Does this sound like a sane idea? :(

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jaigst
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/11/2009 12:14 AM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone, im new to the forums. i don't know where to post this, but i hope someone will read what's on my mind :(

im 24/male and have had major depression for atlest 7 years (since I was 16). I've seen a councilor, but have undergone no treatment of any sort. The most i've done is try to undergo a different nutrition plan (ie. gabriel cousens, abram hoffer, etc..) but the results are not in yet.

i'll spare you guys my life story. I just wanted to layout my plan and get feedback. I keep thinking it's insane, that I just make up crazy solutions for myself that are built to fail secretly by my subconscious. Currently i live at home, i have no job, have no college degree, no girlfriend, and pretty much spend all my day concentrating on making a plan to get my life better. i try to make a plan that will get me a girlfriend, help me get my own place, finish school, and so on. the problem is i've been making this plan everyday for a couple of years now.....my main wish in life is to have a girlfriend. i've wished this since the 7th grade everyday.. at this point my entire hope for happiness or being normal revolves around the fact that I am single. my friends stopped calling me a long time ago, i am the guy who shows up without a girlfriend and is depressed and sad looking with low energy - i don't blame them. I just wish someone had the decency to tell me what the secret was. how did they all end up having a happy life and meeting multiple girlfriends throughout the years, while I just prayed to God and consistently got laughed at and blown off by every girl. I wonder what i've done that is so evil to deserve my worst fear - being all alone in bed every day, i can't even make a connection with women as human beings, i feel like a little kid when I talk to them - and i feel like they know it and laugh at me, then they go and date some guy with a chiseled jaw and a really cool personality I will never have.
after years of overanalyzing everything and crying myself to sleep every single day, i've come u with this template of what an acceptable life should look like for me (i just want to be normal and happy like all of these couples i see walking around going to the movies and so on, i never asked to be anything special, i seem to have failed at even the basic essentials for survival).

Currently I sit on my laptop all day looking at peoples myspace/facebook profiles and crying all day long trying to figure out why they all have girlfriends/boyfriends and are working on their masters degree and I've become a complete loser in life.......

plan to start incorporating the following elements:

1- go to school & pt-job (and work toward a degree in something, anything)

2- exercise (interchangeable list of activities: hiking, yoga, biking, etc.. pick & choose - do this atleast 3-4 days a week)

3-a life (this means: family time, reading, concerts, movies, meet friends, getting out there in the crowd at least, sit at a coffee shop)

4 - dating/girlfriend (in reality this is what I really want in the first place, It seems like a lot of people go to work or school (1), have a physical activity (2), a social life with friends and family or similar (3), and they also date girls or have a long term girlfriend (4)

.....I would mesh 3 & 4 together, but then it would seem like i have no life wouldn't it? I would just be some guy who goes to school and does pushups, other than that a complete loser...i don't know.. sometimes i see this whole big picture very clearly and other days i doubt the whole thing and see nothing but a black fog in my brain.

the reason being, I had friends who did not have any of the things on my list.. they didn't have a job or a car and didn't exercise. they just drank beer and played xbox and were living that life. They all have long term relationships with girls.
So then why should I get it together? Why should I do all of these things if they are not pre-requisites to getting a girlfriend? asking girls out doesn't work, because i guess Im missing what every other guy has, some secret mysterious thing they all have inside that i was born without. Everyone says I should get everything else in my life together and then a girl will come along, but that isn't true because i've seen too many cases personally that it wasn't true. Then others say stop looking and it will happen, that isn't true either - because i've tried that one too. I can't eat... I sleep less than 4 hours a night... if i go outside i notice couples laughing and kissing and i go home and cry.. i think about it all day.. i get no pleasure from life or anything at all anymore, it's not worth doing anything without someone you love by your side...

and to tell you guys the truth, i did have a job, a car, was in college full time, had friends to hang with... as im typing this I just realized it, i've made this plan before, and it's failed before.. but its the only plan I know, its what everyone else seems to be doing in life - except for them it works, they all have girlfriends.

what 24 year old girl wants to be with me? they've all had long term partners, lots of sexual experience, lived together and slept with guys hundreds of times... who the hell is going to want some guy who has wasted his teens, and his early 20's crying in his room? nobody...I can't imagine anything in life worse than being single, it's spring again and im still single.. i could go out and do something i like.. but thats what i did last year, and the year before, and the year before - all alone, by myself. I would love to hear a rational and logical argument as to why my mindset is all wrong, because nobody seems to have one. How is depression caused my loneliness cured? what is the condition called where you would rather die than be the only single person you know in real life? because that's what I've had for most of my life.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 4/11/2009 12:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi jaigst!
Welcome to HW! It sounds like you've got some good goals. Mostly, I wonder if you've put some thoughts into all the small steps required to get there b/c, well for me at least, otherwise the bigger goals just seem overwhelming. Setting a goal to send out X number of job applications by Y date, or to find X number of colleges with the program you're interested in by Y date or some such concrete goal can help you both stay focused & feel like you are making some sort of progress. If you want any help with that, I'm sure other members of this forum would join me in offering to help you.

