Must let go of the past or let go of the future

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Hendrix65
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/19/2009 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi fellow forum users, this is my first post and I need some advice about something and have great difficultly talking about it with anybody but was recommended to post anonymously on this forum.

I am a forty-three year old man who was married for over seventeen years and the relationship broke down after my spouse began cheating almost seven years ago. During the past seven years I have not had a single relationship with another woman because I was devastated by the outcome of my previous relationship. Ten weeks ago I was introduced to a beautiful twenty-four year old woman by a mutual friend and each day our relationship became stronger and we became increasingly emotionally dependent upon each other. After approximately six weeks knowing each other she told me one evening that she loved me and I was speechless. I knew even before then I was falling in love with her but I spent the following three days an emotional wreck and finally admitted to her that I loved her too. Since then every day our love has grown increasingly stronger and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about her feelings for me or my feelings for her.

The problem is that deep inside I am so afraid of being hurt again that at times I just want to throw the relationship out the window and run away scared. When we are together I am on an emotional high and can't wait to see what the future brings but often when we are apart I can't shake the bad feelings I have. As you may expect the difference in our ages has caused me some concern but even when I brought it up while talking with her parents they expressed all they cared about was that she was happy. Fact is I have been welcomed by her family with open arms and any problems associated with them are purely a fabrication of my mind. The relationship is perfect in every way I can imagine and if anything I feel as if I am not worthy of her love. Even in my dreams I do not believe I could have a better relationship with this woman and every moment spent with her can be described as nothing less then perfect. One point to note is that we have not had sex and unlike many relationships in today's society that is not what our relationship is based upon, both her and her family are devote Roman Catholics and I am the only boyfriend she has ever had.

The only problem we have ever had in our relationship was when I tried to discuss this problem with her one day but had a difficult time expressing what I was feeling and she ended up thinking I had doubts about her feelings for me. She was devastated and cried all morning but after a very emotional morning of damage control with her and her family our relationship was back on track. Now I am afraid to discuss it with her anymore because of how much it hurt her and leaving me nowhere else to turn except this forum. I really want to stop thinking about how I have been hurt in the past because it is destroying my chances for a happy future and any advice or suggested reading on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Hendrix,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.

My first marraige, my husband and I had 18 years between us. I lost him to cancer in 2000. Now I am married again and my husband is 16 years older than me. So the age isn't that big of a deal. As long as the two of you are happy. Though some people can't handle the age difference, some can.

I think that the title of your post says it all. You don't want to dwell on the past, and you really should not worry about the future. Take life one day at a time. If for some reason things don't work out in the future, you can still say that the time you had together was good, right? So what is there to lose. Just be completely honest with her about your feelings and take it one day at a time.

Best wishes

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Hendrix65
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank-you so much for your kind words Karen, I really appreciate the time you took to read my post and respond. I have a bad case of once bitten twice shy and hate the fact I cannot stop worrying about being hurt again. I agree that taking one day at a time is the best approach but after a couple weeks of dealing with this problem every day I felt I had to turn somewhere for advice. When my ex-wife and I split up I was hurt very badly and I honestly don't feel I could ever go through that again which is the basis for my fears. I suppose I have survived it once so I shouldn't worry about it so much but I am having a very difficult time looking at it that way. Thanks again for your kind words and I wish you the best in your future.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I am afraid that if you continue to worry about things, you wont be able to relax and enjoy your relationship with your present significant other. Please do take that into consideration. I know that you are afraid because of the past. So am I. I am thankful for every day that I am able to spend with my husband. But being I lost my first one to cancer, there is always that fear. But if I worry about it, it will be time spent worrying instead of enjoying. So I told myself I would do this one day at a time, and it has been going good. I hope that you can come to the conclusion that you are going to be happy.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Hendrix65
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/19/2009 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I have just confided in my girlfriends cousin about my feelings and she has agreed to sit down with my girlfriend and I so we can discuss it and hopefully find a solution. I really do hate to feel the way I do sometimes and I do believe once my girlfriend understands she will be able to help me through it. The first time I spoke with her about it I messed up so badly I had been afraid to discuss it anymore but with her cousins help I am sure she will understand. I will still happily accept any advice on this matter and would appreciate learning how other people have dealt with leaving the past behind them so they can enjoy their future. I know my problem pales in comparison to problems other people have had in their past but I would be interested in learning how other people have moved on.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 4/19/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
It is as simple as putting the past behind you and moving on. You can't continue to compare your present girlfriend with your past. That isn't fair to her. I can see how it hurt her when you brought it up last time. You are making her pay for past mistakes that she didn't even make. And by continuing to make this in itself an issue, you are saying that you don't trust her not to hurt you. So think about what it is you are doing and decide if it is worth it. You wanted the advice and that is how I am seeing this. If you think hashing out these feelings is revelant to the issue at hand, then go for it. But don't be surprised if she feels hurt. If she understands, you have a remarkable woman, but if she doesn't, don't blame her. It would be only natural. I am just trying to show you how she is most likely viewing this.

