I also want to welcome you to the forum. I’m sorry to know that you’re suffering like this, and I hope that the support here will help you to cope with your thoughts and feelings.
You mentioned that you have been diagnosed with depression and bio-polar disorder, and have also spent several months in residential facilities for substance abuse. I am wondering if you have a doctor and/or therapist whom you see regularly, and if so, whether your doctor/therapist is aware of all the concerns and dilemmas you have mentioned here.
I used to use the same “methods” you do to numb my feelings and escape from the pressures of daily life. However, I found over the course of time that it made things a lot more difficult for me, and served to make my anxiety and depression, and lack of coping skills, much worse. I would venture a guess that many others here have done the same thing, with the same disappointing and detrimental results. I hope you will consider giving up the substance abuse altogether in an effort to help yourself to manage your symptoms. It may be that your only motivation to leave the house is to “pick up a bag”, but believe me, there are many more satisfying things to do in the outside world which will help you to feel a lot better about
yourself and life in general. I don’t mean to sound like a scolding parent or something here……I just know from experience that this is not a beneficial thing to do!
As far as your questions and ideas about
the presence of God, these things are different for everyone, and part of our personal journey (in my opinion). I’ve run the gamut in exploring different religions and schools of thought, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with questioning the belief system of your parents or other people around you. Only you can decide what is right for you, and perhaps doing some reading and investigation on your own will help you to come to terms with your mixed feelings about
Regarding your concerns about
your intellectual abilities and past substance abuse, I am not well-versed on the effects of “intense use”, but I would talk to your doctor/therapist about
this. It is my understanding, in the very limited reading I’ve done, that we can still learn new skills and ‘re-train’ our brains even after certain types of trauma. I wouldn’t give up hope on developing your skills in certain areas, and I think that you’d be wise to talk to a professional about
this before you write yourself off for future endeavours.
As far as your feelings of regret and focus on the past…..you are right, we cannot change the past, and sometimes that is hard to accept. However, the flip-side of that coin is that we CAN do something about
the future, and I hope you will come to the point where you can see the potential for positive change in your life. You are probably tired of hearing people say this, but you are young and have the advantage of time ahead of you. I would encourage you to find some activity or outlet for your depression and negative feelings which would allow you to release some of your sadness and take your thoughts away from regret and the “what ifs” that are troubling you. I have found that painting and creating weird and wonderful art pieces gives me a great outlet for sadness, anger, and every other painful emotion I experience. It’s helped me much more than I ever thought it would. I would give it some thought, and see what you can come up with that would interest you, even if it’s a solitary activity.
I hope you’ll come back and post some more. This is a great place to get your feelings out and gain support from others. Please let us know how you’re doing.
Living one day at a time.