still hurting, need to get my feelings out

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 4/17/2009 5:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I am really having difficulty with the heartache I feel for my son over his broken engagement.  I have totally supported him and he comes to me and we talk alot.  He needs reassurance that he did nothing wrong and that his breakup was strictly her inability to cope with her stress and life in general.  I do know it takes two to make a relationship but he gave more than 110%.  I was reading an article on the web about people who self sabotage and it described her exactly.  She reaches a certain level of success or hapiness and then she just disconnects and falls apart.  I keep telling my son it is best that the marriage didn't happen.  They could have gotten married and a few weeks or months later she could have done this.  He is having trouble seeing beyond his pain right now.  He says he knows he will recover and eventually go on and meet someone else but he keeps having reminders of where they used to go and the plans they had for the summer. He keeps saying he has nothing to look forward to. But I tell him he has to give it time and to find some activities to keep busy.  I am encouraging him to seek counseling because I believe a neutral person can give him a better perspective on the whole thing.  I still feel so much pain. I had such hopes for the hapiness a weddng brings.  I too feel I don't have anything to look forward to.  Summer is coming and both my boys will be going to MI most weekends and I will have my lonely times.  The summer has always been so depressing for me.  I am trying to think ahead to see what I could plan to help me get by this summer. I do see my therapist soon so I know she will help me with this.  I guess the only thing that will help is for the time to pass. I wish I had more friends but when you are my age it is a lot harder to find new friendships.  I guess I will try to find more activities but i'm too young for some and too old for others.  Well, I just needed to write out how I was feeling to help relieve some of the stress.
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/17/2009 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I am so glad that you posted your feelings. You are right, it is going to take time for all of you to heal. So take this one day at a time, and I am sure each day will get easier.

I wonder how she is feeling right now. I had a feeling that she was one of those who sabatog their own happiness. She is probably really sad right now. Have you talked to her, or do you feel it is better not to? I am sure that she is regretting her actions.

I hope that you find things to occupy your time during the summer. Do you garden at all? Do you plant any flowers? That is what I do. I also mushroom hunt in the spring. That will be starting soon. It is good exercise walking in the woods. I hope that we get good rain so that the mushrooms will come up. Are there any support groups where you live? That might be something to consider. Or donating some of your time. Volunteering I mean. I have planned to go by the animal shelter and walk dogs. They need people to do that.

I hope that you feel better Aurora. Keep posting as I am sure that it will make you feel better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/17/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Karen for your reply.  I have not spoken to my son's fiance.  I don't think he would want me to and she would probably be very embarassed.  I wish I could though and tell her the extend of what she did spread throughout my whole family.  We are all hurting.  My other son was planning his brother's bachelor party. When I go back and read that article it describes so much the way she is and how ideas that were formed in childhood affect her now.  Yes, I do garden. I have a lovely garden with beautiful rose bushes in all colors from red, pink, white, yellow and orange.  I also have some perennials, hydrangea bushes, clamatis, irises, tulips.  Have to find something to keep the rabbits from biting the buds off my tulips.  I also plant an annual garden with geraniums, lysthiansis, dusty miller, impatiens, all different coleus, anything I find that is unusual.  The other thing I have is 6 very tall rose of sharon bushes, more like trees now. They don't bloom until late August but when they do they are filled with blossoms.  I used to go to a depression support group but I stopped going because most of the people there were the parents of bipolar adult children and I didn't find much support for myself.  I could still give it a try.  They have lectures at the Senior Center where I volunteer so I could go to some of those.  It is an amazing center and they have so many classes and things to do.  Only thing is I feel I don't quite fit in as most people are in their 70s and 80s.  It's fine for volunteering but I don't know about joining in the activities.  I'll have to see what I can find.  Still looking for a part time job but no prospects.  Well, I feel better writing so I am glad you answered me so I could get a bit more out of me.