Best wishes to you, there will most likely be others posting on this topic tomorrow.
 
Don't be surprised if your girlfriend gets a little bummed out because you confided in her cousin instead of her.  You can't blame her if she does, put the shoe on the other foot and see how you would feel if she did that to you.  I don't want you to think that I feel that you did everything wrong, I can see why you would want to discuss this with her, but I feel that you are making too much out of it and I am afraid that she is going to feel the same way.  She doesn't understand why you are afraid that she is going to hurt you.   Because she doesn't intend to.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 4/19/2009 8:29:40 PM (GMT-6)


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 4/19/2009 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Hendrix, I am so glad you found us.  I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation.  My son has been engaged for the past 7 months with a wedding all planned for Oct. His fiance got cold feet, emotional disconnect, the result being they are broken up - no wedding and everyone broken hearted.  I am happy to say he sees very clearly that she was not right for him and he is learning to move on.  Why am I telling you all this you wonder?  One of the things I see in your post is that you were hurt badly once and now you may be afraid to take that next step in finding hapiness.  You may be feeling you are not worthy of the love you are being given.  You may be subconciously self sabotaging yourself as your previous breakup may have caused you to feel low self esteem.  The fact is none of us knows what the future holds.  The past is gone and that is where you have to leave it.  Only by taking the chances offered us can we form new relationships and find new hapiness.  It sounds like your girlfriend truly cares for and loves you.  And I am sure you love her too.  Her family likes you and is in favor of the relationship.  If you are feeling scared that is natural.  I think this sounds like it could turn out to be a wonderful experience and relationship for you both.  Age is really just a number.  As Karen mentioned her husbands were older.  I would not consider age to be a factor as she doesn't and her family approves.  I would only suggest to take things one step at a time, form the relationship slowly on a good solid basis and see what develops.  You might want to search the internet or go to the library and look for books on self esteem and how to build a good and lasting relationship.  I know there are books out there as I bought some for my son, I just don't remember the names right now. I think you have a bright future. You just need to tell yourself that you are worthy and look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a good  and kind person.  Your confidence will build.  I wish you only the best and I hope you will keep posting and let us know how things are going.  You will find many good friends here.  There will always be someone to answer your posts.  Take good care of yourself and I wish you good luck. You are worhy of this hapiness.

Aurora


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 4/19/2009 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   

hey hendrix, love conquers all fears, and i am practicing what i am preaching for once!! sorry that i haven't read the threads. keep up the communication, honesty is everything, for u and your girlfriend. very happy for you, (both). some quiet time where you can talk - openly may help. yes, sex is one part of a relationship, and a healthy one, but 2 wait will increase the experience, i am doing the same!! sex v's love, i'll take love. i think you get my drift! blessings to you, thanx for posting, and for having the courage to do so.

jamie, male, 37 scool


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/20/2009 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Hendrix

This is Kitt and welcome to HealingWell. I have read your thread and I do see some red flags that cause me a bit of concern.

