My heart is broken in a million pieces and I have such anger

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 4/14/2009 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I almost don't know where to begin I am so sad and so angry at the same time. As some of you know my son has been planning his wedding for Oct. 3 2009.  It has been planned for 8 months. 120 guests for dinner and dancing, the reception room reserved, bride bought her dress and bridesmaid dresses, wedding attendants all on board, his dad and I planning the rehearsal dinner and friends to give showers.  My son and fiance have had their ups and downs but this time everything was falling into place.  She even told him her life would be shattered if she didn't have him.  She is in NC getting her Masters degree, graduating in May. The plan was for her to move back to his condo and they would finalize the rest of the plans.  She calls him out of the blue, says she is worried she won't be able to get a job here, and said it would cost her $1700 to move back. Also she decided that she wanted to stay in NC for the summer until Sept so she could be with her friends.  (who are all graduating anyway and will probably move away). She said she wanted to postpone the wedding. She has other things she wants to do and will he please respect her wishes and give into her again for the thousandth time.  She is an only child, very spoiled and selfish and they have had problems because she wants everything her way.  They were learning to make compromises but it was all on his part.  Well, the long and short of this is that he finally said he had had enough, he was tired of her always changing things and he would no longer take it.  He broke the engagement, the wedding is cancelled and now she is upset and is trying to win him back.  He has told her this is final, he knows they cannot have a good marriage.  He is devastated but doing much better than expected.  He feels this would never work out but he is struggling because he still loves her so much.  This happened on Easter.  Our holiday was ruined.  I am feeling horrible - so sad and I have such anger over this and at her I wish I could just shake her to pieces.  All of our hopes and dreams just gone in one day.  She is very emotionally unstable and I think there is some emotional disconnect with her.  I was so angry on Sun. that I got all the pictures I had of her, found all the notes and letters she wrote me and shredded everything.  I had such strong faith but now I am seriously doubting it.  I am feeling I am being punished by God but I don't know for what reason.  I have had so many bad things happen in my life.  Out of 63 yrs I think only about 10 have been happy.  I have had one crisis after another to deal with, I have had so many illnesses, nothing seems to go right.  I wish I knew how to cope with my anger and sadness.  I am seeing my therapist more often and that helps. But when I am home with my thoughts I just break down.  I need someone to tell me there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. How can I ever trust God again?  I have always been a good and caring person.  I have done so much for others. I am a volunteer.  I give my time to help others.  Why am I being so tortured and broken down?  Please anyone if you can explain this I would appreciate your answers and support.  I know I can't take anymore.
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/14/2009 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I am so sorry that this happened. But maybe it is better now than later. After the wedding happened and your son had put more into the relationship. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

It does sound like she is very spoiled. It seems that you have posted that before. I can imagine that your son is having a hard time dealing with this, but as I said, it is better to find out before the marraige instead of after. I know that a lot of plans have been cancelled. But try to take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself over this. Just be glad he and you didn't invest anymore of your time on her.

I hope that you cheer up soon. Things will get better and remember that we are here to support you. You will get through this.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/14/2009 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

There is a dim light at the other end of the tunnel
the tunnel brightens more as I draw closer
Fear, my worst enemy wants me to give up.
Hope my most valuable companion keeps me moving on.
Taking one step ahead is not easy but I shall overcome.
For I believe that all the suffering is not put to waste.
For there is a dim light at the other end of the tunnel.
~ Nathan Gwira ~

I am so sorry for your son as he has had a long hard ride with this young woman and now he has to watch his dream fade away but I know in time he will meet the right person.
 
I do not know why bad things happen to good people Aurora but they do, however we have many good times too.  The birth of our children and the opportunities that come with being a Mother.

You never know when the answers you are looking for will come to your doorstep. You know we are here for you and you are there for your son............right now this is about him and I know as a Mom you will be by his side and help him move forward with his life.

Take care my friend and do not despair.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

 

 



 

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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 4/14/2009 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,
 
I don't know if this will help - but can you try & see it from a different perspective - your son has finally taken control and he is now doing what he wants, he's moving forward in his life - can that be such a bad thing?
 
I know its a lot of expense with cancelling the wedding, but maybe your son will meet someone who is so much better for him & will make him so much happier. I think she sounds so selfish and I am sure that your son is better of without her even thought it may not seem like it right now.
 
I guess you are all moving forward now and although it's all messed up and raw at the minute in time I think it will probably be for the best!
 
I hope that your feeling better soon
 
 
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


Korissa
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 337
   Posted 4/14/2009 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Aurora, how my heart aches for you.

