Musician, God and My Addiction

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godsonlost
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/30/2009 12:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thats in no particular order and if so, GOD would be first. I've been involved with music and church all my life. my mother and grandparents are christian and Ive been a devoted believer since i can remember. My grandparents got me into piano lessons at about 5 years old. Ive been going to church since I can remember, before 5.
 
I quit playing at 16 because I had no life, but school, piano lessons and church and at 16 there's a bunch of other things to do as you well know. Go figure my grandparents didnt like that, made it really tough on me and so I ran away and quit school in the 12th grade. The reason I wasnt with my mother is she lived in a pretty tough area and she was addicted to drugs.
 
My father wasnt around, I saw him maybe three times growing up and not at all after I was 8. So now theres a pretty good kid, out on the streets, living from friend to friend house, sneaking in at night and new to the streets. I didnt have any money, so reluctantly I started , just so I could buy food and have money for transportation, buses and cabs.
 
Hanging out with the wrong crowd I began smoking good old . I didnt like it at first but after awhile I did because it made me forget about my problems. Now at 17 Im on the streets, and began drinking. Again at first I didnt like it, but after awhile it seemed great. I was cooler, more courage, starting to fit in and I no longer worried about what my grandparents thought. I was on my own.
 
I wish I would have had a different life! At 18 I moved back in with my mom and witness the terrible affect drugs had on her, it made me sick at night truthfully looking at my life. Just a year earlier, I had a 3.5 GPA, was thinking about college and a career, good friends, clean sober, church going weekly and great piano player. They use to call me Mistro. I won a lot of awards and played at a lot of events growing up.
 
Now my life was in a dark spiral. I started drinking and  more to cover up the deep pain I had. Little did I know, I was in my first depression. I lived this life for 2 years. Blackouts every night. I would hope I wouldnt wake up, so in essence I was killing myself slowly.
 
At 20 I fortunately got my act together enough to get my GED, but a job was hard to come by. Interviews, minimum wage salary, it was not the easy money I had come to know. Remind you, I'm still praying through all my tough times, asking GOD for direction, but the  and alcohol made it difficult to receive the signal from my only Father (In Heaven).
 
Disgusted with the fact of selling  and the affect it had on those I served, my conscience finally got a hold of me and at 21 I actually stopped. Thank you (note to self). Not like I looked for a job, it was hard at this point, I was so far off into the  depression. I had moments of clarity, but not enough to sustain a positive life.
 
I had jobs and would hold them for 3 for 4 months sometimes a little longer, but eventually what I realize now, is the depression would have me quit. I thought I was lazy. Im actually not. Ive battled this disease for quite sometime without knowing it and it nearly killed me.
 
I was always into music as I said and just because I stopped playing piano, didnt mean I stopped loving music. I continued as a producer and performer. I actually made it nationally with a known performer, had a video and did some small touring. Of course my drug use didnt let me capitalize on any opportunity at a solo career. I was drunk and so  at every show. My thing was nerves, I would get so high that I wouldnt be nervous and just perform, I dont remember half the performances.
 
I came back and for years made demos, which were really good, so the people around me said and I thought, but never got a break. at 25 I had my first kid, the begining of the best thing that ever happened. You'll find out why I said that shortly.  
 
Dont get tired yet, were almost at the end. I did this for 3 years, every weekend was a party and if not, we made it. A few friends, some chicks, some drinks and music and life seemed great. I cant believe how Ive wasted my life. Ive now been drinking a lot of alcohol for 8-9 years and without realizing it, become an addict.
 
My second baby girl was born, reflection has hit. Im living in my mothers one bedroom apartment, me, my two kids and my girlfriend. OKAY GOD, I NEED HELP!!! I mean where was this going to go. My music wasnt working, I needed to clean myself up! Got a gym membership, got somewhat sober, I still battle till today, but this time I had to!
 
