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TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/23/2009 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife was being treated for depression, taking Wellbutrin then stopped a few months back.  I'm a recovering alcoholic about 2.5 years except for 1 day 16 months ago.  We got married fall of 2007 and were madly in love, recognizing and accepting each others situation but hit some rocky ground primarily about finances, or so I thought.   She stopped saying she loved me yet we still seemed to have fun, me thinking that it would work itself out.  She started looking on the internet for someone else, filed for divorce, got a restraining order, I had to move out quickly and now I feel like I'm scrambling for my life, yet I love her to no end.  I've sought help through work not being able to shake it, I'm seeing a therapist and am being referred to a psychiatrist, meanwhile they put me on Seroquel XR, I am going to more AA meetings than when I first stopped drinking, I don't want a drink but I want my wife and my life back.  Even as I write this I write out of desparation but even from looking at this I feel like I wouldn't want to have anything to do with me either.  Seriously, the main thing she hated about my program was that I liked to work out, read the Bible and play guitar...in that order. For all intents and purposes, I had the serenity I was looking for but it drove her nuts...next thing I know I'm in an apartment across town, she doesn't know where I live, I've got an attorney, it's been almost 3 months... I want her back but can't tell her.  I know that if she wanted me back she'd call.  Waaa!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/23/2009 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello and welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum. Thank you for sharing your story and I will be honest with you the whole business of trying to advice someone that has a broken engagement, marriage or romance is really tough. 
 
I would really like to keep you on the track of you and not your estranged wife.  This should be about you and your healing. I think perhaps I missed something in reading your story as your wife obtained a restraining order so there must have been something happening that did not pertain to her not liking your working out, reading  the Bible or  playing guitar.
 
I believe that healing begins within and I am willing to support you in healing but I am not much of a marriage counselor.
 
I am hoping your medication is working and I commend you on your sobriety.  Be proud of taking control of your drinking.
 
Keep on with your goal of healing and moving forward with your life.  If your wife is to be a part of your future that will be something you may best work out through some marriage counseling if she is willing.
 
A warm welcome to HealingWell.
 
May you always walk in peace,
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/23/2009 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
As she's been through this before (with 2 ex-husbands and other acquaintances), we think the restraining order was a pre-emptive measure she thought made sense, thinking that I would be abusive or something, when in actuality it was more to keep me away so she could surf the internet for my replacement, while finding a live-in roommate while this being worked out in the courts.  Its all pretty absurd.  In actuality, I'm the one with the protected address.
 
Thank you for your note about keeping focused on my health situation.  I admit I was taking things pretty much in stride, at first trying to "think" myself into oblivion, but getting up and going to as many AA meetings as I could, eventually talking to 2 attorneys, one who said "you have rights, stay there..." and a second who said "get out as fast as you can" which turned out to be good advice.  A family friend and fellow-church member shared that the restraining order was to get me out of the house, off the couch, and in short enough notice that she could do what she wanted with my stuff.  While I stayed in the home for 5 days beforehand, we had absolutely no confrontation even though she tried to sell our bedroom set on Craigslist, me reminding her that the mattress and boxspring were mine.  I slept on the couch for the last 3 days and was able to move without incident on the morning of the 6th day, only then did she tell me she filed a restraining order which was apparently to have been served by a friend of hers the night before, but the person was unavailable.   All of this information was presented afterwards and what was wierd was that I wasn't served the restraining order until 2 months after I moved out, seemingly as "icing on the cake" followed by evidence that she was already out on the internet advertising that she was available and looking for a long-term relationship showing photos of her which I took on our honeymoon.  It was all so cold, absurd and downright vicious that I thought that all she was doing was showing the world what happens when someone from Al-Anon falls off the wagon.  It all built up and built up in me that even my ex-wife who I was married to for 19 years came forward for moral support along with other members of our church.  Not that that means anything, but lets say we are very religious and while I might sound like a jerk, I'm really more of a putz.  I never expected to have to find out what it feels like to have your wife out there suggesting she'd sleep with about anyone but me.  That's why I wondered how much the Wellbutrin might have had a stabling effect.  
 
So meanwhile, I found myself so spun up that I couldn't wind down no matter what.  I talked to my pastor, sought out the help of a therapist through the Employee Assistance Program at work, but felt that her job was primarily to help me feel good about myself, or so it seemed.  I finally was being thrown under the bus at work as my performance had dropped off dramatically and I knew I needed help.  I went to my doctor and told her what was happening.  She asked if I was suicidal, to which I said "If I was, I'd drink".  So she put me on medical leave, gave me some meds and referred me to a psychiatrist who I still have not seen.  I feel more settled on the Seroquel XR, but still feel surges of anxiety like I've never had before wanting to wake up and smell the coffee but having a hard time with it.  While I recognize that I've got some issues which I'm dealing with, I feel that a lot of it has to do with compulsive behaviors on both sides.  I think my anxiety is partly due to the fact that I've never gone through this type of thing sober.
 