I understand your fears about jumping in with both feet after your divorce but I think that is only the tip of the iceberg here.

Your girlfriend is very young and has little to  no experience with men from what I have read and I find this a bit alarming in the real world of today.  She has never had a boyfriend and she is a strict Catholic. I am wondering how her family views you as a husband for their daughter with your divorced status.  I would guess if they are that strict, they would want a man that would be able to wed their daughter in the Catholic Church etc.

You also seem to be  vacillating on what to do and by bringing in her cousin you may have made a tactical error by accident. Hopefully she will understand that you do love her but you have fears.

Have you been to or thought of counseling for yourself to  help sort through your fears and issues.  I think your fears are well founded but at some point you will have to take the leep of faith and go one way or the other.  Yes you may get hurt again but that is what happens to all of us everytime we love someone.  We may get hurt then again we may just find the greatest happiness of all...............the love of a wonderful person to spend our life with.

True love is that which ennobles the personality, fortifies the heart, and sanctifies the existence.” ~Henri Frederic Amiel

I wish you peace and happiness but most of all I wish you love, Hendrix.

Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
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Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Hendrix65
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/20/2009 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank-you so much for all the kind comments and suggestions. One of the main reasons I talked to her cousin is because they are very close and when we talked together late last night having her there really helped. Her cousin not only helped me to explain my feelings but helped my girlfriend to understand why I was feeling the way I was. Now that it is all out in the open I feel much better and as I expected my girlfriend was very understanding once she understood exactly what I had been trying to say earlier.

Although I have been divorced her family has accepted me because they support her and only wish for her to be happy. When we first started seeing each other I discussed my previous martial status with her parents who admired my honesty about my past. Her family as been a part of our relationship since the beginning with her parents, siblings and other relatives often calling me to chat. The cousin I had confided in about my feelings has become a good friend and I felt confident speaking with her about my feelings because I have spent countless hours talking with her since meeting my girlfriend. They are incredibly close and the cousin is more like an older sister to my girlfriend always watching out to make sure she is alright. I had not planned to talk to her about what I had been feeling but she called me to chat and one thing led to another and it was her who offered to help me explaining my feelings about my past to my girlfriend.

My girlfriend may not be experienced about relationships with the opposite sex but she reads, writes and speaks four languages, recently completed a University degree and just began working as a nurse a few months ago. She has not had a boyfriend in the past by choice and explained to me it was because she had not found anybody who she wanted to spend her life with until meeting me. One of the things she initially like about me is that I wasn't trying to get into her pants five minutes after meeting her and I always treat her with the utmost respect.

I like the advice to take one day at a time and never thought it could actually be that simple but the more I think about it the more I come to realize that is the best way to approach my problem. Neither of us is in a big rush and instead of worrying about what might happen I am going to do my best to think about what is happening. Since making my original post I have felt much better and I think most of that might be because I was finally able to put my feelings into words. I really appreciate all the kind words and advice given to me and will continue to read through other post on this forum for any other words of advice.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/20/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Hendrix,

I think you have answered your own questions very well and yes take it one step at a time, you will have a lifetime of happiness together so I am happy for you.  I know that marriage is wonderful and awesome and yet there are always stepping stones you must cross together.  That is the magic to a good marriage............caring and supporting one another.  Accepting that neither person is perfect but overlooking the little flaws.

I have an ex and I have a wonderful man to whom I have been married for 38 years now so I have been on both sides of the fence as you will soon be.  I also am Catholic and I was the divorcee to my husband's very devout Catholic family.  I came with luggage thow, 3 children.  My inlaws and I are very close but they gave me the benefit of being a good person who had a bad first marriage so I am blessed.

I believe in you so go for it and build your life together. Life is good. Besides she is a nurse and hey we nurses must follow our hearts. :-)

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

Bless you both,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 4/20/2009 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you were able to talk openly to your girlfriend, and she must be a remarkable young lady. I am happy for you both. Keep taking life one day at a time. That is all we can do. You will notice that there will be a weight lifted off of your shoulders when you learn to live in the moment.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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