I need some help...

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thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm really new to this but and i've recognized that i need some help, i finslly got the courage to come out and say it after two weeks of being on the site.....so ya

anyways im not happy with who i am or so of the decisions i have made (relationship wise) and i need someone to give advice on what to do and how i can fix myself...its not only affecting me but my relationship..... I love my GF so much been together for almost two years as of june 18 and i feel like im loosing her....i keep doing stupid things and i dont know why...... i know that something apart of me is miss but i dont know what it is......i just want to find it so i can be happy and love myself again....and in turn.....love her like i used to.....so can anyone help?

Post Edited (thend) : 4/8/2009 1:02:03 PM (GMT-6)


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

I'm sorry you are so unhappy. Can you explain a little about what is going on that is affecting you and your relationship?

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
well i feel like im letting all my loved ones down like im falling short..... i dont meet the expectations of the ones i really care about......i keep doing small things to mess up my relationship and in the past i've made so not so good relationship decisions then lied about them then of course came clean but still......i feel as in im letting them down all of them especially my girlfriend....she has been with me through thick and thin......but for some reason i hurt her (emotionally) i dont try to it just happens....she has no idea that im hurting on the inside like i am......and i dont know how to tell her whats going on cause when we are doing good i don want to wreck it.....but when things are bad she doesnt understand the severity of it all so i dont know.....i want to love myself like i used to...at one time i was so happy with who i was...now i hate who i am......i dont love myself. i just resent myself alot and i want to fix that....i have a problem i know this......but how do i learn to love myself again....how.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again, Thend,

I wonder if maybe you should try confiding in your girlfriend about how much you are hurting on the inside. I understand why you don't want to "wreck it" when things are going well, but you also said that when things are going badly, she doesn't understand the severity of the situation. Honesty and communication are really important in a relationship, and I think you should give her a chance and tell her what is really going on with you.

If you think you are suffering from depression and need some help, I would encourage you to talk to your doctor and see if you can get some counseling. I have been in that dark place myself, Thend, where I was miserable about my life and about myself, and I have found that counseling has really helped me a lot.

As far as letting your loved ones down, and not meeting their expectations, I will say this: I know how important it feels to be who and what everyone wants you to be, but the most important thing is that you find a way to be happy with yourself. Parents and other family members and friends usually want us to be happy more than anything else, and I wonder if maybe you should start talking to your loved ones about how you feel, and why you think you might be letting them down. Again, communication is key.

My heart goes out to you, Thend, and I hate to see you hurting like this. I hope you will consider finding someone professionally to talk to, so that you can find a way to feel better and move forward with your relationships in a healthy way. And welcome to HW...it's a wonderful place to talk to people. I hope you will keep posting.

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Doctor is a no go i cant afford professional help.....i've tried to reach out to other loved ones beside my girl friend but they just dont take me seriously...i tell them i need help im hurting on the inside....no one seems to listen....... and i cant confide in her now cause we are fighting again.......the main thing that i know is that i do need help and i am here looking for it....i read other posts and i see the help you all have given each other its amazing.......i want to be as happy as i read about in the other posts.....and i know what i need or i think i do and thats i need to learn to love myself again i just dont know how to do that.....

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

Can you think of a time when you did feel good about yourself, or about something that you did? I'm sure you can think of at least a few good qualities that you have (hey, we all have them!). I can tell already that you care very much about your loved ones, and I think that is a wonderful quality. Also, you have recognized that you want some help, and want to love yourself again, and you have reached out for it. That takes courage, and that's another great quality. Do you have certain things that you enjoy doing, like a hobby or an activity or something at work/school that gets your attention?

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Well im going to school to become an EMT right now.....good qualities........im always on time.....i care alot about people.....i love with not just my heart but my entire soul...the last time i loved myself was a long long time ago

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Obviously, you have great care for others, and I can see that from your posts and what you chose as your field of study at school. I am so impressed by that. Studying to be an EMT is an excellent choice, I think, for someone who has compassion for others. Being on time also shows that you have respect for others and their feelings. You should feel very proud of that, Thend. Being able to reach out to others, in your career and in life, is so important.

Do you have a friend that you hang out with, someone at school or outside of school, who you confide in about things?

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   
it has always been my girl friend and i've tried to a few times but she doesnt get it and im not sure what to do at this point we have decided not to speak for 5 days considering we got into a rather huge fight on monday. and well that was the end result. i need to tell her this, that im so hurt on the inside and the pain im feeling. but im lost my girl friend is like my map and i've lost part of my map in a way..... and now find myself asking this same question over and over again.....

People Wonder Who Will Save Them…….

I Will Save Them……

But…..

Who Saves Me ……

When I’m the one who needs to be saved???


i ask myself that like i said i know i need help and im here for that reason as for school friends and friends in general im so busy studying and stuff i dont have the time

also...thanks for all the nice comments i appreciate that alot....

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

You are welcome. I understand why you ask that question......and it seems to me that a lot of people who are really good at caring for others don't get as much support as they need in return. Maybe that is because a lot of 'caregiving' types don't feel as comfortable being on the receiving end. Or maybe it is because they are more concerned about others than themselves. There comes a time, however, when we all need to be cared for and supported, and sometimes we have to communicate that to people, as much as it is uncomfortable to do so. I know you have already said you don't feel you can talk to your loved ones because they won't take you seriously. Maybe you should give them another chance to be there for you. I think you are right in what you said in your last post....when the time comes that you and your girlfriend are speaking to each other again, you should probably tell her what is going on with you and your feelings. The way I look at the whole 'caring for others' situation is this: You cannot adequately give to others with an empty cup, and it is only when your cup is full that you can share what you have with the world in a healthy way. You deserve to have that full cup, Thend! I don't know what to suggest about counseling beyond what I said before, and I don't know what resources are available to you in your community or through school counseling services, but I hope you will give it some more thought. In the meantime, I hope you will keep posting here on the Depression forum. It's really good to get your feelings out and talk about things.

