Once Again, Down and Out

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TeNNiSd0C09
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Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/12/2009 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
So, I havent even been on here in a few days... honestly, I feel like I totally forgot about this place for a while... like I had so much on my mind this place got pushed out.. hmm, my apologies
 
But, I was going to post last night, however, I was afraid to. I knew it wouldnt be a very lively post for sure. So, I decided against it. But, I recently joined LiveJournal and I started a journal a few days ago, so I write EVERYTHING that I need to get out, in the hopes that no family will ever read it! lol
 
So, here goes: (this is purely metaphorical!) I was standing on a curb looking across the street right... and for once I decided to try to make to that other side.. where my friends and everyone were cheering me on. So, after a long and hard controversy I decided to step off. BAM! I got ran over by a bus, train, jet, whale, and everything thats big and would cause pain.
 
So, that was lame right! lol Sorry, just puts it into good terms for me. So, yesterday, I went through a break-up. My first in a VERY long time. It was stupid...they say "I love you, I care about you, and thats why we cant be together...Im too afraid that I will hurt you." So, like, Im not sure if they did it for my own good or not... But, yea, it upset me most because I LET myself get out there. Yea, for once, I took a chance and I told myself it would be worth letting myself try something new. Let go and let myself do something for a change. And its a total downfall when it ends up failing, right..
 
So, I went through a horrible thing last night. Crying and hating myself. I felt stupid and guilty and like everything was my own fault. I started talking to a friend, whom of course told me that it wasnt true. But I didnt believe her. I know its bad when I continue to say bad things about myself repeatedly to her and her having to literally talk me out of it.
 
After a while I calmed down, not for good reason, but since this is HW I wont go into detail of what happen exactly... but after that I was just like whatever. Who cares..I dont. And so today seems like just another depressed, emo kid, wear my hood all day with my beanie on my head... and not talk to anyone kind of day. I was out playing ball but..it didnt do anything for me. All I can do is sit in silence and think about everything... I hate it though. I come on here one day with GREAT news...and the next its HORRIBLE news. Even I get tired of it....
 
So, I really just wanted to let those of you I stay in contact with know how Im doing since I havent really said anything lately, I havent even been emailing really... but Im willing to do so. So, hope everyone else enjoys their Easter...take care
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/12/2009 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Heeja Christi,

Hang on in there dear!! Remember that you had a lot of happy times in the past, and that once the storm is calmed, they will return. Sometimes we choose what feels to be the wrong path. I don't think I can be much of a help to you Christi, but trying to find something positive in every situation has worked so far for me, it might help you too. Because even things that we do that are 100% wrong in our eyes have something positive in it, because we can learn from it. We can become aware of the pain that decision makes. And if we learn enough, we won't have to suffer because of a mistake the next time. That comforts me, because some things can make you sad and you never realize it. You will live life doing that same thing that makes you unhappy. I am sorry if this makes things worse for you, I just don't know what to say...

Also, what comforts me is the thought that by actually experiencing something yourself you can truly learn about the nature of that something. For instance, when I was a kid, depression seemed like a disease that people had that were incompetent in dealing with the world. After experiencing it myself, I can understand depression better, and try to help. It is hard to cure a disease when you don't know what is wrong. When you don't understand. And every time we experience something new, we can use that knowledge to help others around us. I don't say I do that all the time, but it does help.

I am so sorry if I say all the wrong things, I simply can't imagine what a break-up is like (maybe that is one of the advantages of never having a relation).

I am happy and grateful for being granted the pleasure of knowing you, even though it is indirect. Everything you think, do, feel right now is OK. It happened, and still you are perfect the way you are. How can you degrade something that was, is, and always will be perfect?

Take care Christi, and set your eyes to the horizon, as dawn is coming.

Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/12/2009 2:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Erik, I appreciate it

You didnt say the wrong things, my friend last night said the same thing... people always assume they are going to say the wrong things lol how ironic... but anyhow.. today has just been one of those days really. I havent enjoyed any part of it. I have an infinite amount of thoughts racing through my head. I keep letting things circle around and I cant get my head to just STOP. for like 5 seconds. It would be kinda nice. I havent said 5 words today...not out loud of course. Im sure my dad can tell a difference. Everytime he says something to me all I can think is "leave me alone please! I dont want anyone to speak to me..I just dont want to hear anyones voice at all!"... He takes a hint when I dont say anything in return. Although, he hasnt confronted me about it... and I hope it stays that way... I dont want to talk to him about it. I just need my alone time right now ya kno...