I am your age and have felt the same anger you feel towards life and towards God. I have been lifted up by hope so many times only to have all my hope destroyed. I have wondered like you why MY prayers do not get answered when others SEEM to have an easy life without even praying. Like you, I pinpoint 7 wonderful years in my adult life which came to an unhappy end. And I dread a future being alone.

I know we live in a fallen world so we won't have it easy here on earth. Still I expect more. Counting my blessings and being thankful does help, but I still struggle.

You are too close to the situation now, but eventually, concerning your son, I think you will see it was for the best for your son and therefore for you.

I guess I have no real answers for you, but try to keep the faith. God can handle your anger.

Hugs

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/14/2009 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your help and kind words of encouragement. It is true that the situation is just too raw right now and that may be why my thoughts are irrational. I know in my heart this is for the best. It is so hard to see your child suffer. But while he is hurting too, he is the one who made the decision to break off the engagement. Obviously he feels this would not be right for him no matter how painful it is to get through right now. He is handling it at the moment in a very mature way. I know however that there will be rough days ahead. One does not get over love for a person overnight.

Korissa, we seem to have a lot in common. I am very angry and hurt right now but like you I am still expecting more out of life. And with time I will heal too. I will try to keep my faith but right now I have to let my anger out and it seems to be directed at God who I feel has given me too much to handle. There is always the saying that God never gives you more than you can handle but for me I feel I have been given way too much to handle at this time. I will work with my therapist and I know that I am a great comfort and support to my son. We have a very close and loving relationship. We can always count on each other.

Aurora

MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/14/2009 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Honey, your son is alive. For that alone I am thankful.
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Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/14/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,

I'm so sorry, for you and your son, that you both have this burden and pain to bear. I believe, from everything you've told us, that your son has made the right choice. As much as your heart aches right now......and I can tell how much it does.....I fear that things would be immeasurably worse if this marriage had come to pass. I will pray for healing for both of you. I'm so thankful to read that you have a close relationship with your son. That is a priceless gift, and a true blessing.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18766
   Posted 4/15/2009 4:49 AM (GMT -7)   
healing blessings 2 u. jamie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/15/2009 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,

I truly agree with Raniah, it would have been far worse if the marraige had taken place and they would have split up later down the road. It would have probably been much more emotional and devastating. Besides all the money that would have went into the wedding.

You can be angry at her, but it is time to let that go and focus on other things. By the sound of it, your son is relieved to have this over, just be there for him as he needs you.

Try to take care of you Aurora, and know that we are here to support you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


blueboy83
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 4/15/2009 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
as long as you and your son have eachother, you will be o.k. you are alive and so is he. he seems to be taking this in stride and I know he would want you to cheer up. my mother and I are very close and I always go to her for comfort. your son needs you to be strong for him, though I know it's too easy said than done. I too have to get better for my 5yr old daughter, she can tell i'm struggling right now. she looks into my eyes with concern, kisses me, and says "i love you daddy". I know you can do it, Aurora.
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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/15/2009 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you each and everyone for your kind words and support.  I am trying to write this through all my tears.  My heart is truly broken.  My son has his good days and bad days but he seems to be realizing this is the best for him.  I know that his fiance is hurting even more than he is.  She now seems to want to work it out with him but he just feels that it can never work so he is moving on.  My problem is I have  too much time on my hands.  I am looking very hard to find a part time job but no one will hire me.  I am either too experienced or too old.  I am thinking of taking on some extra work where I volunteer.  At least I will get out of the house and see other people.  Right now I need a lot of distraction.  I am trying not to be angry at her but she has done so many things to hurt him.  It's as if she can't help herself in sabotoging the relationship.  I still have anger but it is directed more at the situation than anything.  I am just sad that there will be no wedding that I was so looking forward to.  But if they married and it didn't work out then all that money would have been spent and the heartache would be even worse.  I am trying - I just really need a lot of support right now and hope I will still hear from all of you.  I appreciate all you are doing to help me.

Aurora


enWayen
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Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/15/2009 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Aurora,

Hold on! I am sorry, but I have no time at the moment to read...

Take care dear, and feel free to mail me any time you want!!

Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/15/2009 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

Know that we all support you and are praying for you. I honestly think that this was for the best. As you said there would have been a lot of money spent on the wedding, and if this would of happened at a later time, there would have been a lot more pain and suffering.