Sorry to be so long-winded...this IS what I do.  (Even so much that I went back and edited this so it would maybe be more clear).
 
 
 

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 1:56:17 PM (GMT-6)


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/23/2009 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Trying,

I want to welcome you to the forum as well. You've come to a really good community!

I am recently divorced myself, and it has not been a pretty situation in the least. You definitely have my sympathies during this struggle. As Kitt said, you should feel very proud of yourself for taking control of your drinking, especially with all that you're going through. I'm very glad to know that your doc put you on medical leave from your job, to give you an opportunity to deal with this situation and to get some therapy. Do you have a firm appointment with the psychiatrist, or are you waiting to hear about one?

I am also wondering what your attorney has advised, particularly regarding the division of your furniture and other property, since you mentioned (for example) that your wife was trying to sell the bedroom set. I know the laws surrounding this issue vary, depending on where you live, but given what you've described of your situation, it doesn't sound like your wife has "fairness" at the top of her mind.

I'm going to come back and post to you again, and re-read the details of your posts so that I am clear on the particulars. One question I do have at the moment is this: do you really want to patch things up with your wife? I am not saying you should or shouldn't, but I do agree that her actions seem "cold, absurd and downright vicious" as you have described.

Please continue to post to us, and know that there are lots of caring and supportive people here. I wish you the very best.
Living one day at a time. 
 


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/23/2009 10:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your reply.  You were right in the context of saying that she doesn't exactly have fairness in mind.   As I said, I thought her actions so impulsive and absurd that I felt that it had to be some sort of response that had something to do with her decision to quit taking Wellbutrin last August.  As I said, I go to LOTS of AA meetings, NA, CA, etc...meetings and occasionally you hear something that really hits home; in my case, a story from someone with 30+ years of sobriety whose been on Wellbutrin for years but went off it for some reason and has been manic as all get out (my nice way of putting it).  I know this is supposed to be about me, but I could see that she seemed just fine when she had a couple of drinks, I too believe that I self-medicated for 30+ years only to experience possible underlying conditions, months after I quit drinking, now feeling it full force with almost a year and a half of sobriety.
 
My point in all of this is that part of my recovery and condition is driven by all of these matters coming together at once...one could say "I doubt that coming off Wellbutrin would make someone do anything against their will", whereas as a recovering alcoholic I have gotten to a point where I can tell which of my emotions and feelings are part of my recovery and which seem to have come from elsewhere.  What I did not share was that my mother died a year ago, was the worst alcoholic I have ever seen or even heard about in my life, yet had 24 years of sobriety before her death.  In that last year, while she suffered from acute Parkinson's disease, I was able to ask her why she chose to spend so much of her life lying in bed, being self-defeatest, trying to sleep all hours of the day and night whether with the assistance of alcohol, prescription and non-prescription drugs and ultimately being an atypical pre-Betty Ford Era female drunk/addict.  It would eventually get much worse and she spent most of her later life in state-funded programs and eventually died the ward of a certain State in the midwest.  She said she just couldn't stop worrying about anything and everything and I suspect that what she was worrying about was herself.  When I went to see my doctor I told her that I was not worried about my divorce, I was worried about my worrying, and moreso, acute fear that I inherited something freaky from my mom.   I am happy to say the meds do seem to work (although someone reading this note might get the opposite impression), yet I can say more than anything that I have emotions now that I never had before, whether I was drinking or not.  One doctor said it may be as simple as realizing that I am older now and smarter.  Put it this way, I use to fly fighter planes and never once questioned what my mind was doing.  Take all of that and put it in a guy who is with someone who was (and possibly should still be) on Wellbutrin and it probably explains a lot of why this marriage didn't work.  As a simple example, I stay alive each day by working out, going to meetings, eating right, reading the Bible and the Big Book, meditating or praying, playing guitar and most recently, looking on the internet for information about this seemingly compulsive condition...oh, and yes, I have high blood pressure which is treated with Diovan HCT.
 
I do have the referal to a psychiatrist and have an appointment schedule for next month.
 
