Running out of answers for my wife

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mt32
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/10/2009 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I was recently married to my beautiful wife and things were great until a couple of months after. She has always been very emotional and we've both been diagnosed with being hypersensitive. She's had a hard childhood with strict parents and other abusive "things" when she was young. I guess only recently have I seen her extreme incidences with anxiety and depression. She is extremely intelligent and wants so much more out of life but when she hits a roadblock she feels like the world is telling her to drop her dreams and just fall in line with the rest of the people in the world that are unhappy. When she has these episodes, she is often demeaning and tells me how we're so different and how I'm not much of a man in the ways of protecting her from things and basically insinuates that I'm partly to blame for how miserable she is.

We were both in therapy, couples and individual and things were looking up and she was taking steps to further her education until she received notification that she was not admitted into a prestigous program at a local university. I was so afraid that something like this was going to happen and now she's been popping xanex, drinking and sleeping for the past two days. We had a physical encounter where I had to restrain her from hurting herself and at this point I'm so lost on how to help. I've been reading books on how to "talk" to depression and how to help her along but nothing seems to get through to her. She feels that life is telling her to just give up and it's hard to refute that when she continually brings up the fact that she did not get admitted into school, which I still don't understand because she already has one master's degree and she wanted to get a second one.

I'm scared to leave her alone and I feel helpless when she takes her pills and hits the bottle. I hope that within a couple of days her mood will change but for now, i have to assume she's going to continue down this path so I guess I'm looking for any advice that anyone can give me on how to go about handling this situation.

thank you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40591
   Posted 4/10/2009 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi mt32,

It sounds like you really want to be there for your wife. And I am sure that in time she will see that. Right now, try to take things one day at a time and just keep being there for her.

You have come to a good place where many will have advice for you. Are there any things that you could do together that you use to enjoy? For instance nice long walks together? Or going to see a movie? I hope that things work out for you. Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/10/2009 3:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I know we have many other threads from members that are going through the very same thing as you are.
 
I hope these members will be able to help you with ideas and the support you are looking for.  Please do take the time to browse our threads and you will find great input from the members.
 
Again a warm welcome to HW.
 
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
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Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/10/2009 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi mt32,

I'm glad you came here to post. It's a very compassionate and supportive group. I hope I can say something that will help or at least comfort you.

It's often so rewarding, but can be so difficult, too, when two very sensitive people are in a relationship together. You're sensitive enough to share a deep and loving bond with each other, and when one of you is hurting, the other feels it to a very great extent. I can tell how much you love her and how much you're hurting, watching her go through this.

It sounds to me like your wife's childhood was such that she had a lot of pressures on her, and she experienced a lot of hurt. I'm guessing that even back then, she probably felt, at times, like the world was telling her to "drop her dreams" and "fall in line with the rest of the people in the world that are unhappy". It's hard to shake something like that when you grow up that way.

I can understand why it would hurt you terribly when she says you're not succeeding at protecting her from things. Unfortunately, there are a lot of situations in life that others can't protect us from, and I wonder if maybe she feels so helpless in these situations that she's looking for someone to save her, instead of realizing that only she can conquer her own fears and doubts about herself. I really don't think she means to hurt you.....I think she is just desperate to feel better, and wants someone to help her in some way, because she doesn't know what to do.

It must be frustrating and so disappointing for her to be refused admission into the university program she applied for. It sounds like she placed all her hopes and dreams for herself on this one event, and it's an "all or nothing" kind of situation for her. We all have to accept things that are beyond our control, but when we're depressed, and feel powerless, something like this can really seem a message from the universe to 'give up'. Sometimes, the things that we want are just not meant to be for us, at least not at the particular time we want them. That's when we have to turn a corner, and come up with a "plan B" if we can. And sometimes the "plan B" turns out to be the better thing for us in the long run. In this case, it may be that she needs to talk to the admissions department (or whoever is responsible) and see if she can find out why her application was not accepted. Perhaps there is something she can do to remedy the situation and re-apply next time around. Or....alternatively....maybe there is some kind of work (paid or volunteer) that she could do that is related to that particular field, and would support a subsequent application, and from that she could still feel like she was working towards her dream.

Obviously, she is grieving what she feels is an important loss right now, and she may need some time to get over that. I think Karen had some really good suggestions re: doing something together that would help to relax her and get her mind off this until she can come to grips with it.

Is she, or are you as a couple, still in therapy? It might be worth a try to talk to someone professionally about this, if she is up to it.

I really feel for you and your wife, especially since you are struggling through this in the early stages of a marriage. It's obvious that you love her very much, and I hope that things will get better for you. I hope you will keep us posted.

Raniah
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