Got a job at a warehouse and finally moved out!! Thank you again.  I worked in the warehouse everyday and loved it! I loved the people, I loved my apartment, I loved being sober with an occasional party, but heck that ok. I loved my kids, this was life. Continued to do my music and get better, then depression hit about a year later.
 
Started getting really down, this time I was sober so it couldnt be withdrawls. See before I thought my depression was either the , or not enough of it, but this time I was sober and started getting those feelings. I wasnt going to go smoke or drink this time, just work out and stay focused. That worked for awhile, but then it got darker. Deep down I still wanted more than a warehouse job, although it was great.
 
I went to the doctor this time and said, Doc I need help. I dont know whats wrong. I dont want to be down but I am, he asked the general questions and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. WHAT??? You have to be kidding, this is REAL? He prescribed Prozac and therapy. I reluctantly tried the prozac and follow the directions. I wanted to do anything but go back to my old ways of smoking and drinking and if this is what the doctor ordered, that must be ok.
 
I STARTED FEELING BETTER AFTER about A MONTH! Life didnt seem bad at all again. I went to Real Estate School and got my license. Had me first baby boy, number 3 and started investing in real estate and BOY DID IT PAY OFF! I Made more money than I ever thought I could have. I was buying and selling properties like a pro. After all, I did sell and used the same formula. Buy it, fix it and sale it. This was legal my life was going great!!!
 
All the prayers and believing started to work once I cleared the signals. I did this for two years, bought a Million Dollar Home with a Pool, had my fourth another son, I thought my past was behind me. Occassionally I would drink, sometimes get drunk, but I was working out, it was no longer every week celebrating, just a few times out the year to get away from the kids or travel.
 
I was doing my music, buying property out of state, then RECESSION!!!! DEPRESSION!!! I lost all my properties, I mean for a year I tried to sale the properties I had, but lenders wouldnt lend, even to the qualified buyers I had. I spent $400,000 that year to 18 months trying to sale and fix up properties to sale before I lost them all.
 
I finished an album, shot a $100,000 video and thought that would be my way to continued success. BOY WAS I WRONG! The video was great, the song was great, I paid a guy my last $30,000 just about for radio promotion. Paid my mortgage for a few more months, the bank started taking money out my account and suddenly I was dead broke. The radio promotor ran off with all my money, now there was just a video with no support.
 
I figured record labels would jump at the chance of not having to spend money on a video, just promotion. BOY WAS I WRONG AGAIN!! Labels said, "thats a great song and video, get some radio play and we'll get behind you". WHAT? Incase you didnt know, the record companies are so scared these days to invest because of all piracy and lack of sales. If you dont have your own thing going, forget it.
 
I lost my house, my BMW and the repo man has been tracking me down about my truck for months. I moved into a small apartment, have another baby girl do next month and broke. With the last money I had, I paid our rent for 6 months because no one would rent to us because of the foreclosures and credit.
 
Im back in that dark place looking for help. about dying a lot,  Im $650,000 in debt, I have a GED, its a recession so people are losing there jobs, I have 4 kids and one coming and see no way out. I know this was long, but it feels a little better to have shared this. Maybe I can last another few days or week. I really want to see my baby born, so Im trying to stick around for that.
 
I believe in GOD, but last week I got so drunk I passed out. Feels like Im back to my old ways and when I am, the signal isnt there. Im trying to cope, Im back in the gym, but this time Im really lost.
 
May GOD BLESS THOSE THAT READ THIS!!!
 
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/30/2009 6:32:44 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 4/30/2009 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi There,

Welcome to the depression forum. It sounds like you have had some incredible times in the past. You did well for yourself, in ways.

I am so sorry that things turned sour for you and that you had to take a step down as I would say. But it sounds like you are putting one foot in front of the other and you will gradually make it.

So Keep trying and rock steady. You will be okay. You just might have to live with less now. But you will still live.

Keep posting, as we are here for you.

I am sorry I had to edit your post, but according to forum rules, I had no choice. I think people can still figure out what you were trying to say. I am sorry about the condition of your mom. I hope that she can get some help. And I do want to recommend that you quit drinking, it only adds to the depression. Alcohol is a depressant.