If I tell my therapist that I wrote all of this, she's going to think I'm psycho.  (I can laugh at myself...but the mere fact that I would type all of this stuff is a prime example of what's going on with me.)  I used to be on cruise in the Navy and we'd send huge letters back and forth, hand-written of course.  Now typing something like this might seem idiotic, but it's a real compulsion.  I guess I should just stop and just say "Good night".  As I am really an educated man and very interested in the subjects of recovery, anxiety and depression, I am sharing this for your feedback recognizing that it probably looks like I'm a real "piece of work"...but that is why I am writing it.

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 2:05:28 PM (GMT-6)


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/24/2009 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Good morning, Trying. I think I’m getting a better picture of the situation now, but please correct me if I’m misunderstanding you.

From what I gather here, you and your wife have both been on Wellbutrin in the past, and you are attributing some of your wife’s recent behaviour, and some of your own emotional changes, to the fact that the course of Wellbutrin was discontinued. I took Wellbutrin myself many years ago, and I did not have this experience after I stopped taking it. Perhaps another member here has had an experience similar to yours and can comment on this. As with all meds, everyone is different in how they respond to treatment and likewise for the after-effects or weaning-off process. What was your doctor’s response to this idea? You mentioned that one doctor you saw attributed your emotional changes to the fact that you are ‘getting older’, but I’m not clear about whether this is the same doc you referred to as ‘your doctor’ or not.

You mentioned some things about your mother, and your fear that perhaps you inherited some of her issues and/or anxiety problems. I would imagine that is a possibility, based on my own experiences in my family and the various posts I’ve read from other members about inherited problems. However, I’m certainly not a professional, and I would address these concerns with the psychiatrist when you see him/her next month. Whether or not your struggles are based on heredity, it’s really good that you’re getting some help and support for yourself. Separation and divorce are extremely stressful, and loaded with all kinds of emotional turmoil.

I’m also happy for you that you have several means of coping with stress on your own, by working out and paying attention to diet, praying and meditating, playing the guitar, etc.. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but as far as spending time looking up medical information on the internet re: your condition, I have found that doing so can actually increase anxiety, because there is so much “worst case scenario” information out there. This has been discussed quite a bit on the Anxiety & Panic Disorders forum here at HW, so I know I’m not alone in this. Anyhow, of course that is your decision……I’m just offering a suggestion to help you.

I’m still not clear on where you stand as far as wanting to get back together with your wife, but I’m not trying to pry, either. I do know that I struggled with mixed emotions after I separated from my husband, even though it was clear to me and to everyone else that the relationship was detrimental to my safety and my health. Being in love can cloud a person’s judgment, in my opinion anyhow, and I am hoping that your psychiatrist can help you to sort out your feelings.

I don’t think you’re “idiotic” for writing long posts and hashing out all the circumstances and feelings you’re experiencing, and I doubt that your therapist will think that you’re “psycho”. I think you’re going through a tremendous amount of upheaval in your life, and it’s understandable that you have a lot to think about and write about.

I hope that things will become more clear to you as you move forward, and I also hope that the assistance and advice of your lawyer will help to put things into perspective for you. I wish you the best, and hope you will continue to post as you feel up to it.


Living one day at a time. 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 4/24/2009 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Eli,

I must say that I think that you have gotten some good feedback from Raniah. And I am glad that you are putting all of your feelings down. It really helps us to be able to do this. That is why I love HW so much.

Take it slow, talk to your therapist. I think you are right about your wife, she couldn't get rid of stuff quick enough from what I gathered from what you said. And going on the internet, well that is just plain stupid to me, and unsafe. It sounds like she isn't thinking clear.

I just want to wish you a good day. Keep up the good work. You are doing well with your projects and especially playing guitar. I play a little myself. And I love it.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/24/2009 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your responses.  I saw both my doctor and my therapist today.  In my note I mentioned it was my wife that was on Wellbutrin.  Meanwhile, I shared with my doctor that after being on Seroquel XR for 2 weeks now, I'm still jones'ing over my wife (I'm still in love with her) so she up'd my dose and said "You must be crazy!!!"  I then had an appointment with my therapist who basically came up to the same conclusion saying "you just don't like that you got dissed!"  Which is true.  Still, I love her.
 
I do have to get back into guitar.  I am going to go see "Hot Tuna" (Jorma Kaukonen and Jack Casady from Jefferson Airplane) tonight...I can play all of that stuff plus about everything from Allman Brothers to ZZ Top... I wish I could make a living at it...I want to be some old fart who you see who can pick up an old guitar with a hole in it, rip out a few licks of "Billion Dollar Babies", "Pencil Thin Mustache" and "Hard Headed Woman" from Cat Stevens and then sit down and call it a day.  That brings me peace.
 
