I have not been in for a while mainly because i just do not know what to say .
There are so many thoughts going through my head it`s getting so hard to concentrate on any one thing .
I went away and saw the oncologist and the surgeon who was going to operate .They decided that it couldn`t be put off any longer .This was friday and so the surgery was set for wednesday .so hubby decided it would be easier for us just to stay where we were as it was a 900 km drive back home .STRESS all the time we were there not only being away from my home but then the thought of the surgery being so close .Tuesday evening i had to ring about pre op instructions only to be told i was not on the list .
The hospital contact the drs and a couple of hours later i was told it had been cancelled .I was so upset and not only that just how hubby had treated me the whole time we were down there .So the following day we drive home and i`m not even thinking of going back at this stage i just do not want to go through it again .
Saturday was our wedding anniversry and of course i should of know he would not remember but atleast i made a nice dinner for him with all his favourites .
I really have been thinking so much about a lot of things in the past week or so as to where i really want to be and i just don`t think i want to be here anymore .But not sure where i really want to be or what i want to do .
Due to the pain from the cancer and the reaction i have been having to goodness knows what i cant do anything around the house .I`m even at the stage now where i don`t even care about the house anymore .
I have been seeing a psychologist and eventhough we take a lot i just don`t feel i am getting anywhere .but i`m still going to see her even if it is only every three weeks ,i really need someone to talk to .
All the dr wants to do is put me on medication and i do not want that nor can i afford it .What he has given me so far has not worked i have lost a lot of confidence in him and there is very little choice of any other one .