Many hugs,

Aurora


THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 4/18/2009 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
i have been in the same sit as your son, and i now have met someone absolutely remarkable and beautiful. time, yes. from reading your post u are doing a remarkable job with your son. keep strong, luv jamie

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/18/2009 7:20 AM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you have a beautiful garden Aurora. I love all of the flowers that you described. I have two greenhouses, though we only use one. One year, I found a dusty miller that looked like a ferny lace. I haven't seen it since, but I look for it. Maybe not as many people liked it like I did. I just loved the look that it gave to plant arrangements. There are so many perennials that we can't grow up here in the north. But there are a lot we can, though my garden goes unattended due to my fibromyalgia and I am losing a lot of my plants. But I do try to plant a lot in my greenhouse, they stay in there all summer. Including a few plants that I winter over, geraniums, hibiscus and heliotrope.

I too am looking for a part time job. I thought it would be much easier than it has been. But due to the economy, there are more lookers than there are jobs. But I keep trying. We could definately use some extra money. I have property taxes to pay, and that isn't cheap. So we can wish eachother luck.

I hope that you have a good day today. Keep pushing along, things will get back to normal soon. Think about the gardening and all the beautiful plants that you will have coming up. I got crocus, daffodils and irises popping up.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/18/2009 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   

Jamiee, Thanks for your reply.  I am just wondering a little about your situation.  How long did you have a relationship with this person you broke up with?  And did it take you a long time to heal?  Is there anything specific you did to help yourself to feel better?  Maybe  some ideas I can pass on to my son?  How long did it take to really get over the relationship and find your new one, and are you feeling good and happy with this new one. Do you still think about your old relationship and wonder whar would have happened?  I know I am being so nosey to ask all of this of you and if you don't want to answer I certainly understand.  I am trying so hard to help my son but I think he will be best off with some counseling and to just let the time go by.  This is so hard for him as he was engaged and they had the wedding all planned and deposits put down.  They were to finalize the rest this summer.  I just ache so for him, I wish I could transfer all this pain to me.  Thank you for any help you can give me.

Aurora


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/18/2009 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

My heart goes out to you in your continuing sadness and disappointment. I know it must be comforting for you and your son to have each other at this time. I'm so moved by your closeness, and your dedication to him and his healing. He is very lucky to have you for a mother.

As you have already said, this will take time, and you need something to occupy your mind and give you some enjoyment. Your garden sounds just lovely, and I can imagine you must be quite knowledgeable and experienced to have fostered such a garden. Is there any kind of organization where you live that could benefit from these talents (either paid or volunteer)? As far as the age dilemma with the Senior Center, I've noticed, in my own search for fulfilling activities, that book clubs and art classes seem to have participants from every age group. The same goes for the aquafitness class I took recently. Just a few thoughts for you to consider.

As far as your son's healing, if you don't mind me putting my $.02 in, I found that the best thing I did when my marriage ended was to get some good counseling and to read some books on my own about relationships and grieving. Needless to say, prayer was a constant source of healing for me as well.

I hope things will get a little brighter for you with each passing day, Aurora. You deserve to have something to look forward to this summer. :-)

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/18/2009 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Raniah,  thanks again for your reply.  Today is my son's 30th birthday.  I spoke with him and he is doing remarkably well.  He went out with his dad and stepmom last night and they had a good talk.  He is beginning to see things so much clearer for what went wrong.  HIs fiance(ex) has suffered from low self esteem and it seems she has the problem of being one who self sabotages herself.  They have had their share of problems and he always stood by her. She has never given in to him or even tried to compromise.  He realized it would never be a good marriage so he felt it was best to leave now.  She is of course devastated and can't believe he won't put up with her razzmatazz again. But a person can only take so much before they say enough. He is going to get counseling at a very good place and I ordered him some books on the breakup of relationships and how to survive lost love.  He has many friends and they are all rallying around him and giving him lots of support.  In fact they are having a birthday party for him tonight.  We are going out tomorrow night to celebrate with his brother.  I am just amazed at how clear he sees things for what they are. That is not to say there won't be rough days ahead but he knows that and I think the counseling will help. As for me, there are a lot of lectures and different programs that the libraries around here have.  Also, I live near a BIG city and there is so much to do with all the museums and art shows so I think I will be OK.  My friends have been supportive too. I also have a wonderful therapist who I have seen off and on since my divorce.  Can you believe I have been divorced 25 yrs?  My husband left me with 2 babies but I recovered. Thank you again for always thinking of me.  While I am sad I understand what went wrong and I know that time will heal us. Please post me anytime and let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. 