I shared with my therapist and Doctor that I went up on this site, plus my concerns about going on and on...they both said this was a good thing. 
 
May God Bless You...and us.

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 2:09:36 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 4/24/2009 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Eli,

It sounds like you had a pretty good day today. I do Crosby Stills and Nash, oh yes and Young. I am not all that good. Somebody put strings on my guitar for me and I swear that they used the cheapest ones. They rusted... They are so hard to press. I have acoustic guitar. Yamaha. It is pretty. I got it at a pawn shop when I was about 18 years old. If I get a job, I am going to buy good strings. We will see how that goes.

I am so happy that you posted today, and that you are feeling good. I don't know what to say about your wife. I know that you still love her. I would just take that one day at a time, and in the meantime, keep posting. And keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/24/2009 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Who's Eli?  But thanks for the response just the same.  I am feeling better today.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 4/24/2009 2:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry Trying, I thought that your name was Eli. I guess this memory isn't what it use to be. It must have been a similar forum name to yours, now I notice that you only have five posts. Please forgive this old lady....

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/24/2009 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
To tell you the truth, I knew what the name meant (for me), Eli=God in my book. Hugs even more...you are working miracles.

Part of something I did not mention above...thanks to my brothers and sisters in AA, the greatest medicine I've had since this ordeal started was when someone came up to me after a meeting one Saturday morning and said "What are you doing today?" and I said "nothing...", they said "Follow me downtown..." so I did...to the homeless shelter, and an ALANO club where I have been sitting in, helping out and chairing meetings about 3 or 4 times a week. I told my therapist and my doctor that between playing my guitar and reading the Bible, sitting next to an alcoholic who is homeless provides about the most peace I can ever expect. I'm not saying that to get a rise out of anyone. It's true. After realizing this sensation, I shared it with people in my homegroup suggesting they try it...though not necessarily successful, I thought at first that my purpose in life was "To bring The Message to the mission..." pretty soon I realized that my purpose was "To bring The Message FROM the mission!" While I cannot necessarily share their feelings, I can sense that many of them are happy in their own skin, and would prefer to be spiritually fit and sober than rich. Some don't even seem to mind being homeless as long as they themselves are helping others. This not only seems subtly evident to me, IT JUMPS OUT AT ME!!! I think God wants us all to help each other... as someone once said "Our lives are God's gift to us", "what we do with them is our gift to God!" I'm not talking about religion here...I'm talking about humanity...but you folks already seem to know that.

Peace and thank you

Post Edited (TryingToGetBy) : 4/24/2009 4:13:54 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 4/24/2009 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
That was a wonderful story Trying, I am so happy that you posted it. I find much pleasure out of helping other people. It is a feeling of gratitude that is hard to explain. Even if I just make somebody happy for a couple of minutes, it helps me to feel better about myself.

Again, thanks for the wonderful post. Have a great evening.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TryingToGetBy
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/24/2009 10:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, and you said you have a Yamaha acoustic guitar; I have 2 of them, both FG-331's.  One I got when I was in college in Boulder, CO 30 years ago which almost has a 2nd hole in it, and another one which I bought off of e-bay about 2 months ago for $125.   They both sound great...better than an Ovation acoustic which I have that cost twice as much.
 
I went to the concert tonight and loved it.  The best thing I could have done. Everyone was about my age, the music was perfect.  I saw a couple old friends of mine who I hadn't seen in a couple years, one of which has part ownership of a brewpub.  Both said, "wow, we haven't seen you in a long time, you're looking great!"...I told them it was a form of the Adkins Diet...no carbs, no hops, no barley.  I thought I'd forego any talk about the fact that I'd gotten married again and was already in the process of getting divorced...still there was a lot of beer and other stuff at the concert...I didn't drink, just held my breath, held my tongue and grooved on the tunes.   There was a point where I started missing my ex-wife to be, just really stuck on how much she was missing out...but then again, we have this saying in AA, "don't leave before the miracle happens!"...in that case, a person really does have to be there, or at least want to.
 
Life is better tonight.  It's nice to know that you people are there.   Thank you for your help.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/25/2009 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Glad to hear you got out and went to a concert........whooooo hooooooo.  I have one coming up and it is a treat for me as I have not been to one in years, I mean many years.  Bruce Springsteen on May 11th.  I am taking my daughter and my granddaughter.
 
It is good to do something for youself and know that I am so happy to hear you had a fun time. 
 
Keep on working on your own healing and know that you will make it over those bumps in the road.
 
Peace,
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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