I am glad that the medications have helped you. So you can see that there is hope.

Hoping that you have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/30/2009 5:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning and Welcome to HealingWell,

I edited a bit more of your post.  I do believe that the members will still understand your story and support you with the prayers you have requested. :)

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself please do contact your physician as you may benefit from a change in meds. Sometimes it is hard to find just the right med.

Also  call 911 if you feel you are in a desperate position.

I wish you peace and I will offer prayers for your healing.

Sincerely,

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Cowboy up
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 4/30/2009 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
OK Iwill tell you a little about my life . I was divorced after 3 years of marriage and 3 sons. I lived with a girlfriend for 5 years . She left me for someone else . We leased a 400 acre hose farm . We had a 30,000 dollar horse trailer a mercedes and 3 trucks . Everything was in her name but my beat up chevy pick up. When she asked me to move out I was to proud to go home to more parents so I was homeless . I stayed with friends till I could get back on my feet sleeping on their chidrens bedroom floor because they did not have a spare bed. I went back to riding bulls because that way I didnt have to think about my life. Behind the chutes at a rodeo I attended cowboy church. There I made Jesus the Lord of my life. The first year was tough I barely made enough to eat , always made enough to pay for this divey apartment with leaking ceilings. That was 1995 . In 2004 I with my wife bought my first house ,2 years later we had our son . My business is doing great despite the economy. I shoe horses for a living. I dont have an answer for you but I want you to know every miracle in the bible started off with a major problem . No problem no miracle . Faith is beleiveing without being able to see. The other thing you need to realize is in order for gold to be purified we need to put it through the fire .That is the time that we most reflect on what we need to change in our lives . I was at the point where you are when I lost the girlfriend and my place to live I thought everyday about just hitting a telephone pole. If iI would have done that I would not have seen the many blessings that God has given me . Even now with my wife battleing depression and unsure if she loves me anymore I can see why God allows me to be put through another fire . And I will get down on my knees and thank him . You see if my wife wasnt depressed I wouldnt be here on this site replying to your post. I dont know if you where you were at with God when things were good but it is in our times of need that we come the closest to God . You said that you didnt have a relationship with your dad after you were 8 . Dont your children deserve better. I know it is hard right now but all I could afford is to go to Quick check and have feast after 4 ... a sandwich , chips,and a drink for like 3 bucks at the time. I will post more on this in the morning ... then I will tell you more things that have happened since those days in 95 when I thought it was time to hang it up . The enemy knows your weaknesses and will really try to bring you down but when we are on our knees we are the strongest.

blueboy83
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 5/1/2009 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I now know the saying, "more money, more problems" is true. You have been through quite a ride so far. You can't quit now, so don't even think about it. I wish you all the best from here on out. God bless, and reach out to positive people willing to help.
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manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 5/1/2009 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello to a fellow piano lover,

You have already travelled a lot of miles in this life. And there is more to come. I had written you a response, but then got up for a moment from my computer and something struck me. You ran away when you were 16 or so - from your grandparents, from your piano, from your church, from God (though I know not entirely). I think what would bring you a deep peace and new beginning would be to go back to that place where you left behind the "you" it sounds to me you are grieving over. If you are ready, maybe it's time to make peace with your grandparents? And also maybe it is time to surrender your life to God - I'm not talking about simply believing in Him - but returning to the things you learned and grew up knowing to be true and right. This might mean making some hard decisions and life style changes, but God will give you the strength if you ask, and will help you put things into place and make things right. You will feel like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders. God won't let you down, but the choices lie with you. :0) It takes courage, but also patience with yourself - remember, you just need to be willing and sincere and He will take your hand and step by step lead you on from there. So be patient with yourself. But also, be brave and require of yourself what you know you need to in order to find your true heart of hearts again. You owe it to yourself and it's not too late for you to come back.