Well, I appreciate your response Erik... hope everyone is having a good day
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/12/2009 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Christi,

I hear you sweetie, don't you just hate the  "when people want to help you by leaving you because if they stick around they will hurt you routine.............bah......."  mad

Why don't they just say it like it is, I want out and I am sorry it did not work out.  Period and be gone with them.

By the time they are through with their speech you are convinced that  "Hey, I must have done something to cause this.",  "Is it Me?"

No it is not you,  you did nothing wrong and don't you go beating yourself up.  It did not work out, feel bad about that part but then let it go and know that this does not mean that every relationship is doomed.

Allow yourself to know it is ok to be up and down with the depression and know that people without a dx of depression feel hurt and pain when someone dumps on them.  We just feel it more because we have depression.  We are more sensitive to the pain and we internalize more.

I am glad to hear you are journaling, good for you.  See you are a very postitive person and you are advocating for yourself, you are holding back demons and living life to the best of your ability.  You are one awesome person...........be proud of yourself.

Hugs

Kitt


 

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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/12/2009 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I am sorry that this relationship didn't work out. If I were you, I would take the word that they are trying to do something for your own good. And remember the good times. This person actually really cares about you and must have a reason that they think they might have hurt you in the long run. So try to remember all the good times and know that there will be somebody else when the time comes and when you are ready.

Know that I am thinking about you and email me if you feel like it.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/12/2009 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I agree with all of the above. Break ups are really tough, especially if you are an emotionally deep and sensitive person (and I view those as very good qualities in a person, by the way!). I know it is hard to think of it this way right now, but I firmly believe that when a relationship ends like this, it means that this person is not right for you. You are meant to be with someone else who is better for you in the future. And while you are 'in the meantime', between relationships, it's a chance for you to focus on taking very good care of yourself and your own needs. Please don't ever be down on yourself for 'letting yourself go there'.....or for trying anything your heart desires in life. I've lived life both ways.....putting myself out there, and holding myself back....and I promise you, holding yourself back is a heck of a sad way to live. You would miss out on a lot of rich and wonderful experiences, and you would always wonder what you were missing and if your life could be better if you reached out for it. You are a smart, brave, and loving person, and I know that with some time and good self-care, you will move on from this and feel stronger. (((hugs))) to you, Christi.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 4/14/2009 1:40 AM (GMT -7)   
hi christi, all the posts say everything i was going to say, so i'll say something different. u are unique, only one u, u are a member of this world, u are human, a person, and to this person i send heaps of postive waves your way. kindest of blessings, jamie.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/14/2009 5:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

If you feel like it, please let us know how you are doing. And remember my email is always open to you. I hope that you are doing okay. I know that this was a big blow to you, but you are young, yes young, though I am sure that you hear this all of the time, but you have plenty of time ahead of you for that special relationship that you are looking for. See what the future holds, one door closeing usually leaves another one open.

Take care sweetie, we are all wondering how you are dong. Write when you feel up to it.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/14/2009 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Christi, I truly understand how sad you are over this breakup.  Sometimes we have to realize that it was the best thing for us.  I know how hard it is and the bad feelings but you are a wondeful person with a lot to offer and you will find someone else eventually.  Give yourself a chance to heal and move on.  I will be writing my own sad post soon and you will understand more of these things with relationships.  Take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Aurora


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/14/2009 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay, so I always feel like Im taking you guys on a bi-polar roller coaster, but here goes.

Yes, I was VERY bummed about it. But thats because I wanted so badly to be with someone, even if it meant being with someone I knew wasnt for me. I've known for a long time that we were never meant to be. And I kept lying to myself by telling myself it was good for me to "give it a chance". NO. It wasnt because I knew better. I knew it wouldnt work, but deep down I WANTED it to work so that I could feel comforted by another human being, ya know. I actually feel like Im explaining this is a very effective way for once. I've thought alot about it lately. And I know we werent meant to be. But, I know Im capable of being with someone, and thats what Ive learned. I have learned just how much love I possess and how much I can care and just how committed I can be.

Now, normally Im a very humble person but just this once Im gonna go out on a limb and say "It really doesnt matter because they werent good enough for me. They were too lucky to have a person like me. And although I am a good influence and whoever is with me will be VERY lucky, this person didnt deserve ME!"

Hows that?! lol I couldnt help it...but its the truth. I have acknowledged a certain confidence in myself these past few days. I was silent the day after, but then I started going outside and playing ball again, and not the angry kind of ball I was playing the other day. I was making shot and telling myself how good of a player I am and just being thankful that I have everything that I do and that I can do things that I set my mind too.

