Lately, well actually I’ve been like this for a while, unable to describe my mood/emotions. I’m at college right now and I know its supposed to be the greatest time of my life and although its ok, I feel like it should better. I'm having fun some of the time but its not exactly the best time of my life, but there is no way I’m depressed. I find myself no longer caring if I meet new people let alone hang out with my new friends unlike my first semester where we would hang out in the hallway til 2am (I don’t know what happened this semester). I hardly leave my room except for practice, food and class and I almost never leave to see a friend down the hallway. I don’t care about anything and I don’t take anything seriously but I like to pull pranks and joke around with people. I feel the need to get good grades but it seems like no matter how much studying I do I can never get an A let alone barely pull off a B while the majority of my grades are C’s. I don’t care about relationships with girls although it would probably be nice to have one but I don’t feel obligated to myself to go out and get a girlfriend. In 5th grade some people found out the girl I liked. They told me they were going to tell her the next day and I didn’t want them to tell. I didn’t go to school the next day and still don’t know if they did or didn’t tell. The feeling I had of the girl finding out was just…. I don’t know, I just hate putting myself in that position, vulnerable I guess is the feeling, and I’ve never really allowed it to happen to this day, I know its strange and that I should really open up but that’s just me, maybe I’m insecure.
I am a selfish person but I know it and don’t show it. When people ask for something of mine I usually let them use it b/c I don’t want to give off the appearance of being selfish. I’m used to this since I had a brother and have always had to share. Well, I guess I’m not really selfish, I just feel wronged when people are selfish to me if I ask for something and they are an ****** about it. I really over think things and I know that I’m doing it but can’t help it. I over think every situation and what I should or shouldn’t do and I know that I should really not worry about it. I’m very relaxed and laid back most of the time and don’t really go out much but I would if invited. I never actually want to drink but if my friends are doing it I’ll join in b/c I have nothing better to do. I’m really self conscious and find myself thinking about my future quite often. If people call me a name, even if they’re joking, I’m offended but realized I shouldn’t be. I don’t show it and get over it. I find myself around people and friends at college who I have basically absolutely nothing in common with. I feel separated but at the same time i dont. It’s extremely disorientating.
I feel that I have a large variety of interests. I am completely obsessed with dirt bikes and everything to do with them. I could talk for weeks nonstop about the different brands, stories, races; basically anything and everything. I played soccer for the greater part of my life and thought that I was pretty good. In my younger days I was filled with confidence and would take on any defender but lost all of this as soon as I started playing high school soccer where I was no longer the star and was always afraid of making mistakes. I was still a decent player and made the all star team but with little confidence in the great player that I was. I also went to an elite soccer camp the summer before my senior year. I had enough skills to be there and play but was at the average to low end of the players at the camp. I don’t know what happened to me in high school and why I didn’t retain my confidence. This applies to my confidence in life to, it’s strange. Its not that I dont have any its just.... I guess I doubt myself. But, I’ve realized that I am extremely confident while riding dirt bikes. I spend all of my free time when I’m at home riding, racing friends and working on my bike. Every time I think about it, I smile and I think about it multiple times each and every day. My life revolves around dirt bikes and motocross but I haven’t met anyone at college who is obsessed about it as I am and my friends now don’t understand the feelings and experiences I have had on my bike. Besides motocross, I’ve notice that I like animals. I’ve been in 4-h for the last 9 years or so and this is my last year. Only now that im away at college do I realize how much im going to miss raising animals and competing in shows. I really enjoy being out in the country but my college is in a suburb of Philly. I feel like over the last year, everything I’ve ever done is leaving my life and is going to be gone for a long time.
Why am I having such random thoughts and feelings?
Sorry its so long and random, just the way i was feeling/thinking when i wrote it.
sorry if i get confused, i get this on long info. from your post you have expressed things you enjoy and things that you use to. may i ask your age? obviously college has it's drawbacks, esp when u are missing cutting it up in the bush! sounds like things are changing and evolving for you, life is about change. in terms of depression i am worried about you isolating yourself, and when people otherwise lose interest in things they usually enjoy, or do not care enough about, ie your grades, from me to you i would suggest having a chat to the college counsellor or family doctor. if this is the eary symptomology of depression, then this would be the time to nip it in the bud.
do not forget that depression is a medical condition. it can strike slowly, and tends to manifest for some via the situation you are presenting. not a doc, but know about depression. stay safe, keep posting. jamie, 37, male
Seek group support. Seek other freshman's advice. It helps to know there is someone else like yourself dealing with the same thing. You may find comfort and support as well. Get to know students in your class. Talk to the one's you feel closest to. If you feel you can trust them, let them know how anxious you feel. By letting some of your peers in, this will create a lasting bond you can treasure for a lifetime.