Just a couple quick suggestions: Alcoholics Anonymous. A very good support group from what I've heard. Someone close to me got clean using A/A and N/A.

Also, re. work, have you ever taught private piano lessons? It sounds like you'd have a great personality for it. If there are some music/instrument stores in town, they might also have music schools. You could ask them if they are hiring or if you could leave a resume. Many hire students and first time teachers. They normally pay significantly more than minimum wage too. If you are interested in going that route, you could always go in a music store and just ask what books they recommend for beginning students, and familiarize yourself with the repertoire. You probably already have a good idea of materials you could use since you played piano all those years.

With your kids, love will speak more to them than all the money in the world. If they see their father getting up every morning and making an effort to embrace the day, even in hardship, if they know there father loves them and is there for them, they will also grow up knowing that when hard times come, they can get through it and they can love...because their father taught them that. You don't have to be perfect, just there. They need you.

Take good care of yourself,
manyembers

godsonlost
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/1/2009 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
The support is encouraging. I'm trying to get out this dark place and want to thank you sincerely for your words of wisdom. Its a blessing to have people like this in the world to take time out to listen and give direction. Thank you...

godsonlost
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/3/2009 2:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm back in my word everyone. 1 Peter 5:8-9 says stay sober the devil is looking for someone to devour. He's done it to me again! But I'm going to fight with all my might. He's been stealing from me for too long. I can no longer allow him to steal my joy, my life and my peace. I don't want to drink anymore, my mind says I will fail, but I'm going to fight one day at a time and wait to cross that bridge if I ever get there. Wish me luck. Pray for me actually. Thanks...

Cowboy up
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 5/3/2009 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I am praying for you brother.

Cowboy up
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 5/3/2009 4:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Let Jesus fight it for you. When you look at your wife and kids you will really know what is important. It is funny but at the lowest points of my life is when I have come to realized what is most important to me. It is going to be a struggle ,and dont be afraid to get any extra support that may be available in your area. When Jesus was walking on water and Peter also got out of the boat and started walking on water. When Peter got a few feet from the boat he started to look at the raging storm and waves around him . Then he began to sink till Jesus grabbed his hand. What did Peter do wrong ? He started focusing on the storm and stopped focusing on Jesus . The same way we focus on the storms of our life and stop focusing on God. If you trust in him with all your heart things will get better. Now the timing is up to God and is really hard to understand but it will happen. The hardest thing is accepting the direction he wants us to go . True story a realestate broker in Europe lost everything in the 70s on some bad market deals. Before he lost everything he was a speaker at various christian business me lunches and meetings . After his loss he became greatly depressed and just stayed to himself . A friend said you have talked about how great your faith was when things were good but now you no longer talk about your relationship with God. The man as broke as was began talking about his relationship with God at various functions again .around a year later he landed one of the largest realestate deals in Europe and was better off then before he lost everything. When my life went down the drain and I turned back to the bible I didnt have a dime to pay my rent . It was right around the beginning of January and I didnt know if I could keep coming up with rent till April when shoeing horses usually gets busy again. I kept praying to just get by and make my bills. They were calling for a bad snow and I knew if I didnt get to the few appointments I had I would be in trouble and not have money for food . I shoed 1 horse at my first barn and had an hour drive to my second barn . I had 4 horses to trim at the second barn but the snow was so deep I couldnt get up the guys driveway. So I took my tools and walked about 400 yards to the guys front door and knocked . The guy was shocked that I showed up and I stood outside and pulled and trimmed those horses outside in a pasture.It took me 2 hours to get home which I was only 20 mins on a normal day. We got hit with a major snow storm .Now I was buried at my house but could walk to town. I was thanking God that I made the money to get me through the week. I showed up in the snow to do those horses out of desperation and know other reason at all. The neighbor was in the volunteer fire dept. and asked if I could help clear the snow away from fire hydrants . Hey I figured I cant work I might as well.We went down the road to the fire dept to see what streets they wanted us to start on. Then out of the clear blue sky one of the local police officers approached me and said your neighbor said you have a commercial drivers liscence and we need extra drivers are you intrested. They put me in a truck and worked me for 3 days with small 4 hour breaks . Not only that the local Quick check donated food to us so we were fed with the area under a state of emergency. Now here is the amazing part . The town manager liked and asked if there was any other snow if I would be available. I worked 2 to 3 times a month till April . Coincidence? That is what many would say but I have to many things like this that have happened to me and would have to be a knuckelhead to not beleive. I am not any diffrent then anyone else , God is working in everyone of our lives we just get caught up looking at the storm around us and lose our focus on God. I have learned to praise him in good times and bad , to go to him for direction in everything i do and , to give him the glory in all successes in my life. It is actually harder to keep focus on him in good times then in bad. Which is wrong because who gave us our talents and abilities. Just please remember when you get through this take the time to help someone else because you will meet others in your life who will be in similar situations you will be able to relate to them because you were there.

brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/3/2009 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi There,
i thought that as a musician and songwriter myself i'd offer my opinion,

First i think we all know the music industry is not the most glamourous industry once you're inside it, nothing is guaranteed and somewhere in all this you will lose your soul to some degree, successful or not. i got our of it the moment i seen myself starting the decline,

Theres an upside to this, you find what you love the most, music, you find that there is nothing that can stop you making music or writing it, and this is what will save you from the effects of the fall, dive in and put the sense of failing aside, you haven't failed, appreciate that music is speaking through you, and not you speaking, when that love for this experience returns as it will, you will find yourself a different person, your music will be better, it will reach out and touch others further than it ever did,
Perhaps you may not make the big bucks again, thats the ups and lows of everything, but there is nothing stopping you from making a good living from your music, and there are other options that if you think about it, can offer lucrative earnings, you're creative, so think about it.

i once worked in the banking industry, spent all the money i made, now i work on a farm, make next to nothing and have all the time i want to write and play music, and what i found when i started to do this 9 years ago, i felt happy, when i got down, i put the headphones on, turned the amp up and played hard and loud, everything else disappeared.

I wish you good luck my friend, it takes time to figure this out, but you will i am sure

Ian

theswan
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 5/3/2009 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   

God bless and please hang on.

 

Darkness does come first please hang on to that. God will assist you. We need to trust and not expect His assistance to be what We want.

My fiancee is a wonderful soprano and alovely piano player. She often plays Chopin's nocturne's and etudes on her Steinway. I moved in here in NYC last October and am not iused to the big city. She and I want to start a company for singers and thus far has been a dream. We both have depression ans she has mania as well. ( not uncommon in talented folks) Thing is , you have had a good ride and ahve made inroads in a career-God bless! My fiancee has a small church gig and gets $80 for a solo. As you know it is so hard to get discovered. We'd like to coach and put on workshops for singers. Her voice coach is an international opera singer past her prime so we do have some 'clout".

If God see's fit, this shall come again. I think you know this. Please just think about maybe AA for the drink issue. Maybe you are not alcoholic but alcohol is a horror for depression and must stop if you are to have a chance. I am sober 21 years and AA worked well for me although not for all.

 

Peace be with you

Glen aka the swan


This too shall pass


godsonlost
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/4/2009 10:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you again. My sins and my addiction have separated me from GOD. I'm praying more and more that I can overcome this addiction and live the life I once lived. Cowboy up has been such an inspiration. My mind continues to tell me I will fail, but that won't stop me from trying one day at a time. Thanks everyone...

Cowboy up
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 5/5/2009 3:52 AM (GMT -7)   
The same way that even when are children are really being disobediant we still love them. We may not love what they are doing but we love them . So it is the same way with our heavenly father.He never left you and he is here for you . The doubt is just lies from the enemy.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/5/2009 4:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Gentle Reminder to all :

"Limited religious references are allowed (ie. "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote as part of a larger post)."

Thank you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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