Try not to be angry. It doesn't do you any good, and I am sure that she is hurt herself with the fact that he doesn't want to make up and get back together. I think this is really for the best. It doesn't sound like she is the type of girl that your son needs. Feel bad for her, but try not to be angry with her, she sounds like the type to sabatog her own happiness all of the time, and that is not a happy person. She is probably really hurting about now. I guess I just don't want you angry because I know that it makes you feel bad.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/15/2009 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I've been reading through your posts again, and thinking about this situation and how you must be feeling. I think you should give yourself as much time as you need to be angry and sad, as long as you are releasing those feelings as they come and not holding onto them or letting them build. It’s perfectly understandable, and anyone carrying as much love and hope in their heart would need time to accept the circumstances and move on. Please be patient with yourself, and know that it takes as long as it takes.

I understand why you would be angry with God and feel that He has forsaken you, but perhaps looking at it this way might help: You want more than anything for your son to be happy. God has shown your son who this woman truly is and what her problems are, prior to marriage, and your son has had the opportunity to make a choice for himself. Your son has chosen to move on with his life, because he has seen that his chances for happiness with this woman are slim to none. Only God knows why they became involved in the first place, but maybe there is an important lesson in this for your son, and this lesson will guide him and help him to choose his true life partner when the time is right.

You have said that your son’s fiancée is emotionally unstable, and emotionally disconnected, and is hurting more than your son is at this time. To me, that shows that even in your anger and sadness, you are able to see that this woman has problems and pain, and is in need of healing herself. I realize that it is much too soon right now for you to put this painful situation aside, but someday down the road you may get to a point where you can forgive this woman for what she has done, and see that she has a lot of work to do on herself before she is able to commit in a healthy way to anyone. Like Karen said, it sounds like she may be the type who sabotages her own happiness, and that is truly sad indeed.

It sounds like your son is doing well, despite the obvious grief he must be dealing with, and I hope you can find some comfort in his strength and his ability to move forward.

I understand, as many of us do here, how difficult it is to deal with pain and sadness when you have too few distractions. I think your idea about increasing your volunteer work is a good one. Even though I don’t know the specifics of your work, I do know that doing things to benefit others is a wonderful and soothing balm to the heart. By giving, we are receiving…..and I hope that your activities will give you some respite from your grief.

Please keep us posted. I wish you and your son the very best.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/15/2009 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen, thanks for your support.  I talked with my son today and he seems to be managing pretty well.  I know he has a lot to think about and is suffering.  His fiance (ex) called him last night and he decided to talk to her because she is giving the impression that she hopes they will get back together.  He made it clear to her that it is really over.  She is feeling terrible, much worse than him because she knows that she ruined everything by losing control of her emotions.  I do feel bad for her because I truly cared about her and was so happy I was going to have a daughter in law.  I thought they were meant for each other but I guess that is not the case. At least I have my therapist to help me with this as we have spoken about them and their relationship over the years.  I guess at this point I am sad and hurt rather than angry. I think when I first heard it was over my first reaction was one of anger as yet another thing has gone wrong in my life.  I still try to hold the hope that better things are in my future but since that hasn't been the case I guess all I am looking for is peace in my life and maybe contentment. It just helps me to write about all of this and know I can come here and have the caring and support you all give me.  I don't know how long it will take me to heal or even feel a little better.  It is almost like I had a breakup too.  That may sound silly but I hurt so for my son.  Please all keep posting to me - I really need your comfort right now.

Aurora


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/15/2009 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Raniah, I have read your last post several times and everything you say really makes sense.  I think my first reaction to the whole situation was anger and I directed it the wrong way.  I think you are right in that this may be God's way of saving my son from the heartache that a failed marriage would bring.  I am seeing things more clearly now.  I am not so much angry anymore as I am just sad and disappointed. And my son's fiance was so much a part of my life that while I know she has some serious emotional problems, I am able to have feelings of sadness for her that she too is suffering so much right now.  I think I have to rely on my faith and that will help me to heal in a better way than being angry at God.  Life works in strange ways and we just have to accept what happens to us is for a reason.  I know that I am a very big support system to my son and he knows he can always count on me.  And he is always there for me when I hurt.  So thank you for being so kind and writing such a thoughful post.  It means a lot to me to know the people on this forum do care and have compassion.

Many hugs,

Aurora 


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/15/2009 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

You are so welcome, and I hope something I said has helped or encouraged you in some way. In my short time here, I've seen how you support and give help to members in need, and you deserve the same support in return. I can tell from what you've written that you really cared for your son's fiancée, and naturally you are grieving the loss of a dream you had for your family. I hope and pray that you and your son will have your sadness lifted and will be given some new light in your lives to help you move forward when you are ready. God bless both of you.
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