As for the girl ... first off, I want to challenge the statement that you made about all 24 year old girls "had long term partners, lots of sexual experience, lived together and slept with guys hundreds of times". I personally am 31 and am waiting for marriage. I have made plenty of friends who are 25-38 who also have had 2 or fewer sexual relationships. Many of them got married or are about to get married while in their 30's. I myself didn't meet any particularly great guys until last year when I met a fantastic guy who also is waiting for marriage. So while I'm not sure about the exact statistics, I can say with absolute certainty that your statement doesn't hold true for ALL women.

Beyond that, I really do think that you need to find happiness outside of a dating relationship. First off, I haven't seen many relationships work out where the guy was depending on the relationship to make him happy. Either the girl can't fulfill the guy in every possible way & the guy breaks it off and moves on to yet another unfulfilling relationship, or the girl feels the guy is being too needy/clingy & the girl breaks it off and the guy is absolutely crushed. Secondly, I think most girls can tell if the guy is expecting her to bring him happiness and usually the girls won't even give the guy the time of day in those cases. While a job, education, fitness level, sociability and such of a guy can definitely be attractive, any or all of those characteristics coupled with a guy who isn't already happy & confident usually proves to be a turn-off.

I really do genuinely believe that when we invest in ourselves we create the kind of person other people want to be around (and I definitely don't fault you b/c when I decided to start dating in my mid-20's I was met with a lot of failure & it took me over 5 years to figure it out myself). My friends mostly didn't say anything to me either, but eventually I had tried enough other things & knew that I couldn't be that horrible of a person if I had so many friends, that I realized that it had to be that people look for different traits in their dating relationships than in their friendships.

A friend of mine suggested to me that rather than praying for God to send me a great husband, that I should start praying for God to make me a fantastic potential wife. That really changed my mindset b/c instead of focusing on what I couldn't control (making guys date me), I focused on what I COULD do -- trusting my judgment, trying new things, meeting lots of people, being friendly during social activities, etc. I began to see myself not as a loser, but as a late-bloomer. As it turns out, now many of my friends who married younger are jealous b/c they have gone through messy separations & divorces and are now also looking for a new mate, but with the added baggage that comes from a failed marriage. There are both blessings & troubles that come with either getting married early or waiting until later in life, so there really is no "better off". By focusing on being happy & becoming the kind of well-adjusted, confident, kind, generous person that is attractive to many people, you will not only increase your chances of finding a mate, but also almost certainly find that life is much more enjoyable than you ever thought possible for a single person. :)

I don't know whether that answers your question, but I tried to put some thought into it so I hope it did. Hang in there! Trust me -- there are plenty of single gals out there likewise looking for love: it just takes a bit of patience & a bit of work and you will be there before long. ;)

blessings,
frances

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/11/2009 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jaigst,

I'm glad you came here and posted about your situation. Frances has given you lots of excellent advice! I agree with what she has said, especially with respect to finding a way to be happy with yourself first.

I do understand how lonely it can be to be single, but please trust me when I say this: if you are not happy with yourself outside of a relationship, you will not be happy with yourself in a relationship. Being with another person can seem like a saving grace in the early part of a relationship, but our feelings of self-worth, or lack thereof, always come through in the end.

I've been there, Jaigst, and felt dependent on someone else to make me happy, and it just doesn't work that way. You will be a much happier person, and thereby attract other people, if you can find a way to like yourself a little more. You seem like a sensitive, smart and caring person, and I don't believe you really want to be like your old friends who sit around drinking beer and playing games all day. You say that they have girlfriends, but I really wonder what kind of quality there is in a relationship like that, if that is the lifestyle they're leading.

You mentioned that you're involved in a nutrition plan, and I think that's a wonderful start to changing things. Diet and nutrition play a really big role in how we feel, both physically and emotionally, and taking care of yourself in this way is a good boost to your self-esteem. You said that you have seen a counselor, and I'm wondering if this was a short-term situation, or if you are still seeing someone for support. I see a therapist myself, and I find it to be really helpful.....and I'd encourage you to continue with that, if you're not already doing so.

Please don't give up, Jaigst. Frances is right....we're all here to help you. Hang in there, and please keep us posted on how you're doing.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/11/2009 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   

jaigst,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum.  I am glad to see you have been putting some serious thought into your options for living with depression.

You have received great advice.  I would like to suggest that you work through the online CBT course and I will post the infor here for you.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to
feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

The MoodGym Training Program

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Please do consider working through this wonderful program online at your own pace.  It is free.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
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