/2009 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Just,

I'm really glad that you and your mom are talking and visiting with each other. That's so good to hear! You are right in what you said....one day at a time is the best way to take things. Thanks for the update. Best wishes to you and your family.
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