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
that it is so true it feels good to be heard... and what you said is true i cant give to others what i dont have......i think i have both of those problems its hard to be cared for and i put others before myself..and your right myabe i should i mean some of the things that i have lied about are to hide the fact that im here posting.....im in a way slightly embarrassed by the fact that im here....i mean not to offend anyone i know i need the help but im supposed to be strong for her and stuff and well i dont want her to know that im weak and hurting on the inside......cause im afriad of what she will think of me then but then my heart tells me that she loves me enough to understand...so i feel as if im being pulled in two different directions....

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

I understand what you are getting at. It's hard for a lot of us, I think, to let our guard down and show our true feelings to others when we feel that we are in need. Maybe you can think of it this way.....wouldn't your girlfriend rather know that you trust her enough to confide in her? And isn't it possible that your relationship might deepen and become stronger if you were able to be honest about your feelings? Just a thought. Please don't be embarrassed about asking for help. In my opinion, it takes maturity, strength and courage to ask for help, and you should feel proud that you have that level of self-awareness and that inner strength.

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much Raniah.... i think you are right... i should talk to her about what im feeling i mean there is so much more that i feel though.....like my father ( this is part of my problem) i despise him.... he left my mother and me when i was young and then he just sorta forgot about me..... i kinda feel like i have turned into him or have gotten some of his traits...... and the thing is i dont want to be like him at all and i hate that......i dont want to be my father.......or anything like him....... i always thought i was a better person.... honest, loving, trust worthy, hard working, good hearted, along with other things but i dont feel that way anymore....i feel like im a slacker, that i dont care enough, im hurtful, and im not trustworthy anymore...... all traits i feel my father has.......its hard for me because one day me and my gf got in this huge fight way back on new years and she said.....that i had become just like him.......that hurt so much..... and in a way she was right and wrong...im still good hearted i think cause im here at HW trying to make myself better i still think that im caring....but i feel that im not showing it and im not sure how i can do that....

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

I think a lot of us worry about having some of the negative traits that our parent/parents had. However, awareness of your behaviour, and knowing when you are saying or doing something that is not in line with who you really are inside, is the most important step you can take to remaining true to yourself and the "honest, loving, trustworthy, hardworking, goodhearted" person you have described yourself to be. I think you are still that person inside, Thend. It's common, I think, to feel like a slacker and feel like you don't care when you're depressed and dealing with emotional stress. That doesn't mean that you're not still YOU on the inside. I know you are upset about things you have said and done up to this point, but try to remember that today is different. You are here, talking about your situation, and it seems to me that you are taking steps to move forward. I'm glad you are considering talking to your girlfriend and opening up to her. You still have a chance to show her, and the world, all those great qualities that you know you have inside.

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Ya....this whole fight that happened yesterday was bad it all came from the fact that i thought we were over after new years thats how bad that fight was.....i heard things and thought she was moving on....so i tried to do the same....so i got involved with a freind just talking since she lives in another state but i called her baby and sweety the things i call my GF all the time..... i tried to move on and this was all on my myspace.... well i let her get on my comp and go into my myspace and she found them....i lied about it ashamed that i didnt that i didnt keep that promise i said....i told her i would wait and i did.....but then i didnt see any hope so i did that....the second that i got that hope that we might be togehter again i cut it off and me and that friend went back to being just that friends.......so yea anyways i also lied about the message cause i was ashamed that i didnt keep that promis but ya me and this friend dont have the best past and it has cause problems for me a my gf and the fact that she found out i was talking to her again along with the fact that i said i wasnt talking to her way back when and ya it just was no good i want to show her that im still all of that but im scared that i broke our relationship beyond repair.......

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

Have you told your girlfriend, truthfully, what you did and why you did it?

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Ya i told her that i thought we were over...

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
What was her reaction? Did she believe you?

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
she was so upset i have no idea i lied about the messages when she first found em...i know she was hurt that i was talking to that friend....and stuff so yea i did however call that person last night and told em to take a hike cause that has cause alot of problems between us so ya....umm but ya her reaction was hostile and i dont know if she did or not i hope she did...she has problems trusting me cause i have betrayed her trust before so ya

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, it sounds to me like you have 'fessed up and done what you can do for the time being. From what you've written, it seems that it is up to your girlfriend to decide whether or not she will be able to trust you in the future. Give her some time. I am glad that you have been honest with the other girl about why you cannot continue to communicate with her right now. The best thing you can do, I think, is to give your girlfriend whatever time and space she needs, and to try....as best you can...to focus on your EMT studies and anything else that is important to you or gives meaning or happiness to you. I know you are in pain over this, and want desperately to DO something more.....but I think your girlfriend probably needs some time to herself to deal with her own emotions. Try to move forward from this point, and remember all the good things you have posted about yourself here. I know you like to focus on taking care of others, but remember to take care of yourself, too.

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
You are very right im happy with what i have said and stuff....now i just need to explain myself better to my gf......also i freaked out a week or so ago when she tried to get on my comp then she found that stuff.....i mean i had no idea it was there but ya i freaked cause i didnt want her to find out that i was on HW so i should probably tell her.....casue that would clear some things up

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Thend,

If you feel that you should talk to her about it, then follow your heart. I hope your next conversation with her goes really well. :-)

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you ill keep posting if u keep in touch

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   
You're welcome, Thend. Let us know how it goes!

thend
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 4/7/2009 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
will do
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