I watched some Comedy Central, I enjoy me some comedians! They give me a laugh, and ever since, I been in a good mood. Yesterday I ran some errands and played ball... I watched some tv... chilled with some friends and had a good time. Finally, I was a little back to myself, the self that is confident, outgoing, and FUNNY! So, I seemed enjoyable to be around. (this i got from everyone laughing at what I was saying!) I can be a hoot to be around, given the right mood, of course! lol

And I have friends every which way asking me to come over and go places, play tennis, etc. Today Im supposed to spend the night with a friend. I have to watch my little neice for a while. Im going to go hang out with friends in a while... Im going to volunteer at the hospital in the morning! I miss all my "elder" friends there! (i call them my elder friends cause most of them are retired now, but they are all like family to me! luckily I get to start volunteering again in a few weeks cause it will be summer, cant wait!) And, Sunday I am thinking of going to visit at a church...I been interested in joining there so... I want to check it out. I think it would be good for me to get involved and meet some new people. And its a plus to have a congregation of people who care for you and stuff so I think it would be good support. AND then, Im going with a friend to a couple of "teas". Yes, a tea. Sorority recruitment. We have gotten letters from the college we are going to and Im very interested in joining one. It will give me something fun to do, college experience, and its a great way to meet people who will be like family the rest of your life, ya know....

So, things seem to be on track again. Lets pray they stay that way! So, Im sure this is long enough, thanks for the support and for having my back, I really appreciate how much you guys care for me. It means alot! Thanks!
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/14/2009 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
My Christi,

I am so happy that you sound so good. You really nipped this thing in the bud. I am glad.

Yes you are a very special person and it is their loss. I think that you are right that it wasn't meant to be. The time will come when you find that special person and you will know.

You are doing great and I am so happy for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/14/2009 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen!

Today went with friends and I took my little neice with me, we had a great time! I just got back home and now I have a friend coming over to spend the night...I actually had to cancel a sleepover I had with another friend! lol Thats never happened to me before.... I usually NEVER have plans to do anything and suddenly Im being bombarded with plans and sleepovers and friends and people wanting to do this or that and everything..its crazy really!

So, hopefully things will continue on this path and I can keep this confidence that I am feeling right now. Im feeling pretty good, I dont know why, but Im not going to dare questioning it! Im just glad its here!

Hopefully I can volunteer in the morning and go see my other family... hmm, I just realized I have a lot of family! lol My real family, you guys, and my hospital family! Nice. So, Im going to get going, my room could use a good clean before she gets here. Thanks so much!
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/15/2009 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I know that I said this before, but I am so proud of you once again. You are doing great. And I am glad that you included your niece in your plans. Then you volunteer at the hospital with older patients, you will be rewarded one day for all of the good that you do. You are a wonderful person.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 4/15/2009 5:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

Glad things have turned around for you! I'm glad you're having fun and doing things with friends! Hope things continue happily for you.

Happy wishes for happy days ahead!

Kitt--what you said " Why don't they just say it like it is, I want out and I am sorry it did not work out. Period and be gone with them." That would be great if it actually happened like that. Instead of "it's not you, it's me" or some other crap.
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Seroquel, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12; phenergan, ultram, clonazepam as needed


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/15/2009 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Becky... it was quite annoying... cause we were talking and they were like "i really do care about you...(even) i love you..." but then its "i dont trust myself and I dont want to hurt you" That totally translates into something like "its just not working" or "i've already found someone else"..... I wish people would just say what they mean! Goodness! lol I would be honest and say exactly what I wanted to say... why stall around and make the other person feel like and idiot....ya know!

Goodness... well, I actually have a friend and well, they are kinda crushing on me. I can tell..... which is okay, but once again, I know it would never work. And so, theres this other person Im talking to. And Im prety interested...the only catch is that they dont live here...and long distance relationships are hard... so... bummer! Cause we are SO alike in a lot of areas, but we are opposites in others. Its a total catch...we also have this weird telepathic thing going on! lol We message each other at the same time and ask the same questions at the same time.. its really weird. And we have alot of deep conversations all the time. Even before we knew each others favorite color! lol We just click... they have even stated that they wished we lived closer together cause well, we would get along pretty great! It doesnt feel weird, I just talk like I would with a best friend...

Well, thats enough about my relationship stuff! haha Take Care
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."

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