sex and depression

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/24/2009 11:28 AM (GMT -6)   
hi all,
My S/O has depression and i am aware that depression can cause a loss in libido. But recently he just seems completely uninterested in sex, which is something that worries me because we have always had a very active sex life together. He has always been depressed since i've been with him. Although i suppose his depression has been more severe (on and off) recently. I know there are much more important things than sex and obviously i am much more concerned with his happiness. It's just i feel really rejected and unattractive because of it. I haven't mentioned this to him as i know he will just blame himself for me feeling like this and i don't want him to feel any worse than he already does. I just really miss the intimacy, i miss making love to him. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to put any pressure on him and i certainly don't want to argue about it. So i have just kept these worries to myself. Even though deep down i know that his lack of sex drive is probably due to his depression and i do think he still finds me attractivel, but i still can't help but worry that he has just gone off me or got bored! I am only human and i can't help but be a bit insecure. But i know that there is no room for me to be insecure because he needs me and i don't want him to have anything else to worry about at the moment.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/24/2009 1:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi MissYellow,

I know it's really difficult to be in a relationship with someone whose levels of desire have waned. Even if you know that it's due to depression, it's hard not to take it personally and feel lonely. I know you don't want to add to your boyfriend's bad feelings, but I'm not sure that you should be keeping this all to yourself. IMO, it's important for him to know how you're feeling, and maybe together you can come up with some ideas about different things you can share with each other. Of course you want to be supportive to your boyfriend, but you also need to deal with your own feelings, too. Depression affects both partners, and you may want to get some counseling or other form of support for yourself to help you to cope.
Living one day at a time. 

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/24/2009 3:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I totally get where you are coming from EXCEPT I am on the other side. I am the one who is SEVERELY depressed and my hubby has to put up with it. It definitely diminishes sex drive. I can tell you that I have begun to have SEVERE image issues. I hate everyone about my physical appearance. I pick myself apart constantly. Obviously I need therapy too but cannot afford it. Although I am depressed and have other issues I truly feel that my 0 sex drive is no surprise. We constantly have MAJOR catastrophies within our life, although hubby tells me all the time I should be able to deal with these "everyday life issues" I feel they are too overwhelming.

1. Hubby and I have not been employed at the same time for the past 2 years
2. We are having difficulty paying mortgage (applied for help)
3. Lost our health insurance when he lost his job several times due to being in Construction and a bad market
4.I have gained weight and WILL NOT accept it as what my hubby calls part of getting older (I am now 41)
5. I have had my periods very BAD for over 5 years most likely going thru perimenopause I have all symptoms
6. Have had to deal with daughter picking wrong boyfriend who began to stalk her, which we immediately put a stop to
7. Feeling worthless due to not being able to do anything
8. I moved out of bedrom few months ago because on top of everything else having sleep issues and hubby snoring ANNOYYYYYYYYYS me and I cannot get to sleep or back to sleep also his constant begging for sex makes me feel like crap and he is not satisfied even if I try to comprimise, pluse I end up hating him if I feel I "have" to have sex
9. I do not like my body and therefore do not feel sexy at all cannot even picture having sex
10. I cannot even go to the mall which I always loved shopping I always end up crying because I think I look fat! I am OBSESSED with my arms and feel they are untone and UGLYYYYYYYY

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40406
   Posted 4/24/2009 4:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Missyellow and Mom,

I just wanted to welcome both of you to the depression forum. I am so happy that you two have joined us.

Yes depression does effect our self image and our sex lives. It is sad that it happens. We have to do things to get ourselves to feel good about ourselves. I know that it is hard, but it can be done. We have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and love ourselves.

Missyellow, I think if you talk to your husband let him know that you really miss all of the things that you use to do. Maybe you could just be together alone and work on this gradually. You can be intimate without sex for a while and hopefully the desire will come back to him. Work on it together. And try not to take it personally. I am sure that this is from the depression and the depression only.

I hope that the two of you keep posting. Try to remember to work on the self image. You are both special beautiful people and you need to feel that way.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/26/2009 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
it is confusing because all other aspects of our relationship seem to be ok, we still have flirting and hugs and kisses (unless he is having a bad day), so why not sex? I don't know how to broach the subject, i don't want to make matters worse. If i make an issue out of it he is going to be even less likely to want to do it. I know that if i say i miss it he will just say "you will be better off without me, you deserve a man who can satisfy you". I wish he could see it through my eyes, he is all i want. I miss the intimacy with HIM, not just sex in general.

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/26/2009 9:32 AM (GMT -6)   



Hi there MissYellow:
Maybe I can help being from the other side and all. idea The way I see it is you in luck since you are the female wanting intimacy. It means just that intimacy. On the other hand if and when the many times I have tried to get my hubby to hold me, he pressures me into sex and then I feel obligated and comply. Then once it is over I am feeling mad absolute hatred because I was made to do something I did not want to do.
Back to YOUR issue: I say approach hubby when he is flirty and not in bad mood maybe pour him a drink and put in a funny dvd for the two of you to cuddle up and watch. Just remember be close with him, hold hands but let it flow natural don't push or he will run and hide as I do with my hubby. No matter how many times I try to explain it to him, he does not get that making it known to me (constantly)that he needs sex is the same as pressuring me. Although he does not physically force, it feels very similar. This is why I say your maybe in a better situation being that you are the female wanting sex. Females can be happy with intimacy (not sex) whereas most men do not understand the difference.
Feel free to message me on AIM if you wanna chat: Agentbauer68

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/26/2009 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
momwithteentude- that is an interesting point you make, i had not thought of it the other way around. It must be hard for you trying to explain that you want the intimacy without the sex.

we have had a few nights recently where everything seems to be going well, we are cuddly and flirty but i am too scared to make a move incase i get rejected again. I want him to make the first move so that i know he really does want to do it, otherwise i will feel like he is only doing it because he has to. Part of me thinks i should just not say anything and just be patient and wait for this 'dry spell' to clear up. On the other hand, it is getting me down because i keep doubting how he feels about me, so maybe i should talk to him about it.

thanks for the replies everyone.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 4/28/2009 9:17 PM (GMT 0)   
Miss Yellow, please do not take your S/O's lack of labido personally. When I was at my lowest it was a chore just to stay alive, much less have sex. I'm so grateful my wife is understanding, and that made all the difference. Just be there for him and he'll come around. Patience is key to being in love with a depressed person.

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