Many hugs,

Aurora


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/19/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I'm glad to read that your son is doing well and able to enjoy the celebration of his birthday. It sounds to me like he is strong and wise, and in touch with his emotions, and that's really good.....especially during this tough time. It's wonderful that he has so much support, from you, and from his dad and his friends, too. I'm also glad to read that he is going to see a counselor, and that you were able to find some books for him to help him along the way. Like I said before, he is lucky to have you. :-)

It sounds like you have a good support system, too, with your friends and your therapist, and you have some good options for things to do this summer, which is wonderful. I take my hat off to you, experiencing divorce with two children to raise.......I've found it difficult doing it alone (the children we raised were my ex's bio children), and I can only imagine what it must have taken for you to cope. I hope you don't mind me asking this, but did you ever have an interest in a serious relationship after your divorce? I'm not at the stage where I'm looking, and I'm not sure if I will ever be in the position where I want to 'go there' again. I can see, perhaps, wanting to have dates or companionship eventually, but I really enjoy living alone (as I did prior to marriage), and I don't see myself wanting to marry again.

Thank you for your offer of support in return. I so appreciate that! If you have any advice or words of wisdom on how you moved forward after divorce, I'd be so pleased to hear them.

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/19/2009 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Aurora,

I am sorry I have been late in posting here, I did post on your other thread.  I am so happy your son did go out on his birthday and that shows me that he is moving on.  Happy Birthday to Him.

I know you are sad for him as I understand this, my oldest son went through a bad first marriage and now his second wife seems to have gone round the bend for whatever reason.  I do know why but that is not relevant right now, I just know how bad I feel for my son who lives on the west coast with his family and we are in the midwest.  I cry for him when he tells me what is going on.

Yet I know I cannot call my DIL and butt in just as you are not calling your son's ex fiancee'.  I would probably not be able to stay in the calm mode so it is best I just sit back and support my son as you are doing.  Your a good role model for me Aurora.  Thank you for that.

I hope that the sadness soon passes and you will be feeling better.  You have all my support.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

 


 

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/19/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Raniah,  After my divorce I waited about 3 yrs before I started dating again.  I had little children to raise and couldn't put any effort into a relationship or doing much else but concentrate on my kids.  Then I joined a singles group.  I met many wonderful people and a lot of men and began to date.  I had friends fix me up and I had lots of dates, most weren't anything special.  Then a friend fixed me up with her brother and we began to date and ended up having a 5 yr relationship.  I adored him.  We did so many fun things and had a lot in common. We went to the movies every Fri night. That's how I became such a movie buff.Well, he got a job offer in CA and decided to take it and he moved.  We tried to keep the relationship going long distance but I can tell you that never works.  We discussed marriage but something in me said I wasn't sure it would work out in the long run and I did not want to uproot my kids, move to CA and if it didn't work out I would be all alone.  I broke off the relationship. It was hard but I had been thru divorce so this was easier.  I continued to date and had one other relationship that lasted about a year but now I am just good friends with that man.  At this point in my life I have been alone for so long that I really don't care to be involved with anyone.  It may sound selfish but I have my own ways and I enjoy having to answer to no one. You have to do what is best for you.  If you find someone you think would be fun to date go ahead and try it. I don't know how long you have been single and how available dates are where you live.  I also have the problem that I am getting older and most men my age want the 30 something women.  Last year while I was volunteering at the Senior Center an 89 yr old man tried to pick me up.  He asked me out for lunch.  I thanked him but said I was involved with someone.  Always a good excuse to have if you don't want to go.  So all I can say is if you are ready and feel like going out why not try it. I wouldn't mind a companion for dinner or a movie but that is all I would want and I am certainly not looking.  Let me know what you decide. Good luck

Hugs,

Aurora


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/20/2009 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

Thank you for being so open about your situation.....it really helps me to put my own into perspective. I don't think you sound selfish wanting to have your own ways and not wanting to answer to anyone! That is how I feel right now, and it's probably why I stayed single as long as I did before I married. I have always enjoyed being alone and living independently, and I suspect that is how it will stay for a long time. :-)

I hope you are feeling well today, and a little less sad. Thank you again for your advice - I do appreciate it.
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